Lastly, you have developed healthy boundaries and standards, and you know your core values. This shows that you have a clear idea of what you want and need in a relationship, and you are able to communicate those needs effectively.

Mara sat across from me, her eyes still puffy from crying. She had just received a call from her ex, who was trying to slip back into her life. But something had shifted in Mara since the last time they spoke.

He’d called while we were in session together. “I’m sorry, but I can’t have any contact with you,” she said firmly, drawing a line in the sand. This was the first time Mara had set a clear boundary with him, and she felt a sense of relief wash over her.

As we continued our session, Mara shared how she had been on a heart sabbatical, taking time to reflect and heal from the toxic relationship. Through this process, she had been learning about the importance of boundaries, standards, core values, and deal breakers in relationships. She realized that she had never really taken the time to define these for herself before.

Mara had always been a people-pleaser, saying yes to everything and everyone, even when it didn’t align with her values or needs. But now, she was beginning to understand that boundaries were crucial to healthy relationships. She learned that a boundary was something she set to protect herself, like saying no to plans that didn’t feel right or speaking up when someone crossed a line. She also realized that an ultimatum, like “if you don’t do this, I’m leaving,” wasn’t a boundary but a form of control.

As we talked more, Mara began to redefine her standards for dating. She realized that she had settled for less than she deserved in the past, but knew now that she deserved someone who treated her with respect, kindness, and empathy. She also discovered new deal breakers, like someone who was emotionally unavailable or didn’t prioritize their mental health. The reality is, a partner who doesn’t, can’t, or chooses not to prioritize their mental health is an emotional liability in a relationship. People who have inner conflicts yet refuse to go to therapy or work through their issues can end up being emotionally, verbally, and even physically abusive, evidenced by—and not limited to—covert aggression, manipulation, violent mood swings, and/or deception around extraneous sexual affairs.

Finally, Mara discovered her core values, the things that were most important to her in life. She realized that she had been living out of alignment for too long, but now she was committed to living a life that honored her values. These included honesty, integrity, and compassion.

Mara wished she had known about these concepts earlier in life, but I reminded her that it’s never too late to learn and grow.

I am often asked, “When will I be ready to end my heart sabbatical?” My answer is: when your body feels it’s time to do so. There’s no predetermined time that’s good for everyone. You’ll likely take several heart sabbaticals over the course of your life for different reasons. Many of my clients prefer to remain on one for a longer period of time because they enjoy the process of reconnecting and giving themselves time to process the inner work.

My advice is to start with four months. As you move forward, focus less on the time period and more on the experiences. At the end of the four months, if you still feel that you need more time, continue on the sabbatical until you’re ready to date again.

A heart sabbatical is like a retreat for your heart and soul. It’s a time when you give yourself the love and attention you truly deserve, especially after dealing with a challenging or toxic relationship. One of the key things you do during this time is choose yourself over that toxic connection. It’s a powerful act of self-love, and it’s all about honoring your own emotional needs, even when someone else couldn’t.

Now, it’s tempting to point fingers at the other person for not meeting your emotional needs, but here’s the real deal: we can only control our own actions, including whether we abandon ourselves or stay true to who we are, no matter how tough it gets.

By choosing yourself over toxic relationships and taking steps to truly connect with yourself, you’re laying the groundwork for healthier connections. Like nurturing a beautiful garden within your heart, this part of the healing journey paves the way for deeper emotional connections with yourself and those around you. In fact, choosing yourself is not just a part of the heart sabbatical—it’s the core of it. It’s where you begin to rediscover your inner compass, heal, and make meaningful connections in your life.

So, think of your heart sabbatical as a loving pause, a time to cherish yourself, and a path to building connections that truly nurture your soul. This is your journey, and it all starts with choosing yourself.

5 External Healing

I sat in my office with my client Gracie across from me. She took a deep breath, her gaze distant, lost in memories of a past that still haunted her. I leaned forward, my fingers steepled, watching her. I’ve always felt that the therapy room is sacred, a place where people can unravel their deepest fears and hopes. I had to tread gently. “Gracie,” I began, my voice soft. “When we talk about your childhood and the things you saw, especially with your mom, how does that make you feel about your own choices?”

She blinked, fighting back tears, “I … I always thought it was normal, you know? Seeing Mom go through all that with Dad, and then the world outside whispering that women should be … I don’t know, quieter? Submissive? It was like this heavy cloak I felt I had to wear.”

I nodded, urging her to go on. “And when you think of how society views women, and the relationships you’ve seen around you, do you feel that influenced your choices with Jack?”

She took a moment, her fingers playing with the embroidered cushion beside her. “It’s like everywhere I looked, I was being told a story. A story where women just took whatever was thrown at them. And I saw my mom wear that story like a badge. Maybe I thought that was my badge, too.”

I paused, letting her words fill the space. “Gracie, society and culture do weave narratives for us. And sometimes, without realizing it, we start living those stories. Especially when they’re mirrored in our homes. Do you think seeing your mom endure and accept what she did made you feel that it was your story to endure, too?”

