1. Foster a sense of agency in your kids. To raise principled rebels, youth must believe they can make a difference. Be responsive when your children share past explorations or future plans. Let them know that anxious thoughts and feelings are natural when trying new things and taking on challenges. Help your kids regulate their emotions.
2. Build your kids’ critical thinking skills. Principled insubordination hinges on a person’s ability to sift through information at their disposal, filter out useful stuff from the bullshit, and convince others to accept the useful stuff as well. Youth must become comfortable asking questions and distinguishing between high- and low-quality data. They must make a habit of suspending judgment, slowing down their analytical process and letting critical analysis run its course.
3. Expose kids to various forms of courage and give them the language to describe their own bravery. Teach kids to see themselves as “heroes in waiting”—the person who intervenes when injustice presents itself.
Epilogue: Whipping Up Your Next Rebellion Masterpiece
How to get started with the non-conformist’s cookbook
I’ve intended this book to be a most unusual kind of cookbook. You haven’t learned how to roast a chicken or bake the perfect soufflé. There’s nothing in here about preheating the oven to 350 degrees or where and how to buy fresh scrod. Those are important to know, but these days we have an existential need for a different kind of knowledge: how to unleash progress via principled insubordination. Follow the recipe steps in this book, and you’ll become a stronger, wiser, principled insubordinate as well as a more open-minded, supportive ally. If millions of us follow these steps, we’ll build a safer, more prosperous, more dynamic, and more harmonious society.
To get started, go back and reread Part I of the book. As we’ve seen, the act of advocating for ideas that might improve the longevity and vitality of groups is costly for the rebel and destabilizes groups in the short term. Creativity inspires a range of emotions, from appreciation to loathing. Guiding other people toward a better way is a journey fraught with anxious thoughts and feelings. Before you get started changing the world, take some time to really feel the dilemma that dissenters of the status quo confront every day.
Next, as you start applying the tools and guidance contained in Parts II and III of this book, be patient. To influence as many people as possible with a new idea, you have to introduce it slowly and methodically. It also takes time to build new skills and aptitudes related to insubordination. As with an exercise or diet regimen, it’s often hard and awkward at the beginning, and you need to pursue a routine diligently in the hope of seeing gains. Make it a habit to work with the uncomfortable thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations that arise, bearing in mind that it often takes about six to eight weeks for self-improvement interventions to work.
As you work at being a better rebel, take good care of yourself. Questioning orthodoxy tests you mentally, physically, and emotionally. You cannot be an effective insubordinate without self-care. The basics are important: sleep, exercise, stress reduction. Also reflect on the toxic, energy-sapping characters in your social network and consider pruning them or at least finding a way to minimize contact. Also, use the concrete tools in the Psychological Flexibility Dashboard for handling emotionally intense situations.
At all times, stay principled. Remember, if you’re fortunate enough to triumph as a longtime rebel, you’ll be inclined to denigrate and reject those who failed to champion the cause early. Resist this vengeance impulse. Stay true to the same values that served you earlier in your rebellion. Continue to appreciate and welcome skepticism and criticism, regardless of its source. Extend an olive branch to former doubters and adversaries. Publicly affirm that differences of opinion, disagreement, and difference are worthy of celebration.
When you find yourself in the audience, questioning whether a principled rebel offers any value, rely on the twin virtues of humility and curiosity. Be realistic about how little you know. Upon discovering new information, be prepared to update your own thinking. The beauty of humility and curiosity is that it leaves you with a sense of ease. You no longer feel the pressure to defend your views, or show that you are right, smart, and likable. Be open to change and you will enjoy yourself more while also potentially improving your life with newer, better ideas.
In group settings, stay on the alert for signs of discord and discontents as well as the opposite: pressures on individuals to conform, cohere, cooperate, and put on a cheerful face. You won’t get divergent thinking and unique perspectives unless you modify the culture to allow a wider range of voices to permeate. Support every measure that reduces the tendency of group members to follow the loudest, most popular, most talkative, or most distinguished. Let the best ideas arise from anyone, anywhere.
Non-conformity is a vital part of being human, a potential consequence of our inherent individuality. We all possess a unique genotype, life history, and personality profile. Our mix of interests, aspirations, and social relationships are different from anyone else’s. As you use this book, remember that what will most benefit the world is not what you share in common with others but what sets you apart. Push hard into your uniqueness and help others do the same. Do it boldly and compassionately. Whether you succeed or not, it’s the only way to reach your human potential.
Acknowledgments
This is a deeply personal book. My twin brother and I grew up as part of the racial minority in a predominantly Black neighborhood. Roxanne, the single mother who raised us, shouldered a large financial and social burden. I appreciated her then. Now that I’m a father, I appreciate her more.
