“What’s changed this time?” I asked her gently, trying to understand her thought process.
Haley sighed deeply, her eyes filling with tears. “I just feel so uncertain of my place in the world,” she admitted. “I’m questioning who I am now that I’m open to … healing. I crave connection, but I also feel so disconnected from myself that I don’t want to be social. It’s this constant internal battle.”
I nodded, listening closely as she continued to share her thoughts. “I question whether I’m making the right decision to distance myself from certain relationships,” she said. “But at the same time, I’m starting to love not having so much relationship drama! It’s hard to feel so lonely, but I’m starting to meet excommunicated parts of myself, which oddly enough makes me feel less lonely.”
There was a moment of silence as Haley took a deep breath. “I’m feeling conflicted about choosing myself after a life of trying to get others to choose me so that I wouldn’t have to,” she said softly. “It’s hard, but I know it’s necessary.”
I nodded in a show of support. “It’s okay to feel uncertain and conflicted,” I told her. “But it’s important to honor your feelings and trust your instincts. Taking time for yourself is a brave and necessary step toward healing and growth.”
Haley nodded, wiping away her tears. “Thank you, because this is hard,” she said quietly.
I smiled at her, feeling grateful that she trusted me enough to share her innermost feelings and conflicts. “Of course,” I said. “That’s what I’m here for.”
Haley’s thoughts had bubbled up because she was entering into hermit mode. Before, she had been stuck in a cycle of unhealthy yet familiar relationship dynamics, jumping right back in where she left off, going from breakup to make-up to breakup. For once, she let herself breathe. Now, she was experiencing conflicting feelings that made her question that pattern she had been stuck in before. She’d begun to peel back the onion, and while it was painful, with each layer she was gaining more guidance around what she needed to properly heal.
A mental shift often happens at this time. Instead of porous boundaries and emotional neediness, during hermit mode, it’s not uncommon to experience:
A NEED FOR RIGID BOUNDARIES
You hate everyone. You can’t fathom going on another date, attending another family function, going out with your friends, or being in a social mood. You hate being alone but prefer it if it means not jumping back into the same situation you just prayed to get out of. Or that you’re still dealing with. You build walls around yourself to maintain the taste of inner peace you’ve gotten.
A CYCLE OF EMOTIONAL TURBULENCE AND WITHDRAWAL
Your heart is raw, and with that comes good and bad days. On good days, you’re twirling around your home like Thumbelina. On bad days, you’re struggling to make sense of everything that’s happened, and all the feelings you’ve been avoiding come rushing back. This is the difference between hyperarousal, a state often characterized by anxiety, panic, and feeling out of control, and hypoarousal, where you might feel immobilized, unable to leave your bed or take care of basic hygiene needs. Your brain is trying to adjust to the new normal, without the “happy chemicals” this person/situation once provided. (More on that later.)
It’s essential to be intentional about having self-compassion for this process and recognizing that there’s nothing wrong with you. Your primary goal and task here is to practice regular self-soothing and self-care because it is the time you’re most prone to starting a rebound tour. The loneliness you feel during this time is so excruciating that you might be willing to risk your healing for momentary pleasure with someone you know isn’t good for you.
Deep down, you know you’re not ready for a new relationship, but you choose them because you know it won’t last long. This is when attachment wounds enter the room, and it’s crucial to remember that we’re not doing this anymore.
If you choose to accept the rebound tour mission, you must not break the cardinal rule: don’t get attached. If you do, you’ll remain stuck at that pit stop while trying to get over your ex. The pit stop is a placeholder; you may not even really “like” them, but because you haven’t yet healed, you are in danger of feeling way too attached to let go and walk away. Not only are you trying to get over your last relationship, but now you’ve added this relationship to the pyre of dead relationships, intensifying the pain and prolonging the healing process.
A DEEP YET PROFOUND LONELINESS
Loneliness is often seen as negative, but it doesn’t have to be! When healing after a toxic relationship, take this opportunity to pause for emotional growth and self-exploration. No one prepares us for these moments, but they offer a unique chance to get closer with ourselves. There is so much power in embracing them.
This loneliness happens because you’ve finally given yourself space to process. You’ve stepped out of the cycle, and now your brain has gotten a taste of what it’s like to not be so emotionally dependent on another human for your self-worth, happiness, and well-being. You might not be sure you ever want to date again because right now, the prospect of allowing someone in feels overwhelming and scary. This is normal, and there’s nothing wrong with being here. This is your mind, heart, and body working in concert to recalibrate your nervous system—you can’t heal in the environment that hurt you. You need to take a step back, refocus, and recalibrate.
CONFLICTING FEELINGS AROUND NEWFOUND SOLITUDE
No one prepares you for the range of conflicting emotions when you’re no longer connected to unsafe relationships. You start to realize how much they contributed to you “feeling alive,” because at least you were with someone instead of being alone, but you also realize how much of a huge source of stress and drama they were. On one hand you liked the attention, even if it was negative attention. On the other hand, was the negative attention worth the stress, sleepless nights filled with uncertainty, and bad behavior? The path toward emotional growth can be a rocky one, filled with confronting uncertainty and doubts about the players in your relationships as well as your role in them.
