If your peers are doing it: “I heard that someone in your class is pregnant. That’s a lot to think about—that’s going to be a big change for them. It certainly makes you think about how pregnancy might impact your life. You know that pregnancy isn’t guaranteed when people have sex, but when sperm and eggs are involved, it’s almost always possible, even when you’re careful. We haven’t ever told you how long you have to wait to have sex—other than to make sure you knew your brain and body weren’t ready as you were starting puberty—but thinking about how long you might want to wait is definitely something you should be doing as you get closer to getting into more serious relationships.”
“I want to remind you that if you do decide to have sex, you can and should come to me to make sure you’re using effective contraceptives. Birth control—whether condoms, the pill, an implant, or another device—is always important to use. You also need to remember that preventing pregnancy is not the only reason to use protection—you also want to prevent sexually transmitted infections. So if you need protection, or need help changing the kind of protection you’re using, please come to me, or another safe adult.”
The myth of tacit permission: “It might feel like by talking about sex with me that I’ll ‘give you permission’ at some point, but I can’t do that—I don’t get to make choices about your body that way. Only you get to make that choice. But if you feel like I can or should give you permission to have sex, do you think you’re ready yet? Part of knowing that you’re ready to have sex is feeling like you don’t have to explain it to me or anyone else—when you’re ready, you should feel empowered and confident in the choice.”
If there is any risk of later doubt, should you do it?: “Oh man, Mack looked really bummed—did he and Brandon break up? Oh, they didn’t? What’s up—I mean, if you want to talk about it. Do you want a Free Pass? Sure, I won’t bring it up after tonight. Oh boy … they had sex, and now he’s feeling like it was a mistake? That’s really hard—was there consent? There was? Okay, well that’s good. But he feels like things are different? Oofda. That’s really hard. What are you thinking about it? Oh jeez, dude, ‘mess around and find out’ isn’t super compassionate, but like … their situation definitely highlights how you have to be pretty confident before you jump all the way in with someone. There can be some complicated emotions afterward, but we definitely don’t want doubt or regret to be in the mix. Alrighty, well, I won’t bring this situation up again, but you can talk to me anytime.”
What Is Rape? (ages 12+)
“Hey, we’ve talked a bit about what consent is, and how to know when you’re ready to share your body with another person. I hope that you are only ever in situations where you feel confident advocating for yourself and that the person you’re with listens to you. It’s important that you know, though, that there are some people who may not listen, and who may feel like they can force you into having sexual contact with them. That is never okay, and there’s a name for forced sexual contact—it’s called rape, and it’s illegal.”
What Is Coercion? (ages 13+)
“Just like the F in FRIES tells us, when we give our ‘yes,’ it must be freely given—it has to be because we really want to. That means there can’t be any coercion. To coerce someone into doing something means convincing the person to do it even though they don’t really want to. With sex, coercion doesn’t usually mean physical force—physically forcing sex is called rape, full stop. Coercion looks like mental and emotional manipulation instead.”
“I was reading that book you left on the coffee table, and wow, that main character really is a piece of work. He tried to coerce his girlfriend into sex! Remember when we talked about what counts as coercion—statements like ‘I’ll leave you,’ ‘I’ll be sad,’ ‘I won’t love you,’ ‘Don’t you love me?’ ‘You’re a shitty partner because you don’t care about my needs,’ and ‘I’ll get my needs met by sleeping with someone else since you won’t do it,’ or behaviors like becoming aggressive, the silent treatment, pouting, intentionally trying to bait someone by contacting ‘alternative options,’ or overtly flirting with people outside the relationship in retaliation—basically, any way a person can try to manipulate another person into having sexual contact with them, that’s coercion. And now I want to finish your book to see if that ever gets addressed!”
Sexual Contact Is Never, Ever, Ever “Owed” (ages 14+)
“I don’t care how nice Joe is to her, Beck doesn’t owe him her body. He can be as attentive as he wants and do all the ‘right’ things—those are his choices. They don’t buy him sex or affection or anything. If he feels like he’s putting too much in and not getting enough back, then he can break up with her. There is literally no scenario where sex is ‘owed,’ and if someone tries to tell you that you owe them sex—feel free to educate them. Or end things with them. Yikes.”