Early on, I identified as a non-conformist, an outlier, someone who is different. In my youth, without a father figure, I possessed few role models for being a man. I learned by observing and deconstructing. In terms of how to play sports, how to ride a bike, how to be witty, how to attract friends and lovers, how to respond to verbal taunting and physical provocations, I learned through trial and error. Growing up, I had grade school teachers, neighbors, family, friends, and bosses who helped me rethink adversity. They helped me identify how being an outsider builds fortitude. I owe immense gratitude to each of these unnamed catalysts who kept me on a healthy path.
I wrote the book that would have benefitted me, a teenager whose mother died at the age of thirty-nine. A user-friendly handbook that would have helped me as a young adult trying to manage my own psychology. A touchstone to return to for advice throughout adulthood, especially while raising three daughters. It pains me that my mother will never see the culmination of her sacrifices. Never meeting three granddaughters who carry her legacy. Like all my writings, this book is devoted to my mother. Her legacy continues to expand outward.
I have a large set of family and friends who are responsible for transforming a fledgling idea into what is in your hands. For more than twenty years, I have been fortunate to lead a diverse set of intelligent, creative, insightful thinkers in my Well-Being Laboratory at George Mason University. I would be less productive, less creative, and derive far less pleasure, meaning, and moments of flow without them. Many have no idea how much I gained from their efforts and perspectives. Special thanks to the wide-ranging contributions of Anna Lewis (the female Sherlock Holmes), Angela Furst, Aslihan Imamogl, Bradley Brown, David Disabato, David Choi, David Hamlette, James Doorley, Kerry Kelso, Laura Wallace, Logan Craig, Sai Kanuri, and Shely Benitah. I also appreciate the hundreds of students enrolled in my “Science of Well-Being” course who allowed me to experiment with many of the ideas in this book.
Over twenty-three years I have collaborated with an amazing set of researchers. There are too many to name, but thankfully our work is immortalized in the annals of science. I feel intense gratitude when viewing the list of scientific articles we published together in journals and the hundreds of conference posters and talks we shared with the larger community. I will resist listing the large number of scientists who contributed to this book by sharing their unpublished research and answering a barrage of questions via email, phone call, and face-to-face conversation. You will find much of their work in the endnotes. Consider reading their original work referenced along with their additional contributions that can be found online.
Solitude is the most frequent state as a scientist and writer. To cope with these moments, I am grateful for the vitality, support, brilliance, wisdom, and playfulness of friends, relatives, colleagues, and acquaintances who unknowingly provided essential ideas, stories, and criticisms. As a hobby, I collect interesting characters who I want to meld worlds with. You know who you are. The fire pit gatherings, strolls, soccer sideline interactions, and long-lasting bouts of whiskey and cigars kept me sane and tranquil both before and during the pandemic. In times of war, I would sacrifice my body and livelihood to protect at least 71.8 percent of you.
I had a few members of my wise council who offered particularly significant contributions. Fallon Goodman, you are one of my favorite people on the planet. Your candor, integrity, and intellectual contributions cannot be easily quantified. Bouncing ideas off you is something I will always treasure. Our banter, laughter, discussions, and debates elevate the quality of my life and this book. Patrick McKnight, you are my lifelong collaborator. Brothers from a different mother on this journey through life and science. If there is one reason I relished sixteen years working at George Mason University, it is our time together. Robert Biswas-Diener, you are one of the most creative thinkers I’ve ever met. Writing the previous book with you, conducting workshops with you, and simply spending a dozen hours on the phone per week with you, supercharges me. The more lobes, the better; and the three of you continue to be my ultimate intellectual nourishment. I refuse to imagine an existence where I don’t have access to your minds and hearts.
Seth Schulman, you are one of the most compelling writers I know. Working with you on this book has been a privilege. I will be touting your strengths until the end of my days.
Many writers dream of finding an agent, any agent. Christy Fletcher has been a blessing. She makes things happen with the ideal combination of skepticism and perseverance. As a compassionate sage, she often understands what I should be doing or could be doing better than I do. Since we started working together, I have known for every second that she is the ideal partner on this mission. Thank you for taking a chance on me.
There is something beautiful about working with the same editor on multiple books. You learn and grow together. Caroline Sutton, you know exactly how to motivate me, and how to tweak my thinking and writing. With exquisite agility, you know when to criticize and when to praise. Talking to you, working with you, is rewarding and effortless. I am infinitely richer for having you on my side. The same can be said for working with the league of extraordinary individuals at Avery: Casey Maloney, Farin Schlussel, Hannah Steigmeyer, Anne Kosmoski, and Roshe Anderson. When surrounded by people who know their craft so well, you relinquish the reins and observe in awe. I find myself doing this often with the Avery crew.
