STEP 4

Journal about what comes up for you as well as the automatic negative thoughts that fuel the shame for you.

STEP 5

Self-soothe as you take the time to focus on this area of your life. You’ll have unexpected feelings that come up and it’s best to sit with these, breathing through them while recognizing they will and allowing them to pass.

STEP 6

When you feel safe, make a list of the necessary changes you need to make.

REFLECTIONS

What is an earlier event in life that fuels toxic shame for you?

In what ways does this memory influence the relationship you have with yourself?

What negative thoughts come up when you make a mistake, a relationship fails, or you feel abandoned/rejected?

Lurking negative core wounds and beliefs can show up in the following ways:

People Pleasing: Consider the shame you feel when you want to stand up for your needs but back down. Pay attention to the emotions that come up in that moment between the event or request and your response. Is it possible that toxic shame determines whether you’ll acquiesce or speak up?

Situationships: In thinking about regrettable relationships, what decisions were driven by the shame you felt that compelled you to move forward against your own boundaries, standards, and deal breakers? If you never wanted to be in that situationship, consider the following to help you understand why you may have accepted it or stayed:

Seeking Validation: We enter or remain in situationships due to a desire for validation and acceptance, even if the relationship isn’t fulfilling our needs. The ambiguity of the situationship can create a space where we are constantly seeking reassurance and proof of our worth from the other person.

Negative Core Wounds: This need for validation can be traced back to negative core wounds that have left us feeling unworthy or not good enough. The situationship becomes a ground for replaying these old patterns, as we look to others to fill the void left by unhealed wounds.

Fear of Abandonment: The lack of clarity and commitment in a situationship can trigger intense fears of abandonment, as we’re left uncertain about where we stand in the relationship.

Negative Core Wounds: These fears often stem from early experiences of abandonment or instability, leading to a deep-seated belief that we’re not worth committing to or staying for. The situationship perpetuates this fear, as the lack of commitment mirrors these old beliefs.

Tolerance of Ambiguity and Disrespect: In situationships, we may tolerate ambiguity, inconsistency, and even disrespect, often rationalizing the behavior or making excuses for the other person.

Negative Core Wounds: This tolerance can be linked to negative core wounds that taught us to accept less than we deserve, reinforcing feelings around unworthiness and inadequacy.

Difficulty in Setting Boundaries: The undefined nature of situationships can make it challenging to set and maintain clear boundaries.

Negative Core Wounds: This difficulty may be rooted in negative core wounds related to neglect or disrespect of our needs and boundaries in early life, leading to patterns around not being able to stand up for ourselves because we haven’t owned our self-worth.

Impact on Self-Esteem: Prolonged involvement in a situationship can take a toll on our self-esteem, as the lack of commitment and clarity can leave us questioning our worth and desirability.

Negative Core Wounds: This impact on self-esteem echoes the negative core wounds, further ingraining beliefs that we’re not enough or aren’t worthy of a committed, respectful relationship.

Obsessive Thoughts: Obsessive thoughts in this context are largely about avoidance. Instead of facing the problem head-on, we loop around how to fix the situation, thinking about “woulda, shoulda, coulda,” and fantasizing and romanticizing in an effort to overwrite reality—all in an effort to avoid the emotional pain that toxic shame creates.

Part III THRIVING

10 Moving from Red Flags to Green Flags

As we gear up to embark on Part 3 of our journey together, let’s take a moment to reflect on the ground we’ve covered and set the stage for the exciting explorations ahead.

In Part 1, “Healing,” we delved deep into the transformative process of healing. We navigated the intricacies around deciding to heal, committing to the journey, and making a bold declaration to change. We embraced the solitude of hermit mode, unpacked the Pandora’s box of our past, and started the inner work necessary to grow. We also learned the importance of setting boundaries, standards, and deal breakers, and explored the various signs that point toward healing. Throughout, we focused on both internal and external aspects of healing, aiming to strike a balance that promotes genuine and lasting change.

In Part 2, “Unlocking the Pattern,” we continued our exploration by examining the role of ego defense mechanisms, the unconscious mind, and the sources of toxic shame that play a critical role in our lives. We connected the dots between attachment styles, trauma responses, and the patterns of abuse that can emerge in relationships, shedding light on covertly abusive behaviors and the nuances of covert narcissism. We also tackled the complexities of premature attachment, fixer relationships, and trauma bonding, offering reflections on how lurking negative core wounds can manifest in our lives and relationships.

