However, there is a growing movement to challenge these harmful societal messages and create a more conscious dating culture. This requires self-reflection and the courage to confront and dismantle internalized beliefs and behaviors about gender. It also involves examining the intersections of our identities, including race, class, and ability, and how they impact our relationships and gendered expectations.
By taking a holistic approach to healing, we can cultivate a more conscious dating culture based on mutual respect, emotional growth, and communication, rather than one where power dynamics based on gender roles define what partnerships should look like.
Let’s take a look at a few issues we will need to unlearn in order to create healthy partnerships grounded in conscious love and relating.
Focusing Solely on “What Men Want”
When it comes to navigating dating, career and entrepreneurial women can often face misogyny, being deemed “masculine” or “unattractive.” This way of thinking is both narrow-minded and harmful, and it ignores how the dating landscape has changed. Women today are searching for partners who are likable, intelligent, and mature, and who know how to create safe spaces for them. As such, isn’t it time we stopped prioritizing what men want in a relationship and started focusing on the emotional health, development, and safety of both parties?
Society often tells us that if we’re not pleasing men, we’re not good enough. But what about the man’s role in being a healthy partner? It’s time we shifted the focus away from women changing and conforming, and instead encouraged both people to do the inner work to become better partners. This will help us to cultivate deeper relationships and connections, and shift the focus from performative love to conscious love.
Though there may be some problematic messaging out there, thankfully we’re in a time of transition. There’s more dialogue than ever on why we need to ditch the “what men want” mentality and focus on what really matters in a relationship. Recognizing and valuing the spectrum of human experience and expression will also help us to work toward creating a more inclusive and equitable society for all.
Making Everything About Feminine vs. Masculine Energy
This short-sighted approach can damage not only our relationships, but also our worldview. We don’t need to define everything in terms of feminine or masculine energy. We tell men that if they don’t behave like an “alpha,” they are weak and “feminine”—and then we wonder why some men resent the feminine yet crave its acceptance. We tell women who are financially independent and successful in their careers that they are “too masculine.”
When we define individuals in this limited way, we fail to acknowledge the variety of human experience and expression. We need to work together to challenge and dismantle the harmful societal messages that have been imposed on us. In doing so, we will create a more compassionate and equitable world for all.
Equating Hyper-Independence with Masculine Energy
As women, we are often taught to be nurturing and receptive, but when we encounter someone who is “not open to receiving,” it is important that we don’t equate this with a lack of “femininity.” Resistance to receiving help and support is often rooted in trauma, whether from cultural conditioning, difficult life experiences, or past betrayals and abandonment—and it affects both men and women.
When we teach men to avoid vulnerability, suppress their emotions, and reject help, we rob them of the chance to heal from and process their traumatic experiences. This double standard has serious consequences and contributes to the male mental health crisis. Internalized emotional suppression can manifest as anxiety, depression, anger, and addiction, and it can cause men to struggle with intimacy and connection in their relationships.
They may have trouble expressing themselves, sharing their feelings, and being truly present with their partners, which can lead to a breakdown of trust and communication (one of the primary reasons why relationships fail). Telling men to avoid vulnerability, while encouraging women to be open and receptive, creates a vicious cycle of emotional unavailability that damages relationships, perpetuates trauma, and undermines the mental and emotional well-being of everyone involved.
It’s time to challenge these harmful gender norms and strive for a healthier and more balanced approach to relationships and mental health. We need to shift our perspective and acknowledge that this common trauma response impacts all of us. Let us embrace a more holistic and empathetic approach that recognizes and addresses the underlying traumas, rather than simply labeling and judging. By doing so, we can work toward creating a society that is more compassionate and equitable, one that supports healing and growth for all.
