It is important to recognize that no one deserves to be abused, and that it is possible to break the cycle of abuse and build healthier, more fulfilling relationships. However, it’s also key that we recognize the dynamics of abuse, and why this can be especially difficult for those who are experiencing covert emotional abuse.
Overt emotional abuse is often characterized by clear, obvious behaviors that are intended to control, manipulate, or degrade another person. Examples of this may include verbal abuse, name-calling, threats, or other forms of verbal aggression. This type of abuse is often easy to recognize and can be difficult to ignore.
Covert emotional abuse, on the other hand, is a much more subtle and insidious form of abuse. It is characterized by behaviors that are intended to undermine the victim’s sense of self-worth and self-confidence, and it can be difficult to recognize or acknowledge. Examples of this may include gaslighting, isolation, controlling behaviors, or manipulation.
Covert emotional abuse can be particularly painful, as it is often subtle, leaving the victim feeling confused and uncertain. It can also be difficult to identify, as the abuser may present themselves as supportive or caring, making it difficult for the victim to recognize that they are being abused.
Here are a few examples of covertly abusive behaviors:
Fake Apologies with No Changed Behavior: An apology without changed behavior is manipulation. The abuser continues to do what they apologized for and said they would change.
Ghosting After a Disagreement: Intentionally disappearing after conflict to teach you a lesson. They return when they feel you are ready to reset the relationship and avoid addressing the real issue.
Invalidating Your Experiences of Them: “You’re too sensitive” and “I can’t be myself around you” are ploys to make you feel guilty about their abusive behavior.
Using Vulnerable Information Against You: Using information about your past, previous abuse, or otherwise sensitive information against you in jest or during conflict.
Moving the Goalpost: There’s always something that needs to change before the relationship can move forward. This keeps you at arm’s length as you walk on eggshells toward a nonexistent goal.
Pulling Away: Using the silent treatment. This is different from withdrawing to take space to calm down, refocus, or think things through. Instead, this is an attempt to control you and the relationship by withdrawing attention, affection, and love to make you worry about being abandoned or rejected (so that they will be able to maintain or regain control).
Signs You Are Experiencing Covert Emotional Abuse
When things don’t feel quite right in a relationship, and you can’t put a finger on it, chances are you might be dealing with some covert emotional abuse. Here’s how it can manifest:
Loss of Self: You’re a shell of who you used to be because their behavior chips away at your self-esteem.
Self-Neglect: You stopped taking care of your emotional or physical needs.
Self-Harm: You’ve entertained suicidal thoughts when in high conflict with them.
Now, let’s break down abuse in general. Often, when you’re dealing with someone who’s covertly abusive, they may show tendencies of one or more of these abusive behaviors.
Abuse: When someone harms or exploits you in some way. Here’s the breakdown:
Physical: Direct harm to your body, like hitting or shoving.
Emotional: Messing with your feelings—constant criticism, belittling, or manipulation.
Mental: Mind games, including gaslighting or making you doubt your own reality.
Sexual: Any unwanted actions that invade your boundaries or personal space.
And here’s where it gets really tricky; some who engage in these behaviors do so covertly and often fly under the radar:
Denial in Order to Maintain Control: They refuse to go to therapy or address the issues in your relationship.
Manipulation: They promise to change but continue to behave the same.
Control: They try to isolate you from friends or family, and control who you see and where you go.
Chaotic Behavior: You’re often researching their behavior online and talking to your friends about it obsessively (meanwhile, a trauma bond is forming).
Gaslighting: Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse in which a person manipulates someone else into questioning their own reality or sanity. This can be done through various tactics, such as denying or trivializing the other person’s experiences, feelings, or perceptions, or by using selective facts or lies to distort the truth.
Now, diving deeper into the psyche, one personality type that might be at the center of such covert emotional abuse is the covert narcissist.
Covert Narcissism
You’d think narcissists would be easy to spot with their obviously arrogant behavior, right? Not the covert ones. They’re sneakier, often appearing shy or playing the victim card. Their main traits are a laser focus on their own needs and a stark lack of empathy. So while they may seem vulnerable or reserved, underneath that facade might be a world of manipulation and self-centeredness. It’s these very individuals, the covert narcissists, who can be master puppeteers in the realm of emotional abuse.
Covert narcissism is a type of narcissism that is characterized by a focus on one’s own emotional needs and a lack of empathy for others. It is often difficult to recognize, as covert narcissists may present themselves as shy, vulnerable, or humble, making it easy for them to fly under the radar and avoid detection.
One of the key characteristics of covert narcissism is a deep-seated sense of insecurity and a need for constant validation. As a result, covert narcissists may rely on others to boost their ego and validate their worth. They may also engage in manipulative or controlling behaviors in order to get their own way or maintain a sense of control.
Despite their need for validation, covert narcissists often struggle with empathy and may have a hard time understanding or caring about the feelings of others. This can make it difficult for them to form close, emotionally intimate relationships, and can leave their partners feeling unvalued and unsupported. Here are some common characteristics and behaviors to look out for:
Temperament: Initially presents with an even temperament and carefully curated image, which later unravels as resentment builds due to internal conflict when they are challenged or rejected.
Curated Image: Chooses partners or friends based on superficial characteristics like age, intelligence, weight, reputation, perceived dominance, inferiority, and/or success.
Passive Aggression: Engages in passive-aggressive behavior, then accuses everyone else of being the problem while denying there’s an issue (because they are the problem).
Low Ego Strength: Sensitive to even the slightest criticism and holds grudges due to fragile ego and low self-esteem.
False Self: Creates fantasies or stories of who they are in order to create a perception of superiority in contrast to their targets.
Self-Victimization: Always the victim, and uses that to garner sympathy. Later, they may use that sympathy to manipulate you.
