“Is there something specific you’d like to talk about today?” I prodded gently. Kathy took a deep breath and began to open up about her new love interest.

She described how they had met and how she felt an instant connection. She talked about how she couldn’t stop thinking about them. Even though they had only been on a few dates, she had already started to plan out their future together.

“I just feel like they’re the one for me,” she said with a dreamy look in her eyes.

I listened intently as she continued to describe her infatuation. It was clear that she was completely smitten and had romanticized this person to the point where she didn’t really know who they were.

“Kathy, it sounds like you’re really caught up in the fantasy of this person and the future you’ve created in your mind,” I said gently. “But have you taken the time to really get to know them and understand who they are as a person?”

Kathy’s face sank. “No, I haven’t. I guess I’ve just been so caught up in my own head that I haven’t really paid attention to who they actually are.”

I could see the disappointment and sadness in her eyes. “It’s okay, Kathy. This is a common pattern when we become infatuated with someone. We create an idealized version of them in our minds and don’t always see them for who they truly are.”

As we continued to talk about her feelings, I helped Kathy realize that it was important to slow down and take the time to really get to know this person before making any big decisions about the future. I also encouraged her to explore her own inner world and work on building her self-esteem and self-worth, so that she didn’t feel the need to rely on someone else to complete her. The path forward is reconnection with the self. It’s about tuning into the genuine needs and core values we touched on in Part 1: consistency, certainty, clarity, commitment, communication, safety, and security.

By recognizing and prioritizing these needs, Kathy could ground herself in reality. This provides a foundation to choose partners who genuinely cater to these aspects, rather than getting lost in a mirage of fantasies. And ultimately, it paves the way for healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

Over the next few weeks, Kathy began to shift her focus from her love interest to her own personal growth. She started working on building her self-esteem through journaling and self-care practices. She also took the time to get to know her love interest on a deeper level and realized that they were not the perfect person she had imagined them to be, but that was okay. She was learning to love and accept them for who they truly were.

In the end, Kathy found a sense of peace and contentment within herself. She no longer felt the need to obsess over her love interest or plan out their future together. Instead, she was focused on living in the present moment and enjoying the journey, wherever it might lead.

The Fixer Relationship

In fixer relationships, we often become captivated by someone’s “potential,” almost like we’ve found a personal DIY project. But potential shouldn’t be the only metric for choosing a partner. In fact, focusing solely on potential can make us overlook the true essence of a person. It’s like we become entranced by the blueprint without acknowledging that the foundation might be shaky. The other person paints a picture of commitment using only the colors of potential, leaving us hoping for more, yet often receiving less.

For instance, they talk about their dream job but rarely make an effort to apply. And rather than standing back, you find yourself sending out applications on their behalf. They give mixed signals about wanting a relationship while doing all the couple-y things with you. All the while, you’re weaving tales of a future where they finally, wholeheartedly, choose you. Sound familiar?

This tendency to be attracted to “potential” often stems from a lack of self-worth. It’s almost as if by helping someone reach their potential, we validate our own worthiness. Consider this: Can a relationship truly flourish if you view your partner as someone to be “fixed” rather than as an equal? For genuine connections, both partners need to be on equal footing. It’s essential to be with someone for who they are now, not just for who they might become.

Now, this isn’t to say we should only date those who’ve “made it.” Everyone is on their own journey. But it’s vital that we choose a partner who is actively moving, growing, and striving toward their goals.

At the heart of every “fixer” lies a deep-seated belief: “If I can just make them better, it means I’m worthy.” This belief often isn’t about the person they’re trying to “fix” at all, but a reflection of their own feelings of inadequacy. An inclination to control or “fix” someone frequently stems from our own self-abandonment, prioritizing another’s emotional needs over ours, often to our own detriment. It’s a safety net: by choosing partners we feel we can guide or change, we shield ourselves from vulnerability. When love has always felt like a transaction—a constant giving without reciprocation—the idea of an equal partnership can be genuinely foreign and even unsettling.

But remember, perpetual mothering and micromanaging can erode genuine intimacy. In doing so, you might be inadvertently setting yourself up as a caregiver, rather than as an equal partner.

