“Mom … how do the cells get INTO the uterus to combine?”
You might think this is where our journey to answering “where do babies come from?” really kicks off, but that is not so. Our story begins all the way back when kids first start realizing that there are many humans other than themselves, and that some of those humans are babies. As we journey into answering any questions for our kids, it’s essential that we remember the lens through which they view the world—a lens that has only seen a few things and understands even fewer. Our job, then, is to give only the information that answers the question at hand, and in the simplest way possible. This is in line with a theory called scaffolding. Developed by psychologist Lev Vygotsky, it describes how information should be presented in small pieces that build upon previously presented pieces in order to create larger ideas. Many conversations with adolescents would not be as easy, or even possible, if they were not built onto information presented to the child earlier in life.
In order to help build your child’s knowledge base, I’ve broken down “where do babies come from?” into a series of basic steps that scaffold on one another. By following the steps in order, you may be able to avoid overwhelming your child with information they are not ready to understand, process, or internalize. Additionally, by having the information sectioned into smaller pieces, you have the answers to the next suite of questions at hand when your child is ready to hear them!
These conversations are not prescriptive to a certain age range—there is no one right age to have Mechanics conversations with your children—but I have included rough estimates of when a child may feel ready to approach their safe grown-ups with the questions from each section. I arrived at these estimates by combining a few different sources: my own personal and professional experience; the opinions of other child development professionals; and the psychological concepts I’ve mentioned previously in the book, such as Piaget’s theory of cognitive development—plus a concept I haven’t previously mentioned called theory of mind.
This theory posits that children do not develop the ability to see other people’s perspectives or even acknowledge that other people think differently than they do until they are in the ballpark of four to six years old. This inability to “zoom out”informed the way I wrote the scripts for younger children in this book.
Despite the theoretical lenses that contribute to the age-range recommendations, as we discussed earlier in the Consent for Knowledge chapter, one of the most important people to consult when deciding what information a child is ready for is the person asking the questions—the CHILD! Giving a child information about the content they are requesting gives them a sense of ownership over their knowledge. It also models to them that people’s right to choose what they know is of utmost importance—“The answer to that question might make you feel some interesting feelings, and it’s something other folks might choose to wait to learn.”
As I’m certain you’ve noticed already, the bulk of the language in this book is meant to be tailored to the child you are currently raising. However, as we venture into the topic of where babies come from, we must eventually discuss with our children the parts that they do not have. This is where we have to talk about the language I choose to use in this book—it is very biological and almost entirely gender-neutral. This might feel very foreign, even somewhat off-putting, but the language used in this discussion matters, and so does the confidence you feel in delivering this information to your child. However, if you are more comfortable using words like “mom” and “dad” or “man” and “woman,” that is a valid choice. (Just be prepared for follow-up questions like “What about Tim? He doesn’t have a dad?” or “My friend Carly has two moms—where did she come from?!”)
Being clear from the outset that the cells we are talking about come from a person with a penis and a person with a vagina, and those cells grow in a uterus, you can build a sense of clarity and honesty that are routinely reinforced with every conversation. Later, as they interact with more children from different backgrounds—adoption, IVF, and other less traditional methods of building a family—being adept with accurate biological terminology will matter even more. There will be no question that although Carly had to grow from cells from a person with a penis and a person with a vagina, Carly’s moms are her moms.
And as we discussed previously, using correct terminology helps children feel comfortable talking about their bodies with universally understood terms. As children grow, they need to be able to clearly and unashamedly report injuries or other important information about their bodies to their caregivers. A child who has been taught to call their vulva a “cookie” may report to their pre-K teacher that their “cookie is yucky”—and without context, the teacher would have no idea that this child is uncomfortable because they are having trouble wiping when they go to the bathroom. Using clear, accurate words not only keeps our children healthy, it also protects them from people who might wish to harm them and will exploit a child’s ignorance and innocence to do so.
As I’ve said earlier, one of the most important reasons for establishing body talk as a routine part of your child’s life is that it can help keep them safe. If your child approaches you with a question that seems premature, consider attempting to find out why the child is asking: “That’s an interesting question—what do you think about it?” Asking questions like that can help you parse if they are truly seeking the information you think they’re seeking, or if there’s been a misunderstanding or miscommunication. Further, it can help you determine if your child has access to information they should not have or if they are being exposed to things they are not prepared to see, such as being in the presence of a relative watching movies that are inappropriate for a child their age.
