You believe that your partner’s controlling behavior is a sign of love and care, even though it limits your freedom and autonomy.
You ignore their partner’s emotional abuse and instead focus on their positive qualities, such as their intelligence or sense of humor.
You choose to overlook your partner’s infidelity and instead focus on the good times you have together.
These examples illustrate how idealizing can lead a person to ignore the harmful aspects of a relationship and focus only on what they believe is good. It can prevent someone from recognizing the toxic nature of the relationship and taking steps to end it.
Denial
Denial is a defense mechanism that can be especially dangerous in toxic relationships. It involves refusing to accept the reality of a situation. Often, this can involve ignoring warning signs and negative experiences, instead clinging to the belief that everything is okay between you and your partner. For example, a codependent person may deny that their partner has a substance abuse problem. A victim of domestic abuse might deny that their partner is controlling or violent. Another example could be a person who is in a relationship with someone who is emotionally manipulative but refuses to acknowledge the manipulation. Despite evidence to the contrary, they may deny the reality, instead believing that their partner loves them and that things will get better in the future.
Denial provides a temporary escape from difficult emotions and the reality of a toxic relationship, but it can also lead to a dangerous cycle of abuse. It’s important for those who find themselves in toxic relationships to confront their reality, seek help and support, and take steps toward a healthier and safer future.
Examples of denial in toxic relationships can include:
Refusing to believe that your partner is abusive or manipulative, even when there is overwhelming evidence.
Ignoring red flags and warning signs about your partner’s behavior, such as controlling or possessive behavior, substance abuse, infidelity, or physical violence.
Excusing your partner’s harmful actions by blaming yourself or other external factors, such as stress or alcohol.
Continuing to see your partner as a good person even when they repeatedly engage in harmful behaviors.
Staying in a relationship despite feeling unsafe, unsupported, or unhappy, because you believe things will get better if you just try harder or love your partner more.
Denial is a powerful defense mechanism that allows people to avoid confronting the reality of their toxic relationships, but it also keeps them stuck in harmful cycles of abuse and reinforces negative patterns.
Here are brief overviews of additional defense mechanisms I often see used by those in codependent or toxic relationships:
Repression: Pushing difficult emotions or experiences into the unconscious mind in order to avoid dealing with them. A codependent person may repress their feelings of anger or frustration toward their partner’s behavior.
Displacement: Redirecting feelings from one target to another. For example, a codependent person may displace their anger toward their partner onto a coworker or family member.
Projection: Attributing one’s own thoughts, feelings, or behaviors to others. A codependent person may project their own insecurities onto their partner, accusing them of being unfaithful or untrustworthy.
Passive Aggression: Indirectly expressing anger or frustration through passive means, such as sulking, procrastination, or neglect. A codependent person may express passive aggression toward their partner by not following through on promises or neglecting household chores.
Avoidance Behaviors: Avoiding confronting the reality of a situation. A codependent person may avoid addressing their partner’s problematic behavior or substance abuse by ignoring it or changing the subject.
Dissociation: Detaching oneself emotionally from the situation or experience. This can take the form of feeling like an observer of one’s own life, feeling disconnected from one’s emotions, or feeling like time is moving in slow motion. Dissociation can provide a temporary escape from overwhelming emotions, but can also make it difficult to process and integrate the experience.
Compartmentalization: Separating different aspects of one’s life into separate compartments in order to avoid confronting the trauma. For example, someone who has experienced relational trauma may compartmentalize their past experiences from their present-day relationships, instead focusing solely on the present.
Repressing Memories: Focusing on present-day needs rather than reflecting on past experiences. Repressing memories can provide a person temporary relief from the pain of the trauma, but it can also prevent them from processing and resolving the experience.
Numbing Oneself Emotionally: Avoiding feeling intense emotions by numbing oneself. This can involve using substances like alcohol or drugs, engaging in compulsive behaviors like overeating or gambling, or simply avoiding any situation that might trigger intense emotions. Numbing oneself emotionally can provide short-term relief, but can also lead to longer-term problems with addiction or compulsive behavior.
Ego work, or unpacking and understanding these conscious behaviors and patterns, has the potential to drastically improve your mental health following a period of codependency or toxic relationships. This work helps you become more aware of your own emotions while also allowing you to learn important lessons about setting healthy boundaries in all aspects of your life. It encourages you to explore your innermost thoughts without judgment, helping you heal from a toxic relationship as well as deeper trauma.
WHAT IS THE SHADOW?
The term “shadow” comes from Jungian psychology and is defined as the unconscious mind, or the repressed feelings and desires that we don’t want to admit we have. Our shadows contain both positive and negative qualities, and they can manifest in various ways such as fear, anger, shame, guilt, or envy. We tend to deny these parts of ourselves out of shame or fear of judgment, but when they come out in relationships they can be damaging if not managed carefully.
We all have a “shadow” side, aspects of ourselves that contain qualities we don’t want to admit. It’s the part of us that holds our fears, insecurities, and unresolved wounds. In relationships, it can be easy to project this shadow onto our partners and make them responsible for what we are feeling. They become mirrors reflecting parts of our shadow we aren’t aware of.