Defining Femininity Outside of Pleasing Men
Too often, we equate “feminine energy” with patriarchal notions of how women are expected to behave to please men. When we do this, it leads to harmful and limiting beliefs about femininity and what it means to be a woman. It’s vital to recognize that we are culturally groomed to believe that certain appearances and behaviors are attractive. Rather than being rooted in biology, these stem from social and cultural expectations. “Feminine energy” is not a mask that we put on in order to get something—it’s not about what we wear, how we present ourselves, or the way we behave. It is an energy that we embody as women, one that we can express in a myriad of ways.
It’s time we rejected the limiting and harmful notion that there is only one way for women to be “feminine.” Let’s work toward creating a more inclusive and equitable society, one that supports and celebrates the diverse expressions of femininity in all their glory.
Promoting Imbalanced Power Dynamics
The notion of femininity has long been tangled with societal expectations and impositions. Historically, certain societal structures and norms often boxed women into specific roles, primarily based on the assumption that certain roles were “fit” for women and others weren’t.
For instance, in many societies and cultures, women were encouraged or even compelled to embrace the role of homemaker, not necessarily because it was inherently a feminine role, but because societal norms and restrictions limited women’s opportunities outside the home. These impositions weren’t just about job roles; they were deeply intertwined with what was considered appropriate, respectable, and “feminine.”
In communities or geographical regions where traditional values heavily influence societal norms, these attitudes persist. They may also linger in our personal and psychic structures. If, for example, our mothers or grandmothers held the belief that a woman’s place was in the home, those thoughts might still unconsciously influence our perceptions.
Today, we’re in a transformative era. Women across the world, especially in urban settings and dual-career households, have a broader array of choices available to them. However, in some regions or communities, particularly where cultural and traditional beliefs hold significant sway, remnants of these older perspectives about femininity persist. This isn’t to say that choosing to be a homemaker is in any way inferior; it’s the lack of choice or the imposition of a singular choice that’s problematic.
Ultimately, the true essence of femininity is diverse, fluid, and deeply personal. It’s vital that we recognize and celebrate this diversity, ensuring that every woman has the autonomy to define and express her femininity in a way that resonates with her individual identity, unshackled from outdated societal norms.
It is important to critically examine the trends and messaging that are often presented as “truth” about femininity and how women should show up in the world. Too often, these modern trends are based on outdated and harmful patriarchal notions that do nothing but reinforce toxic gender roles and internalized misogyny.
Let’s stop regurgitating archaic patriarchal notions that we encounter on YouTube and other media platforms. Instead, let’s take the time to critically examine the layers and nuances of these ideas and their impact on our lives and relationships. By doing so, we can work toward creating a more compassionate and equitable society for all.
DECODING THE SUBTEXT OF THE SEXIST MESSAGING IN DATING AND RELATIONSHIPS
The harmful messaging around women, their careers and finances, and imbalanced power dynamics is often disguised as advice. “Men don’t care about your money or your degrees” is code for, “We want women to be hungry and destitute in order to keep them powerless and without options.” It also promotes the idea that a woman’s value only lies in what’s attractive to her partner—not who she really is.
Amid this chatter, it’s challenging to distinguish genuine discourse about relationships from old-fashioned societal expectations masquerading as “harmless” dating advice.
The Myth of Choosing Better
Have you ever heard someone say that if women just chose better, they wouldn’t be in the situation they are in? Logically, this is true. However, the messengers are typically emotional predators who set out to “trick” their partners (using deception and manipulation) into getting what they want, later blaming them for falling for it. This is not only wrong, it’s also a harmful narrative. We should stop telling women to choose better and instead focus on healing so that we can all be better without playing the blame game.
When we tell women to “choose better,” we are perpetuating a narrative of victim-blaming while ignoring the other side; it takes all parties involved to produce the outcome. This dialogue implies that if a woman were just smarter or more aware, she would have made different choices and avoided whatever situation she found herself in—and it conveniently ignores how we as a society have condoned and even normalized toxic, harmful, and dysfunctional behavior.
