“I don’t know if I’m going to marry Terrance—I’m seventeen! And when I talk about it like this, I feel like I could totally wait until I’m married. But when we’re together and kissing and stuff …”
“Your body is like, ‘hell yes, more of this, please’?” her mom offered.
“YES. Exactly that. And we always manage to stop, but then it just gets weird. He apologizes and I say it’s not a problem and then the mood is killed and he drives me home,” Alyssa said in frustration.
“Have you two talked about what happens between making out and sex?” her mom asked.
“I mean … sort of? I guess? What do you mean?”
Alyssa and her mom spent three more batches of cookies that evening going over the various forms of foreplay, and how Alyssa could bring the topic up with Terrance. The high school sweethearts didn’t end up marrying each other—Terrance ended up breaking up with Alyssa when he left for college—but they could both say they learned a lot about themselves and relationships during their year together. They may not have known it at the time, but this was in large part because of the Five Pillars of Safe Sex.
The open line of communication Alyssa had with her parents and her willingness to apply her self-reflection to her relationship helped keep her and Terrance safe as they navigated their relationship. Unfortunately, some children do not have the same kind of relationship with their parents, which is why when they have questions about how to navigate a relationship issue, they seek information online.
Though I wish I could say it’s common to find supportive, accurate information on the internet, I can’t. If you’ve ever wandered onto any number of subreddits, you know that “supportive, accurate information” isn’t always the top comment. That’s why it’s so important for parents to work toward having open, honest lines of communication with our teens—even if it makes us uncomfortable.
I am not unfamiliar with the internal war that many of us have happening inside our brains between NO! My babies are young and innocent, and I want them to stay that way forever! and My children are growing into functional happy adults … and most functional happy adults will have sex at least once in their lifetime. We imagine our children growing up and having families of their own, but we don’t really want to think about how those families … happen.
Instead of asking my children to navigate the waters of dating, relationships, and sex with only the mechanics from me and whatever information they can piece together from their friends, I tried to find a better way. I reflected on my own experiences, read the literature, spoke with other educators and professionals, and landed on what I’ve named the Five Pillars of Safe Sex.* These concepts—confirmation, communication, protection, lubrication, and enthusiastic participation—guide the conversations I have with my children regarding how to engage in sexual activity. They are also concepts that my children can refer back to before they embark on a sexual relationship with anyone.
*Originally posted on TikTok as the Four Pillars of Safe Sex.
The pillars themselves are pretty straightforward, though the conversations for each can be complex.
Confirmation is just what it sounds like—confirming with your partner or partners that everyone is able and willing to provide consent, and that the consent is present and ongoing. I’ve been asked why I went with confirmation rather than consent as the first pillar, and both the “ongoing” and the “able to consent” parts are the reason. Confirmation acknowledges the nuances and intricacies of sexual encounters—reminding teens (and all the rest of us) that it is necessary to confirm that consent is present, even after the first “yes.” It also asks our teens to think hard about whether the people involved in the encounter are able to consent—are there drugs or alcohol involved? Are both they and their partner of an age where consent is possible (both morally and in the eyes of the law)? And is there any possibility that there might be an imbalance of power that is influencing the consent—is there money, status, or positionality that might influence whether either person feels comfortable saying yes or no? As an experienced adult, I consider these features of consent automatically, but it isn’t fair to ask my teen to do the same. They should not have to unconsciously or automatically assess their partner or partners for fitness. Instead, confirmation as a pillar of safe sex inherently includes communication as a necessity for sex, which is convenient, because communication is the second pillar.
Communication extends beyond confirming that everyone involved in a sexual encounter is consenting. Even though communication seems like a fairly straightforward concept, remember that some of the conversations we’re expecting our children to have with their future partners can be awkward even for us as adults. Communication requires that both partners discuss their boundaries, expectations, and experience before, during, and after sex. Boundaries and expectations include what each partner needs for protection, how kink factors into the encounter, STD and STI status, and how far each person feels comfortable going. Communication additionally asks them to consider how they plan to stop themselves in the face of their own biological urges. They also need to communicate about the experience before, during, and after it happens. That means checking in—“How are you feeling?” “Is this working?” “Should this continue?” and “How was that?” are just the tip of the iceberg. Each partner can also actively express how they are experiencing things without being asked! Think about the sex you’ve had. Was there ever a time you wish you had communicated better? As adults, we know that sex doesn’t have to be mind-blowing—it can be just all right. But I know I can think back to situations where better communication could have made the experience significantly more enjoyable.
Protection is exactly what it sounds like—how a person can protect their body and (and sometimes their whole future) by making informed choices about sex. Ideally, conversations around protection frame it in nonjudgmental terms of prevention—“how to keep your body safe,” “how do you disclose and discuss testing status,” and “how should you talk about family planning”—rather than scare tactics about the possible unintended consequences if they don’t use protection. Believe me—most kids know that they don’t want to get pregnant by accident or contract an STD or STI. By reminding them what they should do rather than focusing on what they don’t want, we reinforce behaviors that can keep them protected. Conversations about protection should include both protection from STIs and protection against unplanned pregnancy, if pregnancy is possible.
Lubrication gets its own pillar, which may be a surprise for some folks. If you’re uncomfortable, I totally get it. Most of us weren’t ever taught how to think about lubrication or consider it for ourselves, and certainly not how to talk about it with our teenagers. But here’s the thing: There are heaps of research to back up that a lot of people would benefit from including lubrication in their sex lives, and there’s even more evidence showing that for non-vaginal penetrative sex, lubrication is vital. Yes, there are situations where bodies will make enough lubrication to make the experience enjoyable, and there are some people who may never have to make additional lubrication a part of their sexual experience. However, there are many other times where additional lubrication is needed, and there are more than a few instances where the type of lubrication chosen will have an impact on health and safety. We have to be talking to our kids about lubrication options, particularly because not all lubes are created equal. Instead of taking for granted that teenagers who think they may need lube will seek information for themselves, it’s on us as parents to let them know that lubrication is something they should consider. Knowing the facts about what lubrication the body makes naturally, what kinds of supplemental lubrication are available, and how to safely pick a lubricant can improve outcomes for people journeying into having a sex life.
