These realizations can feel like you’re making progress one day, and the next you’re right back where you started. You may encounter setbacks and obstacles that make you question if you’re making any progress at all. But it’s important to remember that healing is a process, not a destination.
Be patient with yourself and embrace the process and all the twists and turns that come with it so that you can appreciate the beauty of the journey as much as the destination. Each step forward, no matter how small, is progress. You’re learning to make conscious decisions and intentional commitments so that you can finally heal and thrive.
Buckle up and get ready for the ride of your life. Embrace the journey of healing and self-discovery that brings us back to ourselves. The first stop: unpacking that Pandora’s box in the back of your emotional closet.
PANDORA’S BOX
Deep within all of us lies a Pandora’s box filled with unaddressed trauma and unresolved emotional wounds that lurk beneath the surface. These forgotten emotions, traumas, and wounds have been pushed aside or ignored in order to survive in past relationships—yet they’ve covertly influenced our relationships nonetheless. This box holds painful memories surrounding toxic relationships, unhealthy patterns, emotional abuse, abandonment, rejection, betrayal, and more.
Often, we try to push these painful memories aside, pretending they don’t exist. Yet they remain, like a heavy anchor weighing you down. The key to freeing yourself from the shackles of these emotional wounds lies in diving into and cleaning out your Pandora’s box—like that junk drawer in your kitchen you ignore and keep adding to. To do this, you must journey into the depths of your own psyche, face the demons that have long haunted you, and allow yourself to finally confront them head-on. If you don’t, then the same demons in your Pandora’s box can show up in your relationships. Your childhood trauma becomes your adult drama.
It’s scary and difficult to unearth your past experiences, but the most important element is to remain open to the process. You don’t need to be perfect or to remember everything that has made you who you are. It starts with simply declaring that you’re listening to your intuition and unconscious mind as they show you the parts of yourself lurking in the shadows of your relationships today. When you do this, your intuition can begin to awaken and denial will soften. Your clarity will sharpen with each layer of trauma you peel back. Like a flicker of light in the darkness, you’ll be guided along the path toward healing.
Once you gain the courage to face the demons that haunt you, they can no longer hold you captive to the past. You are now able to trust your intuition, knowing that it will guide you toward the recesses of your heart that hold the answers around how you show up in your relationships. You learn to listen to your inner voice, to heed the red flags that arise, and to make choices that align with your true self.
Start by asking yourself questions such as: What do I need to know about how my past impacts my relationships today? What are some consistent threads present throughout my childhood and adult relationships? Abandonment? Betrayal? Emotional neglect? Feeling left out? Try to allow your intuition to guide you to answers.
By normalizing the process of unpacking your old wounds, you can begin to comprehend how they have shaped you and the impact they have on your life today. Embrace the journey, give yourself the grace you deserve, and find solace in the knowledge that we are all in this together.
Only when I opened my Pandora’s box was I able to see the patterns that had influenced so many of my relationships. Realizing how my past was still playing a role in them today helped me understand how to break free.
Looking back, a recurring theme emerged in my romantic relationships. I found myself drawn to men who had a pattern of ghosting, breadcrumbing, and unexpectedly severing ties. Poof, they were gone—suddenly and without warning. This mirrors the unexpected loss of my father, who passed away without any forewarning. It became evident that I was subconsciously seeking out partners who echoed the abrupt and unforeseen departure of my dad, reinforcing a cycle of sudden and unexplained absences in my life.
Reflecting on my marriage, I realized that something as simple as my ex-husband stepping out to the store would trigger an anxiety deeply rooted in the harrowing moment I learned of my father’s passing. From our apartment, I would intently watch him make the short journey across the street to the store and back, my heart heavy with an irrational fear that he might not return. Every departure came with the haunting anticipation of a phone call bearing the worst news. This perpetual state of anxiety was put into stark perspective when a graduate school professor said, “This isn’t any way to live; you need to address this,” during our group counseling class.
This constant dread of abandonment had become a relentless companion in my daily life, a normalcy I had inadvertently accepted. It was then that I began to deeply reflect on the profound impact of my father’s unexpected departure. While my conscious self did not perceive it as an act of abandonment, the vulnerable child within me felt otherwise.
In my friendships with women, I often saw reflections of the complex and unresolved dynamics I experienced with my mother. Echoes of verbal and emotional abuse, abandonment, and the constant fear of rejection manifested in my compulsion to be the ever-accommodating friend, always attending to others at the cost of neglecting myself.
As I matured, I began to recognize that the simmering anger of my twenties was intricately tied to how I was suppressing my genuine feelings. Instead of expressing myself, I was haunted by the belief that voicing my sentiments would lead to rejection.
Professionally, I was fortunate to have an exceptional clinical supervisor. Yet, I couldn’t help but project onto her the disappointments I associated with my mother, especially if I lagged in submitting my billing paperwork. When she’d gently ask for a commitment on the completion date, a sense of dread would grip me, and I became convinced that she harbored resentment for my tardiness.
But through her actions, she inadvertently provided a sanctuary for self-reflection. With her warmth, patience, and understanding, she consistently defied my braced expectations of hostility or the cold shoulder.
Eventually I had a stark realization: the shadows I perceived in these relationships were actually my own. It became essential to confront the specters of my past, those that resided in my own Pandora’s box. Diving into my Pandora’s box, I hit a real “what now?” moment: Do I take the leap and start healing, or just keep everyone else happy while I’m stuck listening to that same old inner voice telling me to play it safe in my relationships?
