If you’re feeling overwhelmed by the prospect of dating again after being in a toxic relationship, remember that there is nothing wrong with setting boundaries for yourself first before diving back into the dating world. Taking time for self-care is essential. Give yourself grace as you take steps toward healing—it takes time to get your mind and heart ready to love yourself and others again.
While speaking with my client Haley, I did my best to validate the loneliness she was feeling by normalizing it as a part of the process. I helped her navigate the highs and lows she was experiencing in hermit mode and the key realizations that were coming up during her healing journey. I told her that she needed to find ways to take care of herself during those times.
“I need to focus on myself and my healing. I know it won’t be easy, but I’m ready to do the work,” Haley said with a determined look in her eyes.
WHY HERMIT MODE IS NECESSARY
Imagine you’ve just finished a marathon. Your body is exhausted, your muscles are aching, and you’re out of breath. Just as a marathon runner needs to rest and recuperate post-race, your heart and soul need to recover after the grueling experience of a damaging relationship. The intensity of relationship stress acts as a kind of emotional marathon, pushing our feelings and spirit to the limit.
Hermit mode is your body and soul’s intuitive response to this stress. It’s their way of signaling, “Hey, we’ve been through a lot. Let’s take a breather.” It’s a necessary pause—a trauma response that ensures you give yourself the gentle care and attention you so desperately need. In essence, it’s your body’s way of recalibrating, trying to find its emotional and psychological equilibrium once more.
FROM HERMIT MODE TO INTENTIONAL HEALING: THE JOURNEY TO THE HEART SABBATICAL
While hermit mode offers a cocoon of safety, allowing you to rest and recalibrate after the storm, there comes a point where you might feel an inner nudge, signaling that it’s time to step into deeper healing waters. This is where the heart sabbatical comes into play, beckoning you toward a more structured, intentional journey of rediscovery.
Unlike the gentle embrace of hermit mode, the heart sabbatical is more of a committed pledge—an active decision to prioritize your well-being above everything else. It’s about making the conscious choice to avoid romantic entanglements for a significant period, ensuring that you’re not seeking external validation to fill any voids. This is your time to bask in solitude, to listen to that inner voice, and to reconnect with the core of who you are.
The heart sabbatical encourages you to delve deep into self-reflection, nurturing your bond with yourself. By abstaining from the whirlwind of dating, you create a serene environment to rekindle old passions, invest time in hobbies, reforge bonds with friends, and embark on passion projects. It’s a space where you actively work on rebuilding your self-worth without relying on another’s lens to view yourself.
Yes, it won’t be a walk in the park. This journey will demand determination, patience, and heaps of self-love. But the rewards? Immeasurable. You’ll transition from feeling like a victim to embodying a vixen: empowered, radiant, and rooted in self-assurance. It’s the ultimate step to break free from cycles of emotional chaos, and instead, build foundations based on emotional safety, genuine connection, and profound trust.
As we say goodbye to the turbulence of past relationships, let’s focus on the most pivotal relationship you’ll ever have—the one with yourself. The next chapter, The Heart Sabbatical, is your roadmap to just that, guiding you on how to invest in, nurture, and flourish in your own company.
4
The Heart Sabbatical
There were days when Haley felt confident in her decision to take time off from dating and focus on herself. She enjoyed her new hobbies, solo trips, and quality time spent with her friends. But there were also days when she felt lonely and missed the comfort of being in a relationship.
In our therapy sessions, Haley talked about her journey of self-discovery and the lightbulb moments she had around her self-worth outside of a relationship. She realized that she had been using relationships as a way to validate her worth and boost her self-esteem. Now, without the distraction of a partner, she had to learn how to love and value herself outside of a relationship.
“I never realized how much I relied on my partner to make me feel good about myself,” Haley said. “But now that I’m on my own, I have to learn how to be enough for myself.”
I nodded in agreement. “It’s a common struggle for many people, Haley. But the good news is that you’re making progress by recognizing it and taking steps to change it.”
Haley also talked to her friends about her journey and the lessons she was learning. They listened to and supported her, and Haley was grateful for their encouragement.
One day, while on a solo trip, Haley had a lightbulb moment about intuition. She realized that in her previous relationships, she had ignored her gut feelings and red flags because she didn’t want to be alone. But now, she was learning to trust her instincts and honor her boundaries.
“I can’t believe how much I ignored my intuition before,” Haley said. “Now that I’m not in denial about the issues in my relationship, I can hear my intuition so much clearer. It’s like a weight has been lifted.”
