Parents, especially parents expecting the arrival of a sibling for their young child, are likely to be asked questions repeatedly for weeks: “How is the baby coming out?” “How will it get out?” “How will it get here?” It can be helpful for both your child and your frustration levels to have a simple, accurate answer that can be supplied automatically, like “Sometimes they are pushed out, sometimes they need help.” This both answers the question and offers some comfort for a child who is noticing how much everything around them is changing. Sometimes a question isn’t really a request for information, but a way of seeking reassurance that their caregiver knows what will happen, and that what will happen isn’t something to worry about.
For children who are seeking information, or who want a more thorough answer, the following is an accurate and age-appropriate answer to the question: “Babies are born! They can come out of the pregnant person’s vagina, which is a part of their body in between their legs, or they can come out from a surgery.”
Slightly Older/More Verbal Child
“The process of a baby being born is called giving birth. Remember how we talked about how people with a uterus also have a vagina and a vulva? Well, when people with a uterus give birth, the strong muscles of the uterus help push the baby down through the vagina and out of the body! Some babies are also born in a different way called a C-section. A C-section is where a doctor very carefully cuts into the uterus and helps the baby come out through the cut they made, which gets closed up after the baby is out!”
Phase Four: Where Do the Cells Come From? (ages 4 to 6)
As kids move into a more concrete and increasingly complex understanding of the world, they start to recognize when their deck is missing cards, so to speak. They start to catch on when answers are simplified for them, and they seek to increase their knowledge of the nuance of the situations they’re discussing. Because of this, one of the pieces of the “where do babies come from?” puzzle is helping kids understand what kinds of cells are combining in a uterus, and where those cells come from. This is not likely a conversation you’ll have to have with a very young child—instead, children ask these questions as they get older, and they may come rapid-fire as part of other conversations.
Cells from the Parents
“There are only two kinds of cells that can make a baby—one is called a sperm, and one is called an egg. The sperm comes from someone with a penis—like your (dad/papa/parent/etc.). The egg comes from someone with a uterus—like your (mom/mama/parent/etc.). Since we knew we needed one of each kind, we agreed that we would share our cells to make you.”
Cells from Donors
“There are only two kinds of cells that can make a baby—one is called a sperm, and one is called an egg. The sperm comes from someone with a penis. The egg comes from someone with a uterus. To make a baby, there has to be one of each, so in order to make you [insert circumstance here—one donor cell into parent or surrogate, two donor cells into parent or surrogate, etc.].”
The follow-up questions during this phase may center around the attributes of the cell:
An EGG?! Like a chicken?
No, not a chicken egg, a people egg! It is so tiny you can’t see it with your eyes, and it doesn’t have a hard shell like a chicken egg, either.
What does an egg look like?
Kind of like it sounds—round, like a chicken egg! But it’s SUPER tiny—you can’t see it with your eye, you have to use a microscope!
What does a sperm look like?
Sperm are similar to eggs in that they’re roundish, but they have a little tail that helps them swim to where they need to be. They are also super tiny—even tinier than an egg!
Why do you need one of each?
Because sperm and eggs only have part of the information to make a person, not all of it! Imagine trying to build [LEGO set/furniture/train set] with only half of the instructions and half of the pieces—would it work? Probably not! The two kinds of cells have to combine to make sure they have all the instructions and all the pieces needed to make a baby!
Early to Middle Childhood Scripts
Phase Five: How Do the Cells Get Into the Uterus? (ages 5 to 7)
This is the part of the discussion that everyone seems to dread, and that I am not even allowed to put on social media for fear of it being taken down. Which is a real shame, because as we’ve established, it’s incredibly valuable to normalize talking with our children about our bodies and how they work.
In this phase of information sharing with children at this age, I believe it is crucial to lead with consent for knowledge. Let your child know that you are happy to answer their questions, but also that they may have follow-up questions or Big Feelings about the knowledge you are about to impart. If the child asserts that they do, indeed, feel ready to hear this information, consider starting by sharing the method used to create your child. Once you have shared the information, remind your child that you will continue to respect their boundaries around knowledge, and that they need to respect other people’s boundaries, too. Part of being “old enough” to ask and have answers to questions that their friends may not have access to is knowing who they can share that information with.
Now you know how babies are made! Who can you talk about this with?
Uhhh … you?
Yes.
Dr. K?
Sure, if you have questions!
My other safe grown-ups?
Absolutely—they are your safe grown-ups in part because they know our family boundaries! [You may consider verifying with your child who the safe grown-ups are, if this is a suggestion they make.]
My friends?
Pump the brakes there, kiddo. Nope! This information is for their safe grown-ups to share with them, not you. If you are unsure if the person you want to talk to about this is okay, then you can always feel safe to ask me and I’ll let you know!
Sex
Unlike in other parts of this book so far, in this section, I use very simplified, gendered language. Though the use of these words can (and should) be phased out as kids mature and develop a more advanced understanding of where babies come from, starting with this very basic language allows their understanding to scaffold over time. As children get older, you can swap out words like “mom” and “dad” for “person with a uterus” and “person with a penis” to help them develop nuance in their understanding of intersecting identities and different family structures. This inclusive language fosters a more complete understanding of the spectrum of people who exist in our world, and establishes a baseline of respect and understanding for our children as they grow.
First: “Well, you know that there have to be two cells to make a baby, right? In order to make a baby, a mom and a dad have to decide to let their bodies touch when they’re naked. Then the cell goes from the penis into the uterus and the baby grows!”
Second: “When the grown-ups are trying to make a baby, the man and the woman use their swimsuit parts together to help the cell go from the penis into the uterus.”
Third: “Sex is when a man puts his penis into a woman’s vagina so that a sperm cell can go into the uterus and combine with a cell called an egg, and once those cells are together, a baby can grow.”
This conversation, in particular, often leads to a myriad of follow-up questions, some of which may be very unexpected:
Do people do that in the night, or in the day?
