“Your brain and your body are changing so much, even in just the span of a year, as you’re growing through your teen years. Think about how you were when you were eleven. Now think about how you are today at thirteen. Are you the same person? Do you think the same things? Do you have the same goals? Do you have the same expectations or understanding of your body? No? Okay. So is it fair to ask an eleven-year-old or somebody who’s fifteen to meet you where you are? No. I agree. On top of that, it’s also important to know that there are rules, depending on where you live, for how much of an age gap there can be in a relationship without causing legal issues.”

Later Adolescence (ages 13+)

“Hey, I heard that Sam has a new partner—is it true that it’s Logan? Oh, geez. But Logan’s only sixteen and Sam is eighteen. Huh. Well, I mean, you know how I would feel about it. Yeah. I would have a lot of questions about why somebody who is two years older needs to be dating somebody who’s two years younger. Hey, I’m not saying they have to break up. What I am saying is that maybe we should think about why that relationship is what it is. If they’re a good fit, that’s great, but … how do Logan’s parents feel about this? Do they know? They’re keeping it a secret?! Oh my God. Okay, here’s the deal. I’m not saying that a hypothetical sixteen-year-old has to break up with their partner when their partner turns eighteen. Especially if they’ve been together for a long time and the relationship is well established, then of course not. That feels unfair. But if Logan’s parents don’t know, that tells me that maybe Logan’s parents aren’t going to be cool with it. I don’t know Logan’s parents super well—maybe they’re really controlling and unreasonable, that’s possible. But if they’re not cool with it, and if Sam and Logan get together and have sex, is it possible that Logan’s parents could have a really big problem with it and make life harder for Sam? I mean, I don’t know what the laws are here, but it’s not outside the realm of possibility, in my opinion. I just hope you know that if you were either Sam or Logan in this situation, your partner wanting to hide it—especially from me—is a big ol’ red flag. Because I’m going to love you and root for you always, so if you’re lying about it … what does that say?”

Boundaries

Adolescence (ages 12+)

“We’ve talked about boundaries before, right? You know that boundaries are what you are willing to accept in a situation, right? So, like, one of my boundaries is that I don’t listen to anyone calling me names. When that one nasty coworker I had used to swear at me and get in my face, I would just leave the room, right? And I would go and talk to HR, and to the boss. And when that didn’t solve the problem, I left that job and got a different one. In a relationship, sometimes people think that boundaries are what you’ll let your partner do. Crap like ‘I won’t let my boyfriend talk to other girls,’ or ‘I won’t let my girlfriend dress like that.’ Those aren’t boundaries. They can do whatever they want. If you are uncomfortable, you can assess why you’re uncomfortable. If you notice that your partner calls their ex every time you have a disagreement and talks to them for a long time about how frustrated they are with you, then you could say ‘I will not listen to you talk negatively about me to your ex. If you choose to do that, then I will be leaving the room.’ That’s a boundary. And if it’s something that makes you uncomfortable and something that you really don’t like, then you don’t have to stay in that relationship. You cannot control somebody else’s behavior, but you can control how you respond to it. Sometimes boundaries are hard to figure out—emotions like jealousy and feelings like insecurity can complicate things further—but it’s always going to come back to the treatment you will or will not accept, not how to control somebody else’s behavior.”

“Honey, why does your phone keep going off. What is going on? Wait, what do you mean it’s your partner? You canceled your date, right? I mean, how did you cancel the date? You didn’t like, ghost them? No? You told them that your mom had the whole family go out of town. Okay, so why are they calling you repeatedly when they know you are with family? Wait, they expected you to just, what? Bail on us? Lie to me? No, no. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No, no. See. That’s not how this works. You are responsible for your actions, not their expectations. You followed through and communicated effectively what was going on, and just because they expect you to choose them over your family obligations does not mean that you are supposed to do that. No. Your actions are your responsibility. Their expectations are theirs, and you need to communicate with each other. But this behavior is alarming. You guys need to discuss boundaries.”

