Mental: Mind games, including gaslighting or making you doubt your own reality.
Sexual: Any unwanted actions that invade your boundaries or personal space.
And here’s where it gets really tricky; some who engage in these behaviors do so covertly and often fly under the radar:
Denial in Order to Maintain Control: They refuse to go to therapy or address the issues in your relationship.
Manipulation: They promise to change but continue to behave the same.
Control: They try to isolate you from friends or family, and control who you see and where you go.
Chaotic Behavior: You’re often researching their behavior online and talking to your friends about it obsessively (meanwhile, a trauma bond is forming).
Gaslighting: Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse in which a person manipulates someone else into questioning their own reality or sanity. This can be done through various tactics, such as denying or trivializing the other person’s experiences, feelings, or perceptions, or by using selective facts or lies to distort the truth.
Now, diving deeper into the psyche, one personality type that might be at the center of such covert emotional abuse is the covert narcissist.
Covert Narcissism
You’d think narcissists would be easy to spot with their obviously arrogant behavior, right? Not the covert ones. They’re sneakier, often appearing shy or playing the victim card. Their main traits are a laser focus on their own needs and a stark lack of empathy. So while they may seem vulnerable or reserved, underneath that facade might be a world of manipulation and self-centeredness. It’s these very individuals, the covert narcissists, who can be master puppeteers in the realm of emotional abuse.
Covert narcissism is a type of narcissism that is characterized by a focus on one’s own emotional needs and a lack of empathy for others. It is often difficult to recognize, as covert narcissists may present themselves as shy, vulnerable, or humble, making it easy for them to fly under the radar and avoid detection.
One of the key characteristics of covert narcissism is a deep-seated sense of insecurity and a need for constant validation. As a result, covert narcissists may rely on others to boost their ego and validate their worth. They may also engage in manipulative or controlling behaviors in order to get their own way or maintain a sense of control.
Despite their need for validation, covert narcissists often struggle with empathy and may have a hard time understanding or caring about the feelings of others. This can make it difficult for them to form close, emotionally intimate relationships, and can leave their partners feeling unvalued and unsupported. Here are some common characteristics and behaviors to look out for:
Temperament: Initially presents with an even temperament and carefully curated image, which later unravels as resentment builds due to internal conflict when they are challenged or rejected.
Curated Image: Chooses partners or friends based on superficial characteristics like age, intelligence, weight, reputation, perceived dominance, inferiority, and/or success.
Passive Aggression: Engages in passive-aggressive behavior, then accuses everyone else of being the problem while denying there’s an issue (because they are the problem).
Low Ego Strength: Sensitive to even the slightest criticism and holds grudges due to fragile ego and low self-esteem.
False Self: Creates fantasies or stories of who they are in order to create a perception of superiority in contrast to their targets.
Self-Victimization: Always the victim, and uses that to garner sympathy. Later, they may use that sympathy to manipulate you.
Unreliable: Exhibits a lack of reliability around the things that don’t benefit them or take attention away from them: known to create drama around holidays/important events, disappears when you’re sick, won’t show up when they say they will (in order to stir conflict and get attention, even if it’s negative).
Engaging in just one of these behaviors doesn’t make someone a covert narcissist. Context and patterns are important. The most common ways that covert narcissists punish their targets include gaslighting, blame shifting, stonewalling, silent treatment, passive aggression, splitting, triangulation, and manipulation.
The problem with this type of person is that they aren’t readily identifiable early on; they’re very invested in presenting themselves as “nice.” However, if you’re paying attention, you’ll start to see the discrepancies between who they say they are and who they truly know themselves to be. For this reason, they also struggle with debilitating anxiety around how they’re perceived and consequentially enmesh themselves with friends, partners, or business associates in order to create an extension of themselves. If they choose a partner who is successful, it means they will be perceived as successful. This is how they build the illusion to their peers or social group.
Covert narcissists typically gravitate toward people with fragile emotional boundaries. Those who run around saying, “They chose me because of my light,” are often painfully incorrect. It’s not merely your kindness or your light that draws them in. Often, it’s an unresolved trauma bond that you unintentionally symbolize for them. Their choice of a partner revolves around what benefits them directly. The crucial thing is discerning whether their actions cultivate a space that lacks safety and clarity.
Avoid trying to armchair-diagnose and focus instead on what makes you want to stay in order to save, change, or fix them.
THE PREMATURE ATTACHMENT RELATIONSHIp
Covert narcissism, with its subtle manipulations and need for validation, is indeed a function of codependency, revealing just how layered and complex our patterns of connection can be. As we delve deeper into this terrain, we uncover another facet of codependency that warrants our attention: premature attachment. This particular pattern, while distinct in its manifestations, shares the same fertile ground of neglecting one’s own needs in favor of external validation—a theme that resonates profoundly with the nature of codependent relationships. By unraveling these threads, we aim to shed light on how these dynamics interact, influence one another, and ultimately shape our journey toward genuine connection and self-awareness.
