6. When your kids get stuck on a problem, don’t offer solutions but instead feed them helpful hints (“I wonder if you . . .” or “It might be easier if you started with . . .”). Remind them that making mistakes is part of the learning process.
7. Acknowledge your kids’ perspective and experience. Show compassion for the difficulty of a task. Remind them of what it was like for you as a beginner. Explain why you aren’t giving them the answer (“You will remember this far better and longer by working through it on your own”).
8. Avoid statements with words like “should” and “ought,” as these suggest that there is a right and wrong way of arriving at solutions. Let kids experiment and come to their own conclusions.
REBEL-MAKER PRINCIPLE 4: HELP YOUR KIDS SPOT BULLSHIT
Principled insubordination hinges on a person’s ability to sift through information at their disposal, filter out useful stuff from the bullshit, and convince others to accept the useful stuff as well. To raise young rebels, you must help them supercharge their critical thinking skills so that they are more alert to bullshit ideas when they appear. The point is not to render youth cynical, but rather to teach them to take a “trust but verify” approach to information. Youth must become comfortable asking questions and distinguishing between high- and low-quality data. They must make a habit of suspending judgment, slowing down their analytical process, and letting critical analysis run its course.
Parents and teachers can foster critical thinking skills by posing reflective questions when kids come to seemingly incorrect or ill-formed judgments. Let’s say you’re at a pool party, and your teenager and their friends are debating whether homosexuality is a choice. Don’t bludgeon them with scientific evidence pro or con. Don’t force them to change their belief systems. Ask them questions, and let them pose questions, too. Prompt them to engage in thought experiments such as the following: “Imagine a bomb is attached to your leg, and you are attached to a video monitor that shows you incredibly physically attractive men and women and a heart rate monitor to determine whether you are physically aroused. Could you change which sex you are physically attracted to? What if your life depended on it and the bomb would go off if you didn’t stop your heart fluttering when you see a hot man and raise your heart rate when you see a hot woman?” As parents and educators, we must help kids learn how to think instead of what to think.
Middle and high school students should take classes in which they don’t simply download information from lectures but learn, write, think, and argue about society’s most controversial ideas. They should learn about the workings of the brain that prevent us from reacting in purely rational ways (see the list of cognitive distortions in chapter 3). And they should have fun. Kids can only improve their thinking skills when learning engages them emotionally, and when they have the freedom to mess up and become confused at times.
SIX QUESTIONS THAT ENCOURAGE KIDS TO EVALUATE INFORMATION QUALITY
1. “Are you putting too much trust in authority figures?” Fancy titles, age, and years of training do not tell us whether experts are giving us accurate information. Double-check their statements. Search for and read the exact information from which they draw conclusions. Check to see if they are exaggerating or misinterpreting the data.
2. “Do certain alleged experts have incentives to push particular claims?” Be skeptical of people who really, really (really!) want a claim to be true. Don’t rely on people whose paycheck depends on a particular conclusion. Be on the lookout for psychological conflicts of interest, situations in which people invested substantial time, energy, and money to arrive at a particular outcome. Be wary when people start with the conclusion they want and then work backward to present supportive evidence and discard or dismiss contradictory evidence.
3. “Does a speaker encourage debate?” Be cautious when someone presents an idea and refuses critical questions, comments, and contradictions. Until you find out whether something is accurate, it remains a hypothesis. Stay cautious about ideas until genuine debate occurs, and seek out that debate. In doing so, think of yourself as a juror, editor, or scientist instead of a lawyer trying to “win” the case. The goal isn’t to develop a hypothesis that turns out to be right. It’s to separate fact from fiction, signal from noise.
4. “Does the information fit with the way the world works?” Although open-mindedness is a virtue, some possibilities are less plausible than others. Notice whether a piece of information or an explanation requires a number of mental leaps. When you notice weak links in the chain of an argument, treat this as a moment to be skeptical.