She sighed, her eyes brimming with tears. “I guess, yes. Everywhere I turned, whether it was in movies, TV shows, or even just overheard conversations, the message was clear. If something went wrong, it was the woman’s fault. And if she faced abuse, well, she probably did something to provoke it, right?”

I felt a pang of sadness. “Gracie, that’s a heavy burden to carry. A script written by society, but not necessarily the truth for every individual. It’s so essential to recognize these patterns and see how they might have influenced our choices, knowingly or unknowingly.”

Gracie looked up, her voice quivering but determined. “I want to rewrite my story. I don’t want the shadows of the past or society’s flawed narrative to define me.”

Smiling gently, I responded, “And that’s why we’re here, Gracie. To understand, to heal, and to chart a new path.”

Gracie had been in a toxic relationship with her partner, Jack, for several years, and we’d been working together for four months. Gracie had experienced emotional abuse and manipulation in their relationship and felt trapped in the cycle of codependency. Despite recognizing that the relationship was toxic, Gracie had found it difficult to break free. I knew that much of it had to do with trauma bonding and manipulative behavior by her partner, but I felt there was something larger at play, as well: the societal norms and cultural expectations that often place the blame on the victim in these cases.

I’d been seeing a disturbing trend in my clients’ stories that went beyond interpersonal dynamics. In today’s dating culture, we have more awareness of terms like gaslighting, manipulation, and narcissistic behavior. But with this awareness I also see a tendency for society to blame women when they fall for all the lies and tricks that their partners pull. It’s like this unspoken rule that somehow women are responsible for it all. But hold on, let’s take a step back and think about it.

This kind of blame-shifting reflects a culture that all too often turns a blind eye to the manipulation, emotional unavailability, and, dare I say, sociopathic behavior that’s out there. Instead of putting the blame on women who are looking for love and connection, we need to investigate where that blame really belongs. Yes, on the partner perpetuating the toxic behavior, but also on the society that does not condemn misogynistic behavior, instead facilitating systemic power dynamics that influence our interpersonal relationships. When it comes to toxic relationships, societal norms and cultural influences are just as important to examine as internal trauma. Gracie and Jack’s relationship was just one example I’ve seen of how we keep these harmful and oppressive patterns alive, which do nothing but chip away at our self-worth and our power.

Let’s dig into the societal messaging and conditioning that was influencing Gracie and Jack’s relationship. On one hand, Gracie may have been raised with cultural norms that perpetuated the idea that women should be submissive to men, leading her to believe that the abuse she experiences is her own fault. This, combined with witnessing her own mother being abused, perpetuates Gracie’s unconscious belief that normalizes abuse in relationships.

On the other hand, Jack’s relationship with his own mother played a significant role in his behavior toward Gracie. Growing up with an emotionally distant mother left him feeling “under-mothered.” In an effort to assert control and address this, Jack unconsciously created an abusive dynamic in the relationship, trapping Gracie in a subservient and mothering role. The imbalanced power dynamic created by societal, cultural, and psychological structures perpetuated emotional unavailability in both partners as repetitive compulsion ran their emotional show.

We’ve discussed the role our own Pandora’s box plays in our relationship patterns, but how do cultural and societal pressures influence us as well? Our relationships are shaped by the cultural, psychological/emotional, and societal structures around us in ways that are both visible and invisible, and they can lead to power dynamics within them. To fully heal and move forward, we need to acknowledge the external as well as the internal, and how they work together. We’ve already explored internal healing, and will be going even deeper in Part 2, but in this chapter we will investigate the external forces.

From an emotional and psychological perspective, Gracie may be experiencing unresolved trauma from witnessing the abuse of her mother, which has perpetuated the belief that abuse is normal in relationships. This can cause her to feel trapped in her relationship with Jack and unable to escape due to an existing trauma bond between them. In addition, Jack may have his own emotional and psychological issues that contribute to his abusive behavior, such as past trauma or feelings of inadequacy if he isn’t able to dominate and control his partner.

The misogynistic cultural expectation that women should be submissive and obedient to their partners plays a significant role in Gracie’s relationship with Jack. This cultural belief creates a power imbalance in their relationship, with Jack exerting control over Gracie and perpetuating the belief that the abuse is her fault. The idea that women should be submissive to men perpetuates the imbalance of power and parent-child dynamic we often find in abusive relationships. This does not apply to partners who have a relationship with a higher power, are emotionally healthy, and cultivate a partnership rather than a dictatorship with their partner.

Societal messaging and conditioning also contribute to the issues in Gracie’s relationship. Gracie’s mother was taught that a woman’s place was in the home, and that she should be submissive to her husband, which perpetuates the belief that a woman’s worth is tied to her husband and her ability to fulfill traditional gender roles. This societal messaging can also contribute to Gracie losing her sense of inherent power and the sovereignty to decide how she wants to show up in the world outside of her relationship. Jack may have normalized toxic and abusive behavior as a result of societal norms that perpetuate misogyny and oppression.

