Emotional Role-Play: During an emotional role-play, Morgan’s reactions felt eerily similar to her childhood—those days when she tiptoed around her parents, trying to gauge their moods. She saw that her push-pull actions with partners weren’t just random; they were a replay of her early attempts to control an unpredictable home environment.
Reframing Her Past: Morgan began to view her past through a more understanding and compassionate lens. When she reflected on a particularly difficult breakup, memories of her childhood resurfaced—times when she had to summon inner strength. Gradually, a pattern became evident: her tendency to dive into passionate relationships was her way of re-creating the tumultuous emotions she experienced growing up.
Through these examples and many sessions together, Morgan began to grasp how her past traumas and coping mechanisms had shaped her current behavior. It was a challenging journey, but with each session, she took a step closer to breaking her patterns and embracing a healthier approach to relationships.
Morgan gradually learned to become more present and accept her emotions without judgment. She learned to set boundaries and communicate her needs with her partners. Over time, Morgan started to let go of her old patterns and embrace healthier ways of coping. She learned to love and accept herself, and in turn, she started choosing healthier relationships. Morgan’s journey was beautiful to witness. She learned to live in the middle ground, away from the extremes of emotional volatility and avoidance. That, my dears, is what true healing is all about.
During our sessions, Morgan and I comfortably settled into sharing and exploring her roller-coaster relationships. With a soft sigh and a distant gaze, she explained, “There’s this rush of excitement and passion that just … makes me feel so alive, you know?”
Digging a bit deeper into the rough patches of these relationships, Morgan hesitated before sharing, “It gets tough. The fear of losing someone, the anxiety … I just react, sometimes impulsively.”
As the memories of her past began to flow, Morgan opened up about her unpredictable mother, drawing an unintended parallel between the inconsistent love in her childhood and her patterns in adult relationships.
Gently reflecting on her past, Morgan’s voice quivered. “I’ve always looked for that intensity, that chaos in relationships. Maybe it’s my way of filling that childhood void. But deep down, what I’ve been longing for is stability, consistency, and genuine emotional connection.”
Morgan’s story resonated with a pattern I’d seen before. It was as if she’d been on autopilot, drawn subconsciously to the familiarity of her tumultuous past. This survival instinct, a deeply ingrained mechanism to seek out immediate emotional safety, had Morgan mistaking fleeting moments of attention for genuine, lasting connection. There was this pattern, almost an addiction to the ebb and flow of her relationships. It provided a temporary high, a short-lived escape from deeper, lingering issues. This cycle, although comforting in its familiarity, was inadvertently toxic.
The challenge—and beauty—of therapy lies in gently guiding clients like Morgan to see these patterns. It’s not always clear cut, and that’s okay. Many of us are in this unintentional “survival mode,” just getting by. But living on the edge and constantly reacting can sometimes lead us astray. Recognizing this and understanding it can be the first step toward healing and genuine connection.
My goal is to help my clients see this and begin to develop a greater sense of self-awareness and emotional regulation as they heal. Sarah learned to recognize when she was falling back into old patterns, and therefore make different choices based on what she truly needed and wanted.
By learning to live more authentically and prioritizing our own needs and desires, we can break free from the cycle of dysfunction in relationships. By moving out of survival mode and into a space of self-regulation and healing, we begin to attract partners who are able to meet our needs and create healthy, fulfilling connections. This is what makes the healing journey about returning home to ourselves. Maybe we can’t solve our problems overnight, but we can engage in activities that allow us to be mindful of what’s happening in our heart, mind, and body.
But there’s one thing that often prevents us from leaving this behind: toxic shame.
WHAT IS TOXIC SHAME?
Toxic shame, at its heart, is that lingering feeling that, deep down, there’s something fundamentally wrong with us, even if there’s no clear reason to feel that way. It’s like an internal voice that whispers, “You’re not good enough,” or “You’re unlovable,” regardless of what the world outside tells us. It’s not about the mistakes we make or the times we stumble; it’s more about an ingrained belief that our very essence is flawed. It’s important to remember, though, that while these feelings might be deeply rooted, they don’t define our worth or potential. Recognizing them is the first step toward healing and self-love.
For the survivors of relational trauma, all of this feels very real, even if it isn’t. Consequently, our core task when healing after relational trauma is to heal the shame that sits silently at our core, fueling a life grounded in survival mode.
To fully identify and stamp out this dangerous internal talk, we need to understand the difference between healthy shame and toxic shame.
Healthy Shame: Think of healthy shame as a gentle internal reminder that we’re human and imperfect. It nudges us, saying, “Hey, maybe that wasn’t the best choice,” and it encourages us to recognize our boundaries and limitations. Healthy shame can serve as a form of protection, ensuring that we don’t overstep or harm ourselves and others. It’s a way for our conscience to guide us in our relationships and actions, promoting personal growth.
Toxic Shame: On the other hand, toxic shame feels heavier and all-consuming. It’s not just about our actions, but it takes a toll on our very identity. Instead of saying, “I made a mistake,” it whispers, “I am a mistake.” It’s the pervasive feeling that we are fundamentally flawed or unlovable, often stemming from past traumas or deeply ingrained beliefs. Over time, this can hinder our self-worth, relationships, and overall well-being.