Sometimes it may even be necessary to let your child know that the information they are seeking is not information they are ready to receive: “I understand you’re curious about that because you heard it on the podcast your uncle was listening to, but that kind of language and information is for grown-up brains—your brain is still growing and learning, and when it’s ready, I promise I’ll answer that question for you. We can even write it down so I don’t forget.” Demonstrating that you are willing to both set and maintain boundaries that help protect their development and maintain their safety reinforces that you are there to help them. It reminds your child that you want them to learn in a way that is healthy, and you want them to have information that will empower them rather than frighten or overwhelm them. These boundaries may also help curb an older child’s desire to seek information for themselves from dubious peer resources or the internet.
Sample Scripts: Early Childhood
Phase One: Where Do Babies Grow? (birth to age 3)
This “conversation” isn’t so much a sit-down-and-talk conversation as it is a combination of observations and a general way of viewing the world. Establishing curiosity and a desire to make observations about the world we live in is one of the foundational pieces of these body talks. So at this stage of the game, we are mostly just observing and commenting on what we notice about pregnant bodies and the general process of being pregnant, like the number of weeks the baby has been growing or someone needing to sit down more often. Here are some phrases that you might want to include as you and your child notice pregnant people:
“That person has a baby growing in their uterus!”
“Auntie Kay has a baby growing—it will be born in July! That means that we will have Christmas, your birthday, the end of school, and camping before the baby is born.”
“That baby is really tiny—I think it was born only a few days or weeks ago!”
“We are standing up now so that pregnant person can sit down and rest their body.”
“Your preschool class had baby bunnies this year—they grew inside their mommy’s uterus, too!”
“Only grown-ups have babies grow in their bodies—kids don’t, because their bodies aren’t ready yet.”
The goal of this phase isn’t so much to answer questions as it is to put the Foundations into practice—particularly Curiosity. It shows your child that you yourself are curious about the world and observing what happens around you, and reinforces that they are safe to talk to you about what they see in the world.
Phase Two: What Are Babies Made Of? (ages 2 to 5)
Once kids are used to recognizing what a pregnant body looks like, the questions about the origins of That Baby in There start to come up. This is when you might get your first “where do babies come from?,” but it’s important to recognize that most kids aren’t asking for the whole story at this point. Consent for knowledge and verifying what question you’re answering is vital here. I recommend starting all body talk conversations at this phase, regardless of the age of the child, particularly if it is the first time the child has expressed any interest in the topic.
“Where do babies come from?”
Young/early language child: “Babies are made when two cells combine and help each other grow into a baby! Cells are like your LEGOs, except cells build people!”
Slightly older/more verbal child: “It’s a super cool process! When a baby is made, there are two cells that each have only a part of the instructions to make a baby. So, the cells combine together, and they share their information and work together to make a baby!”
In my experience, young children are satisfied with this level of answer and will not ask you to elaborate until they are ready for more information. Sometimes, however, children express a desire to know more in that moment, at which point you can move to the next phase by asking what more they would like to know.
Phase Three: How Does the Baby Come Out? (ages 3 to 6)
Generally speaking, when referring to where pregnancies occur, most children and adults use more colloquial language: “in her belly” or “in her tummy,” to name two of the most common descriptors. Because of this tendency to blur the lines about what is happening and where it’s happening, children can draw some pretty interesting conclusions about both how a baby got into where it is, and how that baby gets out.
“(horrified stare) Did she EAT the baby?!”
“I’m pretty sure my mom is going to poop out the baby soon (confident nod).”
As adults we know that neither of those assertions is true, but for children, these conclusions are the peak of logic. They are utilizing what those in psychology refer to as schema, or systems of organization that help them make sense of their world by fitting new information into a structure similar to what they already understand. And if they’ve been told that babies grow “in a tummy,” the same place that connects their mouths and their bowels, it makes sense:
A baby grows in a belly.
Things go into the belly through the mouth.
Things leave the belly through the butt.
Therefore, a baby has to be eaten to end up in the belly and must be pooped out to be born.
In order to help children build new schema that are both more accurate and helpful in understanding future concepts (as well as their own body), it is vital that we help kids understand that babies grow in a uterus—a special organ made of muscle that protects the baby—and that babies come out via one of two ways: a vaginal birth or a C-section.
How Do Babies Come Out?
Young/Early Language Child
