Yes, it won’t be a walk in the park. This journey will demand determination, patience, and heaps of self-love. But the rewards? Immeasurable. You’ll transition from feeling like a victim to embodying a vixen: empowered, radiant, and rooted in self-assurance. It’s the ultimate step to break free from cycles of emotional chaos, and instead, build foundations based on emotional safety, genuine connection, and profound trust.

As we say goodbye to the turbulence of past relationships, let’s focus on the most pivotal relationship you’ll ever have—the one with yourself. The next chapter, The Heart Sabbatical, is your roadmap to just that, guiding you on how to invest in, nurture, and flourish in your own company.

4 The Heart Sabbatical

There were days when Haley felt confident in her decision to take time off from dating and focus on herself. She enjoyed her new hobbies, solo trips, and quality time spent with her friends. But there were also days when she felt lonely and missed the comfort of being in a relationship.

In our therapy sessions, Haley talked about her journey of self-discovery and the lightbulb moments she had around her self-worth outside of a relationship. She realized that she had been using relationships as a way to validate her worth and boost her self-esteem. Now, without the distraction of a partner, she had to learn how to love and value herself outside of a relationship.

“I never realized how much I relied on my partner to make me feel good about myself,” Haley said. “But now that I’m on my own, I have to learn how to be enough for myself.”

I nodded in agreement. “It’s a common struggle for many people, Haley. But the good news is that you’re making progress by recognizing it and taking steps to change it.”

Haley also talked to her friends about her journey and the lessons she was learning. They listened to and supported her, and Haley was grateful for their encouragement.

One day, while on a solo trip, Haley had a lightbulb moment about intuition. She realized that in her previous relationships, she had ignored her gut feelings and red flags because she didn’t want to be alone. But now, she was learning to trust her instincts and honor her boundaries.

“I can’t believe how much I ignored my intuition before,” Haley said. “Now that I’m not in denial about the issues in my relationship, I can hear my intuition so much clearer. It’s like a weight has been lifted.”

During a particularly vivid session, Haley described a coastal weekend getaway she’d taken with Jeremy. As they were walking along the shore, watching the sun paint the sky with hues of pink and gold, she’d excitedly pointed out a particularly unique seashell. Instead of sharing her enthusiasm, Jeremy had offhandedly remarked, “You always get excited about dumb stuff! Chill, it’s just a seashell!”

The comment, though seemingly benign, was soaked in condescension, making her joy feel trivial. In the past, Haley would have brushed it off, laughing nervously to diffuse the tension. But now, recalling it, she felt the sting of its subtle cruelty.

“I remember that twinge of embarrassment, like a child being scolded,” she shared, a distant look in her eyes. “Back then, I just giggled and let it slide. But deep down, I felt small.”

I leaned in and said, “That’s your intuition, Haley. It was signaling to you that his words weren’t kind. It’s crucial to listen to yourself in those moments.”

With a sigh of realization, Haley replied, “It’s just crazy how I muted those whispers of intuition just to keep the peace. But they were trying to show me the reality all along.”

As time passed, Haley continued to grow and learn from her experiences. She learned the lessons from her past relationships and how they mirrored back her own issues that she had been avoiding. She realized that by taking a break from dating, she was able to focus on herself and heal those wounds.

Haley’s journey was not without its challenges, but she was grateful for the opportunity to rediscover herself and grow as a person. She learned that true happiness and fulfillment come from within, and she didn’t need a relationship to feel complete.

I often remind my clients that we are social creatures, and need connections with others to thrive, like how Haley regularly leaned on her friends. However, it’s also important to have a strong connection with yourself and remember that romantic relationships aren’t the only sources of healing. In a world that emphasizes the importance of finding a partner and being in a relationship, it’s easy to forget about the relationship you have with yourself and how healing it can be to have safe platonic relationships as well.

That’s where the concept of a heart sabbatical comes in. It’s a time to step back, take a break from dating, and focus on reconnecting with yourself. It’s an opportunity to refocus, recalibrate, and return home to yourself. This contrasts with hermit mode, which is a smaller pause that helps you recover from the immediacy of emotional exhaustion and pain. Hermit mode is where we heal the immediate hurt. When we move to the heart sabbatical, we can do the actual work of looking inward. In this longer sanctuary of self-care, we can heal something deeper.

A heart sabbatical is the next step, like physical therapy after a surgery. It’s not just about healing so that you can begin to have thriving relationships. It’s more intentional, more structured. In hermit mode, you soothe and comfort your weary heart; in the heart sabbatical, you empower it. You not only tend to past wounds but also set a path forward, ensuring you have the tools and resilience to face the future with strength and clarity. In this journey, you go deeper into yourself, uncovering patterns, laying new foundations, and ensuring that you’re not just recovering, but thriving. So while hermit mode holds your hand through the initial pain, the heart sabbatical guides you toward a renewed self, ready to embrace love on your terms.

By taking this time, you can learn to be comfortable in your skin, build self-worth, and hear your intuition better. The heart sabbatical is a chance to invest in the healing journey and lay the foundation for healthy relationships in the future.

WHAT EXACTLY IS A HEART SABBATICAL AND WHY YOU MIGHT NEED ONE

The heart sabbatical is a time of intentional pause, a chance to step back from the autopilot of messy relationships and take a deeper look at your role in them. It’s a time to reflect on the patterns that have emerged in your relationships, both romantic and platonic, and to begin to understand the wounds and traumas that have shaped you.

By intentionally creating space for this introspection, you can begin to identify the ways in which you may have been unconsciously contributing to negative patterns in your relationships. You can also begin to develop an understanding of what you truly want and need from your future relationships, rather than simply repeating old patterns that no longer serve you.