Keeping all of this in mind, it’s common for us to confuse feelings of shame with those of guilt. Consider this scenario in the context of a toxic or codependent relationship: Imagine you forget your partner’s birthday. If you’re feeling guilt, you recognize the action—forgetting the date—as the issue. You might think, “I made a mistake and need to apologize.” But if you’re feeling shame, it’s more like thinking, “I’m a terrible partner and person because I forgot.”
By understanding this difference, you can pinpoint that what you’re really feeling is guilt about an oversight, rather than internalize it as a reflection of your self-worth. This recognition can be pivotal. It allows you to address behaviors, like forgetting important dates, without spiraling into self-deprecation. And in the context of healing from codependency, it promotes self-compassion and accountability, rather than getting trapped in a cycle of self-blame.
Shame is more about self-evaluation, and it’s internalized. It’s the feeling that there’s something wrong with us as a person. Phrases like “I am bad” or “I am unworthy” are rooted in shame. While shame can sometimes serve as a social regulator, when it becomes overwhelming, it’s challenging to address the root cause and move forward.
Guilt, conversely, is about our actions. It’s the recognition that we might have done something wrong. If shame says, “I am bad,” guilt says, “I did something bad.” It’s a natural feeling that arises when we think we’ve caused harm or broken a personal or societal rule. Guilt can be constructive, pushing us to make amends, apologize, or change our behavior.
In essence, while these emotions might be uncomfortable, they offer valuable insights into our inner world. Recognizing the differences between them allows us to address our feelings more effectively, cultivating understanding and self-compassion.
HOW TOXIC SHAME FUELS SURVIVAL MODe
To truly understand the nuances of survival mode, it’s imperative to explore its deep-seated connection with toxic shame. At its core, survival mode is our body’s primal response to danger; it’s about keeping us safe in the face of threats. But when we marinate in feelings of toxic shame, we’re constantly on alert, perceiving threats even in everyday situations.
Why? Because toxic shame convinces us of our inherent unworthiness, making us hypersensitive to judgment or criticism, and triggering that fight-or-flight response. When we operate from this heightened state, we’re more likely to see ourselves through a distorted lens, one tainted by that ingrained feeling of being “not good enough.” To step out of survival mode, it’s essential to shed the heavy cloak of toxic shame. By understanding and healing the sources of this shame, we give ourselves a chance to live fully, beyond mere survival.
Here are a few examples of sources of toxic shame that fuel survival mode:
Trauma or Abuse: Experiences like sexual abuse or assault, whether in childhood or adulthood, can implant profound feelings of toxic shame. This can sometimes cause a painful repetition of past violations, each repetition further embedding that shame.
Shaming in Childhood: During formative years, many children encounter shaming, often from well-meaning parents or caregivers trying to mold their behavior. Comments like “Little boys don’t cry!” or “You’re making Mommy sad!” might unintentionally warp a child’s self-perception, affecting how they relate to others and themselves.
Relational Trauma: Emotional and verbal abuse within relationships can instill a sense of shame, especially when partners belittle basic emotional needs or deny one’s experiences.
Unresolved Core Wounding: Sometimes, we carry shame from sources we can’t even pinpoint. These hidden wounds can deeply impact our self-view and reactions.
Society and Culture: Society and culture are like silent narrators, gently weaving stories about who we should be and how we should act. These narratives don’t just set guidelines; they paint vivid pictures of our self-worth, belonging, and place in the world.
Race: Our world, rich in diverse cultures and histories, unfortunately still carries lingering racial stereotypes and biases. These can sometimes cause people from certain racial backgrounds to feel like they’re in the shadows, overlooked or misunderstood because of their skin color. Such feelings can be deeply internalized, leading to a quiet, painful sense of shame.
Gender: Over time, societies have crafted specific roles for men and women. While many of these roles have their roots in care and tradition, they can also limit self-expression. When someone doesn’t align perfectly with these expectations, they might feel a gentle tug of being “different” or “not fitting in.”
Sexual Orientation: Love, in all its forms, is beautiful. Yet, some societies still have a narrow lens through which they view love and relationships. For those whose hearts beat differently, there can be an unspoken burden, a silent weight of feeling “othered” merely for seeking genuine connection.
Class: Economic backgrounds tell stories of struggles, triumphs, privileges, and challenges. Often, people from varying economic statuses feel the subtle gaze of society, measuring our worth in material terms. Whether you come from a place of plenty or a place of want, societal perceptions can sometimes cause us to question our worth and place.
Religious Expectations: Faith and religious institutions can have stringent expectations around obedience. When these aren’t met or specific rules are breached, we might grapple with intense feelings of shame.
Toxic shame blends into our survival instincts, influencing our choices, especially in love and relationships. It can stem from past experiences or even societal norms. But there’s hope—acknowledging the roots of toxic shame can pave the way for deeper understanding and healing. As we move forward, we’ll delve into how this plays out in our dating lives.
TOXIC SHAME IN OUR DATING LIVEs