Enthusiastic participation is the final pillar of safe sex. While enthusiastic participation is considered part of consent (the E in FRIES), it tells our kids that both parties should be enjoying the experience throughout the experience. Just as all the pillars are rooted in the need for consistent, high-quality communication, this pillar requires that our kids not only acknowledge verbal communication, but also understand nonverbal communication. As one of my favorite teenagers once described it, “Don’t just be a stiff board, and make sure your partner isn’t, either.” Meaning, if either person is giving physical cues that they are not enjoying the experience, a check-in (at the very least) is necessary to see how everyone involved is feeling about the encounter.
Sample Scripts
Confirmation
Early Conversation (ages 10 to 12)
“You know how we always talk about consent—how it’s your body and you get to pick—well, that’s true for everyone else, too. It’s really important that you understand that confirmation—making sure that both you and whoever you eventually go out with are on the same page about going out and what that means. If you want to hold hands or kiss, you have to ask, not just assume it’s okay with the other person.”
Starting to Date (ages 12+)
“You might not be thinking about it yet because you’re not really ready to have sex, but you need to know that the first pillar of safe sex is confirmation. What that means is confirming consent, confirming boundaries, and confirming expectations. You’ve seen in movies and read in books that ‘foreplay’ can sometimes be coy—you know, the ‘hand on the wall and lift their chin’ meme. But moving forward from one act, like kissing, to the next, like sex, should never be assumed.”
“What is even happening with this movie? You know that you can’t assume that just because you’re holding hands, you can go in for the kiss. You can’t assume that just because you’ve been kissing, you can go into full-on making out. You can’t assume that making out automatically leads to heavy petting or that heavy petting leads to sex. As a couple gets further into their relationship, they can sometimes develop the ability to read each other’s behaviors and understand each other’s nonverbal cues. But even in long-standing relationships, sex and physical contact cannot be assumed, and are never, ever owed. This movie saying otherwise is wiiiiiiiild.”
“Confirmation also means that you can say ‘Back up, I don’t actually want to do this.’ Even if you’ve had sex with the person before, you can say ‘I don’t want to do it again.’ And just because someone had a sexual relationship with a previous partner does not mean that they owe their next partner sex. Even if you’re lying there naked with a condom on, you do not have to go through with it. At any point, you can say ‘Actually, you know what? I don’t want to do this,’ and it has to stop at that point. You can back out. Remember, consent is reversible. And one of the pillars of safe sex is confirming that both people want to do what they are doing for the whole time they are doing it. The second either person doesn’t want it, the interaction stops.”
Communication
Early Conversation (ages 10 to 12)
“Have you ever noticed how when me and Jack make plans to go somewhere, we always talk about how long we’re going to stay? Do you know why we do that? It’s because Jack doesn’t love to spend a long time with people he doesn’t know, and I don’t really have a good sense of time. So we talk to each other about our limits and needs before we ever go out to a place that might test our boundaries. That’s an important thing for people in relationships to do—check in about their boundaries and make sure they agree on how to navigate them!”
Starting to Date (ages 12+)
“Holy crap, this movie … what does she think he is, a mind reader? They’re showing us her inner monologue so we know she doesn’t really want to be making out with him, but he has no idea. You know that when you’re dating someone, you should literally say stuff like ‘Hey, before we start, I just want to tell you, like, I’m totally excited that we’re together. But I want you to know that, like, I’m not comfortable doing anything more than making out.’ Because asking someone else to guess, or making yourself guess about what the other person wants, is not great communication, and it doesn’t lead to informed consent.”
Advanced Conversation (ages 15+)
“Hey, we’ve talked in the past about communication with a partner, but we’ve never really talked about what communication specifically looks like when it comes to sexual boundaries. It can be a bit uncomfy, but it’s important to think about before you ever find yourself in a situation where you need to assert those boundaries.”
“It kind of sucks that communicating during sex is almost exclusively portrayed as dirty talk. Some people really like dirty talk—that can be fun for a lot of folks—but it’s not for everybody. That being said, checking in and making sure that what’s going on makes both parties happy is really important. Asking if the other person is doing okay, and also letting your partner know that you like what’s happening are both really good ways to make sure you’re communicating your needs and respecting theirs.”
“Communication as it relates to sex isn’t just about communicating before sex and during sex. It also extends to aftercare and facilitating cleanup, and making sure your partner has everything they need to feel safe and secure about what just happened. ‘Hey, do you wanna cuddle? Do you want a snack? Do you need a drink of water? Can you please give me a wipe so that I can clean up? Do you want help changing the sheets? Do you wanna pop through the shower?’ Those are all ways to check in with each other to make sure that you both feel positive and fulfilled after the interaction has ended. You can also take that time to review what went great and what maybe needs to change if you both agree there’ll be a next time.”
Protection
Communication about protection is also about making sure that our kids are facilitating safer sex for themselves. Some of that facilitation comes in the form of sharing their sexual knowledge with their partners, knowing that not everyone they interact with is going to have the same level of education as they do. By encouraging our kids to fully understand and feel comfortable discussing protection, they are able to pass on rules like:
There needs to be a new condom for every encounter—no leaving it on to use again later.
No sex when anyone is drunk or high because it increases the likelihood of high-risk sex practices.
“Only move from front to back” applies to sex, not just wiping. You should never encourage anything to enter the vagina that has already been in the anus.
