THE (CONSCIOUS) COMMITMENT
Ah, the commitment. When the healing gets tough, that’s usually when your resistance shows up, especially when things aren’t going as you imagined. You’ll even question the need for change as the journey forces you to make hard decisions that might result in a dry phone and fewer social outings. But remember, healing isn’t a linear journey, and growth doesn’t come from staying in your comfort zone.
It’s tempting to wait for someone else to change before you commit to your own growth. Maybe your ex comes back, or the person who ghosted you wants another chance. But we both know where that road leads—down the path of restarting painful cycles all over again.
When you commit to yourself, everything changes. Like a key unlocking a door, you’ll start to understand the patterns that have held you back for so long. You’ll gain new insights and awareness, and the connections to your past will become clearer. With each step, you’ll be climbing higher toward an unshakable self-love. This journey takes time, and it’s important to be kind to yourself along the way.
For me, the decision to leave wasn’t just about packing my bags and moving out. It was a powerful commitment to prioritize my own happiness above anything else, even if it meant walking away from the future I had planned.
It wasn’t an easy decision. The pain was palpable, and the thought of leaving everything behind was terrifying. But in that moment, I realized that staying in the same place that hurt me would only delay my healing journey.
Looking back, I can see that the decision to leave was just the first step in taking responsibility for my own happiness. Although I questioned my decision at the time, it taught me the importance of self-love and the power of making commitments to myself. I learned that sometimes, we need to put ourselves first and prioritize our own well-being above everything else.
So, take a deep breath and commit to the journey of healing and growth. The resistance may be strong, but you are stronger. And when your strength gets tested, you’ll also be learning how to allow your support system to show up for you. This is why declaring your intention to heal is important. It allows you to signal to those around you that you’re on a new journey to heal.
THE DECLARATION
You’ve made the bold decision to embark on a journey of self-discovery and healing. You’ve recognized that the patterns of the past no longer serve you and it’s time to take charge of your life. But this isn’t a solo journey—you need support.
It’s time to make a declaration to those around you that you are committed to your healing journey. This declaration isn’t just about words; it’s about actions. It’s about turning down dates with the same old toxic types and being selective about who you spend your time with. It’s about consciously choosing to stop entertaining relationships and situations that drain your energy.
Healing isn’t linear and it certainly isn’t all love and light. Instead, there are contradictions, false starts, and many shades of gray in between, especially when you’ve decided that you want to stop repeating painful patterns. Roadblocks will appear, whether it’s your ex popping up when you’ve said you’re done, an annoying family member wanting to “borrow” money when you’re setting boundaries, or a new romantic potential wanting a parent rather than a partner. All of this is normal and to be expected. Some issues might involve digging deeper—maybe it seems like you’re “booked and busy,” but really you’re dealing with high-functioning depression. We have to start with an awareness that things need to change and that we can’t revisit the same places. Think of this as your unconscious mind bringing up things for your review. Why? Its goal is to make you whole.
You’re shifting out of autopilot, survival-mode relationships where you made unconscious decisions and moving toward conscious commitments for a healthy and thriving life.
YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE TO HEAL, AGAIN AND AGAIN
I want to share a story about my client Elena that vividly showcases the process of making a decision, standing firm in that declaration, and wholeheartedly committing to the healing journey. You’ll be able to glimpse into how these steps play out in real-life scenarios. Let’s dive in.
Elena, with her fiery red hair and bubbly energy, was the magnet in any room. People just gravitated toward her. But her love life? It was like a rerun of Sex and the City. Sometimes, she wondered if the universe was playing a prank on her, pairing her with guys who never wanted the same thing, or only pretended to, and things would eventually fizzle out.
Her phone was always lit with notifications, thanks to the dating apps. Big words and sweet promises, but mostly just guys looking for attention in the moment. Every now and then, she’d think, “Okay, is he the plot twist?” But it was the same old script.
Then, Jeremy happened. He was good-looking, charming, and seemed genuinely interested. But as days rolled into weeks, Elena felt like she was just a scene in his Netflix rom-com. The real blow came when she spotted his online world, full of escapades that made no room for her.
Heartbroken and confused, she vented in our sessions. And here’s where I dropped a metaphorical bomb. “Elena, would you run a marathon on a broken leg?” She blinked, not following. I continued, “Can you heal a broken heart if you keep letting the same kind of people break it over and over again? How do you make space for someone healthy to come in if you’re always entangled with the same toxic types?”
That hit hard. It was Elena’s “Aha!” moment.
Later at home, in the quiet of her room, tea steaming by her side, she made the big decision. First, those dating apps? Adios. Those messages filled with empty flattery? Trash bin. And Jeremy? Along with memories of past relationships? Blocked. Blessed. Deleted.
With no distractions, Elena started facing her old wounds. She began unpacking memories, understanding her patterns, and re-evaluating her choices. The realization had hit her: she needed to heal. Sure, it wasn’t all sunshine. There were nights she’d question her choices. But she’d remind herself of the marathon metaphor and stay committed to her healing journey.
One evening, with her friends sprawled around her cozy living room, Elena took a deep breath. She knew this would be a different kind of conversation, but it was time.