“Hey, are you headed out on your date? Are you excited? Oh, I’m so glad. Got your phone? Fab. When are you planning on being back? Okay. That sounds great. Do you have enough cash? Well, what do you mean, you’re on cash? They invited you, so they’re gonna pay? Umm, was that something you guys talked about? No. Okay, so here’s the scoop, sweetheart. You should never go on a date without any money of your own. Unless you’ve explicitly discussed it, you cannot assume that your date is going to buy or pay for anything for you, and you shouldn’t expect that. That’s not fair. I know, I know, that’s rich coming from your mom. Once upon a time, I used to go on dates where I didn’t have enough money to buy myself dinner. But I regret that. I feel really embarrassed by that, and I really think that that was an unfair expectation to put on the people I went on dates with. That’s part of why I want to make sure that you don’t carry that through. Even though that’s sometimes an expectation that we see represented in media and the way that other people talk about dating, that’s not a value that we have. You should never go on a date broke, because what happens if you do and your date leaves halfway through? What are you gonna do then? How are you gonna pay for your half, or all of it? Nah, dude. If you need cash for your date, I’ll get some for you.”

Making Mistakes and Putting Yourself Out There

I’ll never forget the first time I tried to roller-skate. I looked like a newborn baby giraffe. For some reason, I can Rollerblade like a champ, but you put those four wheels in pairs underneath my feet and I am an absolute disaster. It doesn’t matter that I am fairly kinesthetically aware and have reasonable balance, or that I have practice on other forms of wheels. For some reason, me and roller skates just don’t work. If I want to get better at it, I could continue to practice, but I’ve decided it’s not a priority, and that’s okay.

Here’s the thing: No teenager is going to start dating and be good at it. They’re all going to make mistakes. The teen years are a great time for kids to make mistakes and screw up. It’s the time when they can be cringey, when they can date people who just aren’t a good fit, when they can plan dates that just don’t pan out. In the teen years, the stakes are generally pretty low; they still have a good support system, and as long as they have good boundaries and are making reasonable, safe choices, the consequences are relatively minimal. It’s a great time to go out and screw up. So do that, please.

Adolescence (ages 12+)

“Go on dates, try things out, see what works for you. That way, when you get to adulthood you can say ‘Nah, bro, I’m not going to date people who are only into sunrise walks on the beach because I’m not a morning person and that just doesn’t work for me.’ You know what you like, what you need, and what works for you, and you don’t waste any of your time trying to fit yourself into places that aren’t meant for you.”

“One of the things that’s really unfortunate is that so much of our success in life is measured using a metric of permanency. In other words, permanent is the goal. We look at situations that have ended—jobs, or relationships, or friendships—and think ‘Man, it would have been nice if that had been a successful relationship.’ But in reality, they were successful situations, they just didn’t last forever. I had a very successful job that lasted for eleven years—I outgrew the job. It doesn’t mean that the job was not successful, I just grew past it. The same thing goes for relationships. You can have partners who are lovely and who teach you a lot, and relationships that are good while they last but aren’t made to last forever. Unfortunately, a lot of the time the narratives that happen afterward are that the other person was crazy or that there was something wrong with them, when in reality, the relationship just wasn’t built to last, and that’s okay. So long as everyone is safe, the next priority is making sure that you can break up without hurting people. How do you break up without hurting people? Well, the same way we think about starting relationships—with communication and understanding. Never aiming to hurt the other person’s feelings, never throwing them under the bus or dragging them, especially for things they can’t change. There is no such thing as ‘brutal honesty,’ because honesty isn’t meant to be hurtful. If you are using honesty to hurt someone, then you’re not being honest—you’re just being an asshole. Now, if the reason you’re breaking up with them is because they’re actively harmful to you, then the only thing I want you to worry about is ending the relationship and staying safe. Do that however you need to, and involve anyone who you need to keep you safe, including me.”