We all need to choose better and we all need to do better—we need to emphasize healing and growth for everyone. We need to cultivate self-reflection, empathy, and resilience in order to create healthier relationships with one another as well as within ourselves. We need to prioritize creating safe spaces where we can learn from our mistakes and grow from them, rather than being shamed for our past actions.
We must also recognize how societal norms contribute to this problem. For centuries, men have been taught that it is their right (or even duty) to control, dominate, and in some cultures, abuse women. At the same time, women have been socialized into believing that it is their responsibility to obey men, no matter what. We must dismantle these ideas if we want true gender equality and freedom from oppression.
Blaming victims only serves to reinforce oppressive systems of power and control over marginalized people—particularly women. Instead of victim-blaming, we should focus on creating environments where healing can take place through open dialogue, education, and understanding between genders, so that we can all be better together without relying on shame or guilt as motivators for change. Only then will we begin to see real progress toward a more balanced healing path.
The Myth of Male Disinterest in Female Success
One of the most pervasive messages surrounding courtship is that men don’t care about female success or financial stability. This message is insidious because it reinforces the notion that independent women are undesirable, and it implies that the only way for a woman to attract male attention is to appear vulnerable or desperate. But this isn’t true; healthy masculinity appreciates a woman’s success just as much as it appreciates traditional femininity.
The Myth: Success Makes Women Less Desirable—Tales of Projection and Insecurity
The idea that men are inherently insecure or fragile when it comes to female success is rooted in a long-held belief that men need to be dominant and powerful. Unfortunately, this belief is perpetuated by our culture, which continues to depict women as less capable than men. This contributes to a sense of male insecurity around female success because they perceive it as a threat. In men, this can manifest itself as a fear of being “undermined” by successful women, which leads to feelings of insecurity and ego fragility.
For some men, the idea of having an equal partner who requires more than just money or sex can be difficult to cope with. In order for relationships between men and women to truly reach a state of equality, men must be willing to show up with emotional intelligence, depth, and maturity—qualities that may be lacking due to socialization around male dominance and misogynistic messaging that begins in childhood.
Socialization Around Male Dominance
Many boys are taught that they should strive for dominance over their female counterparts, a belief that often carries into adulthood. This mindset is grounded in antiquated ideals like the need for women to abdicate the inherent power granted by increased education and financial independence. If women are no longer opting to stay in relationships where they have less power than their partners, this goes against the patriarchal dynamic that requires them to abdicate their power in order to be seen as attractive.
The False Narrative of Femininity and Submission
Have you ever noticed that the idea of femininity is often equated with submissiveness? It’s an insidious assumption that keeps getting perpetuated in our culture, from the movies we watch to the music we listen to. This false narrative has led to an unbalanced power dynamic between men and women, in which the man has all the power and the woman is expected to be a doormat. In reality, women can assert their femininity without having to submit themselves to men.
Let’s talk about why these notions of femininity and submission are so harmful.
The Myth of Submissive Femininity
Conflating femininity with submission sends a message that women should be pleasing, passive, and accommodating in order for men to find them attractive. This message gets internalized by many women—and some men—and it leads to a skewed understanding of healthy relating. They think that in order for a relationship to work, one partner must always be submissive, which means one partner will always have more power than the other.
This goes against what true partnership should look like: a balanced exchange where both partners are on equal footing and recognize each other’s needs. When there are unequal power dynamics present in a relationship, it creates an unhealthy environment where one partner feels entitled or superior. That kind of imbalance can lead to manipulation or even abuse—all because people have been conditioned into believing that submission is synonymous with being feminine.
The Need for True Partnership
True partnership requires a healthy exchange between two equals who respect each other’s boundaries, needs, and wants, while also recognizing each other’s strengths and weaknesses. This is one reason why diverse representation of women matters, particularly in the media. By seeing more strong female protagonists—women who are assertive, independent, and empowered without sacrificing their femininity or themselves at the altar of male dominance—we can start changing the false narrative around femininity once and for all!
