“I know there is the delicate matter of everything that has happened between us, but I want to assure you that I won’t let things get out of hand again. It was my fault that I placed you in such a precarious position,” Benedict continued to explain when Livinia failed to respond.
His words barely penetrated her mind as time stood still.
How can this be?
Her fingers curled over the armrests of her chair until her knuckles turned white. “Do you love her?” Her voice was barely above a whisper as she asked the first question that came to mind. She hadn’t even realized that Benedict had still been talking until he stopped mid-sentence.
“I know that the change won’t be easy …” He stopped and looked at her with an honest expression that tugged at her heart.
Time stood still as Livinia waited for his response.
What if he says yes?
Her heart felt like it would stop beating if he said he did. She wouldn’t want to stay on in her position and see him openly loving another woman. Running away wasn’t something she considered to be an honourable course, but it seemed like a more merciful one.
“No, can’t say that I do,” he said honestly after a moment’s hesitation.
The fog seemed to clear as a tiny spark of hope ignited in her chest. “Then why are you asking her to marry you?” Livinia lifted her head and looked him in the eyes. Despite their differing circumstances, the connection they had felt still lingered in their gazes, ever present like the ebbing of tides.
“Things cannot stay as they are; the estate needs an heir. These are my duties as the earl, and Lady Eleanor will be just as good as any other. It was what my mother would have wanted for me.” He barely concealed a deep sigh as he tore his gaze away from hers.
“Would your mother have wanted you to live a life bereft of love in your marriage? Lady Theodora has often spoken to me of your mother, and I think the late countess would have wanted you to be happy.” Her voice was almost pleading as she begged him to see reason.
Deep down, she knew that life had placed them in different circumstances and that there was no hope for them to be together. Yet if he married, she knew she wouldn’t be able to stay and see him with another woman. The torture would be too great for her as she withered away into nothing.
“My happiness does not matter in any of this, nor should it be any of your concern,” he said coolly and swallowed hard, obviously shaken by how she protested.
Livinia felt taken aback by his words as her lips parted slightly. Was the man oblivious to the moments they had shared? “I do not wish to overstep, My Lord, but I find it hard to believe that you think I wouldn’t care for your well-being after …” Her words were cut short when he snapped.
“Nothing should have happened between us; I do not wish to dwell on mistakes that were made in the past.” His words cut through her chest like an icy dagger.
“I see,” she eventually breathed once the air had returned to her lungs.
“Where are you going?” Benedict snapped again when Livinia came to her feet.
Whirling around, Livinia balled her fists at her side and glared at him.
“I am going to bed, My Lord. I am tired of your behaviour that is hot in one moment and then colder than ice the next. You may do whatever you like with the rest of your life. Nobody will be able to say that I didn’t try to warn you of the potential danger behind your decisions.” Hot tears pricked the back of her eyes, but Livinia didn’t care anymore. She had tortured herself for long enough where the earl was concerned.
“Livinia I …” Benedict began in a gentler voice.
“No, I don’t want to hear anything else you have to say. You have made your stance on the matter quite clear,” she snapped at him before fumbling with the folds of her dress and producing the letter in a hurry. “I have been quite foolish in allowing my heart to be toyed with.” She threw the letter on the desk in front of him without considering her words.
Tears flowed freely down her cheeks, but Livinia didn’t care anymore. He could see her cry; her position could be damned if he didn’t want to face the consequences of his actions.
“You can read the letter or burn it for all I care. I will keep my efforts confined to your sister and your sister alone.” She glared at him before using the back of her hand to wipe the stray tears from her cheeks.
Benedict seemed as if he were about to reach out to her over the desk, but Livinia took a step back.
“Know one thing, My Lord, that if it comes to a point where I know that Lady Theodora is in danger, I will move heaven and earth to keep her safe.” Her words carried the underlying message that took root in his eyes.
You are on your own from now on.
Her heart felt as if it would burst into a million pieces as she turned and fled from the room, shutting the door behind her just as she began to heave from the sobs.
Why am I reacting like this? I knew there was no chance of us ever being together.
Her chest heaved with silent tears as she shut her eyes against the pain. He didn’t love her, but that wouldn’t stop him from asking her to be his wife. His words came back to her like a sickly reminder of the dull ache that seemed as if it would live in her chest for the rest of her life.
Do I love him?
She asked herself the question that had been bothering her since earlier in the day when she’d seen him riding off into the sunset. He had been going to her. She swallowed the lump in her throat with a shaky breath before heading towards the stairs.
Hope was lost where Benedict was concerned; if he didn’t want to see the suspicion between Thomas and the woman he wanted to marry, then she would have to protect her charge.
Chapter 23
The earl sat quietly in his chair as the rest of the guests chattered happily in the parlour. His argument with Livinia left little time for him to inform her that guests would be over for dinner the following night. His mind was far from the pleasantries going on around him as he brooded over the tears he had seen in her eyes.
Does she love me?
The thought caught him off guard and sent his mind reeling in different directions. He had never wondered if Eleanor loved him, not even in the past when they had been so close to marriage. Their courtship had never once consisted of feelings that strayed beyond more than duty. They both knew from the start that marriage was required for people in their positions.
Will she ever love me?
His eyes strayed to Lady Eleanor from across the room. She was sitting beside a woman she had insisted upon inviting as part of their dinner guests. Her dark blue dress was flashy with puffed sleeves that shone in the light of the flickering fire.
“I would never allow myself to be seen in public with someone like that; she allowed herself to be jilted at the altar!” Eleanor drawled and rolled her eyes before sipping her tea.
