There had to be more to life than this. If not, then what was the point of it all? What was "righteous" about doing nothing but eating, sleeping, and reproducing? Where was the purpose in constantly walking the exact same steps, doing the same tasks, and following the same habits as the generations of women who'd come before?
Nothing ever changed. Nothing would change, and I was so tired of it all. I wasn't even twenty years old, and I'd already lived the best parts of my life. From here on out, things would only get worse, until I gave my life to further the goals of the Righteous.
When I said nothing else, Mr. Saunders rose from the table. He barely even looked at Callah beside me. In silence, I smiled at his back, simply waiting for him to get far enough away. Once I was sure the deaf old man couldn't overhear me, I turned to Callah and dropped my mouth open.
"Can you believe him?" I huffed.
"It's far too soon to propose!" she hissed, doing her best to keep her voice down.
"I know! His wife only just passed!" And I rolled my eyes to show what I thought about the man. "Never mind that. Does he really think he's a great catch? I mean, he can barely manage a polite conversation."
"But you should definitely marry him," Callah teased. "If you do, then he won't end up on my list!"
Which made me laugh. Shoving a hand over my lips, I did my best to smother it. The last thing the pair of us needed was to draw attention to ourselves. Not out here in the dining hall where everyone in the compound was welcome to eat.
Callah reached over to rub my shoulder, then stood. I waited a moment, giving her the chance to get ahead of me, then did the same. Once my plate had been returned to the washing area, I changed direction and aimed for our room. In my chest, my heart was beating heavily.
I still had months left. Months where I should be treated as a girl. As a child! Proposals weren't supposed to start until the month before we turned twenty, and didn't count until we were officially of age, yet I'd already been noticed. My future was already being decided!
I wouldn't be given enough time to choose the suitor I preferred. One single week to talk to eligible men, walk with them, and accept one to be my husband until my death. Not his, but mine - and it wasn't nearly enough time. Worse, if I couldn't make up my mind, the Council would choose a man for me.
Complementary genetic matches were kept on file. That file made up our list to choose from. Thankfully, some of the worst men had been eliminated because of the coefficient of inbreeding. Sadly, a good percentage of the men my age were also ruled out. Roarke was a possibility, but he was only seventeen. I needed to ask Ms. Lawton if our match might be a cause to postpone my marriage, because that would buy me years. The next closest in age was Jamison. He was twenty-seven - and very attractive - but seemed to be courting Eliana, who was only a month younger than me.
That left me with men old enough to be my father or young enough to be my children. I wanted none of them. Too bad God wasn't going to give me that option. It wasn't a luxury women were granted.
FiveAyla
One week after her birthday, Meri got married. The date had been chosen because it was a holiday - the Opening of the Arc. Supposedly, a marriage on such a day would bring God's blessing down on all the Righteous, for it proved we had used our salvation well.
For the entire day, the news was whispered through the compound, making sure everyone knew. The dining hall would be packed. With so many intending to be there, Callah and I had begged and borrowed the best clothes we'd heard of for our friend.
Meri's dress was made of twice-bleached fabric. The veil she wore was aged lace from her mother's line. And somehow, Callah and I had managed to weave her silvered hair up into the most elegant style, with a few tendrils hanging down to tempt her man. In my opinion, she was the most beautiful bride I'd ever seen.
But what surprised me most was Gideon. Less than a week ago, he'd been severely wounded. I'd pulled the arrows from his body myself. Still, the man insisted on acting like nothing had happened so he could stand for his vows. He wore a formal robe and cradled his family's Bible, but no bandages were visible under the fabric. I still knew he had them.
Then, just before dinner that evening, the High Priest performed the ceremony, passing the new husband the rod that signified he was now an adult. Yet while Gideon might be moving slowly, his smile seemed real as he leaned on the three-foot-long rod and swore to protect and care for his new bride. Merienne vowed to obey her husband and gift him with the fruit of her womb. The words were the same as they were for most marriages, but the look in their eyes? It was enough to make me a bit jealous.
My friend seemed to have found happiness. It was what we were all looking for in our matches, but I'd never heard of a truly happy couple. The "honeymoon phase," they called this, although I had no idea why. None of us had seen the moon. I knew the thing wasn't made of honey, though. But if it meant Meri could keep smiling like this, then good for her.
And when the short ceremony was over, the food was served. Plus, because it was a holiday, the meal was "special." Large-leaf vegetables, tubers, plenty of fungus, and pale, stringy meat were all laid out to be claimed. From the murmurs of the people around us, most were excited about the addition to our diet. I wasn't.
I didn't care for meat. It was hard to get, harder to store, and even the sight of it turned my stomach. Still, our bodies needed protein, so the hunters did their best to gather it for each of the many holidays we Righteous celebrated. That was the main reason they went to the surface above, braving the wrath of the demons who claimed it.
When it was my turn to make my plate, I took a heaping serving of the plants but ignored the flesh, telling myself I was merely making sure others could have their fill. As a child, I'd eaten that stuff, yet I'd always complained that it tasted wrong. My mother - back when she'd been alive - hadn't cared for it either, but my father had insisted. Now, so long as I didn't waste away, no one else even noticed.
But a fancy meal didn't make up for the change in our life. I tried to smile at Meri as she basked in the attention of being a new bride. Sitting at a place of honor under the Dragon tail on the wall, she didn't see me. Sadly, I didn't have much to say to Callah, because none of it would be good.
Our friend was gone. She was her husband's wife now. The Righteous saw her as an adult, which meant she had no need of childish things - such as two girls who still lived in the children's quarters. I knew that, yet our room felt empty without her in it that night.
Neither Callah nor I wanted to talk about it. The next day passed slowly. Our classes seemed to drag on for an eternity. I couldn't even bring myself to escape into my library because it would leave Callah alone, yet we had nothing to talk about except our own poor choices of husbands and the empty bed between us.
The day after, Meri's absence began to feel a little more "normal." The one after that, it was even easier. I stopped expecting to see her when I entered our room. Callah and I learned to discuss other things, forging a new balance. Bit by bit, we were moving on, and yet I missed my friend.
Three days after her wedding, when I sat down to eat lunch in my usual spot, Meri was waiting. I gasped, thrilled to finally see again - especially so soon after her wedding!
Then I saw her face.
She looked up at me and tried to smile, but the swelling on her jaw made it lopsided. "I missed you two," she said around it.
"Meri..." I breathed. "What happened?"
She swallowed, putting in too much effort. Obviously, it was painful. "I tried to tell Gideon we should wait to consummate our marriage until he was healed." Her eyes dropped to the plate she had before her. "He made it clear he's not so weak as to need a break."
"Oh, Meri..." I mumbled, reaching for her hand under the table.
She clasped my palm a little too hard just as Callah joined us. My other friend's reaction was barely any better than my own. Callah gasped, but she didn't dare ask about Meri's face. Not with so many people moving around us at the moment. But when our little corner was quiet again, she leaned in.
"Did Gideon do that?"
"I tried to put off the consummation," Meri admitted. "He thought I was refusing him."
"But he's wounded," I insisted.
She shrugged subtly. "It seems men don't care about that. The act of breeding is pleasurable for them, remember."
Callah grumbled under her breath. "Was it that bad for you?"
"Her face is bruised!" I hissed. "How could it not have been?"
