FROM CODEPENDENT LOVE TO HEALTHY LOVE

First, I want you to know that it is very possible to shift and heal codependent patterns into healthy relationships. As we heal and grow, learning to love ourselves and others in new ways can stir up conflicting emotions. This is where the journey may feel difficult, as it forces you to look at patterns that have largely allowed you to get your emotional needs met by seeking approval, love, affection, attention, and, for some, control.

Codependency often involves trying to control others covertly, overtly, consciously, or unconsciously in order to feel loved, valued, and accepted. By focusing all their energy on another person, codependents are able to avoid doing their own inner work. This is a destructive pattern that keeps people stuck in unhealthy relationships and prevents them from experiencing genuine connection and love.

It is absolutely possible to shift from codependent love to healthy love, but it takes time, self-awareness, introspection, and a willingness to take personal responsibility and accountability for your actions and expectations.

You will have to let go of the need to control others and instead focus on being in control of yourself. This may involve setting healthy boundaries, communicating effectively, and allowing others to be themselves without trying to change them.

As you navigate this journey, it is important to ask yourself tough questions about your expectations, your reactions, and your willingness to let go of codependency.

Some helpful questions to ask yourself might be:

Are you willing to pause and think before you react?

Are you ready to give up toxic codependent patterns and embrace the path to becoming the best version of yourself?

What are some of your expectations that are grounded in codependency and control?

How willing are you to pause and think about your response before reacting?

Are you OK with accepting people as they are and then deciding if it works for you?

How can you utilize consequential thinking so that you don’t self-sabotage your healing journey?

So, after diving into these thought-provoking questions, what’s the next step for you? Your answers to these questions will be a part of your personal roadmap to self-discovery and improvement. Instead of getting caught up in trying to control others, you can put your energy into making some real changes in your life. Here’s how you can turn these insights into action:

Set Some Goals: Take those insights and turn them into practical goals for yourself. What are some concrete steps you can take to become the best version of yourself? Write them down.

Pause and Breathe: Remember to hit the pause button before reacting. This simple act of mindfulness can help you respond to situations more calmly and wisely.

Lean on Support: It’s perfectly okay to seek support from a therapist, counselor, or even friends who understand your journey. They can provide guidance and a listening ear.

Keep Checking In: Make it a habit to check in with yourself regularly. Are you sticking to your goals? Are you shedding those codependent patterns? What’s working and what needs adjustment?

Celebrate Small Wins: Don’t forget to celebrate your victories along the way, no matter how small. Each step you take is a step closer to your best self.

As you embark on this journey, remember it’s all about you, your growth, and your path to becoming the best version of yourself. Don’t let the need to control others sidetrack you from this incredible journey of self-discovery and improvement.

SOMATIC WORK

Somatic work can be a powerful tool to implement while on your heart sabbatical. At its core, somatic work is an approach that focuses on the connection between the mind and the body, specifically how our bodies hold on to and process emotions and trauma. Imagine it as a bridge that links our physical experiences to our emotional ones.

When you are embarking on a healing journey after a toxic relationship, you must understand that the pain and trauma you experienced has left an imprint on your body. These imprints manifest in ways you may not be aware of, such as muscle tension, headaches, digestive issues, and shallow breathing. This is why somatic work is crucial in healing. By learning to regulate your nervous system and manage emotional triggers, you can begin to connect with your body and access its innate wisdom.

One important aspect of somatic work is learning to self-regulate. This means understanding how your body responds to stress, and learning tools to calm yourself down when triggered. This may include practices like deep breathing, meditation, yoga, or other forms of movement that help you connect with your body.

Another important aspect of somatic work is coping with and managing emotional triggers. You must learn to identify your triggers and how they manifest in your body. This means developing a deeper understanding of your emotional landscape and how it affects your physical well-being. With this knowledge, you can begin to cultivate practices that support you in managing your triggers when they arise.

Here are some examples:

Tightness in the Chest: Imagine you’re in a meeting, and a colleague interrupts you. Suddenly, you feel a tightness in your chest. This could be an emotional trigger from past experiences when you felt unheard or invalidated. The tightness is a physical manifestation of those feelings.

Butterflies in the Stomach: Before giving a public speech or presentation, you might feel “butterflies” in your stomach. This could be tied to a past experience when you felt judged or embarrassed in front of a crowd.