Unpacking the trauma and unwanted memories you have stored in your Pandora’s box is one of the most important steps you will take in your healing journey, and so we will return to this crucial practice at many points throughout the book. It won’t be easy, but pushing aside any fear or shame to sort through your Pandora’s box is a crucial, and incredibly rewarding, experience.
2
The Decision, Commitment, and Declaration
Stepping into a journey of self-healing often means re-evaluating our relationships. Sometimes, this introspection can lead to the daunting realization that for genuine growth, certain ties might need to be severed or reshaped.
Changing or ending relationships is never easy, and it can be especially difficult when you have invested time and energy hoping for a different outcome. When you’ve shared emotional experiences with another person, it is natural to feel a sense of loss and to grieve the future you had planned together.
However, it is important to remember that self-love often means choosing between staying in a relationship that no longer meets your emotional needs and making the brave decision to walk away. This is one way heartbreak brings you back home to yourself. You may have spent a lifetime self-abandoning and ignoring your core emotional needs. Now, it’s time for you to learn how to rebuild the relationship you have with yourself after neglecting it in favor of chasing relationships with others. By getting in touch with our emotional needs, we get a clearer picture of who we are, what we’re looking for, and how we want to feel in our relationships.
I cared for my ex deeply, but there came a point when I realized that I was constantly pushing my own feelings aside for his sake. It was like I was replaying the same old tapes from my childhood.
Now, I’ve learned how to refocus on my own emotional needs. For example, I prioritize self-validation, knowing I don’t need anyone else to tell me I’m enough, and I certainly don’t need to perform or audition to “be enough” either. I’ve laid down clear boundaries, which means I’ve defined the lines of what’s acceptable and what isn’t for me in relationships. I’ve become more in tune with my feelings, thanks to being more self-aware. I work hard to ensure that all my relationships have a balanced give and take.
There’s also the importance of tuning into my emotions and truly listening to what they’re telling me. That’s why I prioritize self-care now. It’s all about acknowledging, respecting, and addressing my feelings, ensuring that I’m mentally and emotionally balanced. I make it a point to stay authentic and be true to what I feel. And when things get tough, drawing on my resilience instead of folding like a lawn chair reminds me that every challenge is a chance to grow.
I’ve learned the importance of emotional growth, staying open, and adapting, and I make sure all my interactions are rooted in respect and accountability. By keeping these emotional needs in mind, I’m making sure I never push my own feelings to the side again.
This powerful yet daunting act of self-love is the most loving and compassionate thing I could have done for myself. Here I was, making the profound shift to honoring my own emotional needs in ways I never thought I had permission to do.
But getting here was no easy feat. I had made an unconscious commitment to sticking out the relationship because I was fearful of starting over and never finding someone else. This type of belief is rooted in ego. It says that in order for me to be valuable to the world, I have to be in romantic proximity to a man. When I say “ego,” I’m talking about that inner voice that’s been shaped by what society or others think of us. It’s that pesky little whisper that sometimes makes us believe our worth comes from outside validation, like staying in a relationship regardless of whether we are happy and safe. So when I say my belief was “rooted in ego,” I mean it was more about wanting to fit into societal expectations than truly listening to what my heart and soul were telling me.
Staying meant battling an internal emotional storm that I could no longer withstand, which resulted in many failed starts around ending the relationship. He was sinking deeper into his own emotional quicksand, and he wanted me to save and take care of him, but doing that meant losing myself in the process. It meant becoming his caregiver, acting as his therapist even when I wasn’t working professionally as one. It meant losing myself to save him, and that wasn’t an option.
Healing requires a decision, a declaration, and a commitment. The decision to heal means declaring this new truth to your support system (friends, family, psychotherapist, treatment team, etc.) and committing to the journey, no matter how turbulent and nonlinear it might be.
THE DECISION
Making the decision to leave wasn’t easy. I struggled with feelings of guilt, sadness, and confusion. But in the end, I knew that it was the right decision for me. It was tempting for me to point fingers at him for the issues in our relationship. However, I had to take a hard look in the mirror and acknowledge the times I might have abandoned or betrayed my own needs and feelings for the sake of our relationship.
You may be at the same crossroads or wrestling with a similar decision, and I want you to know that you can never go wrong in choosing yourself in order to heal. As you approach that decision, you might experience a string of events that give you insight into what has been holding you back. To fight through this, you need to acknowledge and shed your unconscious commitments.
UNCONSCIOUS COMMITMENTS
Unconscious commitments are the promises and agreements you make with yourself without ever being aware of having made them. These commitments can take many forms, such as a belief that you are not worthy of love and won’t find anyone else if you do leave a toxic relationship, or a feeling that you need to sacrifice yourself for the happiness of others. They can also manifest as feelings of guilt, shame, or fear that prevent you from making the decision to leave a toxic relationship.
As you embark on this journey to healing, you must first recognize the insidious nature of your unconscious commitments. These hidden promises and agreements that you’ve made with yourself can keep you chained to toxic patterns that prevent you from making meaningful changes. Like roots that anchor you to old patterns, they can be hard to recognize and even harder to change. Unconscious commitments are often deeply ingrained in your psyche, and breaking free from them requires a great deal of self-awareness, courage, and compassion. It’s not always a simple decision to walk away, especially when you’re confronted with past traumas that have shaped beliefs about yourself and the world around you.
But when you finally do recognize these unconscious commitments for what they are, the grip they hold on you will start to loosen. You can begin to question the beliefs that have been holding you back, and you can start to make conscious decisions that align with what you really need to feel safe and happy in your relationships.
Again, I have to remind you: this journey is not an easy one. Be patient with yourself as you heal. With each step you take toward breaking free from your unconscious commitments, rebuild the commitment to yourself to heal.