“Hey, so, I’ve got something to say,” she began, capturing their attention. “You all know how much I value your support and love. And I know you all have the best intentions for me. But I’ve decided to take some serious ‘me’ time.”
She paused, looking at each face, wanting them to truly understand. “So, here’s the thing: No more setting me up on dates, okay? Even if he’s a ten out of ten and loves dogs. And, when I call you bored on a Saturday night, remind me not to dive back into old situationships, okay? No matter how appealing it seems in that moment.
“You might see me tempted to call up that situation for a Netflix and chill night, and I need you to tell me to chill. There might be nights when I’m itching to just dress up and head to our favorite spots, hunting for someone new. But what I’ll really need then is just a shoulder, maybe a movie night, or just dancing in our pajamas in the living room. I’m in my healing era, giving attention to the old wounds rather than covering them up with messy distractions.”
Nods and murmurs of understanding spread around the room. One friend piped up, “So, more popcorn nights and fewer bar nights?”
Elena chuckled. “Yeah, something like that. I’m on a self-love journey. So, bear with me, okay?”
She was met with a chorus of affirmations and hugs. They got it. And Elena felt lighter knowing her tribe was with her on this.
Emerging from her heart sabbatical, Elena had a newfound glow about her—a testament to the profound truths she’d unearthed. Unpacking her Pandora’s box brought forward patterns eerily familiar from her younger days, scenes she wished were long-forgotten but had, in fact, become the haunting background score of her life.
Growing up, Elena was the silent observer to her mother’s love saga. Memories of her mother—eyes fixed on the silent phone, hoping for a call that rarely came—were etched into Elena’s mind. The muffled sobs her mother believed she hid so well had been Elena’s lullabies, while those whispered chats with friends about demeaning comments and emotional cold wars served as cautionary tales Elena had promised herself she’d never live.
When Jeremy had entered the scene, past and present blurred, stirring up feelings of uneasy familiarity. Jeremy’s unpredictable messages had kept her in a perpetual state of anxious anticipation. The “lighthearted” jabs he’d throw at her dreams during gatherings, only to brush them away later, reminded her so much of the men who once belittled her mother. Arguments with Jeremy were punctuated by days of radio silence, echoing the neglectful men from her mother’s tales. In response, Elena had often found herself going above and beyond, preparing his favorite meals or showering him with surprises, all to catch a fleeting moment of the warmth she once had with him.
Yet, just like her mom, Elena wore a mask of happiness. She shrugged off Jeremy’s “playful” digs and reassured worried friends with a smile. But in solitude, every sly comment and indifferent gesture ate at her confidence. Lying in her bed at night, Elena’s thoughts raced—was she too demanding? Was this the norm for love? The parallels between her love life and her mother’s were impossible to ignore.
Acknowledging this painful mirroring was a jolt for Elena. She realized she was caught in a loop, reenacting her mother’s heartaches. But with this epiphany came empowerment. Elena knew she had to break the cycle, to write a love story where she wasn’t an afterthought but the shining lead. It was her right, her time, and she was poised to embrace it.
And guess what? She wasn’t the only one. Many of my clients, and women far and wide, have taken this time-out, dug deep, and emerged more resilient by forging a stronger relationship with themselves.
This is your chance to reclaim your power and live a life that aligns with your values. It’s time to break free from the unconscious wounds of childhood and step into a life of conscious loving of yourself and others. But in order to do so, you must declare your intentions to someone you trust, someone who will keep you accountable when the going gets tough. Remember, this is your journey, and you have the power to create the life you deserve. Make your declaration, take action, and watch as the universe conspires to help you heal and thrive.
When I finally declared to my own therapist that I was ready to give up this path of destruction once and for all, she helped me articulate and understand how my inner child had been running my emotional show up until this point. Her guidance and mentorship during our time together was invaluable as I gained deeper insights into my own patterns—insights I would not have garnered had I not declared my intentions to her.
Drawing inspiration from my therapeutic journey, we sought to replicate this atmosphere of discovery and accountability in our Inner Circle membership. There, women find the encouragement to choose their own paths to healing, declaring their intentions within a sisterhood that holds them tight. Mirroring the guidance I received from my therapist, they too embrace insights into their intricate patterns.
Much like them, I unearthed facets of myself I’d long ignored. I discovered that my inner child loved moonlighting as Bob the Builder: a people-pleaser whose value was caught up in working for love. I made my ex the new project, cracked my knuckles, and got to work. This conveniently allowed me to ignore the parts of myself that needed my attention, like the unconscious commitment to thinking I needed to work to earn love by building him into the man I wanted him to be. I became his therapist, mama, cook, and chauffeur, which left no room for romantic or passionate love. I was the workhorse in the relationship.
My own heart was neither a haven nor a hospital for myself, but it was for others. In therapy, I learned that this pattern became entrenched during my childhood. Growing up, my mother saw me as an extension of herself, not as an individual with her own needs. Consequentially, I saw my worth grounded in what I did for other people and/or whether they saw me as valuable to their lives. Whether it was wanting to be the thinnest or helping my partner build his businesses, I tried whatever I could out of a deep desire to be loved. But I was tired. And then one day, I hit rock bottom.
