With this understanding, you can begin to cultivate practices that support you in managing your triggers:
Deep Breathing: When you recognize a trigger and the associated physical response, take a few deep breaths. This helps calm the nervous system and gives you a moment to reflect.
Grounding Techniques: Engage with your five senses. Feel the texture of an object, listen to ambient sounds, or focus on your breathing. Grounding helps you return to the present moment.
Safe Spaces: Identify safe spaces where you can retreat and collect yourself. It could be a quiet room, a park, or even just stepping outside for fresh air.
Seek Support: Talk to someone you trust about your triggers. Sometimes, simply vocalizing your feelings helps in understanding and managing them.
Therapeutic Modalities: Consider techniques like EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) or trauma-informed yoga, which specifically address the physical manifestations of emotional triggers.
By marrying the understanding of your emotional landscape with the physical manifestations of triggers, you’re better equipped to navigate the complexities of your well-being.
YOUR HAPPY CHEMICALS
Part of forging a connection between the mind and the body involves finding ways to hack your “happy chemicals.” This means engaging in activities that promote the release of feel-good chemicals in the brain, such as dopamine and serotonin. Examples of these include exercise, spending time in nature, or engaging in creative pursuits.
When you experience trauma, your happy neurotransmitters can take a hit. However, there are ways to hack into each of these neurotransmitters to help you feel good and increase your emotional resilience.
Serotonin is a neurotransmitter that is responsible for feelings of happiness and well-being. One way to boost serotonin levels is through exposure to sunlight. Spending time outside in nature, even just for a few minutes a day, can do wonders for your mood. Another way to boost serotonin is through exercise. Even moderate physical activity, like a brisk walk, can help elevate your mood and increase serotonin levels.
Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that is associated with reward and pleasure. One way to boost dopamine is to set achievable goals and reward yourself when you meet them. This can be as simple as treating yourself to a favorite snack or taking a break to watch an episode of your favorite show after finishing a task. Engaging in activities that bring you pleasure, such as listening to music or dancing, can also help boost dopamine levels.
Endorphins are neurotransmitters that are associated with pain relief and pleasure. One way to boost endorphins is through exercise. Vigorous physical activity, like running or weight lifting, can help release endorphins and make you feel good. Laughter is also a great way to release endorphins. Watching a funny movie, reading a humorous book, or spending time with friends who make you laugh can all help boost endorphin levels.
Oxytocin is a neurotransmitter that is associated with bonding and social connection. One way to boost oxytocin is through physical touch. Hugging, cuddling, and even holding hands with someone you care about can release oxytocin and make you feel connected. Engaging in acts of kindness, such as volunteering or doing something nice for someone else, can also help boost oxytocin levels.
Hacking your happy neurotransmitters can be a powerful tool in your healing journey after a toxic relationship. These activities not only make you feel good in the moment, but also help you build emotional resilience and increase your overall sense of well-being. This approach is often effective because your ex may have been a significant source of happiness for you in the past, and perhaps you relied on them as one of your primary sources of joy. With their absence, it becomes crucial to recalibrate by discovering and embracing other sources of positive emotions in your life. Through this you can begin to cultivate a more diverse range of happy chemicals, ultimately leading to a life that feels grounded, safe, and connected.
In reconnecting with your body, you can increase your intuition and learn to differentiate between intuition and fear. By developing a deep connection with your physical self, you can tap into your inner wisdom and make better decisions in relationships.
Remember, healing is a journey that requires patience, compassion, and dedication. By committing to somatic work, you will learn to reconnect with your body and access the wisdom and intuition that lies within.
STANDARDS, DEAL BREAKERS, CORE VALUES, AND BOUNDARIES
In counseling my clients from codependency to healthy relationships, I focus on four key elements: standards, deal breakers, core values, and boundaries. Let’s dive into each of these.
Standards
Standards are the expectations you have for yourself and your partner in a relationship. They encompass the qualities and behaviors you value. Identifying your standards helps you understand what you want and need in a relationship, creating a benchmark for what you will accept and what you won’t. Examples include honesty, respect, loyalty, kindness, and effective communication. Standards empower you to make informed choices about your partner and ensure your relationship aligns with your values.