When You Feel Like You Can’t Do It

When you don’t necessarily feel like you fit anywhere, it can be really difficult to convince yourself that relationships are worth having. You worry that all you’re going to feel is rejection and that you’re just going to feel like you don’t fit. But here’s the deal: Relationships—both romantic and platonic—are worth trying even if all you learn from them for a while is what you don’t want. And while it is perfectly acceptable to opt out of dating entirely—you do not need to be partnered to be happy—making connections and finding sources of social support is vital to ongoing resilience. If you don’t see the world the same way as everybody else does, it can be really hard to find good ways to hang out. My mom understood this back in the 1980s and ‘90s, which is why we were the house where all the kids were—kids holding Dungeons & Dragons sessions, kids playing basketball, and many a kid doing a science or English project. My mom supported my siblings and me in making friends however we could, even when we didn’t fit in quite right. Being a neurodivergent person myself, I fully understand what it’s like to have a brain that doesn’t always mesh well with others. That’s why I feel like situations that are prescribed—where there’s a somewhat agreed-upon series of events, like prom—are often really helpful for kids who don’t feel comfortable putting themselves out there to make friends or date. We know that a teenager’s entire life should not be online, and they shouldn’t be isolated, either. Helping our kids foster at least a small in-person community is super valuable for them as they grow, even if that means facilitating activities that we fully do not understand, like tabletop game nights, bird-watching outings, or manga book clubs.

Adolescence (ages 15+)

“Not everybody dates in high school, and that’s totally fine. But making real-world contact with real-world people at the very minimum is important for your brain development for the rest of your life. Is there a club, activity, or group you might want to try to see if you can meet some folks you get along with? I’ll happily make arrangements to get you there.”

“I hope you know that you don’t need a partner. I mean, it feels a little bit obvious, ’cause, you know, I don’t have a partner. And neither does your aunt. But it’s important to me that you know that it’s really valuable to surround yourself with relationships that aren’t romantic. There’s a lot of value in having people who have your back, outside of and in addition to a romantic relationship. People who will drive you to surgery, people who will pick up your dogs. People who will laugh with you and make you think big ideas and support you and be a place for you to share your innermost thoughts and secrets. Surrounding yourself with people who love you because you are you is so valuable. And if a person in that group happens to be somebody that you’re romantic with, great. But you don’t have to have that.”

CHAPTER 12: IN BRIEF

With general societal shifts away from organized courtship, and the advent of social media, dating apps, and instant forms of communication, the dating landscape looks very different than it did even when most of us parents were navigating it. Establishing a dialogue around what dating is for, how it can happen, when it can happen, and with whom provides kids with solid parameters for exploring their personal preferences and needs. The Number Twelve Rule also may help children identify when someone is attempting to lure them into an unsafe and inappropriate relationship via grooming.

Key Takeaways

Children may not date while they are under twelve years old.

Early dating is generally chaperoned group events, school functions, and interactions at school. Kids may begin to experiment with physical intimacy like holding hands and kissing.

Due to developmental differences and differing legal statues, once a child has started dating, they should not date anyone more than twelve months older or twelve months younger than they are.

No one over the age of eighteen should begin dating someone under the age of eighteen.

Dating is not required, but socializing and developing a social support system are very important in fostering and maintaining resilience, so socializing should be encouraged and facilitated.

CHAPTER 13 “The Internet Is for Porn”—Avenue Q

“I just can’t freaking believe it. He’s had the phone for what, six months? And he LOST IT ALREADY?” my friend Liz vented. “I got him a phone so he could call me in an emergency, and it’s just gone.” As a single mom, Liz has done a great job in raising her son, Jackson. He’s respectful, sweet, smart, funny, and kind. He helps with the garbage without being asked. He does the dishes. He mows the lawn. He talks to her about his friends and video games and the books he loves. They are very close.

