One area we delved deeply into was recognizing and managing triggers. Every person has a “jump-off” point—a physiological sign that indicates they’re about to be overwhelmed or triggered. For some, it might be clammy hands, for others a tight chest or a peculiar numbness in the head.
Identifying this “jump-off” point became Ava’s first line of defense. By becoming hyperaware of her body’s cues, she could gauge when she was entering triggered territory, enabling her to take proactive steps to calm down.
Once she had identified her “jump-off” point, we then explored a step-by-step approach to self-soothing:
Physical Grounding: Try stamping your feet on the ground, clenching and unclenching fists, or holding on to a piece of furniture. This helps reconnect with the present and diverts the mind momentarily.
Short Burst Activities: Engage in activities like jumping jacks or a brisk walk. Physical movement can release some of that pent-up energy, facilitating a transition into a calmer state.
Transition to Deep Breathing: Once you’re slightly calmer, deep breathing comes into play. Start with shallow breaths, gradually deepening them. Visualize inhaling serenity and exhaling tension.
Positive Affirmations: As Ava found her rhythm in calming down, positive affirmations became a powerful tool. Phrases like “I am calm and in control” proved invaluable once the initial intensity had subsided.
A few days after our detailed exploration of these techniques, Ava walked into our session radiating a newfound energy. With evident pride, she recounted a recent encounter with her partner. She had not only managed to articulate her feelings but did so without resorting to defensiveness or aggression. The techniques we discussed had made a palpable difference, and she was visibly proud of her strides.
While there was still work to be done, Ava was making progress. Together, we continued to explore the root causes of her attachment style and trauma response, and worked on building healthier patterns in her relationships.
The Fawn-Anxious Archetype
This is a hybrid of the fawn trauma response and anxious attachment. You tend to alternate between conflict and caretaking, people-pleasing, or fawning around your partner to keep the peace or reconcile after conflict.
This type vacillates between intense conflict and caretaking or people-pleasing while also maintaining covert control of their partner and the relationship.
This type may use caretaking in a covertly coercive and manipulative way that feels insincere to their partner. This can look like love-bombing after a conflict to smooth things over and shove their issues under the rug. As the child of a high conflict, emotionally abusive, or neglectful parent, this type learned to acquiesce to another’s needs in order to avoid conflict and keep the peace.
However, the preoccupation with the relationship can create the very conflict they’re also trying to avoid. They may sometimes do this via long monologues amid conflict, intense phone or text contact, or long, drawn-out arguments to emotionally beat their partners into submission. When making attempts to reconcile, they will self-abandon to keep the peace, often to the extreme of resentful servitude which eventually erupts into another volatile conflict down the road.
This type may also play the role of both victim and abuser while using conflict to create and feel connection. For example, they may start an argument to test the waters, seeing whether their partner will leave. If the partner doesn’t leave, they’ve successfully tested their limits. If they do leave, this sets the stage for more conflict as they work (read: fawn) to get their partner to reconcile.
While in the fawn (people-pleasing) space, this type is often exploited due to playing the “nice” role, which ultimately results in declarations of being a victim in the relationship. And while this is often true, in their determination to take back control they switch to the role of abuser in order to maintain control.
At the core of anxious attachment is the belief that one is unworthy of love and connection. As a result, those with anxious attachment often seek constant reassurance and validation from their partners, and may become overly dependent on them for emotional support. This can lead to high levels of conflict and reactivity, becoming jealous, possessive, and prone to seeking attention and approval from their partners. In an effort to keep the relationship from being derailed due to what can feel like an unconscious, insatiable need for conflict, the fawn response takes over.
The fawn trauma response is a pattern that involves suppressing one’s own needs and desires in order to placate or appease others. It is often triggered by experiences of abuse, trauma, or other forms of adversity, and is characterized by a lack of assertiveness and a tendency to “go along” with others in order to avoid conflict or maintain relationships.
The combination of these two attachment styles can be particularly challenging. You might oscillate between feelings of anxiety and a desire to please or appease your partner in order to maintain the relationship. This can lead to a cycle of conflict and caretaking, as you may feel constantly torn between your own needs and desires and the needs of your partner.