When we speak of codependency, we are referring to a relational pattern in which one’s sense of worth and well-being is intricately tied to the behavior and state of another. It’s a form of over-investment in another person’s world, often leading to the neglect of one’s own feelings, needs, and overall well-being. In the depths of codependency, it’s not uncommon to see feelings of worthlessness, inadequacy, and low self-esteem taking root as you lose yourself in the quest to please and care for others.
In this intricate dance, the ego often steps in as a form of protection, creating a false sense of security and helping to shield you from further hurt and pain. However, this protective mechanism can also serve to perpetuate the cycle of codependency, as it keeps you locked in patterns of neglecting yourself and seeking validation from others.
Now, let’s go deeper into the concept of premature attachment, a phenomenon that finds its place under the broad umbrella of codependency. Premature attachment speaks to the haste in forming deep connections before a solid foundation of trust and understanding has been established. It’s a rush toward intimacy, fueled by a desire to escape old wounds, feelings of abandonment, and a deep-seated fear of rejection.
This premature leap into connection is intrinsically connected to codependency. It stems from the same root of seeking validation and worth from others, of turning outward for reassurance rather than cultivating it within. In the whirlwind of premature attachment, we often find ourselves neglecting our own needs, bypassing the process of truly getting to know the other person, and diving headlong into a connection that may not serve our well-being.
In practice, these patterns of codependency and premature attachment play out in various ways. Sometimes, we may find ourselves in relationships where our needs are sidelined. Other times, this can look like jumping from one intense connection to another, seeking stability in the arms of others but never quite finding it.
Addressing these patterns requires a gentle unraveling, a turning inward to understand the roots of these behaviors. It means learning to cultivate a sense of worth and stability from within, creating a balance between connection with others and a deep, abiding connection with oneself.
By integrating the concept of codependency into the discussion of premature attachment, we now see the interconnectedness of these patterns, providing a clearer picture of the dynamics at play. It’s an invitation to heal, to transform these patterns of connection, and to create relationships that are rooted in balance, self-respect, and genuine connection.
Here’s what we can do:
Reconnect with Ourselves: This isn’t just about today. It’s about every version of us, especially the younger ones with dreams and scars.
Practice Regular Self-Care: This is about more than spa days. It’s about acknowledging our worth every single day.
Face Our Past: Ignoring old wounds won’t make them disappear. Recognizing them is the first step toward healing.
Be There for Our Inner Child: That younger self, with their dreams, fears, and hopes, needs to know the present you has got their back.
By focusing on these, we set the foundation for healthier, more genuine connections in the future. As we continue our journey through the landscape of survival-based relationships, next up is the realm of obsessive and romanticized relationships.
The Obsessive, Fantasized, Romanticized Relationship
The obsessive, fantasized relationship can be a maze of emotions. We get so entangled in the allure of what could be that we lose sight of what truly is. Those deep dives into daydreams where every interaction gets magnified, every moment replayed with added flair—it’s a testament to our mind’s incredible ability to paint vivid pictures.
But, you know, it’s interesting how our minds work. We meet someone, and before we know it, we’ve crafted this detailed story about who they are, based on tidbits of information and our own hopes. When the real person doesn’t align with that carefully constructed narrative, it feels off-putting. It’s almost as if they didn’t stick to the script we wrote for them. But here’s the thing: often, this internal script-writing says more about our own perceptions and desires than about the true essence of the other person.
When this happens, it’s indicative of a deeper pattern: you might be more committed to the stories in your mind than to the tangible reality you’re experiencing. If you’ve faced relational trauma, there’s a tendency to detach from personal emotional needs and use fantasies as a coping mechanism. Picture it like this: amid past pain or challenges, you might have dreamed of a knight in shining armor or another protective figure. Now, in present relationships, you’re superimposing those age-old fantasies onto your current partner.
The curious and often challenging part is how our unconscious mind operates. It’s always working, always processing, and here’s the kicker: it’s always trying to heal you. Your unconscious mind attempts to create scenarios or attractions to individuals that remind you of your past traumas. It’s as if it’s nudging you and saying, “Hey, remember this unresolved issue? Let’s face it now.” The aim is wholeness, completeness. It wants to close those old chapters by bringing them to the forefront, urging you to confront and heal.
But there’s a catch. If you don’t recognize this unconscious instinct, you can get stuck in a loop, repeating history with various partners. When you’re operating from this disconnected space, the pain multiplies. My client Kathy knew this disappointment all too well.
I arrived at my office early to prepare for my first client of the day. The sun was shining through the window, casting a warm glow on my desk. I took a deep breath and centered myself, ready to help my client navigate their inner world.
As the clock struck 9 A.M., my client, Kathy, walked into the room. She had a nervous energy about her, fidgeting with her hands and avoiding eye contact.
“Good morning, Kathy. How are you feeling today?” I asked.
“I’m feeling okay, I guess,” she replied, still looking away.
