It’s common to unconsciously choose partners and situations based on unresolved emotional wounds from your past. This is due to a psychological phenomenon called repetitive compulsion, where you unconsciously seek out and repeat events that are connected to unresolved emotional pain. This can make it difficult to see that you’re unconsciously choosing codependent relationships.
When we’re in these situations, our brains are wired to seek out what’s familiar, even if it’s not safe or healthy. In navigating life, we often find solace in what feels familiar, like a favorite old song. This isn’t just nostalgia; it’s a deep-seated drive to make sense of past experiences, particularly those that may have hurt us.
For instance, if you grew up with a parent who had addiction issues, you might unconsciously seek out a partner with the same struggles. You might feel like you have to take care of them in order to win their love and attention, repeating the same pattern you witnessed in childhood. It’s as if a part of you believes that by helping this person, you can somehow “rewrite” or “master” the pain from your past.
This journey, while challenging, can also be an invitation to heal wounds and patterns we didn’t even know were still open. Every twist and turn, while sometimes perplexing, offers a chance to better understand ourselves and our story.
The good news is that once you become aware of this pattern, you can take steps to heal. This is where a heart sabbatical comes in. By taking time away from painful relationships, you can reflect on your past wounds and learn to heal them. This self-awareness can help you make better choices in future relationships, leading to greater emotional depth, maturity, and intelligence.
For instance, you might realize that you’re experiencing hypervigilance and high reactivity in your current relationship because of past betrayals and infidelity in a previous relationship. By taking time for self-reflection during a heart sabbatical, you can learn to self-soothe and separate your past from your present. This can help you avoid sabotaging your current relationship and build healthier, more fulfilling connections in the future.
Taking this a step further, imagine growing up in a household where one of your parents was a dominant figure, always needing to have the last word or be in control. That kind of upbringing can leave subtle imprints on your heart and mind. As you navigate through life, you might find yourself constantly seeking approval in your romantic relationships, feeling the need to always say “yes” even when you want to say “no.” In professional settings, you might constantly second-guess your decisions, waiting for validation before taking action. In platonic friendships, you might avoid conflicts, fearing that asserting yourself might lead to rejection or abandonment.
Dedicating time for a heart sabbatical lets you gently delve into these patterns. It offers you a serene space to recognize that your eager-to-please attitude or hesitation to speak up is rooted in that early familial dynamic. With awareness and self-compassion, you can start to craft a new narrative for yourself—one where you acknowledge your worth and learn to stand firm in your beliefs and desires. This transformative journey not only enhances your personal relationships but also strengthens your voice in the broader tapestry of life, from boardroom conversations to coffee shop chats with friends.
Why is it important to heal our nervous systems after ending traumatic relationships? The body is incredible and can handle high levels of stress, but you were never meant to live in a constant state of survival mode. Unfortunately, toxic relationships can put you in that mode, adding to the stress you may already be dealing with from unresolved trauma, money issues, and imbalances in your diet, exercise, and self-care. That’s why it’s so important to prioritize healing your nervous system.
When you’re in survival mode, your body’s fight-or-flight response kicks in, releasing stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. Over time, this can have a detrimental impact on your physical and mental health. But by taking the time to reset our nervous system, we can begin to self-soothe and create a self-care regimen that helps us better manage stress.
It’s common for people who experienced childhood trauma or grew up in environments where stress was the norm to struggle with high levels of anxiety and tension as adults. They may even find themselves in relationships that replicate the same patterns of conflict and tension they experienced growing up. But just because you survived something in your past doesn’t mean it’s healthy or normal to continue living in a state of constant stress.
By taking the time to heal your nervous system, you can begin to recalibrate and reset. This means not only addressing the effects of toxic relationships but also acknowledging and working through your own unresolved trauma and stressors. It’s about creating a new normal for yourself where you prioritize self-care and establish healthy boundaries in your relationships. During this time, you might find yourself sleeping more than usual as your body resets your nervous system. Ultimately, the goal is to live a life that feels safe, peaceful, and nourishing to the mind, body, and soul.
The Red Flag Reflection Exercise
Often, we get so caught up in identifying the red flags in others that we overlook our own. This exercise grounds us, shining a light on those personal patterns that might be holding us back.
MATERIALS NEEDED:
A quiet space
A journal or piece of paper
Your favorite pen
RED FLAG REFLECTION EXERCISE
REVISIT PAST RELATIONSHIPS
Begin by listing significant relationships or situationships in your life.
IDENTIFY PATTERNS
For each relationship, jot down moments when you felt uneasy or ignored your intuition. These are potential red flags. Were there any recurring themes?
REFLECT ON YOUR ROLE
Ask yourself, “In what way did I respond to these flags? Did I address them, ignore them, or justify them?” Be honest but gentle with yourself.
UNDERSTAND YOUR “WHY”
Dive deep into the “why” behind your reactions. Was it fear of abandonment? A desire to please? A fear of confrontation?
ENVISION HEALTHIER RESPONSES
For each identified pattern or flag, jot down a healthier way to respond. For example, if you often ignore problems hoping they’ll go away, perhaps you could choose to communicate openly about them in the future.
As you dive into this exercise, remember that this isn’t about beating yourself up. It’s about getting to know yourself a bit better, like catching up with an old friend. This journey is all about understanding, not criticizing. By spotting these personal warning signs and getting the scoop on where they come from, you’re paving a path toward some real, heartfelt growth. And trust me, that’s a pretty beautiful thing.
TRUSTING YOUR INTUITION & REFUSING DENIAL
When you experience trauma in a relationship, it can shake you to your core. It’s like a storm that passes through, leaving you with a mess to clean up. Sometimes, in order to pick up the pieces and move on, you might engage in denial, pretending everything is okay when it’s not. It’s a coping mechanism, a way to survive the impact of the trauma.
But denial comes at a cost. It dampens your intuition, the inner voice that guides you toward what’s right and away from what’s wrong. And the more you deny your trauma, the more you lose touch with your intuition. It’s like a fog that settles over you, making it hard to see clearly.
When you can tap into your intuition, you can sense red flags before the first date. You can recognize when something doesn’t feel right, even if you can’t put your finger on why. Pay attention and check in with yourself regularly throughout any interaction; ask yourself if what’s being said or done feels right for you. If something doesn’t feel right, then you can act accordingly. And that can save you from a lot of heartache down the road.
Once again, tapping into your Pandora’s box of old, shameful feelings and memories you tried to put aside can be useful here. Sorting through your past can be an important first step in reconnecting with your intuition. Here are some questions you can ask yourself during this process:
How does your Pandora’s box show up in your life?
What patterns keep repeating themselves in your relationships?
How did you feel about your past as a child or when it was happening?
How does this compare to what you now think and feel about it as an adult?
What lessons do you need to learn from patterns that have shown up in your relationships?
