“I was just kidding,” she said, breathing heavily as they went up a slight incline. “But it’s mostly true. Essentially, you hired me to live with you and help with Gabe until you get approved to adopt him. I would’ve done it for free, but Matthew says I have to take a settlement. That makes me nothing more than your employee.”
Though every word she said was true, he didn’t like the way it sounded. Maybe it was the fierce protectiveness he felt toward Gabe extending to Rylie, who was acting as his mother. That had to be it. He couldn’t be developing feelings for Rylie beyond friendship, could he? She’d made it crystal clear she wasn’t interested. If he let his attraction grow, he would ruin everything.
“And speaking of working for you,” she added, “you have to let me share the nighttime duties. You’ve woken up with him the last four nights in a row.”
“You needed the rest,” he said. “And I don’t mind.”
“You certainly don’t mind.” Her mouth twisted in a crooked grin. “At least not very well.”
“Look who’s talking, Miss I-Can-Help-Pay-For-The-Gas.”
“We’ve been taking your car everywhere. The least I could do was buy a tank of gas.”
“I hate to point out the obvious, but I can afford to pay for our gas.”
“It’s a matter of pride.”
Her jaw protruded, her lips pushing into a pout. It was a sure sign he was fighting a no-win battle. Suddenly, he imagined himself claiming those pouting lips with his own. Would she kiss with as much passion as she put into protecting her pride? He gave his head a shake, pushing the insane thoughts away.
I need to get my act together, before I drive Rylie away.
CHAPTER 17
Monday morning Juanita came to watch Gabe, but she had to work her shift at the grocery store in the afternoon. She and Jarrett had arranged for the afternoon babysitter, Juanita’s second cousin. Rylie hadn’t said anything, but she was afraid Gabe would be uncomfortable with a stranger. She was so preoccupied worrying about Gabe she almost forgot about her counseling appointment. When Brooke’s call came in on Monday afternoon, Rylie shut down her work computer and hurried to the rooftop patio to find a private place to talk.
“I don’t want to question your professionalism, but I have to know none of this will ever get back to Jarrett or any of his friends,” Rylie began.
“You don’t have to worry,” Brooke said. “Nothing you say will ever be repeated in any form. But I’ve been in your position, so I know you could use a listening ear.”
“I don’t think your marriage to Cole was quite like mine.”
“Why do you say that?”
Rylie sucked air into her lungs and held it, working up her courage. She let it out slowly, willing her muscles to relax. “My situation is different because I’ve been in love with Jarrett for nine years.”
To her credit, Brooke didn’t exclaim in shock. Instead, she used a calm, soothing voice and said, “Why don’t you start at the beginning and tell me everything?”
Rylie gave her the whole story, all the way back to when she and Jarrett first met, before he was caught up in her sister’s charms. She was proud that she held herself together, not shedding a single tear as she shared the most painful parts.
“So I’m not asking you to solve my problems,” Rylie hurried to clarify. “I know exactly how Jarrett feels about me, and I’m not expecting him to change. What I need from you is advice on how to control my emotions. That’s the real issue. I’ve always been able to hide how I feel, but lately, it’s like I’m teetering on the edge. I feel like I’m going to blow up and say the wrong thing, and Jarrett will find out I’m in love with him. And you know how he is. He’s so sweet, he’ll feel guilty about it, even though it isn’t his fault. It’s hard to fake my emotions twenty-four hours a day, but that’s what needs to happen. Otherwise, we won’t be able to live together, and Jarrett will lose Gabe.”
“Give me a second to process,” Brooke said. A few minutes of silence followed, and Rylie wondered if the call had been lost. Finally, Brooke replied. “First of all, you’ve done a fantastic job of being honest and open about your feelings, and that’s the key to being healthy.”
“Right, but that’s not feasible, except with you. I can’t say all that stuff to Jarrett.”
“No, but you can’t keep stuffing your emotions inside, either. It’s like pushing a beach ball under water. No matter how hard you try to keep it down, eventually, it’s going to pop to the surface.”
“Yes, but I don’t have any choice. I have to find some way to hide it, to protect Jarrett. And in the end, I’m protecting Gabe, too.”
“Listen, I know how hard it is to do what I’m asking. I didn’t even follow my own advice when Cole and I were in our temporary marriage. But you need to stop trying to guess Jarrett’s feelings and making decisions based on what you think he feels.”
“This isn’t like you and Cole,” Rylie argued. “Jarrett’s been in love with my sister all this time. And I’m not guessing what he feels—he told me.”
“You could be right.” Brooke’s tone was laden with empathy. “But whether or not that’s true, you have to learn to be vulnerable. That means letting your feelings show, even if the result is rejection.”
“I don’t see how that’s going to help anything. What do you want me to do? Tell him I love him and force him to give me an official rejection? I’ll just be moping around and crying all the time. He would never like me if I was acting like that. I wouldn’t even like me.”
“I’m not suggesting you go home and confess your love. I’m just saying you should stop hiding how you feel. If he says something that hurts you, let yourself react. If he asks you about it, be as honest as you can. Baby steps. You can’t change all at once. Crying a little bit now and then might keep you from exploding.”
Rylie’s face grew cold in the wind, and she realized her cheeks were already wet with tears, simply from thinking about doing what Brooke wanted her to do.
“Wouldn’t that be manipulating him?” Rylie asked. “Trying to make him change how he acts toward me? Because I know he would never do anything to hurt me on purpose. I can see him pretending he cares just to protect my feelings.”
“As long as you’re truthful, it’s not manipulation.”
“I don’t know. I don’t think I could do it, even if I wanted to. I’m not good at expressing myself. It’s not who I am.”
“Or maybe, it is who you are, but you’re stuffing yourself away, only showing a tiny part of yourself,” Brooke said. “You’re right about one thing, Rylie. You can’t keep going like you are… pushing that beach ball under the water. Embrace it, and it will hold you up.”
“Okay. I’ll try it. Thanks for talking to me.”
“Do you feel any better? Less panicky?”
“I think so.”
She’d already broken the be-honest rule, because deep inside, Rylie felt more hopeless than before.
