THE TREE VISUALIZATION

ROOTS

Begin by sitting comfortably or standing with your feet firmly on the ground. Close your eyes and visualize yourself as a tall, sturdy tree. Imagine roots growing from the soles of your feet, anchoring you deep into the earth. Feel the stability and strength from these roots, holding you firmly in place.

TRUNK

Shift your focus to your body, the trunk of your tree. Just as the tree has a solid foundation that supports its branches and leaves, so does your body support your thoughts and emotions. Take a deep breath in, imagining nourishing water and minerals traveling up from your roots, feeding and energizing your entire being.

LEAVES

Picture the top of your head and your outstretched arms as branches full of vibrant leaves. As you breathe out, imagine these leaves rustling in the wind, releasing any negativity or anxiety into the atmosphere.

SUN AND AIR

Visualize the warmth of the sun caressing your leaves and the fresh air circulating around you. With every inhale, absorb this positivity. With every exhale, let go of any burdens, trusting the earth below to receive and transform them.

COMPLETION

When you feel more grounded and calm, gently wiggle your fingers and toes, bringing movement back into the body. Open your eyes slowly, carrying this feeling of stability and calmness with you.

Using the powerful imagery of nature, this exercise not only connects you with the present moment but also instills a sense of belonging and interconnectedness with the world around you. It serves as a gentle reminder of nature’s cycles, where every element has its place, purpose, and time to flourish.

AFFIRMATIONS AND SELF-COMPASSION

Reminding yourself of your worth and practicing self-compassion is crucial. Use affirmations to reinforce positive beliefs about yourself. Forgive your past self and embrace your present self, recognizing the strength in your journey.

ENGAGING IN PASSION PROJECTS

Reconnect with hobbies and activities that make you feel alive and happy. They can act as a wonderful distraction, giving you positive outlets when things feel heavy.

Remember, the heart sabbatical is about deepening your connection to yourself. As you unpack Pandora’s box, you’re not just confronting the past but actively paving the way for a future filled with understanding, self-love, and healthier relational patterns. Each challenge faced and memory processed takes you a step closer to the empowered, resilient self you’re cultivating.

By understanding the roots of our patterns and behaviors, we can begin to make changes and break free from unhealthy cycles. This can lead to us being able to acknowledge and address our own red flags.

Note: I don’t refer to having unresolved trauma as “red flags” because that furthers the stigma around getting help to address them. I refer to dysfunctional, harmful behavior as red flags: triangulation, gaslighting, emotional/verbal/physical abuse, intentionally confusing language, circular arguments, ghosting, stonewalling, etc.

OWNING YOUR RED FLAGS

It’s common to unconsciously choose partners and situations based on unresolved emotional wounds from your past. This is due to a psychological phenomenon called repetitive compulsion, where you unconsciously seek out and repeat events that are connected to unresolved emotional pain. This can make it difficult to see that you’re unconsciously choosing codependent relationships.

When we’re in these situations, our brains are wired to seek out what’s familiar, even if it’s not safe or healthy. In navigating life, we often find solace in what feels familiar, like a favorite old song. This isn’t just nostalgia; it’s a deep-seated drive to make sense of past experiences, particularly those that may have hurt us.

For instance, if you grew up with a parent who had addiction issues, you might unconsciously seek out a partner with the same struggles. You might feel like you have to take care of them in order to win their love and attention, repeating the same pattern you witnessed in childhood. It’s as if a part of you believes that by helping this person, you can somehow “rewrite” or “master” the pain from your past.

This journey, while challenging, can also be an invitation to heal wounds and patterns we didn’t even know were still open. Every twist and turn, while sometimes perplexing, offers a chance to better understand ourselves and our story.

The good news is that once you become aware of this pattern, you can take steps to heal. This is where a heart sabbatical comes in. By taking time away from painful relationships, you can reflect on your past wounds and learn to heal them. This self-awareness can help you make better choices in future relationships, leading to greater emotional depth, maturity, and intelligence.

