The skin on my knuckles was cut open and I thought that I could even see the white protrusion of a tiny piece of splintered bone. But I didn’t care. I only hoped that I broke her nose or gave her one hell of a black eye. At the very least, I would be happy for a concussion; anything that would cause her a tiny fraction of the pain that she had caused others.

“We should wrap that up while we’re still here and have supplies at hand,” Michael said as he turned to walk toward the bathroom.

I didn’t want to wait, though. I wanted to leave this house and go home. Not necessarily to Charlotte, in fact I dreaded going back there. But I wanted to get back to the mountainside cabin in Asheville, and if this was the way to do it then I wanted to get it done and then be able to return home again. I sat down on a chair in the kitchen and waited for him to return.

He appeared a moment later with a handful of gauze wraps and antiseptic.

When Michael poured the antiseptic onto my open skin, I didn’t even flinch even though I could see it sizzling against my raw flesh and felt the burning sting.

“Wow,” he said. “Doesn’t that hurt you?”

“Nothing really hurts much anymore,” I answered flatly.

It was true, too. I felt like almost everything was numb, almost. My feelings for the guys still gnawed at my soul as if I was being eaten alive from the inside out, but aside from that, nothing else really mattered. My mother’s vision mattered, and that I would make sure to accomplish for her. But when I had finished, I would go back to the cabin with Michael and we would finally be free and happy. I would tell Adam and Rob about my choice, and they would probably move somewhere close by so that we could all still hang out, but far enough away that we would have privacy, and they would be able to move on and find someone else.

In my head, the fantasy of that happily ever after wasn’t a fantasy at all.

In my head, that was the goal that I would work toward.

“How long do you think it will take to get the sanctuary up and running?” I asked Michael while he wrapped the white gauze around my hand.

The fabric quickly turned a muddy-reddish color as the blood pushed up against it.

“Well,” he said as he contemplated my question, “with all of the financial resources that you now have, and with all four of us working on getting it off the ground, I can’t imagine it would take longer than a few months. You have enough money to hire an army of people to work for you if you wanted, and maybe you should.”

I blinked. “Should what, hire an army of people?”

He chuckled. “Yeah. I mean, I know you want to honor your mother’s wish, but I just don’t want it to take too long. I want to get back to us. Is that selfish of me?”

I laughed a little, both from the pinch of the clasp that he pressed down onto the bandage to keep it from coming off, and from the fact that I felt exactly the same way. “No, it’s not selfish at all. I want that too. That’s why I asked the question to begin with.”

Michael smiled and leaned forward to kiss me. And the kiss probably would have lasted longer, had it not been for Adam clearing his throat in the doorway to get our attention. “Sorry to break up this little moment of intimacy inside this house where someone just died and we just knocked out a crazy woman,” he said sarcastically, “but Rob and I are getting tired of waiting in the car and it’s probably not the best idea to leave Naomi in there unattended. So, can we go now?”

“Yeah,” I said as I stood up and tucked the paperwork and journal under my arm. “Let’s go.”

Michael started for the door. “I’ll drive first.”

Naomi was in the passenger seat so that she could be fully tied down and not close enough to anyone to be able to do anything stupid. I rode in the back in between Rob and Adam.

It was still the middle of the night, so the roadways were dark, and I was tired. I had gotten used to being tired all the time.

It was almost as if exhaustion was my new shade of eyeshadow because the area around my eyes was always purple.

I leaned up against Adam’s shoulder and looked at the side of Naomi’s face, which I could just barely see from around her seatback. She looked so much like my mother and it made me sad. It made me sad because I missed my mom so badly that I wanted to scream until I broke my voice box. But it also made me sad because I wanted her not to be crazy. I wanted her to be sane, and kind, and I wanted to be able to know her and have at least someone alive that knew my mom, that I could talk to about her.

I knew that I could always talk to the guys, but that was different.

This was my mom’s sister.

