Empathy: Partners are able to empathize with each other and understand each other’s feelings. They are supportive during difficult times and celebrate each other’s successes.
Growth Mindset: Partners are committed to personal growth and development. They are open to learning and trying new things, and they encourage each other to become the best version of themselves.
Active Listening: Partners actively listen to each other without interrupting or trying to fix the other person’s problems. They show empathy and validate their partner’s feelings.
Equal Distribution of Emotional Labor: Partners share emotional labor, which refers to the invisible work that goes into maintaining a relationship, such as remembering important dates, initiating conversations, and planning activities. When partners share this labor, it shows a sense of equality and care for the relationship.
Gratitude and Appreciation: Partners who regularly express gratitude and appreciation toward each other, even for small things, are more likely to have a positive and fulfilling relationship.
Healthy Disagreements: Partners can have disagreements without resorting to verbal abuse or disrespect. Instead, they engage in healthy conflict resolution and try to understand each other’s point of view.
Supportive Communication: Partners who communicate in a supportive and non-judgmental way can help each other through tough times and celebrate each other’s achievements.
This is not an exhaustive list of green flags, but it serves as a guide for finding a healthy and supportive relationship after a toxic one. Being mindful of these positive indicators helps us make more informed choices about the health of our relationships, and take steps to nurture and strengthen them.
By accepting these green flags, we are committing to rejecting the bare minimum. But it’s important to remember that the opposite of bare minimum is not perfection; it’s conscious love.
An important note: embodying green flags doesn’t mean being a doormat or sacrificing our own needs. It’s about striking a balance, setting boundaries, and ensuring that our own needs are met in the relationship. When both partners embody green flags, it creates a supportive, loving, and positive dynamic where both can thrive.
This is a commitment to ourselves and our relationships to embody those green flags we want to see more of. It takes effort, but the results are well worth it. A happy and healthy relationship is possible, and it starts with each of us taking responsibility for our own actions and embodying the positive qualities we want to experience.
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GREEN FLAGS AND CORE VALUEs
As we embrace these positive behaviors in our relationships, we step right into the realm of conscious love. It’s a solid, safe space where both partners can truly be themselves, grow, and find support in each other. It’s straightforward, genuine, and exactly the kind of connection that makes you feel at home, no matter where you are.
Now, think about the strong foundations of this heartfelt home. Here, we’re talking about core values—the really big, deeply held beliefs that guide how you both show up in the relationship, and in life in general, which we covered in Part 1. Think honesty, deep respect, genuine empathy, and a real commitment to each other. Imagine one person deeply values honesty; this creates a transparent atmosphere where trust just blossoms. Core values are like the sturdy walls and beams of our emotional home, keeping everything stable and secure, no matter what.
Additionally, we’ve got green flags. These moments are like the cozy throw blankets and charming photos you scatter around, making your space feel inviting and full of warmth. These lovely, joyful touches make the journey of being together just that much sweeter. Picture thoughtful gestures, quality time spent laughing together, and those heart-to-heart talks that go on into the wee hours.
Now, let’s add a layer to this. Consider a core value like open and healthy communication—it’s fundamental, right? It’s like deciding to use the strongest, most durable materials to build your home. A green flag corresponding to this value would look like your partner actively listening when you speak, even when the topic is a tricky one. They don’t brush off your concerns or make light of them; instead, they validate your feelings and work with you to find a solution. This green flag is like adding a beautiful bay window to your well-built home, creating a space filled with light and providing a view to understand each other better.
Now, let’s bring it back to the heart of the matter: conscious love. This is all about both partners really leaning in, actively building and tending to this sanctuary of love and understanding. It’s about being present, open, and willing to grow together.
Choosing conscious love means you’re both all in, committed to keeping those walls strong with shared values, while also relishing in the joy of adding those lovely, personal touches of green flags.
It’s about creating a space where both hearts have room to breathe, heal, and simply be. A space where you can find yourselves, find each other, and build a home together in the truest sense. It’s a journey filled with warmth, insight, and a whole lot of love—and honestly, it’s the best kind of journey there is.
RECLAIMING OUR POWER THROUGH INNER WORk
We introduced inner work in Part 2, but now let’s discuss why it’s so crucial in the aftermath of a toxic relationship. When you’re caught in the thick of a codependent or toxic relationship, it feels like there’s no way out. But we all have the power and choice to shake things up in our relationships. It’s all about rolling up our sleeves, diving into the inner work, and making the changes needed to turn our connections around and be the best versions of ourselves.
Pinpointing the Negative Cycles
To kickstart this transformation, the first step is to pinpoint those negative cycles we find ourselves in. These could be patterns where we carry the emotional load for others, react with criticism or defensiveness when we feel attacked, put others’ needs ahead of our own, or resort to substances to numb the hard feelings. Becoming aware of these patterns is crucial. It’s like shining a light on the shadows, helping us spot these cycles quicker in the future and making it easier to step out of them.
Understanding Our Emotional Needs
After recognizing these unhealthy patterns, the next step is to understand the emotional needs beneath them. Ask yourself: What am I really longing for here? Is it a sense of belonging, emotional support, love, respect, understanding, or maybe freedom? Identifying these core needs is a pivotal part of healing from codependency and toxic relationships. It shifts the responsibility back to ourselves, empowering us to meet our own needs through our thoughts, words, and actions rather than waiting for someone else to fill those voids.
So, in essence, reclaiming our power in relationships is all about awareness and action. It’s about recognizing the patterns that hold us back, understanding our core emotional needs, and taking proactive steps to meet those needs ourselves. This journey isn’t always easy, but it’s worth it. After all, it leads us to healthier, more fulfilling relationships, and ultimately, a stronger, more resilient version of ourselves.