For instance, you might realize that you’re experiencing hypervigilance and high reactivity in your current relationship because of past betrayals and infidelity in a previous relationship. By taking time for self-reflection during a heart sabbatical, you can learn to self-soothe and separate your past from your present. This can help you avoid sabotaging your current relationship and build healthier, more fulfilling connections in the future.

Taking this a step further, imagine growing up in a household where one of your parents was a dominant figure, always needing to have the last word or be in control. That kind of upbringing can leave subtle imprints on your heart and mind. As you navigate through life, you might find yourself constantly seeking approval in your romantic relationships, feeling the need to always say “yes” even when you want to say “no.” In professional settings, you might constantly second-guess your decisions, waiting for validation before taking action. In platonic friendships, you might avoid conflicts, fearing that asserting yourself might lead to rejection or abandonment.

Dedicating time for a heart sabbatical lets you gently delve into these patterns. It offers you a serene space to recognize that your eager-to-please attitude or hesitation to speak up is rooted in that early familial dynamic. With awareness and self-compassion, you can start to craft a new narrative for yourself—one where you acknowledge your worth and learn to stand firm in your beliefs and desires. This transformative journey not only enhances your personal relationships but also strengthens your voice in the broader tapestry of life, from boardroom conversations to coffee shop chats with friends.

Why is it important to heal our nervous systems after ending traumatic relationships? The body is incredible and can handle high levels of stress, but you were never meant to live in a constant state of survival mode. Unfortunately, toxic relationships can put you in that mode, adding to the stress you may already be dealing with from unresolved trauma, money issues, and imbalances in your diet, exercise, and self-care. That’s why it’s so important to prioritize healing your nervous system.

When you’re in survival mode, your body’s fight-or-flight response kicks in, releasing stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. Over time, this can have a detrimental impact on your physical and mental health. But by taking the time to reset our nervous system, we can begin to self-soothe and create a self-care regimen that helps us better manage stress.

It’s common for people who experienced childhood trauma or grew up in environments where stress was the norm to struggle with high levels of anxiety and tension as adults. They may even find themselves in relationships that replicate the same patterns of conflict and tension they experienced growing up. But just because you survived something in your past doesn’t mean it’s healthy or normal to continue living in a state of constant stress.

By taking the time to heal your nervous system, you can begin to recalibrate and reset. This means not only addressing the effects of toxic relationships but also acknowledging and working through your own unresolved trauma and stressors. It’s about creating a new normal for yourself where you prioritize self-care and establish healthy boundaries in your relationships. During this time, you might find yourself sleeping more than usual as your body resets your nervous system. Ultimately, the goal is to live a life that feels safe, peaceful, and nourishing to the mind, body, and soul.

The Red Flag Reflection Exercise

Often, we get so caught up in identifying the red flags in others that we overlook our own. This exercise grounds us, shining a light on those personal patterns that might be holding us back.

MATERIALS NEEDED:

A quiet space

A journal or piece of paper

Your favorite pen

RED FLAG REFLECTION EXERCISE

REVISIT PAST RELATIONSHIPS

Begin by listing significant relationships or situationships in your life.

IDENTIFY PATTERNS

For each relationship, jot down moments when you felt uneasy or ignored your intuition. These are potential red flags. Were there any recurring themes?

REFLECT ON YOUR ROLE

Ask yourself, “In what way did I respond to these flags? Did I address them, ignore them, or justify them?” Be honest but gentle with yourself.

UNDERSTAND YOUR “WHY”

Dive deep into the “why” behind your reactions. Was it fear of abandonment? A desire to please? A fear of confrontation?

ENVISION HEALTHIER RESPONSES

For each identified pattern or flag, jot down a healthier way to respond. For example, if you often ignore problems hoping they’ll go away, perhaps you could choose to communicate openly about them in the future.

As you dive into this exercise, remember that this isn’t about beating yourself up. It’s about getting to know yourself a bit better, like catching up with an old friend. This journey is all about understanding, not criticizing. By spotting these personal warning signs and getting the scoop on where they come from, you’re paving a path toward some real, heartfelt growth. And trust me, that’s a pretty beautiful thing.