Now, as we stand on the cusp of Part 3, “Thriving,” we are ready to take all that we have learned and apply it to forging a life filled with growth, resilience, and conscious love. We will delve into the differences between fixed and growth mindsets, unravel the power of resilience, and learn how to navigate emotional turbulence with grace. We will embrace vulnerability as a strength, explore the three pillars of conscious love, and understand what it truly means to be reborn into the best version of ourselves.

Part 3 is about more than just surviving; it’s about thriving. It’s about channeling the lessons from our past and the strength from our healing journey into a life that is rich, full, and utterly filled with the kind of love we’ve always needed from ourselves and others. Let’s dive in, with hearts open and minds ready, to discover what it means to truly thrive.

It’s important to remember that just like anything else worth having in life, achieving a successful conscious love relationship requires work from both parties involved. It takes effort—from being vulnerable with one another to actively practicing the skills necessary for cultivating mutual respect—to make sure that your relationship can continue growing stronger over time. It’s essential to be patient with yourself (as well as your partner) during the process. After all, no two people have the same experiences or perspectives on life. We all mess up, but there are some crucial green flags to look for that help indicate someone is willing to put in the time and effort conscious love takes.

If you’re looking for a relationship that is fulfilling and empowering, these green flags can help guide you to a conscious love relationship where you both can be your true selves, feel safe, and grow together. These green flags are also elements we should strive to embody ourselves.

Green flags don’t mean your relationship will be perfect, but they can lead you to a more stable and fulfilling future with your partner. They signify a safe place to work through the issues that will naturally arise along the way. You’ll have the tools to work through conflict instead of resorting to harmful behaviors that seek to control rather than resolve. Green flags give you the information you need about what might stand between you and feeling worthy of having a healthy and safe relationship.

For example, if trust, honesty, and open communication are important to us, then we should embody these qualities in our own behavior. This means being transparent, speaking our truth, and holding ourselves accountable for our actions. When we embody these green flags, our partners are more likely to respond in kind and treat us with the same respect and honesty we show them.

In the context of healing after toxic dynamics, the following green flags can be especially meaningful as they serve as markers of growth and progress:

Honest and Respectful Communication: Partners feel comfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment or backlash. For example, having difficult conversations without invalidating each other’s feelings.

Healthy Boundaries: Partners respect each other’s boundaries without requiring self-abandonment. Partners who respect each other’s boundaries and have open communication about their individual needs are likely to have a healthier and happier relationship.

Emotional Safety: Partners feel safe and secure in expressing their emotions, and are able to handle disagreements and conflicts in a respectful and non-toxic manner. Both parties also regulate their emotions and self-soothe to allow for clear communication without volatile or harmful behavior.

Mutual Respect: Partners view each other as equals and are committed to treating each other with dignity and kindness.

Prioritizing Emotional Growth: Partners are committed to self-improvement and supporting each other in their personal growth journeys. They acknowledge that their partner isn’t supposed to meet all of their needs in the way that a parent meets the needs of a child.

Normalizing Disappointment: Partners recognize that disappointment is normal, while also guarding against resentment.

Collaborative Problem Solving: Partners work together to find solutions to challenges, rather than blaming or attacking each other.

Emotional Intimacy: Partners are able to connect on a deep, emotional level and feel comfortable being vulnerable with each other. Partners who are emotionally intimate can communicate their needs and feelings effectively, are comfortable sharing vulnerable parts of themselves with their partner, and make an effort to understand their partner’s emotional needs.

Introspection: Partners are introspective about their own childhood and how it impacts their relationships today.

Flexibility and Adaptability: Partners are able to adapt and grow, while also maintaining the health and stability of their relationship.

Shared Values and Goals: Partners have similar life perspectives and aspirations that align with each other’s vision for their future.

Trust and Dependability: Partners trust each other and feel confident in their ability to rely on each other in times of need.

Fun and Playfulness: Partners prioritize having fun and enjoying each other’s company, even in the midst of challenging situations.

Respect for You as an Individual and Partner: Partners respect the time each other spends with friends and family members, or pursuing hobbies and passion projects. They value one another’s happiness outside of the relationship.