“You should go,” he said. “Don’t hold back your life because I failed to pull mine together in time. I’m going to pray for Gott to do something, but what could I tell your father if I asked you to hold off on all the good things because I couldn’t pay him? That’s not fair to anyone, least of all you. This is my problem, not yours.”
“Not mine?” she demanded, a lump rising in her throat. “How can you say that?”
“I’m sorry.” He stared at her miserably. “I knew I shouldn’t let myself fall for you, because I’ve got nothing to offer. This is all my fault. I’m truly sorry. If it were just my heart in the wringer, I could endure it. But I dragged you into this—”
“No...” She shook her head. “As much as I would love to blame you, I’m a woman who makes her own choices, Arden. I’m here for the same reasons you are.”
“And if I paid your daet back tomorrow...” He paused, searching her face. “If I were able to pay him back, would you be able to come to Ohio?”
“It’s a hard life in Ohio,” she said.
“Very hard. It’s a lot of work out there.”
“And you think I’m too spoiled to do it.”
“I think you’re too smart to take it on.”
She smiled faintly. Arden was trying to give her a way out, and that was both infuriating and sweet. Because if he asked her to drop everything and go to Ohio with him, would she be able to do it? Could she trust her heart and her entire future to this man?
“It isn’t the work, Arden,” she said. “It’s your history. I’ve comforted far too many girls who thought—just like I do now—that you cared.”
“I do care,” he said earnestly. “More than care. I love you.”
Sarai might want many things, but when the horseshoes hit the road, she kept coming back to this question: Could she truly trust him? Would there be other women she wondered about, others who threw themselves at him like Susie had, or who Arden didn’t push away as hard as he should? That was the part of her that was left stirred up and muddy inside of her. She loved him, but was he worthy of that love?
Maybe a few weeks in Shipshewana would give her time to think and untangle all of this confusion inside of her. Maybe with some time away from those piercing eyes and strong arms, she’d be able to see something she couldn’t see right now.
“But until you repay my father,” she said, “this is a pointless discussion.”
He nodded. “Yah. Just know that if I had all of my hopes and dreams, I’d be with you.”
Sarai heard the squeak of the screen door hinges, and she turned to see Mammi and Moe come outside.
“Sarai!” Mammi called. “Sarai?”
The timing was miserable, and she heaved a sigh. For all of her grandmother’s happiness, Sarai’s heart was broken.
“Yah, Mammi?” She didn’t sound like her ordinary self. Her throat was tight, and right now she just wanted to cry.
“Moe and I are going to see your father to tell him our news,” Mammi called. “Did you want to come?”
No, Sarai did not. She wanted to get away from here, though—to run and run and find some solitary place where she could cry and scream and let all these pent-up emotions out without having to explain herself to anyone.
“No, Mammi!” she said. “Go ahead. I’ll be here.”
Mammi Ellen and Moe set out for the stable, Moe holding Ellen’s hand almost reverently. Sarai turned back to Arden, and for a moment they just stood there, listening to the clucks of the hens and the sound of Moe’s voice as he spoke to the horse he would hitch up to Mammi’s buggy.
“What do we do now?” she asked.
“I help them hitch up, and then I go back to my grandfather’s house, and I get ready to go home,” he said. “Before I do something stupid, like change my mind.”
She nodded, and her throat seemed to close, allowing no more words. Arden bent down and pressed a kiss on her forehead.
“Goodbye,” he whispered gruffly against her hair, and then he turned and strode off.
Sarai stood there, her heart hammering in her throat, and she wondered if she would ever feel this way again about any man. Shipshewana wasn’t going to be the adventure she’d imagined. It would simply be a chance to get her balance back after heartbreak.
That wasn’t what she’d wanted...
The hens clucked softly, and Sarai opened the door to the chicken yard and scooped up a red hen, shutting the door carefully to make sure none escaped. She smoothed a hand over the glossy feathers and looked down at the trusting chicken.
Gott, take this pain away, she prayed silently. Let me stop loving him...please!
But with every beat of her heart, she felt Arden getting farther away, and the only thing left to her was to sink down to her knees and let the tears flow.
She loved him—as foolish as that might be. Had she been weak? Had she been silly? Or had she seen something more in him after all?
Maybe Gott wasn’t only teaching Arden a lesson. Maybe He was teaching her one, too, about the value of His children. Because there was so much more to Arden than the flirtatious ways of his youth, and she wished that instead of seeing the whole man and falling in love with him, she’d been permitted to stay naively ignorant.
Why did growth have to hurt so much?
She stroked the chicken, and her shoulders shook.
“Let me stop loving him,” she said, sobbing. It was the deepest prayer in her heart.
Chapter Twelve
That evening, Arden paced the small ground floor of his grandfather’s house. He tried to relax but had difficulty sitting down and thinking of anything besides Sarai. He knew that if he went back over there, there would still be nothing left to say, but he longed to see her all the same.