Deal Breakers
Deal breakers are the non-negotiables in a relationship, the things you cannot tolerate. These are aspects so important that they warrant ending a relationship if they are not met. Examples may include cheating, abuse, addiction, or a lack of respect. Deal breakers protect your mental, emotional, and physical well-being and preserve your self-respect and self-worth.
Core Values
Core values are the guiding principles that define who you are, what you stand for, and what you believe in. They encompass aspects of life that are deeply significant to you, such as family, spirituality, education, or personal growth. Core values provide a moral compass, helping you stay true to yourself and your beliefs. They aid in decision-making, ensuring your actions and choices align with your life’s purpose and goals.
Some examples include:
Certainty: Certainty is about having confidence and clarity in your relationship. You should feel sure about your partner’s feelings and commitment to the relationship. If you are uncertain or unclear about where you stand with your partner, it can create anxiety and doubt, which can be detrimental to the health of the relationship.
Clarity: Clarity is about being clear and direct in your communication. You should be able to express your thoughts and feelings in a way that is understood by your partner, and vice versa. Avoidance of issues or being vague can lead to misunderstandings and frustration, so it’s important to be clear with your words and actions.
Commitment: Commitment is about being dedicated and invested in the relationship. It means making an effort to prioritize the relationship and to work through challenges and obstacles that may arise. A lack of commitment can lead to instability and insecurity in the relationship.
Communication: Good communication is crucial for a healthy relationship. It means actively listening to your partner, expressing your own thoughts and feelings, and finding ways to resolve conflicts and solve problems together. Communication helps foster understanding and strengthen emotional bonds.
Compromise: Compromise is a necessary value in any relationship. It means finding common ground, negotiating differences, and making mutual sacrifices for the benefit of the partnership. Compromise helps create a sense of teamwork and collaboration, and fosters feelings of respect and appreciation.
Consistency: Consistency is about being reliable and predictable in your actions and behavior. In a healthy relationship, you want to be able to count on your partner to be there for you when you need them, and for them to follow through on their promises. Consistency helps build trust and stability.
Emotional Safety: Emotional safety is about feeling secure and protected in the relationship. You should feel comfortable expressing yourself and being vulnerable with your partner without fear of being rejected or ridiculed. Emotional safety is necessary for building deep connections and trust in the relationship.
Emotional Security: Emotional security is about feeling confident and assured in your partner’s love and commitment. It means feeling safe and secure in the knowledge that your partner values and cares for you. Emotional security helps create a stable and supportive environment that is essential for the health of the relationship.
Empathy: Empathy is an important value in any healthy relationship. It means being able to understand and share your partner’s feelings and experiences, and to respond with compassion and support. Empathy helps create a sense of connection and intimacy, and fosters feelings of closeness and understanding.
Honesty: Honesty is a cornerstone of healthy relationships. It means being truthful and transparent in all your communications, and being open and upfront about your thoughts, feelings, and actions. Honesty creates trust and builds strong foundations for deeper connections.
Respect: Respect is an essential value in any healthy relationship. It means treating your partner with kindness, consideration, and empathy, and valuing their opinions, beliefs, and feelings. When partners show mutual respect, they are able to create an environment of support and validation.
Responsibility: Responsibility is a crucial value in any healthy relationship. It means taking accountability for your own actions, being reliable and dependable, and being willing to take care of your partner when they need support. Responsibility helps create a sense of stability and security, and fosters feelings of trust and respect.
Trust: Trust is a vital component of any relationship. It means having confidence in your partner, knowing that they will keep their promises and act in your best interest. Trust helps create a sense of security and stability, which is necessary for a healthy relationship.
Take some time alone to think about what you need in a relationship and why these values are important to you. These could range from things like respect, honesty, and loyalty to understanding, communication, and compassion. Once you have identified your core values, take the time to write them down and reflect on what they mean for you personally.