The heart sabbatical is also an opportunity to practice self-care and self-love. It’s a time to prioritize your own needs and desires, to take care of yourself in ways you may have been neglecting in your past relationships. This may include taking up new hobbies, exploring new interests, or simply taking the time to rest and rejuvenate.

While the heart sabbatical may be challenging at times, it ultimately provides you with the opportunity to become more whole, self-aware, and ready for the healthy, fulfilling relationships you deserve.

HOW THE HEART SABBATICAL WORKS

Taking a heart sabbatical allows you to step away from the chaos and drama of toxic relationships and focus on healing, self-care, and personal growth. However, it’s important to establish some clear boundaries in order to make the most of your time away from relationships.

For now, put a lid on all romantic relationships, dating, and sex. Shutting down all potentials, exes, side pieces, and loose ends is necessary to avoid any distractions that might derail your progress.

This might seem difficult or even impossible, especially if you’re used to seeking validation or comfort from them, but it’s crucial for giving yourself the space you need to heal and establish new ways of getting your needs met.

Additionally, some people might find it helpful to abstain from alcohol and other substances. During the sabbatical, they might realize that they’ve been using these to cope with the stress and turmoil of tumultuous relationships. Taking a break from substance use can help them establish healthier coping mechanisms and make better choices moving forward.

Breathe. It’ll be okay. I’ll be here to guide you throughout the journey.

Believe it or not, most people report enjoying the time on the sabbatical once they get past the initial fear of taking a step back. Stepping back from dating life opens up time and energy to work on creating a life that you love, and that is just for you. This might include focusing on self-care, deep introspection, healing, and reflection. I usually recommend spending four to six months honoring and re-establishing via the heart sabbatical. Many people report enjoying the time away from relationship drama so much that they extend their sabbatical even beyond four to six months.

Reconnecting with your friend group can be a helpful way to feel supported and loved during this time. Traveling and taking yourself on solo dates when possible can also help you learn to enjoy your own company and appreciate the beauty of the world around you. Finally, diving into a passion project or hobby can be a great way to rediscover your interests and connect with your authentic self. Reading several self-help books, finding a coaching program like the Inner Circle membership, and starting psychotherapy are other great ways to gain insight and support during this time.

Overall, taking a heart sabbatical can be an incredibly valuable experience. By establishing clear boundaries, you can make the most of your time away from relationships and emerge stronger, healthier, and more in touch with your true self.

UNPACKING PANDORA’S BOX ON YOUR HEART SABBATICAL

Let’s return to the idea of a Pandora’s box, which we introduced in Chapter 1. Taking a heart sabbatical can be a time of deep introspection and self-reflection, and one of the most important parts of this process is continuing the work of unpacking your Pandora’s box. During a heart sabbatical, we have the opportunity to open this box and explore its contents in a safe and supportive environment. It might be helpful to seek the support of a licensed psychotherapist during this time to help you navigate any overwhelming emotional trauma that might show up.

One of the most powerful ways to unpack Pandora’s box is by reflecting on the past and how it connects to the present. This can involve looking back at past relationships and experiences and examining how they may have shaped your patterns and behaviors in current relationships.

Keep in mind, this can be an overwhelming experience. As past traumas, memories, and patterns re-emerge, it’s essential to remember that this process, while intense, is a pathway to healing.

Here’s how you can navigate through:

Create a Safe Space

Unpacking Pandora’s box is a bit like cleaning out an old attic; you’re bound to stumble across memories and emotions that have been collecting dust for years. It can feel overwhelming, maybe even a little scary, but there’s also a beauty in rediscovering those hidden parts of yourself. Now, when these forgotten traumas and emotions start to surface, it’s okay to feel shaken. Breathe. Remember, they’re coming up for a reason—to be acknowledged, understood, and, ultimately, healed. So create a space for yourself first, perhaps a cozy corner of your home with candles, soft music, and your favorite blanket, where you can sit with your feelings without judgment.

Seek Support

Remember, it’s okay to ask for help. Whether it’s confiding in a trusted friend, reaching out in a group program like my Inner Circle, or seeking guidance from a therapist, share your journey. Connecting with others who are on similar journeys can be reassuring. They offer a sense of community, understanding, and shared wisdom. Remember, you’re not alone in this. Sometimes, just voicing these feelings can lighten their weight.

Journal Your Journey

Journaling can be another therapeutic outlet. When emotions bubble up, put pen to paper. Writing them out can offer clarity and a fresh perspective. It can also help you trace back patterns and recognize where they first began.

Prioritize Self-Care

As you uncover painful memories or patterns, it’s okay to take breaks. This is not a race. Listen to what your body and mind need. It’s okay to feel the full range of emotions that come with grieving the end of a relationship, including the root griefs—for example, grieving the father we never had, which has influenced our choice in partner. If something feels too intense, give yourself permission to step back and revisit when you’re ready. This isn’t just about spa days or bubble baths, but truly listening to what your heart and soul need. Maybe it’s a walk in nature, or perhaps it’s a dance session in your living room. Take space to reflect on the good times and the what-ifs, while also allowing yourself to process the pain, hurt, and rejection that may come with a breakup. Whatever it is, ensure you’re giving yourself moments of joy and relaxation.

Practice Mindfulness and Meditation

Grounding exercises can help center you when you feel overwhelmed. Meditation, deep breathing, and even simple practices like taking walks can help manage anxiety and offer clarity. Here’s one you can try, a nature-based grounding exercise: