Additionally, some people might find it helpful to abstain from alcohol and other substances. During the sabbatical, they might realize that they’ve been using these to cope with the stress and turmoil of tumultuous relationships. Taking a break from substance use can help them establish healthier coping mechanisms and make better choices moving forward.
Breathe. It’ll be okay. I’ll be here to guide you throughout the journey.
Believe it or not, most people report enjoying the time on the sabbatical once they get past the initial fear of taking a step back. Stepping back from dating life opens up time and energy to work on creating a life that you love, and that is just for you. This might include focusing on self-care, deep introspection, healing, and reflection. I usually recommend spending four to six months honoring and re-establishing via the heart sabbatical. Many people report enjoying the time away from relationship drama so much that they extend their sabbatical even beyond four to six months.
Reconnecting with your friend group can be a helpful way to feel supported and loved during this time. Traveling and taking yourself on solo dates when possible can also help you learn to enjoy your own company and appreciate the beauty of the world around you. Finally, diving into a passion project or hobby can be a great way to rediscover your interests and connect with your authentic self. Reading several self-help books, finding a coaching program like the Inner Circle membership, and starting psychotherapy are other great ways to gain insight and support during this time.
Overall, taking a heart sabbatical can be an incredibly valuable experience. By establishing clear boundaries, you can make the most of your time away from relationships and emerge stronger, healthier, and more in touch with your true self.
UNPACKING PANDORA’S BOX ON YOUR HEART SABBATICAL
Let’s return to the idea of a Pandora’s box, which we introduced in Chapter 1. Taking a heart sabbatical can be a time of deep introspection and self-reflection, and one of the most important parts of this process is continuing the work of unpacking your Pandora’s box. During a heart sabbatical, we have the opportunity to open this box and explore its contents in a safe and supportive environment. It might be helpful to seek the support of a licensed psychotherapist during this time to help you navigate any overwhelming emotional trauma that might show up.
One of the most powerful ways to unpack Pandora’s box is by reflecting on the past and how it connects to the present. This can involve looking back at past relationships and experiences and examining how they may have shaped your patterns and behaviors in current relationships.
Keep in mind, this can be an overwhelming experience. As past traumas, memories, and patterns re-emerge, it’s essential to remember that this process, while intense, is a pathway to healing.
Here’s how you can navigate through:
Create a Safe Space
Unpacking Pandora’s box is a bit like cleaning out an old attic; you’re bound to stumble across memories and emotions that have been collecting dust for years. It can feel overwhelming, maybe even a little scary, but there’s also a beauty in rediscovering those hidden parts of yourself. Now, when these forgotten traumas and emotions start to surface, it’s okay to feel shaken. Breathe. Remember, they’re coming up for a reason—to be acknowledged, understood, and, ultimately, healed. So create a space for yourself first, perhaps a cozy corner of your home with candles, soft music, and your favorite blanket, where you can sit with your feelings without judgment.
Seek Support
Remember, it’s okay to ask for help. Whether it’s confiding in a trusted friend, reaching out in a group program like my Inner Circle, or seeking guidance from a therapist, share your journey. Connecting with others who are on similar journeys can be reassuring. They offer a sense of community, understanding, and shared wisdom. Remember, you’re not alone in this. Sometimes, just voicing these feelings can lighten their weight.
Journal Your Journey
Journaling can be another therapeutic outlet. When emotions bubble up, put pen to paper. Writing them out can offer clarity and a fresh perspective. It can also help you trace back patterns and recognize where they first began.
Prioritize Self-Care
As you uncover painful memories or patterns, it’s okay to take breaks. This is not a race. Listen to what your body and mind need. It’s okay to feel the full range of emotions that come with grieving the end of a relationship, including the root griefs—for example, grieving the father we never had, which has influenced our choice in partner. If something feels too intense, give yourself permission to step back and revisit when you’re ready. This isn’t just about spa days or bubble baths, but truly listening to what your heart and soul need. Maybe it’s a walk in nature, or perhaps it’s a dance session in your living room. Take space to reflect on the good times and the what-ifs, while also allowing yourself to process the pain, hurt, and rejection that may come with a breakup. Whatever it is, ensure you’re giving yourself moments of joy and relaxation.
Practice Mindfulness and Meditation
Grounding exercises can help center you when you feel overwhelmed. Meditation, deep breathing, and even simple practices like taking walks can help manage anxiety and offer clarity. Here’s one you can try, a nature-based grounding exercise:
THE TREE VISUALIZATION
ROOTS
Begin by sitting comfortably or standing with your feet firmly on the ground. Close your eyes and visualize yourself as a tall, sturdy tree. Imagine roots growing from the soles of your feet, anchoring you deep into the earth. Feel the stability and strength from these roots, holding you firmly in place.
TRUNK
Shift your focus to your body, the trunk of your tree. Just as the tree has a solid foundation that supports its branches and leaves, so does your body support your thoughts and emotions. Take a deep breath in, imagining nourishing water and minerals traveling up from your roots, feeding and energizing your entire being.
LEAVES
Picture the top of your head and your outstretched arms as branches full of vibrant leaves. As you breathe out, imagine these leaves rustling in the wind, releasing any negativity or anxiety into the atmosphere.
SUN AND AIR
Visualize the warmth of the sun caressing your leaves and the fresh air circulating around you. With every inhale, absorb this positivity. With every exhale, let go of any burdens, trusting the earth below to receive and transform them.
COMPLETION
When you feel more grounded and calm, gently wiggle your fingers and toes, bringing movement back into the body. Open your eyes slowly, carrying this feeling of stability and calmness with you.
Using the powerful imagery of nature, this exercise not only connects you with the present moment but also instills a sense of belonging and interconnectedness with the world around you. It serves as a gentle reminder of nature’s cycles, where every element has its place, purpose, and time to flourish.
AFFIRMATIONS AND SELF-COMPASSION
Reminding yourself of your worth and practicing self-compassion is crucial. Use affirmations to reinforce positive beliefs about yourself. Forgive your past self and embrace your present self, recognizing the strength in your journey.
ENGAGING IN PASSION PROJECTS
Reconnect with hobbies and activities that make you feel alive and happy. They can act as a wonderful distraction, giving you positive outlets when things feel heavy.
Remember, the heart sabbatical is about deepening your connection to yourself. As you unpack Pandora’s box, you’re not just confronting the past but actively paving the way for a future filled with understanding, self-love, and healthier relational patterns. Each challenge faced and memory processed takes you a step closer to the empowered, resilient self you’re cultivating.
By understanding the roots of our patterns and behaviors, we can begin to make changes and break free from unhealthy cycles. This can lead to us being able to acknowledge and address our own red flags.
Note: I don’t refer to having unresolved trauma as “red flags” because that furthers the stigma around getting help to address them. I refer to dysfunctional, harmful behavior as red flags: triangulation, gaslighting, emotional/verbal/physical abuse, intentionally confusing language, circular arguments, ghosting, stonewalling, etc.
OWNING YOUR RED FLAGS
