“I want to stay together,” she said plainly. “But first, I owe you an answer to your question. You wanted to know if I believe that I can be myself around you and that you’ll love me no matter what.”
“I remember,” he murmured.
Jo’s heart beat faster, and her stomach clenched around the single bite of pie she’d snuck in. “My answer is, not yet. But I want to, so badly, and I’m trying to learn how. I’m sor—I wish I could give you a more definitive answer, but it’s not that simple right now. And I… I understand if that’s not enough for you.”
She was still clumsy with the phrases Dr. Duncan had suggested she use instead of “I’m sorry,” but damn it, she was trying. Felix seemed to notice her aborted apology, given the way his expression shifted at that part. He looked surprised and pensive all at once. There was a long pause while he sipped his latte and Jo tried not to have a conniption.
“May I ask what you mean when you say you’re trying to learn?” he finally asked.
“I’ve started seeing a therapist,” she replied and suddenly remembered this part of her mental script. “I’ve only had two sessions, but I really like her. She’s already been a huge help. I thought I understood all the ways that Jeremy affected me, but I’m not so sure anymore. I think I’ll be able to move past him faster and healthier with Dr. Duncan’s guidance.”
“I’m really happy to hear that,” Felix said, his eyes warm and kind.
“I know I need to work on loving and accepting the parts of me I was made to feel ashamed of,” Jo continued, “and that’s a lot easier when you’re with me, loving and accepting every part of me already. I want to learn how to go easier on myself so you aren’t stuck having to reassure me all the time. Because the truth is, Felix, even though I came to Ashville to figure out who I am on my own, being with you has shown me who I was deep down all along. That’s who I want to be for the rest of my life.”
The pride on his face was unmistakable. Jo felt pretty dang proud herself.
Then his expression shifted, taking on that contemplative look again. “Jo, I think I haven’t been… wait, it’s not my turn yet. Is there anything else you wanted to say?”
“Um, yeah, hang on.” She pulled her phone out of her purse and opened her notes app.
“You wrote it down?” he asked, breaking into a gentle grin.
She smiled back. “Aida’s idea.”
“Brilliant,” he said, dipping a large piece of sugared crust into the melty ice cream. “Wish I’d thought of it.”
She scrolled through the bullet points of her script. Right. This part. “So… I’m trying to stop apologizing too much, but I do owe you an apology.”
“What for?”
Jo reached for him, needed to touch him. Felix met her halfway, but she stretched her hand beyond his and clasped his wrist instead. He did the same to her in return. His pulse beat under the heel of her hand, a rhythmic thrum that steadied her.
“I know you’re not him, Felix,” she said, softly but firmly. “It was wrong of me to compare you, and I’m so sorry I even put you two in the same sentence. I spent so long defending him, even though he didn’t deserve it, that it became second nature to me. I reacted badly when you said those things about him. Which, for the record, he did deserve. You were right. He’s a douchebag of the highest order.”
Felix lifted their joined hands and kissed the back of her wrist. He ran his lips over her skin, his stubble prickling. “I understand, Jo. I accept your apology, and I forgive you.”
“I want to tell you everything,” she said, blinking back tears. “Not right now, not in public, but if we stay together, I want you to know all of it. If… if you’re okay with hearing it.”
Felix looked taken aback. “Of course I want to hear it. Whatever you’re comfortable sharing. Why wouldn’t I?”
She shrugged one shoulder and lowered her gaze. “You stopped asking me about it. I assumed you didn’t want to know.”
Abruptly, Felix got up and came around the table, squeezing onto the bench beside her. His arms went around her, and she leaned into him. “I’m sorry, cariño. I stopped asking because it always seemed to hurt you when I brought him up, even inadvertently. I thought it would be better to make it about us and how much I cared about you, rather than about him. Clearly, I was wrong.”
“Oh.” A tear slipped down her face, even though she was trying really fucking hard not to cry in this diner right now. She took a couple of breaths to collect herself, smelling cloves and vanilla. “I forgive you. Your heart was in the right place.”
“Maybe, but I should have talked to you about it instead of assuming.”
“I mean, yeah, obviously.” She nudged him in the side.
Felix grinned and kissed Jo’s forehead, sending warmth flooding through her, all the way down to her toes.
As he returned to his side of the booth, Jo picked up her fork and speared a chunk of gooey, cinnamon-y apple. “Okay, gorgeous,” she said. “Your turn.”
“I want us to be together too,” Felix said, cutting to the chase the way she had. He watched Jo press her lips together, holding back a smile that made her eyes sparkle. “But what I was going to say earlier is that I think I haven’t been entirely fair to you, and I’m sorry for that.”
“What do you mean?” she asked.
He blew out a breath, puffing out his cheeks. “My life in Ashville was very lonely before I met you, Jo. I saw Tito on Sundays, and Peggy and I were friendly enough, but that was it. I barely even spoke to Leni before we started working on MnM together. I was so busy with my family when I first moved here that I didn’t try to meet people or keep up with my grad school friends, and next thing I knew, I had been here for months, and it felt too late to do anything about it and… that’s not the point.”
Felix pitched forward and met Jo’s gaze, his focus solely on her. He gripped the edge of the bench to steady himself. His fingers dug in so hard he thought he might punch through the vinyl to the padding underneath. “The point is that from the night we went to Stan’s together I knew that being with you was the happiest I’d been since moving to Ashville. You were the first real friend I had in this town, and I was desperate to hold onto that. I stopped caring if things were moving too fast or if I was being too honest because I was so fucking happy with you.”
“I’m waiting for the part where this is unfair to me,” Jo said breathlessly. “Because it sounds pretty damn lovely so far.”
That made Felix smile, and the tension in his hands relaxed. “I’m beginning to realize that I put too much of my own happiness on you. Since you’ve been the only thing in my life that brings me joy, it was all the more painful when you shied away to try to protect yourself. It was unfair to put that on you, and it was unfair to ask for your unconditional trust so soon. I’m still figuring things out, but I think… I think I wanted you to believe I’ll love you no matter what because it would hurt me less. But I can’t make you responsible for my happiness, especially not while you’re still getting past Jeremy. I need to slow down and let you move forward in your own time. And I need to learn how to find happiness elsewhere, not just with you.”
“Wow.” Jo blinked and cocked her head. “How did you get to be so introspective?”
“I’ve been doing a lot of reading. The library in this town has some pretty good books, you know,” he said with a grin. “Actually, I’m also trying to find a therapist, but the wait times are ridiculous.”
“Right?” she cried. “It’s the worst. I basically had to beg the psych at White Hills for a referral without sounding like I was begging.”
“Damn,” Felix said. “Think I could pass for mid-seventies? Maybe I can move in with Tito and go see that person.”
She squinted at him, considering. “Not quite enough gray yet, old man.”