While it can feel intimidating to explore this part of ourselves head-on, it’s important to understand that our shadow often shows up in our relationships with others. The truth is, our shadows are ours and no one else’s. It’s up to us to protect our partners from being cast in an unfavorable light by this part of ourselves. It’s our responsibility, and honestly, our gift to them and to ourselves, to ensure we recognize and manage these reflections. In doing so, we’re not just healing ourselves, but also cultivating healthier, more empathetic relationships.
Here are some examples of how our shadow plays out in relationships:
Insecurity and Jealousy
One of the most common ways our shadow manifests is through insecurity and jealousy. If we have unresolved issues from childhood or past relationships, we may carry these into our current ones and project them onto those closest to us. This can manifest as always questioning if the other person is being truthful or if they’re going to leave us for someone better. It can also lead to feelings of jealousy when the other person spends time with or expresses interest in anyone else. This can cause unnecessary tension and hurt feelings within the relationship if not addressed properly, which we will discuss in more detail later on.
Fear and Control
Another way our shadow shows up is through fear and control. When faced with difficult emotions like fear, shame, or guilt, we may try to control our partner’s behavior in order to protect ourselves from feeling vulnerable or overwhelmed by the situation at hand. This could include anything from trying to control their words and actions to constantly needing reassurance that they still care about us. While this behavior may temporarily make us feel better, it will almost always cause more damage in the long run as it chips away at trust and communication within the relationship.
Unresolved Trauma
Finally, unresolved trauma can also affect how we show up in relationships with others. If we suffer from PTSD due to past trauma, for example, we may find ourselves struggling with anxiety or depression when faced with certain triggers like disagreements within a relationship. We may also find ourselves engaging in destructive behaviors such as self-sabotage or manipulation as a way of protecting ourselves from getting hurt again by another person (or even by ourselves).
Because the shadow is unconscious, it can be tricky to spot in our relationships—and without recognizing our shadows, we can unwittingly cause tension. Imagine someone with deep feelings of jealousy. Their fear of loss might push them to check their partner’s phone or feel a pang of anxiety at a simple conversation their partner has with someone else. They might not even realize the root of their actions, but this can put a strain on the relationship.
Let’s consider a few more examples:
Someone with shadowed anger might genuinely long for tranquility in their relationship, but find themselves occasionally snapping or slipping into heated disagreements.
A person with hidden pockets of low self-worth might unknowingly lean on their partner for constant reassurance, not realizing the weight of their dependency.
Someone guarding a past of deceit may occasionally hide truths, casting shadows of doubt over a bond that they truly value.
Those with a concealed fear of intimacy might unknowingly maintain an emotional barrier, yearning to connect but unsure how.
In relationships with hints of codependency, these shadows can become even more pronounced. You might seek affirmation due to a concealed self-doubt, while your partner, battling their own shadows, might feel compelled to guide or even control the relationship. This dance, while unintentional, can often lead both parties down a path of emotional exhaustion with each other. And, in more painful scenarios, these shadows can even morph into actions that no one truly wants: verbal conflicts, emotional imbalances, or, tragically, physical confrontations.
But here’s the silver lining: recognizing these shadows is the very first step to transformation. The first step in protecting your partner from your shadow is owning it. This means recognizing and responding to your own thoughts and feelings without projecting them onto others. The next step is understanding how these thoughts affect your behavior toward your partner: Do you become overly critical or defensive? Do you take out your stress on them? Awareness of how the shadow manifests itself will help you identify how you can shift the cycle in a healthier direction.
No relationship is perfect, but there are two crucial steps we can take to make sure our shadows don’t fall too much on those we love most. First, owning our shadows requires the self-awareness to recognize when we’re projecting our negative qualities onto our partners instead of dealing with them ourselves. Second, we must work to create a safe space for both parties to share their true feelings without fear or judgment. With these two pieces working together, couples can build more meaningful relationships where everyone involved feels respected and valued no matter what challenges arise along the way.
The most important factor in protecting your partner from your shadow is communication. Being open and honest with yourself and your partner can create a safe space where each person feels comfortable expressing their true feelings without fear of judgment or retaliation. It also allows you to work together toward identifying potential triggers for negative behavior before they occur and finding more productive ways to handle them should they happen again in the future. It may also be helpful to seek professional counseling if needed, so that you have someone guiding the process who is unbiased and experienced in navigating these kinds of issues within relationships.
Our shadow side can be difficult to confront, but understanding how it shows up in relationships is an important step toward healing and self-growth. By recognizing where these patterns come from, and why they emerged, we can begin working on managing them more effectively so that they no longer sabotage our relationships with others.
By embracing ego and shadow work, you’re granting yourself the gift of self-awareness. You’ll unearth those tucked-away feelings and, with compassion and understanding, reshape how you present yourself in your relationships. With mindful awareness and honest communication, you can move forward into healthier partnerships full of trust and mutual respect—because every relationship deserves a strong foundation.
THE BENEFITS OF DOING EGO AND SHADOW WORK
Embarking on the introspective journey of ego and shadow work is like being invited to read a diary we never knew we penned, confronting memories, emotions, and motives that have been woven silently into the very fabric of our beings. The introspection can be as delicate as threading a needle—we might fear pricking our finger, recalling moments of pain or self-doubt. Yet, as we’ll see with my former client Sara, it’s through this intimate self-reflection that we uncover the most profound truths about our relationships and ourselves. As we delve into Sara’s story, we’ll witness the transformative power of self-awareness.
