By understanding this difference, you can pinpoint that what you’re really feeling is guilt about an oversight, rather than internalize it as a reflection of your self-worth. This recognition can be pivotal. It allows you to address behaviors, like forgetting important dates, without spiraling into self-deprecation. And in the context of healing from codependency, it promotes self-compassion and accountability, rather than getting trapped in a cycle of self-blame.

Shame is more about self-evaluation, and it’s internalized. It’s the feeling that there’s something wrong with us as a person. Phrases like “I am bad” or “I am unworthy” are rooted in shame. While shame can sometimes serve as a social regulator, when it becomes overwhelming, it’s challenging to address the root cause and move forward.

Guilt, conversely, is about our actions. It’s the recognition that we might have done something wrong. If shame says, “I am bad,” guilt says, “I did something bad.” It’s a natural feeling that arises when we think we’ve caused harm or broken a personal or societal rule. Guilt can be constructive, pushing us to make amends, apologize, or change our behavior.

In essence, while these emotions might be uncomfortable, they offer valuable insights into our inner world. Recognizing the differences between them allows us to address our feelings more effectively, cultivating understanding and self-compassion.

HOW TOXIC SHAME FUELS SURVIVAL MODe

To truly understand the nuances of survival mode, it’s imperative to explore its deep-seated connection with toxic shame. At its core, survival mode is our body’s primal response to danger; it’s about keeping us safe in the face of threats. But when we marinate in feelings of toxic shame, we’re constantly on alert, perceiving threats even in everyday situations.

Why? Because toxic shame convinces us of our inherent unworthiness, making us hypersensitive to judgment or criticism, and triggering that fight-or-flight response. When we operate from this heightened state, we’re more likely to see ourselves through a distorted lens, one tainted by that ingrained feeling of being “not good enough.” To step out of survival mode, it’s essential to shed the heavy cloak of toxic shame. By understanding and healing the sources of this shame, we give ourselves a chance to live fully, beyond mere survival.

Here are a few examples of sources of toxic shame that fuel survival mode:

Trauma or Abuse: Experiences like sexual abuse or assault, whether in childhood or adulthood, can implant profound feelings of toxic shame. This can sometimes cause a painful repetition of past violations, each repetition further embedding that shame.

Shaming in Childhood: During formative years, many children encounter shaming, often from well-meaning parents or caregivers trying to mold their behavior. Comments like “Little boys don’t cry!” or “You’re making Mommy sad!” might unintentionally warp a child’s self-perception, affecting how they relate to others and themselves.

Relational Trauma: Emotional and verbal abuse within relationships can instill a sense of shame, especially when partners belittle basic emotional needs or deny one’s experiences.

Unresolved Core Wounding: Sometimes, we carry shame from sources we can’t even pinpoint. These hidden wounds can deeply impact our self-view and reactions.

Society and Culture: Society and culture are like silent narrators, gently weaving stories about who we should be and how we should act. These narratives don’t just set guidelines; they paint vivid pictures of our self-worth, belonging, and place in the world.

Race: Our world, rich in diverse cultures and histories, unfortunately still carries lingering racial stereotypes and biases. These can sometimes cause people from certain racial backgrounds to feel like they’re in the shadows, overlooked or misunderstood because of their skin color. Such feelings can be deeply internalized, leading to a quiet, painful sense of shame.

Gender: Over time, societies have crafted specific roles for men and women. While many of these roles have their roots in care and tradition, they can also limit self-expression. When someone doesn’t align perfectly with these expectations, they might feel a gentle tug of being “different” or “not fitting in.”

Sexual Orientation: Love, in all its forms, is beautiful. Yet, some societies still have a narrow lens through which they view love and relationships. For those whose hearts beat differently, there can be an unspoken burden, a silent weight of feeling “othered” merely for seeking genuine connection.

Class: Economic backgrounds tell stories of struggles, triumphs, privileges, and challenges. Often, people from varying economic statuses feel the subtle gaze of society, measuring our worth in material terms. Whether you come from a place of plenty or a place of want, societal perceptions can sometimes cause us to question our worth and place.

Religious Expectations: Faith and religious institutions can have stringent expectations around obedience. When these aren’t met or specific rules are breached, we might grapple with intense feelings of shame.

Toxic shame blends into our survival instincts, influencing our choices, especially in love and relationships. It can stem from past experiences or even societal norms. But there’s hope—acknowledging the roots of toxic shame can pave the way for deeper understanding and healing. As we move forward, we’ll delve into how this plays out in our dating lives.