I bet she could tell me things about my mom when she was my age and about her childhood and funny stories from her past. She could tell me about my mom’s hopes and dreams as a young adult, and that was information that I longed to know about my mother so badly that it hurt.

I didn’t even notice that I was silently crying until I felt Adam’s finger wipe away the wetness from my cheek.

“Hey,” he said softly as Rob slept on the other side of the car by me. “What is it?”

For a brief moment, I couldn’t answer him. I knew that if I tried to say anything, it would just come out as a cry. Even when I thought I had my emotions under control, my voice still cracked when I said the words, the simple truth that haunted me even after all this time.

“I miss my mom,” I whimpered.

Adam frowned as he empathized with my anguish. He pulled me closer into him and kissed the top of my head as he rubbed his fingers alongside my shoulder.

“I know you do,” he said in a comforting tone that felt like a verbal hug. “I miss her too, and I didn’t even know her that well. Your mom was a very special woman, and so are you.”

“No, I’m not,” I said with a sniffle. “I’m a wreck. I keep trying to do the right thing and I keep failing at it.”

Adam lifted my chin up with his fingers so that my face was nearly right against his. “You listen to me, Lisette. You are not a wreck. You are one of the strongest women that I have ever known. You have been through unimaginable things, and yet still you try to avenge and honor your mother. Even when the people around you are trying to talk you out of it so that we can selfishly get back to the lives we want to have with you, you hold steadfast. You are every single bit as strong and special as your mother was. She would be proud of you if she were here to see all that you have overcome and all that you continue to persevere through. I am proud of you too.”

I looked up into his face and I soaked up every bit of comfort that he was giving to me. I felt like I needed that reassurance more than I even needed the air I was breathing. Adam tilted his head down and softly pressed his lips to mine. And when our lips touched, fireworks went off behind my eyes. My brain spun on its axis as my heart started beating incessantly out of control. I needed this, and I needed him.

I needed all of them in my life.

I hadn’t realized it before, but I needed to reconnect with them in every way in order to feel the closure of having left them the way that I did. I needed to feel physically close to each of them. Again, in order to heal the mess that was churning around in my mind about everything. So, when we got to Charlotte, and after we got Naomi settled in some sort of confinement, I needed to connect with them once more.

My sanity depended on it.

I slid my tongue into Adam’s mouth and my hand that rested on his lap felt his immediate reaction as the crux of his pants began to fill and rise. When our mouths parted, because it was too much torture to keep our mouths pressed together within the confines of the car and no further intimacy possible right here, I caught a glance of Michael’s reflection in the rearview mirror.

He looked as if he was fuming with jealousy and his reaction caught me off guard.

I knew it would feel a little awkward for him to be around the other guys after I told him that I chose him. But I didn’t expect it to be such an immediate and potent jealousy. I could see in his fervent stare, that now that Michael knew I had chosen him, he didn’t want to share me with the other guys anymore.

I had made a fatal miscalculation of my own.

And I worried it would result in the death of my relationships with the other guys just to keep Michael in my life.

6

Our first task once we arrived back in Charlotte was to secure a new building.

The guys and I had discussed the fact that building from the ground up was too ambitious and that we just needed to find a warehouse, or a big old house, or something that we could turn into a group home of sorts. The drive back had been long, and even though the guys all took turns driving, it was exhausting. We managed to keep Naomi out cold the entire time, thanks to a few of the pain pills that Adam had swiped from the hospital.

I yelled at him at first, thinking that maybe a drug problem was rearing its ugly head, but he assured me that he had only swiped them in case I had needed them.

He knew that I was too stubborn to admit needing help and thought that maybe I would end up being in more pain that I had expected after the hospital discharged me. They ended up being perfect for keeping Naomi peacefully drugged-up and asleep the entire ride.

When we arrived in Charlotte, it was early morning and none of us had gotten more than a few sporadic minutes of sleep on the drive. We were all having trouble thinking clearly due to fatigue, and we knew that we would need to be able to deal with Naomi when she finally woke up.