“You know I value your opinions about MnM,” he said softly. “Please continue. What do we need to do?”
She still hesitated. Felix held in a sigh and waited for her to be ready. She nibbled at her bread before responding. “It might be worth suggesting to Warren that you build up a core group of regulars first, see who shows up again after the first week or two. Last night went really well, but there are bound to be people who won’t come back.”
Felix pictured those jealous, dissatisfied players at his table again. Hopefully his piss-poor GMing hadn’t ruined MnM for them completely.
“There may be a couple of people,” Jo continued, “who commit to coming every week. But in my experience, most SWOP players show up once or twice a month. Try not to change anything until you know what to expect each week. Besides, GMing once a week is hard enough. Trust me, you don’t want to prep multiple games a week.”
She made excellent points. She had to know that, didn’t she? Felix reached across the table, palm up. Jo set down her fork and took his hand. “Thank you, Jo. I’m sure you’re right. I’ll pass that along to Warren.”
A relieved smile flickered over her lips. She gave his hand a quick squeeze and returned to her meal. They ate in silence for a moment before Felix spoke up again. “I had another meeting today.”
“With who?”
“Vanessa’s dad, Greg.”
She cocked her head. “I’m surprised Vanessa didn’t mention that.”
“It all happened rather quickly,” Felix said. “He emailed me, and when I called him to set up a meeting, we ended up talking things over right then. He wants to sign on as a weekly GM for us.”
“Fantastic!” she cried.
“It is,” he said. He paused before continuing, weighing the best approach for what came next. “Jo, would you consider GMing weekly too?”
Jo’s brow knit together. “Why?”
“I know you said no the night we met because you wanted a break from MnM. But you’ve been so happy these last couple of weeks, both at Indi-Con and helping with the launch. I wanted to ask again in case you changed your mind.”
“But why do you need me to GM at all?” she asked with a shrug. “Like I said, you aren’t going to have two dozen people every week. You and Greg will have it covered. You don’t need me.”
Felix’s mouth went dry. He licked his lips, which didn’t help since his tongue felt like sandpaper. He took a swallow of wine, but even that was dry. “Warren and I agreed that I would take on more of an organizer role for game night. I won’t be GMing anymore.”
“Oh.” She frowned. “I’m sorry he made you change roles. That sucks. Is it okay if I think about it first?”
Shit, she misunderstood him. He couldn’t blame her; his phrasing was pretty damn cagey. He took another stab at it. “He didn’t make me change roles, Jo. It was my idea. I… I don’t particularly like GMing, and I’m aware it’s not my strong suit. It does our patrons, and the program, a disservice to have me run a bad game every week.”
“Felix, what are you talking about?” Jo’s breath quickened, and his chest went tight. She shook her head vehemently. “Maybe you need a bit more practice, but you’re not a bad GM. And you like running combat—you told me so.”
“I do like combat, but the things I like aren’t conducive to running a compelling, fast-paced game,” Felix explained. “No one wants to sit around and watch me strategize about monster attacks. Especially not when Leni is right there, acting out a sword fight between a rogue and a pirate and making people wish they were at her table instead of mine. My games aren’t fun the way yours and Leni’s are.”
Her round eyes widened, offended on his behalf. “Yes, they—”
“Jo, it’s okay,” he said gently, holding up a hand to stop her. “I’m not upset about this. I don’t need you to reassure me, though it’s very kind of you to try.”
She deflated, slouching against her chair. “Are you sure?”
“I’m sure, cariño.” He took her hand across the table once more and offered her a soft smile. “I’m relieved, honestly. I didn’t become a librarian to play games with the public. It’s been fucking exhausting doing all of this advertising and talking up MnM when I’m not even really that much of a fan.” He laughed lightly but stopped abruptly at the shock on Jo’s face.
Shit. What the fuck did he say it like that for? Shit, shit, shit.
Jo balled her hand into a fist around the napkin in her lap, fighting the panic that was rising up the back of her throat. The blood pounding in her ears drowned out everything except that wretched voice inside her.
This is it, Jo. You pushed him into MnM too hard. He tried it, and he hates it. Just like Jeremy.
She started to pull away from Felix, but he held onto her.
“Jo—”
“You could have told me that you hated MnM this whole time,” she breathed, unable to control the tremble in her voice.
“That’s not what I said.”
“Then maybe you’d better tell me again.”
Felix took a deep breath and pushed his hand through his hair. “I like playing MnM with you. And I love watching you play and GM. You know that. But without you, it’s not the same. I don’t like MnM nearly as much if you’re not there. That’s all I meant.”
Some small corner of Jo’s heart stirred at those words. There was something sweet about that sentiment—that her presence made MnM worthwhile to him. Except… it didn’t quite add up. Hot tears burned the backs of her eyes. “But I was there.”
Felix leaned forward, pushing his half-eaten plate out of the way to rest on his forearms. “Cariño, what do you mean?”
“I was there, Felix!” she yelled, wrenching her hand out of his. “These last two weeks. At the library, at your house, at the goddamn college. I was there the whole time, and it was ‘fucking exhausting’ for you.”
She shoved away from the table. Merry streaked past, retreating into the bedroom. Jo desperately wanted to follow him, to hide under the bed and not come out until morning. Instead, she stalked into the living room. Felix’s chair scraped back, and his footsteps followed her.
“I’m not explaining myself well tonight, Jo. I’m sorry,” he said. He stood several feet away from her, his arms held away from his sides in a posture of surrender.
Jo swiped a tear off her cheek and crossed her arms. She didn’t trust herself to speak, afraid that the vitriol running through her head would come pouring out of her mouth if she dared to say another word. Felix—patient, gentle, loving Felix—didn’t deserve such vicious words. At least Jo had the presence of mind to realize that.