Let’s take a look at a few examples of what we can do to engage the work to thrive in our relationships:
Taking Space and Giving Space
Learning to identify the right moments to take and give space is a crucial aspect of healing from codependency and toxic relationships. Taking space allows you to step back, process your emotions, and assess the situation in a clear-headed manner. This helps you maintain your sense of self and avoid getting caught up in toxic patterns driven by reactivity. Giving others space helps preserve their sense of individuality and fosters respect and understanding in the relationship.
Knowing when to take space and when to give others space requires a certain level of emotional intelligence and self-awareness. It’s important to recognize the signs that indicate you need to take space, such as feeling overwhelmed, triggered, or drained, and to take action to protect yourself when these feelings come up. Similarly, it’s important to be attuned to the emotional state of others and to respond appropriately.
When you are able to strike the right balance between taking and giving space, you can cultivate a healthy and fulfilling relationship. Relationships thrive when we balance prioritizing our own well-being and staying mindful of the needs of others. This builds a strong foundation for a supportive and nourishing relationship.
SITTING WITH DISCOMFORT BEFORE REACTINg
In the previous section, I mentioned reactivity. As we heal from toxic relationships and codependency, it’s important to learn how to sit with our uncomfortable feelings before reacting. This is a powerful tool that can help us take back control of our lives and make positive changes.
Benefits of Being Responsive Over Reactive
Nobody wants to be the target of someone else’s venting or anger, and yet, when we’re feeling agitated internally, it’s common to unintentionally let those emotions spill over onto our partners. This is where the journey to self-awareness becomes crucial. Asking ourselves questions like “What am I feeling right now?” and “Why am I feeling this way?” enables us to understand the roots of our emotions, helping us address our feelings before projecting them onto our partners.
By learning to respond instead of react, we’re taking control of our emotional responses during interactions with others. This includes embracing practices such as being self-aware, establishing clear boundaries in the relationship, and having open, honest communication about any issues that arise. These practices are pillars that uphold the resilience of our relationships, even when we’re in the midst of internal chaos.
Responding thoughtfully begins with recognizing the signs of emotional overwhelm and taking a moment for yourself to step back and reflect. This could be as simple as pausing and taking a deep breath, creating an immediate space for your body and mind to begin to settle. If the situation allows, physically removing yourself from the conversation can give you the additional clarity you need to calm those heightened emotions.
Sitting with your emotions before responding encourages a period of reflection, helping you gain clarity on what you’re truly feeling and why. This pause allows you to recognize your emotional triggers in a non-judgmental way while still maintaining your boundaries. It’s about understanding these triggers not as something to be ashamed of, but as signals guiding you on how to better prepare for future interactions.
Being self-aware and knowing your triggers are like having a personal roadmap to navigate your emotional world. It doesn’t mean placing blame on yourself; it’s about learning and preparing. You won’t need to respond to every situation, and sometimes the most powerful response is giving yourself time to sit with your feelings and understand them, and then to decide the best way forward.
When you allow yourself this space, you are actively choosing to interact from a place of strength and clarity, not from a place of emotional turmoil. The practices of journaling, deep breathing, and reflecting can be invaluable tools in this process, helping you untangle your thoughts and feelings, and guiding you toward a better understanding of yourself. This journey isn’t always easy, especially when healing from past toxic relationships, but learning to respond rather than react is a crucial step toward healthier relational patterns and, ultimately, toward a healthier you.
YOUR INTUITIOn
In Part 1 we talked about intuition, and how to get acquainted with it in the immediate aftermath of a heartbreak. Now let’s go deeper, and cover how intuition can be our guide as we reenter the dating landscape with a new self-awareness and toolkit.
Intuition is an inner knowing. It is the voice of our subconscious mind that many of us find harder to be in touch with as we age and are influenced by our formative relationships. We may not always pay attention to it, but if we do, it can lead us down the right path. Our intuition speaks to us through our thoughts, emotions, physical sensations, dreams, visions, and more. Learning how to develop and strengthen our connection with our intuition can help us make decisions that are aligned with our highest self even in times of uncertainty.
It is especially important to tap into our intuition after a toxic or codependent relationship because it cultivates a self-awareness that protects us from triggers and unhealthy patterns. Knowing when something doesn’t feel right can help us recognize unhealthy dynamics before they become harmful. Our intuition also helps identify what serves and nourishes us and what doesn’t. Using it, we can tune into which parts of ourselves need love and attention. This is one of the first steps to true and lasting healing.
How to Check In with Your Intuition
The first step in connecting with your intuition is being still enough to hear it speak. Practicing meditation or simply taking some time each day for self-reflection are great ways to cultivate this inner stillness, which will ultimately bring you closer to understanding yourself better. It can also provide clarity on any current issues you may be struggling with in relation to healing after traumatic experiences or toxic relationships.
As with learning to respond versus react, journaling can be a helpful tool for gaining clarity on what your inner voice is trying to tell you. From a safe environment—on the page or in a quiet room—we can explore our thoughts on difficult topics, such as codependency or other unhealthy dynamics, through self-exploration and reflection.
Taking time each day for self-reflection through meditation or journaling allows us the opportunity to connect more deeply with ourselves. Developing trust within helps ensure that we are always following the path most aligned with our highest self, even during times of uncertainty. By tapping into your internal guidance system—your intuition—you will find the strength needed to navigate tough moments as you enter into new, healthy relationships.
Fear vs. Intuition and How to Tell the Difference
When it comes to relationships, figuring out the difference between fear and intuition can be really tricky, especially if you’ve been in some rough spots before. If past relationships have left you on edge, it’s normal to find yourself feeling scared or worried, even when things are actually going okay.