Despite these challenges, it is important to remember that everyone has the capacity to change and grow. With the right support and guidance, those with the fawn-anxious archetype can learn to regulate their emotions and build healthier, more fulfilling relationships. This may involve seeking attachment-focused psychotherapy, learning new coping strategies, or working to develop a greater sense of self-worth and self-acceptance.
In the cozy corner of my office, surrounded by sunlit plants and the gentle hum of the outside world, I leaned back, thinking about Clara’s journey, a prime example of the fawn-anxious dance.
“Okay, so, Clara,” I started, chuckling a bit and using my hands to gesture as if I was choreographing a dance. “Imagine your emotional life is like this … a bit of a salsa dance.”
She raised an eyebrow, a hint of a smile playing on her lips. “A salsa? Really?”
I nodded enthusiastically. “Yep! On one end, you’ve got this ‘fawn’ move. It’s all about stepping in, getting close, making sure everything’s good, smoothing things out, and taking care of everyone. But then”—I clapped my hands for emphasis—“there’s the ‘anxious’ step. You pull away on your tiptoes, always looking over your shoulder, waiting for the other shoe to drop.”
She laughed. “That’s … oddly accurate. One moment I’m playing the peacemaker, and the next, I’m like a cat on a hot tin roof.”
“Exactly!” I grinned. “You’ve been doing this dance for so long that it’s become second nature. But sometimes, it feels like you’re dancing to two different songs at once, right?”
She sighed. “It’s like I’ve got two left feet. I want to find my groove without constantly tripping over myself.”
I leaned forward, getting more animated. “And you will! Now that we’ve named the dance, we can change the steps, remix the song. It’s all about finding a rhythm that makes you feel good and helps you connect better with others.”
She seemed more hopeful. “So, new dance moves?”
“Absolutely.” I winked. “And trust me, you’ve got the moves. We just need to tweak the routine a bit.”
This fawn-anxious thing might sound like a mouthful, but as with Clara, once you spot the patterns and recognize the dance, it becomes a lot easier to find your own rhythm and build stronger, healthier connections.
The Fawn-Avoidant Archetype
This is a hybrid of the fawn trauma response and avoidant attachment characterized by conflict avoidance and denying your own needs, leading to you often becoming a scapegoat and target for abuse in your relationships.
The fawn-avoidant archetype is a unique combination of two distinct attachment styles: avoidant attachment and the fawn trauma response. This archetype is characterized by a tendency to suppress one’s own needs and desires in order to placate or appease others, as well as a desire to maintain distance and independence in relationships.
At the core of avoidant attachment is a fear of intimacy and a desire for independence. Those with avoidant attachment may struggle with feelings of vulnerability and have difficulty forming close emotional connections with others. This can lead to a tendency to distance oneself from others, both emotionally and physically, in order to maintain a sense of control and independence.
The fawn trauma response, on the other hand, is a coping mechanism that involves suppressing one’s own needs and desires in order to placate or appease others. It is often triggered by experiences of abuse, trauma, or other forms of adversity, and is characterized by a lack of assertiveness and a tendency to “go along” with others in order to avoid conflict or maintain relationships.
The combination of these two attachment styles can be particularly challenging, as you may feel torn between a desire for independence and a need to please or appease others in order to maintain relationships. This can lead to a cycle of suppression and avoidance; as you struggle to assert your own needs and desires, you may have difficulty forming close, emotionally intimate connections with others.
Fawn-avoidant individuals are often hyper-focused on the moods and expectations of others. When conflict arises, they often blame themselves for not being able to make things work, covertly doubling down on efforts to win their partners back. They hate the idea of being seen as needy and instead focus on being worthy of love by twisting themselves tightly around meeting everyone else’s needs but their own. However, deep down they crave connection. When their relationships require too much vulnerability, they pull away at the first sign of abandonment or affections not being reciprocated in an effort to avoid being hurt.
During conflict, the intermittent avoidance results in disappearing acts. This can look like ghosting for a few days or withdrawing and becoming nonresponsive for a few hours. Their flavor of avoidance on one hand can look like the silent treatment; however, they may also be unsure of what to do in order to fix things in that moment.
When they return, they will quickly shift into love-bombing and people-pleasing in an effort to bring back the honeymoon period. They’ll do everything they can to avoid conflict by becoming hyper-compliant in order to make up for their behavior. This is also known as push-pull behavior, and it maintains a consistent pattern of emotional volatility and uncertainty about the relationship.