5. “Where does the preponderance of evidence point?” It’s hard to resolve complicated, big issues with any single study or observation. If various lines of evidence point in the same direction, our confidence increases. If different people collect the evidence independently in different ways, our confidence increases even more. Resist seduction by a single, compelling person or story line in the moment and check for independent verification by others.
6. “Does verifiable evidence exist?” Be wary of people who rely on compelling, emotionally intense stories as evidence, and of arguments conveyed in ways that prevent you from testing their legitimacy.
REBEL-MAKER PRINCIPLE 5: TELL STORIES OF SUCCESSFUL AND UNSUCCESSFUL PRINCIPLED INSUBORDINATION
Youth benefit when they learn about the messy life stories of successful and unsuccessful insubordinates. Dr. Yannis Hadzigeorgiou from the University of the Aegean spent ten years testing the tantalizing hypothesis that teaching kids about the process of scientific discovery—the intellectual arguments between scientists, the emotions they experience during their work, the social relationships they form, and the politics of science—helps kids to appreciate STEM subjects (science, technology, engineering, and mathematics). Dr. Hadzigeorgiou had sixteen-year-olds learn about the life and times of Nikola Tesla, rival to Thomas Edison and known as “the forgotten genius of electricity.” Edison and Tesla attempted to solve the same riddle: how can you best transmit wireless electrical currents in a safe, reliable manner? As Hadzigeorgiou found, the teenagers relished the drama of scientific discovery (in this case, they learned that the young Tesla worked for his hero Edison before a betrayal led him to quit). Tesla went on to produce over seven hundred registered patents but faced Edison’s wrath throughout his career. Edison allegedly paid someone to burn down Tesla’s laboratory and blocked funding opportunities.
Immersing themselves in Tesla’s story, teenagers came away impressed by the workings of principled insubordination. “It was because Tesla’s ideas sounded crazy that he was not fully accepted by the academic community,” one student wrote in his science class journal. “Never pour scorn on scientific ideas however strange or even crazy they may seem and sound at first,” wrote another student. Researchers found that students exposed to this story-based approach to teaching acquired and retained a larger number of scientific facts and experienced a greater sense of wonder. Both girls and boys showed a greater appreciation and willingness to contest widely accepted ideas compared with peers taught using a traditional, lecture-based approach.
Other work found that teaching middle school children about another underappreciated principled insubordinate, the civil rights figure Elizabeth Jennings (discussed in chapter 3), not only enhanced their understanding of history but promoted psychological strengths. Researchers asked kids to identify what they know about civil rights in the United States, what they want to learn, and what was surprising and interesting about the story of Elizabeth Jennings. Instead of regurgitating dysfunctional views held in the late nineteenth and early twentieth century, kids recognized the limitations of viewing the past through the morality of the present, articulating what they might have done differently had they lived during that period. Applying a historical lens, they showed signs of empathy, perspective-taking, and wisdom.
As this research suggests, educators and parents can train the next generation to fight unapologetically for unpopular yet socially beneficial causes by recounting stories of past insubordinates. Further, parents and teachers can encourage kids to develop nontraditional interpretations of principled insubordinates. Kids can closely study famous insubordinates, probing their missteps and moral failings as well as their nonlinear paths to success. Using biographical information, kids can reflect on the importance of getting out of one’s comfort zone, taking risks, and acting on one’s values.
Our kids also require exposure to the trade-offs of choosing the path of principled insubordination. By being honest about the negative consequences that come with questioning dominant thinking, kids can make better decisions about whether a mission is worth sacrifices they might have to make. Have kids relate the stories they encounter back to their own lives. Have them compare how they decided to stand out against the herd or not, why they believe their decision was good or bad, and what they learned and plan to apply to upcoming challenges.