Sometimes Sex Can Be a Waste (ages 14+)
“Man, these ads are unhinged. They put so much pressure on sex and how things ‘should’ be. Sometimes sex is just … fine. Don’t get me wrong, sex can be really good, but sometimes people have sex and it isn’t what they hoped, or it wasn’t as fulfilling as they wanted it to be, or maybe they didn’t really want to do it after all, even though they thought they did. Regretting sex happens, and it doesn’t mean you or your partner did anything wrong, necessarily—it means that you both need to reassess before you try again, if you try again with that person.”
Remember: We’re All in This Together, and Lots of Us Are Lost
Acknowledging the spectrum of relationships and how people choose to engage in sexual encounters is one of the most complicated topics we’ll have to discuss with our children. How do we go from discussing that consent needs to be an explicit and enthusiastic “yes” to acknowledging that some folks want an element of “cat and mouse” in their sexual encounters? Even we, as adults, don’t always get the nuances correct, so how can we possibly teach our kids?
The answer is to Keep. Talking. About. It. Be honest with them—at the beginning of their escapades into romance, dating, and sexuality, there should be no ambiguity. “May I hold your hand?” is a great question, and even if as an adult you feel like you can read people’s body language, it’s not a question we should sneer at. As people get older, timing, body language, expectations, stigma, and setting all matter even more than they ever have, and are influenced heavily by the culture in which the people live. In the US alone there are a myriad of different expectations for courtship, dating, and relationships.
Unfortunately, the variability in these conversations means fitting them all into this book is impossible—there are just too many different scenarios, individual personalities, and desired outcomes to be able to spell them all out without writing an additional volume. What I can say is that we should continually remind our kids that their boundaries matter, that they also need to pay attention to the boundaries of the people they are interested in, that there will be times when they zig when they should have zagged, and that ultimately, so long as they do not hurt anyone, they will be all right, even if they are temporarily embarrassed.
Beyond navigating the complexities of establishing sexual relationships, it’s also important that we discuss the other dynamics of adult relationships that kids are learning about. When I think back to the information I had access to as an early teen, I remember the most “out there” representations of sex and relationships coming from a stolen Playboy magazine and a couple of bodice-ripper romance novels. When I scroll the internet now, it is instantly obvious that kids have so much more shown to them than I ever did. I didn’t even know the definition of BDSM when I was thirteen; now there are incredibly popular and painfully inaccurate fanfics, novels, and videos readily available only a click away. Even if it squicks us out, we have to consider that if we don’t address the facts of sex and relationships with our kids, someone else might feed them full of … well, bullshit.
Do You Have a Condom?
This next set of scripts is very similar to scripts you’ll see in the next chapter, on topics including discussions of safer sex, the importance of condoms, the need to advocate for yourself with a partner, and informed consent. As with most other topics, the dialogue around safer sex needs to be ongoing, open, honest, and nonjudgmental. The difference between those previous scripts and the following are that these next few scripts can provide ammunition for your child to use with a partner who may not be adhering to the standards your child has established for themselves.
“Protection should not be coy—knowing how you and your partner plan to be safe is a feature of the ‘Informed’ part of the FRIES framework for consent. Birth control—the pill, an implant, whatever—is fine, but it doesn’t prevent STIs. If you haven’t discussed each other’s testing status, is that truly informed consent? You get to decide what level of confirmation you need—for some folks, just their partner’s word is enough, while others want receipts—but there needs to at least be a discussion about it. You can also change your mind if your partner doesn’t respect your protection needs.”
“You know how I feel about condoms—you should always have your own that have been stored correctly—and if that’s not okay with your partner, then y’all need to go buy them together. It can be a compromise to go get them together, but using someone else’s musty, dusty, stored-in-the-glovebox-and-maybe-full-of-holes condom is not it.”
