Embarking on the journey of addressing our ego and shadow aspects is a critical step in healing after relational trauma—or quite simply as a function of learning how to show up as an emotionally healthy human being. Whether it be with a romantic partner, family member, or friend, navigating relationships can leave us feeling drained and overwhelmed. With the right tools and approach, we can overcome these challenges and emerge stronger and more resilient. By delving into self-awareness and gaining a deeper understanding of our emotions, we develop greater emotional maturity and intelligence, ultimately learning how to build loving and safe connections with others. These skills are invaluable for navigating life after a toxic relationship and creating healthier relationships in the future. We’re unlearning the past and building toward a more connected future with the people we love.
We went over ego and shadow work briefly in Part 1, but here we will delve deeper into both topics and look at the importance of these practices in the aftermath of a toxic relationship. Ego and shadow work are two components in the process of understanding the parts of ourselves that make up our personality, both conscious and unconscious. We all have an ego (conscious) side and a shadow (unconscious) side.
WHAT IS EGO WORK?
The ego consists of all the aspects of ourselves we are consciously aware of—our opinions, beliefs, and desires—while the shadow contains those aspects that are hidden from us—our fears, shame, and repressed emotions.
There are many ways the ego can show up in relationships. Some common examples include:
Need for Control: One partner may feel the need to control the relationship, making decisions for both partners and micromanaging every aspect of their lives together.
Defensiveness: The ego may make one partner become defensive when criticized or confronted, leading to arguments or a breakdown in communication.
Jealousy: Jealousy is a common manifestation of the ego in relationships, where one partner may feel threatened by the attention or affection given to the other.
Inflated Sense of Self: One partner may have an inflated sense of self, leading them to believe they are always right, or that their needs and opinions are more important than their partner’s.
Rigidity: The ego may make one partner rigid in their beliefs and attitudes, leading them to resist change and growth in the relationship.
One of the most common ways I work with clients on the role their ego plays in their relationships is unpacking their defense mechanisms. Many of us have experienced codependent, traumatic, or toxic relationships at some point in our lives. While it’s easy to blame the other person for the hurt we’ve endured, it’s important to understand that our own defense mechanisms—the ways we protect ourselves from further harm—can play an equally important role in these relationships. Defense mechanisms are an active part of our ego, since they are conscious decisions we make. Let’s explore how defense mechanisms show up in response to codependency, relational trauma, and toxic relationships.
What Are Defense Mechanisms?
Defense mechanisms are psychological tactics that our mind uses to cope with difficult emotions or situations. They can be either intentional or automatic, and can vary from healthy methods, like expressing one’s feelings, to unhealthy ones, such as denying reality. Defense mechanisms serve two main purposes: they provide a barrier against potentially harmful or unpleasant experiences, and they allow us to process and understand our circumstances in a way that lessens ongoing fear or anxiety.
We utilize defense mechanisms in a number of different types of unhealthy relationship dynamics. In response to relational trauma, these mechanisms can provide a temporary sense of safety and stability, though they can also lead to longer-term problems if not addressed. In other codependent relationships, defense mechanisms are frequently employed to cope with the challenges and difficulties inherent to these types of connections.
While defense mechanisms can provide a sense of safety and control in the short term, they can also prevent us from processing and resolving relational trauma. It is important for those who have experienced relational trauma to seek support from a therapist or support group in order to address and heal from these experiences in a healthy and productive manner. By being aware of our defense mechanisms and their effects, we can work toward using more adaptive coping methods for better mental and emotional health.
In toxic relationships, one person might use tactics like gaslighting or emotional blackmailing to gain the upper hand. On the receiving end of these behaviors, it’s common for us to lean on defense mechanisms. Recognizing these defense mechanisms is key because it can be the first step in understanding the dynamics at play and making the choice to seek a healthier path. The following are a few of the most common defense mechanisms used in toxic relationships, along with examples.
Splitting
Splitting is like looking at the world through glasses that only show two colors: all good or all bad. Sometimes, when people are still on their journey of understanding themselves and their emotions, they might see things this way. Imagine feeling so swamped by emotions that it’s easier to categorize things as simply right or wrong, good or bad. It’s like turning the volume up on a song—everything becomes more intense. That’s when this black-and-white thinking sneaks in, leading to what we call “splitting.” This allows a person to ignore any of their partner’s flaws and only focus on the positive aspects of the relationship. In extreme cases, splitting can lead someone to stay in an abusive relationship because they refuse to accept that their partner has a dark side. Splitting makes it easier for a toxic partner to do whatever they want without consequences, as their victim continues to believe that things will improve if they just stay in the relationship long enough.
This defense mechanism is often used by people who are in emotionally volatile relationships. By mentally separating themselves from their partner’s negative behaviors or words, they can better cope with the stress and uncertainty of the situation. In other words, they focus on the positive aspects of the relationship, ignoring or downplaying the more toxic side. This allows them to maintain some semblance of control over their lives and remain optimistic about their future, despite any turmoil they may be facing.
While psychological splitting can give someone a sense of security, it can also be damaging if it goes unchecked. By denying the negative aspects of their relationship, they are essentially enabling their partner’s bad behavior and prolonging their suffering. Moreover, this type of thinking can lead someone into an unhealthy cycle where they constantly need reassurance from their partner that everything will be alright—only to discover that nothing has changed when they eventually receive that assurance.
It’s important to recognize psychological splitting early on if you want to avoid becoming ensnared in a toxic relationship. Here are some signs that you may be experiencing psychological splitting:
You find yourself feeling “all or nothing” about your partner—either loving them unconditionally or despising them with equal intensity.
You feel constantly anxious when interacting with your partner.
You are unable to engage in meaningful conversations without feeling overwhelmed.
You have difficulty understanding why your partner does certain things.
Your mood fluctuates wildly between positive and negative states without warning.
Idealizing
Idealizing is a defense mechanism that involves perceiving a toxic partner in an overly positive light. This can involve ignoring or downplaying negative behaviors, such as abuse or manipulation, and instead focusing on the perceived positive qualities of the partner. Idealizing can lead someone to view their partner as perfect or ideal, even in the face of evidence that suggests otherwise.
As a result, the person may remain in a toxic relationship, even when there are clear warning signs, because they have an unrealistic view of their partner and believe that everything is okay. This type of defense mechanism can be destructive, as it can prevent someone from recognizing and addressing the negative aspects of the relationship. It can also lead to a cycle of abuse and harm.
Here are a few examples of idealizing in toxic relationships:
You believe that your partner’s controlling behavior is a sign of love and care, even though it limits your freedom and autonomy.
You ignore their partner’s emotional abuse and instead focus on their positive qualities, such as their intelligence or sense of humor.
You choose to overlook your partner’s infidelity and instead focus on the good times you have together.
These examples illustrate how idealizing can lead a person to ignore the harmful aspects of a relationship and focus only on what they believe is good. It can prevent someone from recognizing the toxic nature of the relationship and taking steps to end it.
Denial
Denial is a defense mechanism that can be especially dangerous in toxic relationships. It involves refusing to accept the reality of a situation. Often, this can involve ignoring warning signs and negative experiences, instead clinging to the belief that everything is okay between you and your partner. For example, a codependent person may deny that their partner has a substance abuse problem. A victim of domestic abuse might deny that their partner is controlling or violent. Another example could be a person who is in a relationship with someone who is emotionally manipulative but refuses to acknowledge the manipulation. Despite evidence to the contrary, they may deny the reality, instead believing that their partner loves them and that things will get better in the future.
Denial provides a temporary escape from difficult emotions and the reality of a toxic relationship, but it can also lead to a dangerous cycle of abuse. It’s important for those who find themselves in toxic relationships to confront their reality, seek help and support, and take steps toward a healthier and safer future.
Examples of denial in toxic relationships can include:
Refusing to believe that your partner is abusive or manipulative, even when there is overwhelming evidence.
Ignoring red flags and warning signs about your partner’s behavior, such as controlling or possessive behavior, substance abuse, infidelity, or physical violence.
