Boundaries
Setting boundaries is like drawing a line in the sand, defining what is and isn’t acceptable in your relationships. A boundary is not an ultimatum or a punishment, and it’s not a way of manipulating someone into behaving the way we want them to. Instead, it’s a clear and compassionate expression of our needs and limits, which can help us navigate our relationships in a way that’s respectful and authentic.
Boundaries are crucial for maintaining healthy connections with others. They can take various forms, such as emotional (expressing your feelings), physical (personal space), and relating to time (allocating time for yourself). Implementing boundaries is an act of self-preservation and self-respect. By communicating your needs and limits clearly, you build trust and respect in your relationships.
What does it look like for you when those boundaries are crossed? Start by determining what your boundaries should be in any type of relationship so you can recognize when they are being broken or disregarded. Setting clear boundaries will help protect your emotional safety within any relationship, whether platonic or romantic, as well as help you get closer to embodying your core values around healthy relationships.
Protecting your emotional well-being means identifying the relationships that cause harm—whether familial, romantic, professional, or platonic—and establishing healthy boundaries. This may involve maintaining distance, terminating relationships, or simply speaking up when someone crosses your boundaries.
The re-parenting process is about nurturing and taking care of your inner child. Your inner child may be wounded from past traumas and rejections, and it’s important to acknowledge and tend to those wounds. Re-parenting them involves redirecting your thoughts and feelings when you’re feeling rejected and abandoned to soothing self-talk.
To implement these concepts effectively, begin with self-reflection. This process requires honesty, vulnerability, and introspection. Ask yourself what you want and need in a relationship and what you’re willing to contribute. Be specific about your expectations and communicate them to your partner respectfully and assertively.
Remember that healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, trust, and open communication. Knowing your boundaries, standards, core values, and deal breakers forms the foundation for creating the fulfilling and meaningful relationships you deserve.
HEALING HEART MEDITATION
This meditation focuses on the practice of releasing someone from your heart and mind. This can be a difficult and painful process, but it is essential for your own growth and happiness.
Take a deep breath and allow yourself to relax, either sitting or lying down. Let your body sink into a comfortable position and let your mind settle into a calm state.
Take a moment to think about the person you want to release. This may be an ex-partner, a former friend, or anyone who has caused you pain and hurt. Allow yourself to feel the emotions that arise, but do not dwell on them. Instead, let them flow through you and release them with each breath.
Visualize a golden cord extending from your heart to the person you want to release. This cord represents the energetic connection that exists between you and the other person. See it clearly in your mind’s eye and pay attention to any emotions or sensations that arise.
Now, imagine a bright white light flowing down from above and enveloping both you and the person you want to release. This light is warm and comforting, and it has the power to dissolve any negative attachments or emotions that may be holding you back.
As the light fills your body and surrounds you, see the golden cord begin to melt and dissolve. Watch as it fades away into the light, taking with it any lingering pain, hurt, or resentment that you may be holding on to.
As the cord disappears, imagine a feeling of lightness and freedom washing over you. You are no longer bound to this person by negative emotions or attachments. You are free to move forward with your life, unencumbered by the past.
As you finish your meditation, take a few deep breaths and allow yourself to return to the present moment. Know that you have taken an important step toward healing and growth, and that you are capable of releasing anyone who no longer serves you.
Repeat this visualization as often as you need to. Remember that releasing someone is a process, and it may take time to fully let go. Be patient with yourself and trust that you will find the peace and happiness you deserve.
SIGNS THAT YOU’RE HEALING
When going through the aftermath of a difficult breakup, it’s not uncommon to feel like you’re wading through murky waters. Often, there’s a haze of emotions, memories, and what-ifs that cloud your vision. It’s like trying to navigate through a thick forest with no compass. However, healing is a journey, not a destination. It’s an intricate process that unfolds layer by layer. What’s essential to remember is that healing is not linear; there may be ups and downs, moments of doubt followed by moments of clarity. Now that you have truly begun to heal, it is time for you to turn your attention even deeper to your heart sabbatical. While every individual’s healing process is unique, there are common signs that indicate progress on this journey.