Think of Sarah. Sarah spent her childhood playing peacekeeper between her constantly bickering parents. She became the glue trying to hold everything together, believing that if she just tried hard enough, she could make everything right. As she grew older, this became her relationship blueprint. She met Alex, a talented musician who often spoke of big dreams but rarely took actionable steps toward them. Sarah stepped in, believing that with her guidance and support, he would soar. But over time, it became clear: she was pouring her energy into a void, hoping that if she could “fix” Alex, it would validate her worth.

Through introspection and therapy, Sarah came to a revelation. Her compulsion to “fix” was less about Alex and more about healing the little girl inside her, the one who thought she wasn’t enough unless she was mending something broken. Embracing this truth allowed Sarah to seek relationships with partners who celebrated her for who she was, not just what she could do for them.

For all the “fixers” out there, understand this: your worth is not contingent on your ability to repair someone else. You deserve love that sees and values you without conditions or expectations. A partnership should be a dance of two whole people, not a project. Recognize your patterns, honor your feelings, and give yourself the love you’ve so freely given to others. Your heart, after all, deserves its own kind of “fixing”—one that leads to true fulfillment and peace.

The Trauma-Bonded Relationship

Trauma bonding is more than a tangled relationship dynamic; it’s a reflection of wounds that often date back to childhood. Imagine being pulled into a love that promises warmth, only to be met with coldness soon after. The roller coaster of highs and lows becomes your definition of love, but it’s far from healthy.

Childhood forms the bedrock of our emotional world. When that foundation is marked with abuse or neglect, it fractures our perception of love. As children, we seek understanding in chaos. Faced with hurt from those meant to care for us, we often wrongly conclude, “It’s my fault.” This misbelief tragically intertwines love with pain.

Flash forward to adulthood, and the scars remain, often unnoticed on the outside. Those early emotional wounds now play out in our relationships. The toxic shame and emotional wounds from our past don’t just linger; they mold our choices, steering us toward similar pain.

When adults with these wounds seek love, they unknowingly step into familiar territories of rejection and hurt. They might believe they’re simply “loving deeply,” but this intensity is an echo of past traumas. Chasing someone who continuously rejects you isn’t passion; it’s an old wound screaming for attention.

That inner critic whispering, “You’re not good enough,” is an echo of the past, likely shaped by caregivers who were overly critical or absent. In these entangled relationships, moments of kindness from the abuser become like a balm, momentarily soothing the hurt. But with each cycle, the pain digs deeper, strengthening the bond of trauma.

The Love-Addicted Relationship

Let’s unpack the cycle that ensnares us in the same types of toxic relationships time and again. Each time the initial thrill with a new partner starts to wane, there’s an inner impulse driving you toward drama. This isn’t merely about craving chaos; it’s about chasing the intoxicating “high” that marked the early days of the relationship. The result? An emotional roller coaster where you’re constantly yearning for the peaks, even if they’re interspersed with harrowing lows.

The science behind this is intriguing. Being drawn to challenging partners leads to spikes in hormones like adrenaline and norepinephrine. When combined with the body’s natural opiates, it results in that overwhelming feeling of infatuation. In simple terms, the more challenging the partner, the more intense the emotional response.

The human brain seeks comfort in what’s familiar. If the familiarity you’ve known is chaos and volatility, then that becomes your brain’s comfort zone. It’s a tough cycle to break, especially when every cell in your body is wired for attachment, even if that attachment is to unpredictability.

THE PITFALLS OF OVER-PRIORITIZING EARLY SEXUAL CHEMISTRy

Sex can mean many things to us as adults, but one of its most powerful functions is the ability to connect us with the feelings we yearned for as children. This is particularly true for those of us who experienced emotional neglect in our upbringing.

For many of us, our parents were focused on survival, providing the basics like food, shelter, and clothing. While they did the best they could with the resources they had, it often meant that our emotional needs went unmet.

As a result, we learned to bury these feelings. Some of us channeled them into academic or professional success as a way to feel seen and validated. Others may have turned to relationships, searching for the love and validation they missed in childhood. What both groups have in common is the deep need for connection and a tendency to act on early sexual chemistry as a way to secure it.