REBEL-MAKER PRINCIPLE 6: TEACH BRAVERY
As we’ve seen throughout this book, principled insubordinates are nothing if not brave. If we want to raise kids capable of challenging the status quo, we must teach them what bravery is. Start by informing them that bravery comes in a number of flavors—it isn’t just physical bravery. When someone proves themselves willing to defend a cause against powerful people and even an entire society, they exhibit moral courage. Think of Cheryl Kennedy and Marty Goddard traversing the rugged path between cowardice and recklessness. These rebels sacrificed health, well-being, and career prospects to stand up for moral causes. Or think of Nichelle Nichols, William Shatner, and Gene Roddenberry producing the first interracial kiss on television. When someone overcomes a personal limitation, they display personal courage. A courageous act for one person, such as speaking in front of a room full of people or confronting a father about favoritism toward siblings, may be trivial if performed by another. Other forms of courage include the calculated risk of honesty (speaking the truth) and authenticity (presenting yourself as you actually are) when the majority is not yet on your side. Think of Fugazi playing their own unique style of music and never selling out, or Rick Barry throwing underhanded “granny shots” as huge crowds of disgusted basketball fans looked on, or Dr. Ignaz Semmelweis attempting to convince his peers that washing hands saves patient lives.
Expose kids to various forms of courage and give them the language to describe ways they themselves are brave. Point out instances when your kids act bravely, when you behave courageously, and when others behave in cowardly ways. As regards the last of these, don’t denigrate the actors. Instead, ask children and adolescents what they think and might feel and do in a similar situation. You don’t want kids to feel pressured or strong-armed into behaving courageously. You don’t want them to feel that affection is contingent on courageous behavior. Let kids know that you have behaved in brave ways, in cowardly ways, and in ambiguous ways as well.
Deepen your kids’ understanding of courage by relating it to fear. The defining quality of courage is not fearless action, but the willingness to take a worthwhile risk despite feeling afraid. Thanks to the insights of philosophers and social scientists, we can convert courage into the following formula:
Courage = Willingness to Act ÷ Fear
As this formula suggests, there are two ways of being courageous. First, we can tackle our fears about whether we can overcome or subdue barriers. One of the biggest reasons 1,312 federal employees refused to be whistleblowers after obtaining “direct evidence of one or more illegal or wasteful activities” where they worked was a fear of retaliation. Fear of retribution is the number one reason why youth do not report bullying problems to adults. In chapter 6, we learned strategies for building mental fortitude: Understand what you are feeling. Create a space between what you feel and how you respond. Ask yourself about the function of these unwanted emotions. What is your fear trying to communicate?
Second, we can increase our capacity to make progress toward personally important goals despite our fears. In chapter 6, we learned to clarify what and who makes a cause important enough to risk physical, reputational, or financial damage. Courageousness is not some level you unlock after a sufficient number of training hours. Rather, it’s a series of small choices that you make over time. Teach kids to anticipate and relish these decision points. They will have many opportunities to test their physical bravery, moral courage, persistence, honesty, and authenticity. Encourage them not only to accept the challenge but to seek it out. Each time they choose to behave courageously, they can take pride in it. Viewing courage as a series of choices in itself boosts their willingness to act.
Teach kids to think of themselves as heroes in waiting—the person who intervenes to protect a stranger from an aggressive bully or who takes the time to support a grieving friend. All too often, good-hearted people fail to step up and behave courageously because they fall prey to the “bystander effect.” With others present, they feel less likely to intervene to assist or accomplish a task, assuming that those others will act. Psychologists identified five factors that increase the odds of taking action in dangerous and non-dangerous social situations: paying attention and noticing a problem; realizing that the situation is urgent; feeling a sense of personal responsibility; believing you have the skills to be helpful; and reaching a conscious decision to help. Teach your kids these five factors and their importance, celebrating those rare individuals who step up and do the right thing in the face of danger.