During a particularly vivid session, Haley described a coastal weekend getaway she’d taken with Jeremy. As they were walking along the shore, watching the sun paint the sky with hues of pink and gold, she’d excitedly pointed out a particularly unique seashell. Instead of sharing her enthusiasm, Jeremy had offhandedly remarked, “You always get excited about dumb stuff! Chill, it’s just a seashell!”
The comment, though seemingly benign, was soaked in condescension, making her joy feel trivial. In the past, Haley would have brushed it off, laughing nervously to diffuse the tension. But now, recalling it, she felt the sting of its subtle cruelty.
“I remember that twinge of embarrassment, like a child being scolded,” she shared, a distant look in her eyes. “Back then, I just giggled and let it slide. But deep down, I felt small.”
I leaned in and said, “That’s your intuition, Haley. It was signaling to you that his words weren’t kind. It’s crucial to listen to yourself in those moments.”
With a sigh of realization, Haley replied, “It’s just crazy how I muted those whispers of intuition just to keep the peace. But they were trying to show me the reality all along.”
As time passed, Haley continued to grow and learn from her experiences. She learned the lessons from her past relationships and how they mirrored back her own issues that she had been avoiding. She realized that by taking a break from dating, she was able to focus on herself and heal those wounds.
Haley’s journey was not without its challenges, but she was grateful for the opportunity to rediscover herself and grow as a person. She learned that true happiness and fulfillment come from within, and she didn’t need a relationship to feel complete.
I often remind my clients that we are social creatures, and need connections with others to thrive, like how Haley regularly leaned on her friends. However, it’s also important to have a strong connection with yourself and remember that romantic relationships aren’t the only sources of healing. In a world that emphasizes the importance of finding a partner and being in a relationship, it’s easy to forget about the relationship you have with yourself and how healing it can be to have safe platonic relationships as well.
That’s where the concept of a heart sabbatical comes in. It’s a time to step back, take a break from dating, and focus on reconnecting with yourself. It’s an opportunity to refocus, recalibrate, and return home to yourself. This contrasts with hermit mode, which is a smaller pause that helps you recover from the immediacy of emotional exhaustion and pain. Hermit mode is where we heal the immediate hurt. When we move to the heart sabbatical, we can do the actual work of looking inward. In this longer sanctuary of self-care, we can heal something deeper.
A heart sabbatical is the next step, like physical therapy after a surgery. It’s not just about healing so that you can begin to have thriving relationships. It’s more intentional, more structured. In hermit mode, you soothe and comfort your weary heart; in the heart sabbatical, you empower it. You not only tend to past wounds but also set a path forward, ensuring you have the tools and resilience to face the future with strength and clarity. In this journey, you go deeper into yourself, uncovering patterns, laying new foundations, and ensuring that you’re not just recovering, but thriving. So while hermit mode holds your hand through the initial pain, the heart sabbatical guides you toward a renewed self, ready to embrace love on your terms.
By taking this time, you can learn to be comfortable in your skin, build self-worth, and hear your intuition better. The heart sabbatical is a chance to invest in the healing journey and lay the foundation for healthy relationships in the future.
WHAT EXACTLY IS A HEART SABBATICAL AND WHY YOU MIGHT NEED ONE
The heart sabbatical is a time of intentional pause, a chance to step back from the autopilot of messy relationships and take a deeper look at your role in them. It’s a time to reflect on the patterns that have emerged in your relationships, both romantic and platonic, and to begin to understand the wounds and traumas that have shaped you.
By intentionally creating space for this introspection, you can begin to identify the ways in which you may have been unconsciously contributing to negative patterns in your relationships. You can also begin to develop an understanding of what you truly want and need from your future relationships, rather than simply repeating old patterns that no longer serve you.
The heart sabbatical is also an opportunity to practice self-care and self-love. It’s a time to prioritize your own needs and desires, to take care of yourself in ways you may have been neglecting in your past relationships. This may include taking up new hobbies, exploring new interests, or simply taking the time to rest and rejuvenate.
While the heart sabbatical may be challenging at times, it ultimately provides you with the opportunity to become more whole, self-aware, and ready for the healthy, fulfilling relationships you deserve.
HOW THE HEART SABBATICAL WORKS
Taking a heart sabbatical allows you to step away from the chaos and drama of toxic relationships and focus on healing, self-care, and personal growth. However, it’s important to establish some clear boundaries in order to make the most of your time away from relationships.
For now, put a lid on all romantic relationships, dating, and sex. Shutting down all potentials, exes, side pieces, and loose ends is necessary to avoid any distractions that might derail your progress.
This might seem difficult or even impossible, especially if you’re used to seeking validation or comfort from them, but it’s crucial for giving yourself the space you need to heal and establish new ways of getting your needs met.
