Whatever makes the two grown-ups feel comfortable!
Is that something people do at home? Or in their cars?
Usually this is something that happens at home.
Can only grown-ups do this?
Yup—only grown-ups should be having sex.
Do my FRIENDS know about this?!
They might, but remember—if your friends want to know, they should ask their caregivers.
Can I watch?
Nope! Sex is something grown-ups do in private—a kid should never be watching a grown-up have sex.
But … I think I saw people doing that [on the computer/in a movie].
You might have. Those kinds of [videos/movies] are for grown-up brains—your brain is safest learning about sex from other places like talking to me and exploring your own body for a while first.
Wait, THAT’S what you and Mom were doing?!
Well, yes. Like we talked about, though, that was a time when we wanted privacy. You didn’t know that when you opened our door, and that’s why you didn’t get in trouble. But now you know, so you know that if our door is shut, you should always knock first!” [This answer can hopefully circumvent the guilt pathway of “I should have known better!” because how could they have known?!]
Do people have a baby every time they have sex?
No, there are lots of things that have to happen in the body for a baby to be made. But for lots of healthy adults, any time they have sex, they might be able to make a baby. [This answer is both factual and begins to normalize the necessity of protection and prevention during sexual encounters.]
But if they aren’t having a baby, why are they having sex?
Because for most grown-ups, sex feels good for their bodies, and gives them happy feelings, too.
Intrauterine Insemination (IUI)
Medically Assisted: “When we decided to have you, we went to a doctor to ask for help. The doctor helped us know when the eggs in [Mom’s/our surrogate’s] uterus might be ready, and then helped us use a special tool to put the sperm cells from [Dad/our sperm donor] into the uterus so that they could combine to make you!”
At-Home/Unassisted: “When we decided to have you, we kept track of important information that helped us know when the eggs in [Mom’s/our surrogate’s] uterus might be ready, and then we used a special tool to put the sperm cells from [Dad/our sperm donor] into the uterus so that they could combine to make you!”
In Vitro Fertilization (IVF)
“When we decided we wanted to have you, we asked for help from a doctor whose whole job is helping to make babies in a lab. We took some sperm cells from [dad/our sperm donor] and some eggs from [Mom/our egg donor] and the doctor combined them in a special container called a petri dish! Then after the doctor was sure that the cells were combined, they were moved from the petri dish into the uterus where you grew and grew until you were born!”
IUI and IVF follow-up questions are also common, and may include things like:
Where did the cells come from?
Each answer to this question is unique, just like each of you!
But wait, if the cell didn’t come from you, are you really my [mom/dad/parent]?
Yes! I am very grateful to the person who shared their cell with us and helped you be made. And I am very happy that I get to help you become you with what I teach you and how I love you every day.
What If They Never Ask? (adolescence, or ages 8+)
So what do you do if your child just … never asks where babies come from? How do you approach the conversation with a child who blanches and bolts when you even tiptoe near the topics of romance or intimacy, or the dreaded idea of “doing it”? How do you handle it if your child is very clearly old enough to know but has so far evaded the conversation? Here are some ways you can start the conversation in a few different circumstances.
If a sense of curiosity or tendency to ask questions has not been established
AGES 8+: You still have time to normalize curiosity. Consider starting by pointing out where other kinds of babies come from. You could even frame it as a question: “So chickens lay eggs, and kangaroos have pouches, but cats have live babies. I wonder how they are all different.” By making it clear that the topic of reproduction in general isn’t taboo, you may begin modeling to your child that they can ask you questions.
AGES 10+: Children at this age need to have at least basic information about how babies are made. If they haven’t asked yet, then you as the parent should bring it up: “We’ve never really talked about where babies come from, and you will probably be learning about it in school soon. Are you comfortable talking with me about it?” If they say yes, then the conversation can proceed as illustrated earlier in the chapter (see page 146). If the child says no, then it’s worth going to the final conversation in this section on page 160.
If your child has previously asked where babies come from and been told “I’ll tell you when you’re older”
If you postponed the conversation at some earlier point and your child hasn’t brought it up again, I hate to break it to you, but it’s on you to get the ball rolling: “Hey, remember when you asked me where babies come from and I said I’d tell you when you were older? Well, you’re older now, so it’s probably a good time for us to talk about it. Are you feeling ready?”
If your child thinks they already know where babies come from
Some kids have just extrapolated some idea based on what they might know about sea turtles or sharks (a psychological concept called magical thinking), some kids might’ve read something they weren’t supposed to, and others really do already know. My favorite strategy is to flip the script. Become the student—let them teach you. What this will help you understand is what their perceived knowledge is, where they got the information, and how you can correct their understanding going forward. Ask your child to explain to you what they know and then have a conversation about what they got right, what they got wrong, and everything in between. This will not only strengthen their knowledge, it will also help you solidify that you are an accessible and safe point of contact for information seeking.
If your child has misinformation from you that you need to correct
In the course of developing this book, I received messages and comments from folks lamenting how they’d “screwed it up.” How they panicked in the moment and leaned into a lie. How they wish they’d had a resource to guide them through the conversations. Maybe that’s why you picked up this book—you’re trying to course correct. Because—let’s face it—sometimes the easiest answer is simply to lie to our children. I didn’t say it was the right answer, but for some of us, it’s the easiest one. The problem with lying to our kids is that we then have to correct the lie or risk having someone else correct it and losing our children’s trust as a result. If your child is no longer wondering where babies came from because you’ve provided misinformation, it is your responsibility to correct that misinformation. This will come with a healthy dose of self-effacement: “Hey, I wanted to let you know that when you asked me where babies come from and I said that they were delivered by the stork, that wasn’t true. I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t know that you were ready, but I know now that you’re responsible enough. And I trust you with this information. I know your brain can handle it, and I know you won’t share it with people who aren’t ready for it.”
I will just add here that because your child is an autonomous human, there is no way to guarantee that they will not share the information with other kids. I have found that checking in with children and reinforcing who can and should share that information is more helpful than frequently reminding them that they shouldn’t be sharing it.
If your child doesn’t want the information