You no longer feel the need to constantly check your ex-partner’s social media accounts. This shows that you are no longer seeking validation or trying to keep tabs on their life.
You have learned to respect your own and other people’s boundaries around communication.
You understand that respecting their need for space is important for both of you to move on.
You have become aware of patterns in your relationships, such as playing the savior, people-pleasing, auditioning, and performing. This means that you are making a conscious effort to not repeat these patterns, and you’re able to build healthier relationships.
You are discovering the beauty of solitude, finding joy and contentment in your own company, and embracing the moments you spend with yourself. This shows that you have developed a healthy relationship with yourself.
Your desire to return to the cycle of uncertainty, confusion, and betrayal has diminished. You are no longer attracted to toxic or unhealthy relationships, and you are now able to recognize red flags and avoid them.
You’re compassionately reflecting on your past relationship, recognizing both your role in it and the areas where you weren’t at fault. You’re not only taking responsibility for your actions but also granting yourself grace for things outside of your control. This journey of understanding is accompanied by a deep sense of self-forgiveness, allowing you to embrace lessons without holding on to burdens.
You are aware of your inner child’s wounds and are actively working to re-parent yourself. This means that you are addressing any unresolved childhood traumas and taking steps to heal from them.
You now seek answers from your triggers instead of avoiding them. This means that you are willing to confront difficult emotions, rather than deflecting them through unhealthy coping mechanisms.
You understand how your ego allowed you to chase unrequited love in order to avoid facing rejection. This means that you are no longer seeking validation from external sources and are instead building a strong sense of self-worth.
Lastly, you have developed healthy boundaries and standards, and you know your core values. This shows that you have a clear idea of what you want and need in a relationship, and you are able to communicate those needs effectively.
Mara sat across from me, her eyes still puffy from crying. She had just received a call from her ex, who was trying to slip back into her life. But something had shifted in Mara since the last time they spoke.
He’d called while we were in session together. “I’m sorry, but I can’t have any contact with you,” she said firmly, drawing a line in the sand. This was the first time Mara had set a clear boundary with him, and she felt a sense of relief wash over her.
As we continued our session, Mara shared how she had been on a heart sabbatical, taking time to reflect and heal from the toxic relationship. Through this process, she had been learning about the importance of boundaries, standards, core values, and deal breakers in relationships. She realized that she had never really taken the time to define these for herself before.
Mara had always been a people-pleaser, saying yes to everything and everyone, even when it didn’t align with her values or needs. But now, she was beginning to understand that boundaries were crucial to healthy relationships. She learned that a boundary was something she set to protect herself, like saying no to plans that didn’t feel right or speaking up when someone crossed a line. She also realized that an ultimatum, like “if you don’t do this, I’m leaving,” wasn’t a boundary but a form of control.
As we talked more, Mara began to redefine her standards for dating. She realized that she had settled for less than she deserved in the past, but knew now that she deserved someone who treated her with respect, kindness, and empathy. She also discovered new deal breakers, like someone who was emotionally unavailable or didn’t prioritize their mental health. The reality is, a partner who doesn’t, can’t, or chooses not to prioritize their mental health is an emotional liability in a relationship. People who have inner conflicts yet refuse to go to therapy or work through their issues can end up being emotionally, verbally, and even physically abusive, evidenced by—and not limited to—covert aggression, manipulation, violent mood swings, and/or deception around extraneous sexual affairs.
Finally, Mara discovered her core values, the things that were most important to her in life. She realized that she had been living out of alignment for too long, but now she was committed to living a life that honored her values. These included honesty, integrity, and compassion.
Mara wished she had known about these concepts earlier in life, but I reminded her that it’s never too late to learn and grow.
I am often asked, “When will I be ready to end my heart sabbatical?” My answer is: when your body feels it’s time to do so. There’s no predetermined time that’s good for everyone. You’ll likely take several heart sabbaticals over the course of your life for different reasons. Many of my clients prefer to remain on one for a longer period of time because they enjoy the process of reconnecting and giving themselves time to process the inner work.
My advice is to start with four months. As you move forward, focus less on the time period and more on the experiences. At the end of the four months, if you still feel that you need more time, continue on the sabbatical until you’re ready to date again.