TOXIC SHAME IN OUR DATING LIVEs

In the intricate dance of dating and relationships, toxic shame can often cast a shadow over our choices. Picture someone, a friend or even a reflection of our past selves, who yearns for a steadfast, meaningful relationship. Yet, time and again, they find themselves entangled in fleeting moments, brief encounters, or relationships that don’t fully align with what their heart truly seeks. This is not a judgment of these decisions, but rather an invitation to reflect: “Is this the connection I genuinely desire, or am I trying to fill a void?”

This journey for love and acceptance isn’t always straightforward. Some of us, eager for any semblance of warmth and closeness, might extend our boundaries beyond what feels right. We compromise, sacrificing our innermost needs for a momentary connection or a hint of affection. But on the flip side, there are those who, having been hurt before, have built walls so high that they find it difficult to let anyone in, to really share that vulnerable part of themselves.

At the core of these dynamics is often a misalignment between our external actions and internal desires. We might tell ourselves stories about what we want in our romantic and platonic relationships, in our careers, or even in our daily interactions. “Maybe this is what I deserve,” we might think, or “This is as good as it gets.” Past choices linger like ghosts, bringing along baggage like guilt or regret. And what about the pressures? Oh, they’re ever-present: the need to fit into a mold, whether it’s about age, appearance, career trajectory, or societal expectations. All the while, a nagging doubt lingers: “Am I a fraud?” or “Will they see through me?”

For some, finding solace might mean turning to distractions—habits or activities that numb the pain or create a temporary escape. For others, it could mean steering clear of true intimacy, guarding their hearts against potential hurt. Beneath this all, a quiet voice sometimes murmurs those deep-seated fears: “Maybe I’m not lovable,” “I’ll always be on the outskirts, looking in,” or “Why do I always feel not quite ‘enough’?”

These feelings, while heavy, are also a testament to our shared human experience. By shining a light on them, and by understanding and embracing them with kindness, we pave the way for healing and authentic attachments.

8 Decoding Attachment Styles

It’s said that “time heals all wounds,” but in reality, the passing of time can force you to accept living with the pain and shame created by unresolved trauma. It insidiously seeps into your relationships, disconnecting you from yourself in order to survive it.

As we discussed in the previous chapter, this is why you might end up repeating the same patterns: entering the same toxic relationships with the same type of person, trying but failing to achieve certain goals, and remaining mired in a failure-to-launch state, resulting in frequent crises. You might also find yourself perpetuating and passing down generational trauma because it’s all you’ve known. Automatic negative thoughts give you all the reasons you shouldn’t let people in, fed by the beliefs you have about yourself from unresolved trauma.

And at the center of all of this is toxic shame. For survivors of relational trauma, the manifestation of toxic shame—insecurity, guilt, regret, self-loathing, and negative thinking patterns—can feel all too real. Healing the shame that sits at your core is essential for stepping out of survival mode and recovering after relational trauma.

ATTACHMENT STYLES AND TRAUMA RESPONSEs

Navigating our emotional landscape can be likened to embarking on a journey, where every step we take is influenced by our early experiences and the beliefs we’ve formed about ourselves. As we reflect on the weight of toxic shame, it’s essential to recognize that these deep-seated emotions and beliefs, known as core wounds, not only shape our perceptions but also influence how we connect with others. Think of these connections as intricate dances, and in these dances, our patterns, our rhythm—our attachment styles—come to light.

Attachment styles, in essence, describe our patterns of bonding, connecting, and relating to others. Rooted in our earliest relationships, usually with caregivers or parents, these styles provide a framework for understanding how we respond to closeness, intimacy, and vulnerability in relationships. There are two major types of attachment styles: secure and insecure. Those with insecure attachment styles, such as anxious or avoidant attachment styles, are often triggered when in romantic relationships, as they have not properly worked through childhood wounds. Those with a secure attachment style, though by no means perfect in the area of love, tend to be able to face their triggers and work collaboratively with their partner to develop a healthy love that sidesteps toxicity and codependency. Here are some descriptions of a few of the more common attachment styles:

The secure attachment style is characterized by a healthy balance of independence and connection. These people feel confident in their relationships and are able to express their needs and emotions without fear of rejection. They are also able to support and comfort their partners when needed.

The anxious-preoccupied attachment style is characterized by a strong desire for closeness and connection, but a lack of trust in others. These individuals may be overly dependent on their partners and may struggle with feelings of insecurity and anxiety. They may also have a tendency to be controlling or jealous in their relationships.