Unlike other forms of education, courage training requires that you carefully consider your child’s unique qualities, including their temperament, personality, past history, and existing environment. Tailor the training to your child and how they view fear. Remember, their personal resources and limitations are much different from yours and those of any other adult. Don’t alienate children by referring to their fears as unfounded. Don’t impose your worldview. Instead, empathize with theirs. Offer choices and break down conquering fears into small, manageable steps, ratcheting down the pressure your kid might feel to perform. Approach a fearful child with patience. Build them up slowly, rewarding every bit of courage you can detect. Play the long game here, showing them that they can in fact learn to reframe fear and behave bravely over time.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO CHANGE TODAY?
Not long ago, I volunteered to assist the teacher in my youngest daughter’s classroom. It was an ordinary scene that day. Bells ringing throughout the morning to tell kids where to go and when with near military precision. Lesson plans dutifully followed to cover the ABCs one minute and basic addition and subtraction the next. But then something unexpected happened. I went rogue. The teacher took a break and let me play guest teacher. After introducing myself, I proposed a little lesson of my own, writing a single formula on the board: 1 + 1 + 1 = 4. I paused for a moment to let it sink in, then asked the class, “How can this equation be true?”
The class sat in silence. Then one little girl raised her hand. Rather than calling on her, I simply handed her the chalk. She walked to the front of the room and began to draw lines on the board, counting as she went.
She handed back the chalk and walked to her seat as her fake teacher and the entire class soaked it in. She hadn’t even made it to her chair before several kids nodded and said, “Oh yeah,” and, “Of course.” Then I saw it too. Obviously 1 + 1 + 1 add up to 3, but three distinct lines also make up the number four. Wow. Pretty damn cool. Not to mention bold. It took confidence for this little girl to respond to my provocation at all, but she did more, risking ridicule by proffering a rebellious answer. She might not have processed this risk in the handwringing way adults would, but she deviated from the crowd and the norm set by teachers and parents nonetheless. All of the children in the classroom knew how they were supposed to respond: “But Mr. Kashdan, 1 + 1 +1 doesn’t equal 4!”
As this episode suggests, even a single insubordinate can liberate a group whose thoughts, ideas, and actions are otherwise frozen by social pressure to conform. A simple move, one both purposeful and open to whatever may follow, flips the balance of power. In the face of principled insubordination, the majority must once again prove the value of their ideas. They can no longer rely on an ethic of “This is the way we’ve always done it.” When the status quo appears wanting, that same simple, open, and purposeful act reveals new possibilities. In this case, other kids suddenly felt inspired to present their own “deviant” ideas. A slew of hands went up, each child offering a new answer to this “impossibly true” equation. In an instant, the norm’s oppressive power was broken. Play and possibility took over. New ideas formed. The desire to contribute skyrocketed. A tribe of future non-conformists was born.
I triggered this symphony of defiance because I wanted to do my part to educate kids that it was okay to take risks and speak out. If our species is to survive, all of us must steer the next generation to be more adept at non-conformity than we were. By incubating principled rebels, we’ll put our future in the hands of courageous men and women who will have a voice and use it. Rather than punish or snuff out insubordinates, our kids will come to recognize rebelliousness as their generation’s superpower—the key to its success—and unleash it. They’ll courageously question, challenge, dismantle, and replace dysfunctional systems with something better.
THE BIG IDEA
Perhaps the most profound way to breed principled rebels is the simplest. You and I must lead by example, becoming more rebellious ourselves and more solicitous of others’ insubordination.
Now that you’ve finished this book, you possess an arsenal of scientific research, tools, tactics, and strategies to win others to your cause and to render yourself and your social groups more welcoming of non-conformity. Put these assets to use. Dedicate yourself to cultivating principled insubordination. Even if you’ve tended to avoid “rocking the boat,” even if you’ve resisted or denigrated those who have rebelled, it’s not too late to change. There is too much needless pain in this world, too much injustice, inequality, inefficiency, and just plain wrongheadedness. It’s up to you to do something about it. Before you put down this book, ask yourself one simple question: what am I going to change today? Our children are watching you. Do it for them.
RECIPE STEPS
