The thought had been nagging at the back of her mind for days, but she hadn’t really considered it until Theodora had mentioned it. What would become of her if Eleanor Spencer became the lady of the house? Would she still be able to stay on as governess, or would Benedict choose her presence over Livinia’s?
You are just a servant. There is no choice in the matter.
She swallowed hard against the lump that had formed in her throat. There was no reasonable reason for her to feel how she was, yet she couldn’t help feeling as if her entire world was crumbling around her.
“I’m sure your life will continue just as it does now if Benedict chooses to marry.” Livinia took a deep breath and tried to compose herself. Theodora was an observant young girl; she would certainly notice if Livinia didn’t reply as she usually would.
“I guess it wouldn’t,” she said quietly, keeping her eyes on Livinia’s face.
I need to pull it together.
She pasted a smile on her lips and stood. “I don’t think we should be concerning ourselves with such matters right now. If anything happens, it will be far off in the future, and if it does, anyone Benedict chooses will help you enter Society. Try and think of these changes as good, and not something that will turn your world upside down.
I know my world will be upside down, but hers doesn’t have to be.
“I guess you’re right. He was going to marry Lady Eleanor before our parents died,” her voice trailed off as she returned her attention to the book she had finished.
Livinia looked back out the window. Fine rain had begun to fall in curtains, obscuring the world with an icy chill. It wouldn’t be long now until winter was at the door. A shiver ran down her spine despite the fire crackling in the grate. She wanted to cry, yet she wasn’t sure why.
It wasn’t as if Benedict had promised himself to her or even confessed his feelings. They had been attracted to one another and stepped over the line on more than one occasion. She reminded herself that she harboured no legal, emotional, or even logical right to his affections.
He had, after all, been the one who had asked her to leave. He’d protected her virtue as well as his own.
What if he loves her?
Her heart stilled in her chest as she raised a hand to her throat. Things seemed bleaker than she ever imagined they could be. Was this what the poets wrote about when they spoke of love forlorn?
Chapter 22
Livinia patted her waist where the letters were snuggly nestled into the fold of her dress. The earl had returned late from his outing, and the rest of the house had settled down for the evening. She knew she needed to confront him before losing her nerve.
Too much is going unsaid between us.
She took a deep breath and braced herself before placing her hand on the parlour door and stepping inside.
Benedict looked up from behind his small desk, his quill poised over the piece of parchment he had been writing on. “Miss Campbell, is something the matter?” He looked at her with a deep frown etched into his brow.
The fire crackled low behind the grate, filling the room with a light warmth that would have been inviting if it hadn’t been for the tense atmosphere in the room.
Livinia’s chest ached from the tension of holding her breath as she took a step forward with her hands clasped in front of her dress. “I did want to see you, My Lord. I hoped we’d have a moment alone to discuss a few matters.” She swallowed hard after working up the courage to proceed.
What had she been thinking confronting him in the middle of the night? Her palms were clammy from anxiety, and the pit of her stomach clenched with fear. Would he reject everything she had to say again, or would he finally see what she was trying to say?
“Go on then.” Benedict placed the tip of the quill back in the ink before sitting back in his chair.
“I wanted to first talk about things that have begun to change around here; Lady Theodora has raised her concerns about the matter more than once.” She began to find a little more courage in her approach. Benedict could not fault her for considering his sister’s well-being.
“And why has Lady Theodora not come to me directly with these concerns?” He cocked an eyebrow up in question as he waited for her response. The subtle way he rubbed his forefinger and thumb together let Livinia know she’d got his attention. He always focused on his fingers when he was trying his best to puzzle something out.
“I think it’s a matter of comfort, My Lord. Your sister has become quite fond of me in the time that I have been here. She trusts me enough to bring her concerns to me when she’s anxious, not that she doesn’t trust you,” she added quickly when Benedict continued to examine her face.
“I see,” he said and sat up straight, gesturing for her to take a seat opposite the desk.
Breathing a sigh of relief at having found a point on which to base her questions, Livinia took the seat on the other side of the desk and smoothed her dress. The letter she had hidden crumpled a little in the process, but that was a small price to pay if she could help Benedict see that something wasn’t right.
“What concerns has Lady Theodora brought to your attention?” Benedict asked once she had settled into her chair.
Her palms were still a bit clammy as she wiped her hands on her dress. What she really wanted to ask him was if he’d been visiting Eleanor during his disappearing acts, but that wasn’t something she could ask him directly without overstepping her position.
“It’s mainly the fear that too many things are changing all at once. She isn’t certain why you and I no longer speak as we used to in the parlour, or why you leave the house more than you used to.” She shut her mouth quickly when she realized she may have said a little more than she intended.
Benedict’s tongue ran over his bottom lip as he listened to her speak. “Are these Lady Theodora’s concerns or our own, Miss Campbell?” He looked her directly in the eyes as if he’d been anticipating the questions.
He knows things have changed.
She wondered if he’d been in the same kind of turmoil as she had been or if he was asking because he knew it bothered her. “I cannot say that the questions have not crossed my mind, but Lady Theodora voiced them.” She decided to be honest and gauge his reaction.
A look that Livinia couldn’t quite discern flashed in his eyes for a split second. “I will have a talk with Lady Theodora when the time comes, but I can assure you, Miss Campbell, that your position in the house will not change, nor is it in jeopardy. As for everything else, there will be a few more changes to come.”
Her heart beat faster as she waited for him to continue. Her position not being in question did little to calm her nerves. The way he said that her position in the house would not change brought an ominous foreboding to the front of her mind.
More changes are coming.
“It is high time that I take my duties as earl of this estate more seriously. And in realizing this, I will be asking Lady Eleanor Spencer to be my wife.” His words trailed off when he realized Livinia’s body had become rigid.
The blood running through her veins turned to ice in a matter of seconds as she focused on her shallow breathing.
He has been going to see her all this time.