There are additional members of my wise council who keep my life in perspective. Barry and Marilyn Spitz are my second set of parents. I cherish watching them converse with seven grandchildren—never underestimating their capacities, always listening, always mesmerizing them with an unusual idea, tale, or question.
Barry is my role model for how to be a dad and grandfather. If a fulfilling life is about the capacity to love and be loved, and a collection of rich interesting experiences, then Barry is legendary. I took notes from his lessons. A lot of notes. I carry a little Barry on my shoulders, feeling the warmth and stability of his presence until the end of days. Barry died from COVID-19 during the early stages of writing this book. A preventable event if just a few f$#%ing principled insubordinates had stood up, spoken up, and challenged failed leadership in the United States. I waited for them to appear, and they never did. I write this book in hope of incubating an armada of principled insubordinates who will be ready and active in preventing the next tragedy. Do it for Barry and the hundreds of thousands of others who died needlessly.
My family is the most important part of my life, and Sarah is the fountainhead. We feel loved and cared for in her presence. She is intentional in creating a kinder, more benevolent world. Pushing everyone to offer a bit more generosity and concern for those in need. Anyone who knows her is in a better state of mind because of her.
This book is for my three daughters, Chloe, Raven, and Violet, who are my greatest sources of happiness, meaning, and psychological richness. I treasure your every act of principled rebellion and will always be your champion.
Notes
CHAPTER 1: THE CRITICAL IMPORTANCE OF CARTWHEELING IN THE LIBRARY
Charles Darwin didn’t invent: We can boil down the theory of evolution into four words: variation, selection, retention, and competition. Variation: a variety of creatures exist with distinct qualities that may or may not help them survive and breed. Selection: creatures possessing qualities that improve their survival and reproductive success will outwit and outlast the rest. Retention: different survival rates for different qualities eventually produce creatures who function exquisitely well in their particular environments. Competition: there will always be pressures such as rivals and climatic conditions that test whether or not certain qualities remain best suited for maintaining a healthy lineage of descendants. Here are my eight favorite books on evolutionary theory: Richard Dawkins, The Greatest Show on Earth: The Evidence for Evolution (London: Bantam, 2009); Daniel Dennett, Darwin’s Dangerous Idea (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1995); Jared Diamond, Guns, Germs, and Steel: The Fates of Human Societies (New York: Norton, 1997); Douglas T. Kenrick and Vladas Griskevicius, The Rational Animal: How Evolution Made Us Smarter Than We Think (New York: Basic Books, 2013); Geoffrey Miller, Spent: Sex, Evolution and Consumer Behavior (New York: Penguin/Putnam, 2009); Steven Pinker, The Blank Slate (New York: Viking, 2002); Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá, Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality (New York: Harper, 2010); Robert Wright, The Moral Animal: Evolutionary Psychology and Everyday Life (New York: Vintage Books, 1994).
GO TO NOTE REFERENCE IN TEXT
preface toOn the Origin of Species: Charles Darwin, On the Origin of Species by Means of Natural Selection (London: Murray, 1859); Curtis Neal Johnson, “The Preface to Darwin’s Origin of Species: The Curious History of the ‘Historical Sketch,’ ” Journal of the History of Biology 40, no. 3 (2007): 529–56, https://doi.org/10.1007/s10739-006-9118-0.
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Al-Jahiz wondered why certain animals: In his opus, he strove to grasp the mechanisms underlying animal competition to avoid being eaten and breed. Upon observing dozens of animal species, he pointed out, “Environmental factors influence organisms to develop new characteristics to ensure survival, thus transforming them into new species. Animals that survive to breed can pass on their successful characteristics to their offspring.” His book, Kitab al-Hayawan, or The Book of Animals, mesmerized the Muslim world. A reminder of how luck and circumstance play a role in fame and fortune. See Abī ‘Uthmān ‘Amru Ibn Baḥr al-Jāḥiẓ, Kitāb Al-ḥayawān (Kairo: Maktabat Muṣṭafā al-Bābī al-Halabī, n.d.).
GO TO NOTE REFERENCE IN TEXT
Al-Jahiz’s patron: Muḥammad ibn ʿAbd al-Malik, nicknamed Ibn al-Zayyat. One might argue that trying to remember these names is one of the many reasons Darwin is given greater credit in the discovery of evolutionary theory. See Rebecca Stott, Darwin’s Ghosts: The Secret History of Evolution (New York: Spiegel & Grau Trade Paperbacks, 2012), 57.
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executed him inside an iron maiden: Stott, Darwin’s Ghosts.
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