2 The Decision, Commitment, and Declaration

Stepping into a journey of self-healing often means re-evaluating our relationships. Sometimes, this introspection can lead to the daunting realization that for genuine growth, certain ties might need to be severed or reshaped.

Changing or ending relationships is never easy, and it can be especially difficult when you have invested time and energy hoping for a different outcome. When you’ve shared emotional experiences with another person, it is natural to feel a sense of loss and to grieve the future you had planned together.

However, it is important to remember that self-love often means choosing between staying in a relationship that no longer meets your emotional needs and making the brave decision to walk away. This is one way heartbreak brings you back home to yourself. You may have spent a lifetime self-abandoning and ignoring your core emotional needs. Now, it’s time for you to learn how to rebuild the relationship you have with yourself after neglecting it in favor of chasing relationships with others. By getting in touch with our emotional needs, we get a clearer picture of who we are, what we’re looking for, and how we want to feel in our relationships.

I cared for my ex deeply, but there came a point when I realized that I was constantly pushing my own feelings aside for his sake. It was like I was replaying the same old tapes from my childhood.

Now, I’ve learned how to refocus on my own emotional needs. For example, I prioritize self-validation, knowing I don’t need anyone else to tell me I’m enough, and I certainly don’t need to perform or audition to “be enough” either. I’ve laid down clear boundaries, which means I’ve defined the lines of what’s acceptable and what isn’t for me in relationships. I’ve become more in tune with my feelings, thanks to being more self-aware. I work hard to ensure that all my relationships have a balanced give and take.

There’s also the importance of tuning into my emotions and truly listening to what they’re telling me. That’s why I prioritize self-care now. It’s all about acknowledging, respecting, and addressing my feelings, ensuring that I’m mentally and emotionally balanced. I make it a point to stay authentic and be true to what I feel. And when things get tough, drawing on my resilience instead of folding like a lawn chair reminds me that every challenge is a chance to grow.

I’ve learned the importance of emotional growth, staying open, and adapting, and I make sure all my interactions are rooted in respect and accountability. By keeping these emotional needs in mind, I’m making sure I never push my own feelings to the side again.

This powerful yet daunting act of self-love is the most loving and compassionate thing I could have done for myself. Here I was, making the profound shift to honoring my own emotional needs in ways I never thought I had permission to do.

But getting here was no easy feat. I had made an unconscious commitment to sticking out the relationship because I was fearful of starting over and never finding someone else. This type of belief is rooted in ego. It says that in order for me to be valuable to the world, I have to be in romantic proximity to a man. When I say “ego,” I’m talking about that inner voice that’s been shaped by what society or others think of us. It’s that pesky little whisper that sometimes makes us believe our worth comes from outside validation, like staying in a relationship regardless of whether we are happy and safe. So when I say my belief was “rooted in ego,” I mean it was more about wanting to fit into societal expectations than truly listening to what my heart and soul were telling me.

Staying meant battling an internal emotional storm that I could no longer withstand, which resulted in many failed starts around ending the relationship. He was sinking deeper into his own emotional quicksand, and he wanted me to save and take care of him, but doing that meant losing myself in the process. It meant becoming his caregiver, acting as his therapist even when I wasn’t working professionally as one. It meant losing myself to save him, and that wasn’t an option.

Healing requires a decision, a declaration, and a commitment. The decision to heal means declaring this new truth to your support system (friends, family, psychotherapist, treatment team, etc.) and committing to the journey, no matter how turbulent and nonlinear it might be.

THE DECISION

Making the decision to leave wasn’t easy. I struggled with feelings of guilt, sadness, and confusion. But in the end, I knew that it was the right decision for me. It was tempting for me to point fingers at him for the issues in our relationship. However, I had to take a hard look in the mirror and acknowledge the times I might have abandoned or betrayed my own needs and feelings for the sake of our relationship.

You may be at the same crossroads or wrestling with a similar decision, and I want you to know that you can never go wrong in choosing yourself in order to heal. As you approach that decision, you might experience a string of events that give you insight into what has been holding you back. To fight through this, you need to acknowledge and shed your unconscious commitments.