Gracie and Jack’s relationship is the result of a complex interplay between emotional/psychological issues, misogynistic cultural beliefs, and societal messaging and conditioning. To break the cycle of toxic relationships and truly heal, Gracie and Jack must both work to address both the internal and external issues impacting their relationship.

In this chapter, I’ll be discussing how external healing work is just as important as internal healing. Many toxic relationship dynamics are symptomatic of larger societal issues around toxic relationships and the perpetuation of misogyny and oppression. Healing and breaking the cycle of toxic relationships requires a collective effort to challenge and unlearn these harmful societal norms and beliefs.

With awareness of these sociocultural patterns and their role in perpetuating relationship trauma and toxic patterns, we can empower ourselves to create more equitable partnerships built on mutual respect and understanding. This is why healing must be a collective effort, one that requires us to actively challenge and dismantle the structures that perpetuate toxic relationships. Let’s break it down.

CULTURAL STRUCTURES

Culture shapes our beliefs, values, and expectations. It influences what we think a relationship should look like, the qualities we seek in a partner, our understanding of gender roles and power dynamics, and how society perceives the success or failure of a relationship. Culture can also promote imbalanced power dynamics based on gender, where one partner holds power and influence over the other. Cultural messages can contribute to toxic relationships and encourage abusive behaviors.

SOCIETAL STRUCTURES

Societal structures can perpetuate toxic relationships by normalizing abusive behaviors and discouraging people from seeking help. For example, the stigma attached to mental health issues or victimhood can make people feel ashamed or even powerless to change their situation. Society also reinforces gender roles, which can lead to imbalanced power dynamics and discourage individuals from speaking up about abuse. Financial dependence can also make it difficult for someone to leave an unhealthy relationship. The societal structures that reinforce toxic dynamics must be acknowledged and changed in order to promote healthier relationships.

Toxic relationships don’t just reflect individual problems; they reveal larger societal issues that stem from our cultural, psychological, and societal structures. We need to both acknowledge and work toward changing these if we want healthier relationships moving forward. Only then will we be able to create more nurturing connections with others based on mutual respect and understanding, without fear of judgment or abuse from those closest to us. Through awareness of ourselves and our environment, we can learn how to truly heal, breaking the cycle of toxic relationships and fostering healthier, more fulfilling connections with one another.

UNLEARNING MISOGYNY IN THE DATING WORLD AND EMBRACING CONSCIOUS LOVE

Before we delve into the intricacies of unlearning misogyny in the dating world, it’s crucial to clarify that while our examples and discussions may predominantly refer to heterosexual relationships, the issues of toxic dynamics, misogyny, and the need for conscious love are universal. They can arise in any type of romantic relationship, regardless of the genders or orientations of the people involved. I believe in the importance of love that transcends all boundaries, and our goal is to foster healthy, respectful relationships across the spectrum.

As you embark on the journey of healing from relational trauma, it is important to acknowledge that the work is not limited to your individual experiences. Sociocultural beliefs and structures play a significant role in perpetuating toxic relationship dynamics, particularly those rooted in misogyny and patriarchal values.

It is imperative that we unlearn these beliefs and restructure the culture around dating and relationships to one that promotes equality, respect, and healthy communication. In doing so, we not only heal ourselves but also contribute to a larger societal shift toward a healthier and more compassionate understanding of love and partnership.

We all deserve to live a life filled with ease, free from the struggles of survival-based and toxic relationships. But unfortunately, the ongoing battle around femininity and masculinity has the dating pool locked in a chokehold. This pushes us into the trap of criticizing each other and ourselves, perpetuated by the patriarchal standards that dictate how women and men should present themselves to be loved and accepted.

Patriarchal societies have long imposed strict gender roles on men and women, expecting men to embody aggressive and dominant traits, while women are pressured to embody passive and submissive traits. These gender roles are not based on biology, but rather on cultural constructions that justify women’s oppression and the repression of emotions in men.

Society tells men their value comes from how many women they have sex with or are able to control, as well as the money they make. Society tells women their value is attached to how attractive and vulnerable they make themselves to men. Why vulnerable? This trait is perceived to be desirable because it means women can be easily controlled and thus considered feminine.

In dating, these expectations put pressure on women to conform to traditional notions of how women should show up in order to attract men. This often involves displaying subservient traits and hiding “masculine” qualities, which is in many ways fueled by the conflation between feminine energy and patriarchal expectations of women.

Internalized misogyny refers to the way women internalize and display societal messages that diminish our power and worth. This can show up in various forms, including our behavior in relationships and in the dating world. Internalized misogyny leads women to believe that they must sacrifice their own desires and goals to fit into these gender roles. And if we are being completely honest, the self-esteem, self-concept, and self-worth of all involved are grounded in what one expects of the other.