Increased Heart Rate: Perhaps you’re watching a movie, and a particular scene reminds you of a traumatic event. Your heart rate might increase, and you could start sweating. This is your body’s fight-or-flight response to a remembered trauma.

Feeling “Frozen” or Numb: Sometimes, in stressful situations, you might feel unable to move or think clearly. This could be a response tied to past experiences when you felt trapped or helpless.

With this understanding, you can begin to cultivate practices that support you in managing your triggers:

Deep Breathing: When you recognize a trigger and the associated physical response, take a few deep breaths. This helps calm the nervous system and gives you a moment to reflect.

Grounding Techniques: Engage with your five senses. Feel the texture of an object, listen to ambient sounds, or focus on your breathing. Grounding helps you return to the present moment.

Safe Spaces: Identify safe spaces where you can retreat and collect yourself. It could be a quiet room, a park, or even just stepping outside for fresh air.

Seek Support: Talk to someone you trust about your triggers. Sometimes, simply vocalizing your feelings helps in understanding and managing them.

Therapeutic Modalities: Consider techniques like EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) or trauma-informed yoga, which specifically address the physical manifestations of emotional triggers.

By marrying the understanding of your emotional landscape with the physical manifestations of triggers, you’re better equipped to navigate the complexities of your well-being.

YOUR HAPPY CHEMICALS

Part of forging a connection between the mind and the body involves finding ways to hack your “happy chemicals.” This means engaging in activities that promote the release of feel-good chemicals in the brain, such as dopamine and serotonin. Examples of these include exercise, spending time in nature, or engaging in creative pursuits.

When you experience trauma, your happy neurotransmitters can take a hit. However, there are ways to hack into each of these neurotransmitters to help you feel good and increase your emotional resilience.

Serotonin is a neurotransmitter that is responsible for feelings of happiness and well-being. One way to boost serotonin levels is through exposure to sunlight. Spending time outside in nature, even just for a few minutes a day, can do wonders for your mood. Another way to boost serotonin is through exercise. Even moderate physical activity, like a brisk walk, can help elevate your mood and increase serotonin levels.

Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that is associated with reward and pleasure. One way to boost dopamine is to set achievable goals and reward yourself when you meet them. This can be as simple as treating yourself to a favorite snack or taking a break to watch an episode of your favorite show after finishing a task. Engaging in activities that bring you pleasure, such as listening to music or dancing, can also help boost dopamine levels.

Endorphins are neurotransmitters that are associated with pain relief and pleasure. One way to boost endorphins is through exercise. Vigorous physical activity, like running or weight lifting, can help release endorphins and make you feel good. Laughter is also a great way to release endorphins. Watching a funny movie, reading a humorous book, or spending time with friends who make you laugh can all help boost endorphin levels.

Oxytocin is a neurotransmitter that is associated with bonding and social connection. One way to boost oxytocin is through physical touch. Hugging, cuddling, and even holding hands with someone you care about can release oxytocin and make you feel connected. Engaging in acts of kindness, such as volunteering or doing something nice for someone else, can also help boost oxytocin levels.

Hacking your happy neurotransmitters can be a powerful tool in your healing journey after a toxic relationship. These activities not only make you feel good in the moment, but also help you build emotional resilience and increase your overall sense of well-being. This approach is often effective because your ex may have been a significant source of happiness for you in the past, and perhaps you relied on them as one of your primary sources of joy. With their absence, it becomes crucial to recalibrate by discovering and embracing other sources of positive emotions in your life. Through this you can begin to cultivate a more diverse range of happy chemicals, ultimately leading to a life that feels grounded, safe, and connected.

In reconnecting with your body, you can increase your intuition and learn to differentiate between intuition and fear. By developing a deep connection with your physical self, you can tap into your inner wisdom and make better decisions in relationships.

Remember, healing is a journey that requires patience, compassion, and dedication. By committing to somatic work, you will learn to reconnect with your body and access the wisdom and intuition that lies within.

STANDARDS, DEAL BREAKERS, CORE VALUES, AND BOUNDARIES

In counseling my clients from codependency to healthy relationships, I focus on four key elements: standards, deal breakers, core values, and boundaries. Let’s dive into each of these.

Standards