We may tell ourselves that we need to “test the chemistry” before anything else, but what we’re really saying is that we’d rather bypass the usual process of building a connection because we are disconnected from our own emotional needs.

To allow people to get to know who we really are, we have to be vulnerable. If we experienced emotional neglect as children, we may have learned to disconnect from our emotions. This emotional unavailability can lead us to try to meet our desire for affection and attention by seeking out and acting on sexual chemistry. We bypass the time it takes to get to know someone in an attempt to avoid vulnerability, and we settle for sex. The problem is, we seek it from people who mirror the emotionally neglectful dynamics from earlier in our lives.

Repetition compulsion drives this pattern of behavior as we try to unconsciously re-create our unresolved emotional experiences from childhood as adults. However, this often results in a growing attachment hunger, because we don’t know how to cultivate true connection. After all, we weren’t taught how to do so by our parents, who were themselves focused on survival.

As a result, we may continue this pattern in our adult lives, entering into transactional relationships based on sex or money.

Physical attraction alone doesn’t sustain a relationship. While passion ignites the initial flame, it’s intimacy that kindles it, and deep connection that maintains its glow. Nurturing this passion requires mutual vulnerability, empathy, and the courage to engage in difficult conversations about our roles in the relationship.

After that initial spark and whirlwind romance, we all quickly realize that there’s so much more to a lasting relationship. Sure, that electric charge is exciting, but it’s the deeper intimacy and connection that make a relationship really glow. And here’s the thing: our past, especially the parts that might be tinged with childhood neglect, can play a sneaky role in how we build relationships with others now.

Imagine our childhood coping behaviors as old, worn-out tools in a toolbox. Once upon a time, they were super helpful, maybe even life-saving. But in our adult world, especially in our relationships, they might not be the right tools for the job anymore. Healing is kind of like updating that toolbox, getting rid of the tools we don’t need, and adding in some shiny new ones that serve us better.

It’s all about understanding our emotional history, seeing its influence, and then deciding to grow from there. And that growth? It’s wrapped up in patience, self-compassion, and an unwavering commitment to being our best selves. So, as we journey on, let’s aim to nurture our relationships with that same compassion and insight, building connections that are not just passionate, but also deep and truly fulfilling.

My client Tina was a great example of this. Tina, a striking woman, came into my office in a flurry of emotions. On the surface, her confidence was unmistakable, turning heads as she entered. But once she sat down, she seemed to shed that external armor, her words stumbling out between sobs. Tina was in a rough spot, facing criminal charges after a confrontation with her boyfriend. The ups and downs of their relationship were punctuated by intense physical intimacy, which Tina saw as her only way of truly connecting with him.

To understand Tina’s present, we had to explore her past. Growing up, Tina’s parents were all about achievements. Emotional validation? Not so much. They were too caught up in their own grind, leaving Tina feeling unseen and unheard. When disagreements erupted between her parents, Tina would often side with her father, resulting in icy silences from her mother that could last for months. This early environment lacked the kind of parental mirroring and emotional attunement crucial for a child’s emotional development.

Tina’s past became a prologue in her relationships. She sought out partners reminiscent of the emotional void she felt in childhood, like her current boyfriend. He lacked the ability to validate her emotions, yet she worked tirelessly to win his affection, much like how she had tried to gain her mother’s attention during the silent treatments. And, ironically, when Tina encountered people who offered emotional security and validation, she found them boring.

Tina’s story is a vivid example of how unresolved childhood issues can manifest in our adult relationships. Her deep-seated feelings of abandonment, rejection, and inadequacy compelled her to seek partners that felt familiar but were ultimately harmful. Our mind often seeks what it knows, even if that’s not what’s best for us.

There’s an essential lesson in Tina’s tumultuous story: recognizing and challenging the dysfunctional patterns we’ve grown accustomed to is the first step toward healing.

For Tina, our sessions together revolved around developing this awareness. We delved into her childhood, shedding light on the root causes of her relationship choices. Together, we discussed actionable steps she could take to disrupt these patterns:

Self-Awareness: Before making decisions, especially in relationships, take a step back and assess whether the choice is based on old patterns or genuine compatibility.