UNCONSCIOUS COMMITMENTS

Unconscious commitments are the promises and agreements you make with yourself without ever being aware of having made them. These commitments can take many forms, such as a belief that you are not worthy of love and won’t find anyone else if you do leave a toxic relationship, or a feeling that you need to sacrifice yourself for the happiness of others. They can also manifest as feelings of guilt, shame, or fear that prevent you from making the decision to leave a toxic relationship.

As you embark on this journey to healing, you must first recognize the insidious nature of your unconscious commitments. These hidden promises and agreements that you’ve made with yourself can keep you chained to toxic patterns that prevent you from making meaningful changes. Like roots that anchor you to old patterns, they can be hard to recognize and even harder to change. Unconscious commitments are often deeply ingrained in your psyche, and breaking free from them requires a great deal of self-awareness, courage, and compassion. It’s not always a simple decision to walk away, especially when you’re confronted with past traumas that have shaped beliefs about yourself and the world around you.

But when you finally do recognize these unconscious commitments for what they are, the grip they hold on you will start to loosen. You can begin to question the beliefs that have been holding you back, and you can start to make conscious decisions that align with what you really need to feel safe and happy in your relationships.

Again, I have to remind you: this journey is not an easy one. Be patient with yourself as you heal. With each step you take toward breaking free from your unconscious commitments, rebuild the commitment to yourself to heal.

THE (CONSCIOUS) COMMITMENT

Ah, the commitment. When the healing gets tough, that’s usually when your resistance shows up, especially when things aren’t going as you imagined. You’ll even question the need for change as the journey forces you to make hard decisions that might result in a dry phone and fewer social outings. But remember, healing isn’t a linear journey, and growth doesn’t come from staying in your comfort zone.

It’s tempting to wait for someone else to change before you commit to your own growth. Maybe your ex comes back, or the person who ghosted you wants another chance. But we both know where that road leads—down the path of restarting painful cycles all over again.

When you commit to yourself, everything changes. Like a key unlocking a door, you’ll start to understand the patterns that have held you back for so long. You’ll gain new insights and awareness, and the connections to your past will become clearer. With each step, you’ll be climbing higher toward an unshakable self-love. This journey takes time, and it’s important to be kind to yourself along the way.

For me, the decision to leave wasn’t just about packing my bags and moving out. It was a powerful commitment to prioritize my own happiness above anything else, even if it meant walking away from the future I had planned.

It wasn’t an easy decision. The pain was palpable, and the thought of leaving everything behind was terrifying. But in that moment, I realized that staying in the same place that hurt me would only delay my healing journey.

Looking back, I can see that the decision to leave was just the first step in taking responsibility for my own happiness. Although I questioned my decision at the time, it taught me the importance of self-love and the power of making commitments to myself. I learned that sometimes, we need to put ourselves first and prioritize our own well-being above everything else.

So, take a deep breath and commit to the journey of healing and growth. The resistance may be strong, but you are stronger. And when your strength gets tested, you’ll also be learning how to allow your support system to show up for you. This is why declaring your intention to heal is important. It allows you to signal to those around you that you’re on a new journey to heal.

THE DECLARATION

You’ve made the bold decision to embark on a journey of self-discovery and healing. You’ve recognized that the patterns of the past no longer serve you and it’s time to take charge of your life. But this isn’t a solo journey—you need support.

It’s time to make a declaration to those around you that you are committed to your healing journey. This declaration isn’t just about words; it’s about actions. It’s about turning down dates with the same old toxic types and being selective about who you spend your time with. It’s about consciously choosing to stop entertaining relationships and situations that drain your energy.