But he’s also a tween boy, and he can be irresponsible. Just like any of his friends, Jackson sometimes forgets his football cleats, leaves his homework on the kitchen table, or neglects to brush his teeth. So this wasn’t a huge stretch of the imagination—he lost his phone. He had apologized and had promised to earn the money to replace it. It seemed like everything was just going to move on until he had enough saved to buy a new one.

The night they chose to watch Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse was just like any other Friday Movie Night in their apartment. Liz popped the popcorn, Jackson prepped the movie, and they sat down to watch it together. They watched as Miles was bitten by a radioactive spider. They watched as he turned into Spider-Man, developing his myriad of powers. They watched as Miles resisted telling his dad about the changes he was experiencing for fear of being rejected or shamed. They watched him struggle to do so many adult things when he was barely ready to handle being a teen. They watched Miles lean on help from Peter Parker, the original Spider-Man. A person who was only kind of equipped to care for him, and certainly wasn’t unconditional in his love and support.

When the movie ended, they did what they always did—discuss the themes and takeaways. “Oh man, I loved the part when he crashed the trains in the supercollider!” Jackson said enthusiastically.

“Yeah, that was such cool animation! I thought Peter Parker was an interesting choice for a role model for Miles as he was learning to become Spider-Man. I wonder what he learned from having to almost … parent Miles,” Liz asked aloud.

Jackson thought about it for a bit and suggested that maybe having to watch Miles be so responsible made Peter want to try harder.

“That’s a good point,” Liz said, “but is it really fair that Miles had to do all that? Like … what do you think would have happened if he had just told his parents what was up?”

Jackson was quiet. He didn’t meet Liz’s gaze when he said, “I mean … he was scared they would be mad.”

“Well, yeah, he was scared—that’s true. But do you think his mom and dad would really have abandoned him just because he was accidentally bitten by a spider? It wasn’t his fault! I mean, would I ever leave you to deal with Kingpin all by yourself just because I didn’t like Spider-Man?”

Jackson quietly agreed that no, his mom would never leave him high and dry, and that it would have been a much shorter movie if Miles had just asked for help. Then he declared that he was getting tired and walked himself up to bed.

Roughly a week later, Jackson approached Liz as she was making their breakfast. “Mom, I need to tell you something.”

“What’s up, bud?”

“I didn’t lose my phone,” he confessed. “I hid it.”

“You hid it? Why would you hide it?”

“Because … I looked up some … bad pictures on it and I didn’t know how to get them off of there and I didn’t want you to be mad at me. So I hid it.”

Liz had to take a second to process that information. He was only eleven—she didn’t think she needed to be ready for the porn conversation quite yet, but clearly, they had arrived at a crossroads. She took a deep breath and began from the beginning.

“Oh, dude. Okay, so you have pornography on your phone and you were scared I’d be super pissed that you looked at it?”

“Yeah. And I saw some … scary stuff … and I didn’t know how to close it.”

“Oh jeez—scary stuff?”

“Yeah, some gifs and stuff.”

It was time to have a thorough sit-down and get everything out in the open. She made them each a cup of hot cocoa, texted me to let me know she wouldn’t be making it to hang out, and walked Jackson through the completely natural but sometimes terrifying maze that is curiosity in early puberty.

Nobody wants to pay for researching porn. Okay, that’s not true—some people want to pay for researching porn, and may have financial motivations for doing so. Unfortunately, that means a lot of porn research is going to end up biased. When people have an agenda, the research is at risk of being swayed in whatever direction favors the financiers. Not all of it—I’ll be the first to admit that some research into porn is relatively balanced—but it’s difficult to find sources that do not have bias in sampling, measures, definitions … the list goes on. Because of this, we don’t have a lot of great information on the impact of pornography today—we don’t really understand what the change in access to pornography has done to us as humans because the children with so much increased access are not yet grown up. We have a little bit of an idea based on statistical usage, a small group of studies, and the variation in some of the diagnoses associated over time, but we only have best guesses as to what it all means. This is especially true for the impact of porn on teenage brains.