This type is also a chronic caretaker, neglecting their own needs as they focus on everyone else. In relationships, they over-function and over-give in order to secure love, affection, and attention, or to keep the peace. This anxiety about working for acceptance may also look like oversharing, then later withdrawing when feeling they’ve said too much.
If they aren’t performing in their relationships, they’re unsure of the role they play. Their entire presentation is centered around working for love and retreating once they get it. In many ways, this is an unconscious process for managing their partners. They do just enough to keep them close, but maintain enough of a distance to keep intimacy and vulnerability at bay. This means they never really allow their partners to experience their real self (a person with real emotional needs).
This type may also find themselves in financially abusive and other transactional relationships, because they’re often performing in exchange for potential benefits. They over-give for acceptance, love, or attention, and they may receive, for example, money, housing, or other transactional benefits.
Despite these challenges, it is important to remember that everyone has the capacity to change and grow with the right support and guidance. In the laid-back atmosphere of my office, with its chill vibes and light background music, I kicked off my shoes and pulled my feet up onto the chair, thinking about Jake’s story—a classic fawn-avoidant saga.
“Alright, Jake,” I began, with a playful smirk. “Let’s imagine your emotional world as … hmm, think of it like a game of dodgeball.”
He chuckled, leaning in, clearly intrigued. “Dodgeball? Seriously? Okay, hit me.”
I grinned. “See, you’ve got this ‘fawn’ side of you, right? It’s like you’re trying to catch every ball, make sure you’re in the game, always on the lookout for potential throws. But then, the ‘avoidant’ side steps in, and instead of catching, you’re ducking, diving, and dodging away.”
Jake laughed out loud. “Man, it’s like you’ve watched me at a company picnic! One minute I’m all in, and the next, I’m finding the nearest exit.”
I snapped my fingers, pointing at him. “Bingo! It’s like you’re playing defense and offense at the same time. Sometimes you’re the MVP, and other times you just want to sit on the sidelines.”
He nodded, a reflective look in his eyes. “I wish I could just … I don’t know, find a balance between the two?”
I stretched out, hands behind my head. “That’s where the magic happens. Imagine mixing up the game—a bit of catch, a bit of dodge, but on your terms. Maybe it’s about teaming up with someone, like a therapist, who knows the game inside out. Or learning some new moves, better strategies, or even just pumping yourself up with some self-love pep talks.”
Jake seemed thoughtful. “So, a dodgeball remix?”
I winked. “Exactly. And who knows? With a bit of practice, you might just become the dodgeball champ with a heart of gold.”
Navigating the fawn-avoidant maze can feel like a whirlwind, but once you know the rules and get the hang of the game, it’s all about making it work for you, playing at your own pace, and building those winning connections.
The Flight-Avoidant Archetype
In my relaxed office corner, the mellow glow of the afternoon sun peeking in, I sank into my plush chair, thinking about Alex’s story—the epitome of the flight-avoidant journey.
“Alright, picture this,” I started, stretching my arms as if framing a movie scene. “You’re like a world-class tightrope walker.”
Alex chuckled. “You and your analogies! Go on…”
“You’re up high, balancing with expert precision,” I went on. “On one side, there’s this wide-open space—freedom, control, independence. It’s exhilarating. But then, on the other side, there’s the crowd below, cheering for you, wanting to connect, to be closer. And that’s where the wobble starts.”
His eyes widened, the realization dawning. “It’s like I want to soar, to be free, but any slight tug toward connection … and I feel like I’m falling.”
“Exactly!” I said, snapping my fingers. “The flight-avoidant in you wants to sprint across that rope, feeling the wind, the rush. But there’s also this nagging voice that says you’ve got to be perfect while doing it. No wobbles allowed. And if someone shouts from below, ‘Hey, can we chat?’ it feels like a gust of wind threatening to knock you off.”
He nodded. “I want to be close, but it feels … overwhelming. So, I retreat, bury myself in work or just … shut down.”
I leaned in. “And that’s where the paradox lies. There’s this part of you that wishes someone just ‘got you,’ that they’d magically know what you’re feeling. Yet, speaking up about those emotions feels like a vulnerability, like showing a weakness.”
Alex sighed. “I wish I didn’t feel I had to be perfect to be loved.”
“Hey,” I responded gently, “no one’s asking for perfection. And while the tightrope might feel precarious, remember you’ve got a safety net below. It’s about finding your rhythm, allowing yourself to wobble, and reaching out when you need support.”
He smiled softly. “So, more balance, less sprinting?”
“You got it,” I said. “And trust me, the view’s pretty amazing when you take a moment to enjoy it.”
The flight-avoidant journey might feel like a balancing act, but with the right mindset, some self-compassion, and a pinch of bravery, it’s possible to find steadiness and embrace those deeper, fulfilling connections.
9
Survival-Based Relationships
Tina was always vibrant, the life of the party. Friends loved her energy. On a particularly breezy evening over coffee, she raved about her new relationship with Alex. “The connection is electric,” she beamed. But as the conversation steered deeper, a different story unfolded. “The sex? Unreal. But outside the bedroom? He hardly ever texts, and we rarely go on actual dates.” Tina paused, looking lost in thought. “But did I mention the sex?”
That’s when I realized Tina was caught in what I’ve termed a “survival-based relationship.” Now, if you’ve been following along, you’ll remember our earlier discussion on survival mode. Here, we’re delving into the terrain where two people bring their individual survival instincts into a relationship. Imagine it like this: instead of two people creating a harmonious melody, they sometimes end up clashing cymbals.
These relationships are intense. They revolve around addressing immediate needs rather than building emotional or psychological connections. Think of it as going for a quick snack when you’re hungry versus sitting down for a nourishing meal.
A distinct hallmark of these relationships? A whirlwind of passion, struggle, misunderstandings, and often, a mismatch of core values. For instance, Tina and Alex seemed magnetically drawn to each other, yet their day-to-day interactions were marked by misalignments and missed texts. When two people prioritize differently and have different life goals, the common ground becomes a tightrope walk.
Often, such dynamics are more than just a passing phase. It’s like being trapped in a time loop, replaying old patterns. However, recognizing them is the first step toward a plot twist. These relationships can be useful as mirrors that reflect unresolved emotional baggage.
While every relationship has its roller-coaster moments, it’s crucial to know the difference between an exhilarating ride and one that leaves you nauseated. The takeaway? It’s less about the immediate highs and lows, and more about the journey. Sometimes, understanding why we’re on a particular ride is the key to choosing better adventures in the future.
In this chapter, we’re going to discuss the different types of survival-based relationships and what can lead to them.
THE CYCLE OF ABUSE
Survival-based relationships can often be marked by emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is a pattern of behavior that is used to control, manipulate, or degrade another person. It can take many forms, including verbal abuse, gaslighting, isolation, and controlling behaviors.
Emotional abuse often follows a predictable cycle. It typically begins with an incident of abuse, which is then followed by a period of remorse or apology. During this period, the abuser may promise to change or to seek help in order to prevent the abuse from happening again.
However, over time, the abuser may return to their old patterns of behavior. This repeating cycle can be particularly challenging for the person on the receiving end of the abuse, as it can create confusion and uncertainty, and make it difficult to know when it is safe to trust the abuser again. Survival-based relationships can be particularly susceptible to this cycle of abuse. The victim may feel that they have few other options and may be afraid to leave the relationship.