Healing isn’t linear and it certainly isn’t all love and light. Instead, there are contradictions, false starts, and many shades of gray in between, especially when you’ve decided that you want to stop repeating painful patterns. Roadblocks will appear, whether it’s your ex popping up when you’ve said you’re done, an annoying family member wanting to “borrow” money when you’re setting boundaries, or a new romantic potential wanting a parent rather than a partner. All of this is normal and to be expected. Some issues might involve digging deeper—maybe it seems like you’re “booked and busy,” but really you’re dealing with high-functioning depression. We have to start with an awareness that things need to change and that we can’t revisit the same places. Think of this as your unconscious mind bringing up things for your review. Why? Its goal is to make you whole.

You’re shifting out of autopilot, survival-mode relationships where you made unconscious decisions and moving toward conscious commitments for a healthy and thriving life.

YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE TO HEAL, AGAIN AND AGAIN

I want to share a story about my client Elena that vividly showcases the process of making a decision, standing firm in that declaration, and wholeheartedly committing to the healing journey. You’ll be able to glimpse into how these steps play out in real-life scenarios. Let’s dive in.

Elena, with her fiery red hair and bubbly energy, was the magnet in any room. People just gravitated toward her. But her love life? It was like a rerun of Sex and the City. Sometimes, she wondered if the universe was playing a prank on her, pairing her with guys who never wanted the same thing, or only pretended to, and things would eventually fizzle out.

Her phone was always lit with notifications, thanks to the dating apps. Big words and sweet promises, but mostly just guys looking for attention in the moment. Every now and then, she’d think, “Okay, is he the plot twist?” But it was the same old script.

Then, Jeremy happened. He was good-looking, charming, and seemed genuinely interested. But as days rolled into weeks, Elena felt like she was just a scene in his Netflix rom-com. The real blow came when she spotted his online world, full of escapades that made no room for her.

Heartbroken and confused, she vented in our sessions. And here’s where I dropped a metaphorical bomb. “Elena, would you run a marathon on a broken leg?” She blinked, not following. I continued, “Can you heal a broken heart if you keep letting the same kind of people break it over and over again? How do you make space for someone healthy to come in if you’re always entangled with the same toxic types?”

That hit hard. It was Elena’s “Aha!” moment.

Later at home, in the quiet of her room, tea steaming by her side, she made the big decision. First, those dating apps? Adios. Those messages filled with empty flattery? Trash bin. And Jeremy? Along with memories of past relationships? Blocked. Blessed. Deleted.

With no distractions, Elena started facing her old wounds. She began unpacking memories, understanding her patterns, and re-evaluating her choices. The realization had hit her: she needed to heal. Sure, it wasn’t all sunshine. There were nights she’d question her choices. But she’d remind herself of the marathon metaphor and stay committed to her healing journey.

One evening, with her friends sprawled around her cozy living room, Elena took a deep breath. She knew this would be a different kind of conversation, but it was time.

“Hey, so, I’ve got something to say,” she began, capturing their attention. “You all know how much I value your support and love. And I know you all have the best intentions for me. But I’ve decided to take some serious ‘me’ time.”

She paused, looking at each face, wanting them to truly understand. “So, here’s the thing: No more setting me up on dates, okay? Even if he’s a ten out of ten and loves dogs. And, when I call you bored on a Saturday night, remind me not to dive back into old situationships, okay? No matter how appealing it seems in that moment.

“You might see me tempted to call up that situation for a Netflix and chill night, and I need you to tell me to chill. There might be nights when I’m itching to just dress up and head to our favorite spots, hunting for someone new. But what I’ll really need then is just a shoulder, maybe a movie night, or just dancing in our pajamas in the living room. I’m in my healing era, giving attention to the old wounds rather than covering them up with messy distractions.”

Nods and murmurs of understanding spread around the room. One friend piped up, “So, more popcorn nights and fewer bar nights?”

Elena chuckled. “Yeah, something like that. I’m on a self-love journey. So, bear with me, okay?”

She was met with a chorus of affirmations and hugs. They got it. And Elena felt lighter knowing her tribe was with her on this.

Emerging from her heart sabbatical, Elena had a newfound glow about her—a testament to the profound truths she’d unearthed. Unpacking her Pandora’s box brought forward patterns eerily familiar from her younger days, scenes she wished were long-forgotten but had, in fact, become the haunting background score of her life.