The dismissive-avoidant attachment style is characterized by a desire for independence and a fear of being vulnerable or intimate with others. These individuals may struggle with feelings of inadequacy and may avoid close relationships or minimize the importance of attachment.

The fearful-avoidant attachment style is characterized by a fear of both intimacy and isolation. Individuals with this attachment style may struggle with trusting others and have difficulty forming close relationships. They may also have a tendency to be emotionally distant or unavailable.

The disorganized attachment style is characterized by an inconsistent and unpredictable approach to relationships. Those with a disorganized attachment style may experience intense and conflicting emotions in relationships, including both a desire for intimacy and a fear of being hurt or rejected. They may also struggle with trusting others and regulating their own emotions, leading to difficulties communicating or maintaining healthy relationships.

CORE WOUNDS, ATTACHMENT STYLES, AND TRAUMA RESPONSEs

As you navigate the intricate landscape of relationships, echoes from your past reverberate, shaping your attachment styles and uncovering your core wounds. These deep-seated beliefs, perhaps telling you “I am unlovable” or “I am not enough,” play a crucial role in how you connect and respond to others. When you delve deeper, you’ll see how these core wounds don’t just influence your attachment style; they also manifest in your interactions, sometimes leading you into the ambiguous realm of situationships.

Picture a situationship as an undefined space where you find yourself entangled, driven by a desire for validation and acceptance. Your craving for reassurance and worth, deeply rooted in negative core wounds, transforms the situationship into a stage where old patterns replay and unhealed wounds come back to the surface. For instance, the ambiguity and lack of commitment can trigger your intense fears of abandonment, reflecting and reinforcing the belief that you’re not worth committing to or staying for.

This intricate connection between situationships, core wounds, and attachment styles becomes vivid in your responses to situations and people. As a people-pleaser, you might find yourself caught in a struggle between standing up for your needs and succumbing to the desire to be accepted, navigating the stormy seas of toxic shame rooted in core wounds of unworthiness. This toxic shame, like a haunting melody in the background, fuels your cycle of seeking validation, tolerating ambiguity, and struggling with boundary setting—all hallmarks of situationships.

Conversely, if your attachment style leans toward avoidant, possibly carrying the core wound of “I don’t matter,” you may find yourself in a situationship as a way to maintain distance and avoid vulnerability. If you’re more anxiously attached and haunted by the fear of not being enough, the uncertainty of a situationship can be simultaneously agonizing and familiar, a reflection of your deepest fears and beliefs about yourself.

Your core wounds can manifest not just in your attachment styles but in your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, leading to obsessive thoughts as an avoidance tactic to escape the emotional pain. They follow you like shadows, influencing your reactions within relationships, from feeling rejected and abandoned to feeling invisible and unworthy.

Navigating through the intricacies of core wounds, attachment styles, and situationships might seem like a complex dance, but you’re already on the right track by acknowledging and exploring these patterns. You’re essentially peeling back the layers, getting to the heart of the old beliefs and automatic responses that have been running the show, perhaps for quite some time.

This is your moment to breathe, to understand, and to choose a different path. It’s about making connections between your past experiences and your present reality, all with the intention of building stronger, healthier relationships and finding a sense of peace within yourself.

You might be wondering, “What’s next? How do I navigate through all of this?” Well, that’s where we’ll dive into understanding trauma responses. These responses are your body and mind’s way of protecting you, like an internal security system. But sometimes, they can get a bit overzealous, especially when old wounds and shame are in the mix.

In the next part of our journey together, we’ll explore these trauma responses in more detail—understanding how they show up, what triggers them, and most important, how you can navigate through them. The fight, flight, fawn, and freeze responses are all part of your natural defense mechanisms, but understanding them is key to making sure they serve you in the best way possible. So, let’s navigate through these responses, empowering you to take control and find a sense of calm amid the complexity.

Trauma responses are natural and normal ways for our brains and bodies to react to dangerous or overwhelming situations, but they can also be triggered by unresolved emotional trauma and toxic shame. Here are some of the most common responses:

The fight response is characterized by aggression and the desire to attack or confront the source of shame. This can manifest as anger, defensiveness, or even violence. While it may provide a temporary sense of power or control, the fight response can escalate situations and lead to further harm or conflict.

The flight response involves fleeing or avoiding the source of shame altogether. This can take the form of substance abuse, escapism through media, or even physical distance. While it may provide temporary relief, the flight response does not address the root causes of our shame and can lead to further isolation and disconnection from others.