“Darlin’, if they are fighting with you about protection—ESPECIALLY if they are arguing that what they are doing is enough when the science says it clearly isn’t … please see that for the red flag it is! The rhythm method and pulling out are not adequate protection. You know that!”
Communication Is Key—That’s Why It’s a Pillar (ages 14+)
“So, duh, consent has to happen before sex. But is that the only time you need it? NO. Correct. Consent is something that is super tied to communication—one of the four Pillars of Safe Sex. Remember, the S in FRIES tells you that consent needs to be specific. If anything changes about what two partners are doing, then consent needs to be verified—check-ins have to happen! ‘Oh, we moved from the couch to my room—how are you feeling? Is this still good?’ or maybe your partner wants to roll over and try another position—don’t roll your eyes, this is important!—you can verify consent and keep it sexy. Even just letting your partner know that you like it and want to keep going is an important part of communication and consent!”
You Have a Free Pass (ages 13+)
Something to remember is that the Free Pass counts within specific discussions of sex, too. If something happens and your child feels complicated about it, or feels like it was a mistake, or wants to talk about it but not have to hear about it later—they can use their Free Pass within the boundaries you’ve established. So long as it’s not something that will have serious long-term consequences for their health or safety, you shouldn’t bring it up again after the discussion. If it will have long-term consequences but they are looking for your help without extensive discussion about it in the moment, then they can use their Free Pass and say they want to talk about it after the current situation has been handled and they have had time to prepare.
Reminder of when a child or teen might use this card:
I want access to birth control options that require a doctor (the pill, an implant, IUDs, etc.).
I need a morning-after pill.
I was drunk/high and had sex that I didn’t plan on having.
I think I may have been assaulted.
We used protection but I think it might have broken.
I had sex and it was not fun/painful/not what I expected (or they regret it after the fact).
Some of these may sound alarming and like they should not be allowed to be used with a Free Pass, but let me remind you—if they are bringing this to you with the card, that means they may already be feeling scared about it and don’t want to talk about it right now. Remember, a Free Pass isn’t a promise that they’ll never hear about the topic again—it’s a statement that you won’t push them into a larger discussion in that moment. A response like “I am not going to push you to talk about this right now, and I’m very glad you came to me for help. I need you to know that we will have to talk about this later this afternoon or this evening so that we can make sure you are staying safe” both reaffirms their choice in coming to you and establishes that you will be following up to maintain their health and safety.
If your child comes to you with a Free Pass and reveals information that cannot be left alone—perhaps they admit to inappropriate sexual contact from another adult—an explanation of why the Free Pass won’t work is warranted: “I’m very glad you came to me, and I know you don’t want me to follow up on this, but because this is a very unsafe situation that puts you and others at risk, I need you to give me more details because I legally have to report it.”
Practicing FRIES
Just like learning to ride a bike, do their math facts, or what pigments combine to make purple, kids need to practice checking in with their boundaries and flexing their consent skills. In our house, “what if” and “would you rather” are two of our favorite games: “What if you get confronted by a hungry polar bear who escaped from the zoo?” “Would you rather find a suitcase full of cash and an abandoned baby, or find a limitless credit card and get custody of a teenager you don’t know?” “What if you wake up and the rest of the world has disappeared—not dead, just … gone?” Sometimes the answers are silly, but it’s more fun when everyone involved takes the situation seriously and tries their best to problem-solve and find logical, sustainable solutions. As my kids have gotten older, I’ve started peppering the games with real-life scenarios that they may run into as they start to expand their social circle: “What if you’re at your friend’s house and their big sister busts out the beer?” “What would happen if you were at a party and you noticed someone leading a really drunk classmate of yours to a secluded room? What would you do?”
A lot of the time, the kids have to take a minute to think about what they might be tempted to do, what they should do, and what they actually would do. Imagine if the first time they had to wrestle with these thoughts was when they were in the situation. Yikes. By considering the hypothetical situation, kids have a chance to solidify their morals and figure out when they might need to use their Phone-a-Friend and tap in friends or a safe adult for help.
Some hypothetical scenarios for kids to reflect on might include:
