"I thought that happened before he... You know."
"It did," Meri assured us. "That's why I snuck out to see you two. I wanted to make sure you both know the reality, not just what they tell us in school."
"It'll be okay," Callah assured her.
"It won't!" Meri snapped, pausing to lower her voice again. "He made me lie on my back and spread my legs. Then he grabbed himself and stared for a while." She glanced over, barely able to meet my eyes before she looked at her plate again. "And when it gets excited, his member gets larger. Once he was ready, he pushed it in."
"Which is what the classes say," I pointed out.
"They don't talk about how bad it hurts," Meri insisted. "I cried, Ayla. He told me to stop because it made him feel bad, but I couldn't. It just hurt so bad! And when I tried to make it hurt less, and moved? He held me down so he could finish."
"But it's over," Callah insisted.
"It's not over until I no longer have my monthly bleeding," Meri whispered. "He did it again twice that night, then three times the next day."
"Oh, Meri," I said wanting to do something to make the torture easier to deal with.
"But I figured it out," she told us. "See, if you relax and breathe slowly? If you close your eyes and think about happy things? It helps. I could relax my muscles and that made it hurt less."
"So relax," Callah repeated, nodding to show she was listening.
I heard every word, but I couldn't do the same. I couldn't simply pretend like breathing slowly and remembering happy thoughts would change my life. No, there had to be a way to fix this.
"What if you're not there?" I asked, desperately seeking some way out of this.
"There's nowhere else to be, Ayla," Meri told me. "We have a family suite now. I sleep in the same room as him. I have a kitchen where I can prepare meals for him. That's it! Unless I lock myself in the toilet room, but he'd just break down the door."
"Men have needs," Callah said, sounding as disgusted by it as I felt.
"And it is our job to serve those needs," Meri agreed. "But it does get better. Today hurt less than the first time."
I pressed both hands over my mouth, my eyes hanging on her. "I don't know if I should hope you get pregnant soon or dread the day that happens," I admitted. "I just wish there was something I could do to help."
"There's nothing to do," she explained. "This is the lot of a wife. I shall bear him heirs and replenish the Lord's people." She paused, pressing her lips together. "And I heard some men still want to do it when his wife is pregnant."
"No," Callah said, slashing a hand through the air. "That's too much."
"I know!" Meri agreed. "I told Gideon I would not be one of those women. He hit me for it."
"Just agree with him," I told her. "Be meek, Meri. Be gentle and subservient and even silent if you have to."
Slowly, Meri licked her lips. "No, I think I will be me. Ayla, I have nothing else to lose. I mean, I know how lucky I am. My husband is at least young and attractive. He cares about me - "
"That's not caring!" Callah snapped.
Meri shot her a look of warning. "And unless you want the entire dining hall to wonder what we're talking about, keep your voice down."
"But it's going to happen to us too!" Callah insisted.
"To all women," I reminded her. "This is our lot, Callah. There's no other option."
Meri simply reached over to rub my shoulder. "No, there isn't. I just wanted to make sure both of you knew what to expect before you accept a proposal."
"Maybe an old man would be better?" Callah suggested. "I mean, if he's frail enough, then at least he wouldn't be able to hit as hard, Ayla."
"And he might die sooner," I added.
That made both of my friends look at me in shock. Clearly, neither of them had thought about it before, but I couldn't think of anything else. A little piece of me had hoped Meri's marriage might be one of those stories like I'd read in my library. One filled with kindness and romance. Instead, she was sitting beside me wearing bruises as proof of her place.
"It's not like the stories," I said softly.
Meri just shook her head. "It's nothing like the stories. Copulation is disgusting!"
"How so?" Callah asked.
"It just is," Meri insisted.
"It's okay," I told her. "We're not going to tell anyone if you say too much."
"And it's the only way we'll know," Callah pointed out.
So Meri leaned closer and dropped her voice as much as she could. "He wants me to touch his thing."
"Penis?" I asked.
She jiggled her head in an embarrassed nod. "And to pump it. He says he likes how it feels. And once, he wanted me to lick it!"
"But that's where he pees!" Callah gasped.