You might find yourself needing to shed old versions of yourself, questioning who you truly are and who you want to be. While this process can be liberating, it can also leave you feeling lost and unsure of your identity.
Craving connection is a natural human instinct, but when you’re healing, it can feel like an impossible task. You might feel disconnected from yourself, struggling to find the motivation to be social or interact with others. The desire for companionship can be intense, yet at the same time the thought of opening up to someone else can be terrifying.
As you distance yourself from unsafe relationships, you might start questioning whether you’re making the right decision. The fear of loneliness can make you doubt your choice to let go of toxic people and situations. You might feel guilty for prioritizing your well-being and wonder if you’re being too selfish. You might even be called “selfish,” but this is okay. Your path isn’t about other people, particularly those who are committed to misunderstanding you. And they’re allowed to have and own their conflicting feelings about your healing journey—as it makes them question their own path. It’s okay to be understanding of their own inner conflict while honoring the new boundaries that will allow you to move forward.
As you delve deeper into your healing journey, you may encounter painful emotions that you’ve been avoiding. These feelings can be intense and overwhelming, but they offer an opportunity to meet parts of yourself that you’ve excommunicated. By confronting these emotions, you may begin to feel less lonely and more connected to yourself.
Choosing yourself goes against a lifetime of trying to get others to choose you instead. You may feel guilty for putting yourself first, and conflicted about whether you’re making the right decision. But remember, choosing yourself is the first step toward building a healthier, happier life.
This is your sign that it’s time for self-care.
EMBRACING LONELINESS
Remember that there’s nothing wrong with taking time away from dating while exploring the difficult feelings that come up post-breakup. I recommend three key steps to my clients for navigating loneliness during this time. Once you’ve taken these steps toward rebuilding your sense of self, you’ll be ready whenever love comes knocking once again.
Step One: Acceptance and Presence
Self-forgiveness is key to releasing the past and making the journey to personal development and emotional exploration easier. It’s important to own your feelings and not personalize the behaviors of others who lack accountability due to their own wounds. Accountability makes sure you focus on the impact over the intention.
When you accept the present moment without judgment or criticism, you become more present with yourself and your emotions. Embracing loneliness for what it is opens this door to living in the moment and growing from it. Taking the time to check in with your emotions each day can help you identify why you are feeling disconnected or lonely so that you can address those feelings in healthy ways. This could mean taking a walk outside in nature, journaling about your thoughts and feelings, or engaging in any activity that brings you joy.
Step Two: Creating Space for Reflection
Dating can be a growth experience that allows you to see yourself through the eyes of another. As we journey through life, each person we date leaves a mark on our hearts and souls. They’re not just stepping stones or chapters in our story; they’re co-authors, even if just for a brief time. When we reflect on past relationships, it’s like peering into a mirror, revealing our triggers, hopes, and growth areas.
Toxic partners can be a mirror for the unhealed parts of yourself that make you vulnerable to abuse. Remember, triggers are doors to the parts of our souls that need to be addressed to make us whole again. Try not to see these relationships as failures but rather as lessons that teach you the answers to relationship tests, so you can stop repeating the same patterns in your relationships.
It’s less about “using” these experiences, and more about cherishing the lessons, understanding our patterns, and embracing the journey toward the kind of love we truly seek. Every relationship, no matter how fleeting or deep, adds a unique shade to our canvas of love and life. Recognizing and interpreting these patterns can be the catalyst for making positive changes and better understanding yourself within the context of your relationships. The issues from our past keep repeating themselves until we interrupt the pattern, understand the origin, and stop the cycle of abuse.
In order to recognize these patterns, we need to make time for quiet reflection. Once you’re able to sit with your emotions, you can broaden this experience and create space for reflection without self-judgment. You need time to reflect on what happened in order to gain an understanding of your own experiences and behaviors so you don’t re-create similar patterns down the line. Taking this time to reflect can also help you uncover areas where you need more self-love and acceptance so that you look within rather than outwardly seeking validation through relationships with others.
During this period of reflection, try not to place expectations on how quickly you should “move on” or judge your feelings. Remember, some days just suck, and that’s okay. One messy day or week won’t derail your healing journey because, as we’ve talked about, healing isn’t linear. And there is no “end” to the journey, because we’re always evolving. It takes however long it takes, but I promise something better lies ahead if you can sit with and reflect on the good and bad days.
Step Three: Learning to Value Your Own Company
Valuing your own company is key when navigating loneliness. Try doing activities alone such as taking yourself on a date by going out for dinner or seeing a movie solo. These little acts of bravery can help build confidence while allowing you to focus on personal growth instead of relying on external validation. Allow yourself to do something new each day free from shame; learning new skills builds self-esteem while also helping you stay connected with your purpose in life.
