As we look back on it now, she can see all the red flags: The perceived pressure (from him and others around her) to be together. The lack of communication but the feeling that she had to agree to physical closeness. “Not that he ever explicitly pressured or coerced me—the sense of duty was being supplied by the voice in my head,” she said. There was very much a feeling of He’s going to dump me if I don’t … Which was how she ended up in the position she was telling me about—feeling like she was at a crossroads.

I had been in a very similar situation at about the same age, and I’m grateful that my story had a happy ending—the interaction stopped before anything regrettable happened, in part because of discussions I’d had with at least one caring adult in the year leading up to that summer.

Like many women my age, I was not immune to believing my worth was tied to how desirable I was in a relationship. An extension of that feeling was thinking that I would be more desirable the more passive or submissive or willing to make my partner happy I was. I know now how lucky I was to have the adults in my life that I did—I had been told for my entire childhood that I was a valuable and cherished person, no strings attached. I also understood that my autonomy was absolute—that my consent was required for a sexual encounter. But it wasn’t until I had a conversation with my older sister that I fully understood: In order to consent, I had to be at least a little bit excited to do whatever I was consenting to.

For children raised with “no means no,” we assume that the concept of consent should be fairly automatic. We assume they understand that bodily autonomy is nonnegotiable and that any physical encounter must include consent. What can become complicated is helping kids understand how their bodily autonomy interacts with other people’s. That’s where the FRIES framework (see page 57) comes into play. FRIES establishes that consent is freely given, reversible, informed, enthusiastic, and specific, sure, but what does that mean in real-world situations?

Teens most frequently have difficulty with the “freely given” and “reversible” aspects of the FRIES framework. We know that consent cannot be given if one party is impaired—if they are under the influence of drugs or alcohol—or if one party is a vulnerable human. But additionally, if there is a power imbalance or one party had to be convinced, coerced, or blackmailed into having sex, the agreement to engage in sex is not considered consent because the “yes” was not freely given. Emotional manipulation like “Don’t you want to make me happy?” and “I just wish we loved each other as much as I thought we did” is something I’ve seen in far too many teen relationships, both in media and in my own life.

Similarly, many teens I’ve spoken with struggle to remember that consent is reversible. As I remind them, “Just because you’ve said yes previously, or you said yes even five seconds ago, doesn’t mean that the ‘yes’ is permanent.” I’ve heard teenagers say that in order to ensure that they are able to prove each person consented—to “provide receipts”—they will take photos or exchange text messages or sign a note that says they both agreed to sex. However, within the FRIES framework, we know that using text messages or phone calls as evidence that someone said yes to something is not the proof people think it is. Just because someone consented in a text message doesn’t mean they consented in the moment, because they can reverse their consent at any point. Instead of thinking of a “gotcha” framework like tangible proof of consent, teens should be asked to reflect on why they might feel like they need tangible proof: “If you are concerned that you may need to prove your partner consented, are you sure that having sex with them is a good idea?”

This goes hand in hand with the “enthusiastic” message in the FRIES construct. When we discuss consent, lots of parents and caregivers focus on the “no” side of things—how to say no, what “no” means, what to do if you feel like someone isn’t respecting your “no” and all of the things that can go wrong. These are all important conversations to have, particularly as we try to raise a generation of children who do not hurt each other by violating consent. But what some folks miss is that consent is inherently about “yes”—what you do want to partake in matters just as much as, if not more than, what you don’t. And when we miss that discussion, we can end up with kids who feel like “yes” is wrong, or shameful, or should be avoided, and who also don’t know that “yes” should be enthusiastic and engaged. Kids (like most people) aren’t always great at seeing the areas in between the ends of the spectrum—it’s either “all the way” or “absolutely not.” So when an in-between thing happens, they might feel torn about whether it was a good thing. Highlighting for our kids that they are in control of their bodies and that they’re allowed to say “yes” when they’re ready is empowering, just as reminding them they can say “no” helps them feel safe. If we highlight their ability to provide (and accept) an enthusiastic “yes,” they will hopefully recognize that proof of consent isn’t necessary when consent is freely given, informed, enthusiastic, and specific.

I want to acknowledge right now that this might feel overwhelming. You might be reading all this and thinking you want to tell your kids “Just don’t do it until you’re adult and know better.” I completely understand that desire, but remember that for most people, the drive for sexual contact is hardwired; humans are designed to want to keep going. It is evolutionarily beneficial for humans to want to make babies. And how do you make babies? With sexual contact. Add the fact that sexual contact feels good, and you have a recipe for people to get carried further into an interaction than they’d planned. There is an extra layer of risk for teens, whose brains aren’t even done cooking and whose impulse control can be questionable at best. Having these (admittedly difficult) conversations is the best thing we can do to protect our children from their own biology. By helping our kids define where their boundaries and limits are and teaching them how to respect other people’s boundaries, we give them the tools they need to find and be safe partners. As a caregiver and safe adult, you need to help your children know how to say yes and how to say no.

Sample Scripts

How Do You Know You’re Ready (for Dating, Sex, and Otherwise)?

As we discussed earlier in the book, kids go through several stages of cognitive development. They also transition through periods of physical development, including puberty. Around age twelve, many children start to experience puberty and its associated hormones. These hormones are responsible for a myriad of changes, and also for a potential increase in sexual curiosity and the beginnings of sexual attraction. At around the same time, Piaget proposes that children begin to move into the formal operational stage of development where they can engage with higher-level thinking and logic. Because of these two changes—an increase in physical attraction and the ability to engage with more complex thoughts about boundaries, morals, needs, consequences, and behaviors—I arrived at what I call the Number Twelve Rule.

This rule states that, beginning at age twelve, children can begin to “date.” This does not mean solo trips to Bali and their own hotel rooms. In the beginning, it means group outings with chaperones nearby in public places; it means finding out that your child is kissing and/or holding hands without freaking out; it means frankly discussing how to navigate sexual urges, peer pressure, and societal expectations with the knowledge that these are forces that may soon be impacting your child. Eventually, when a child has demonstrated that they understand how to advocate for themselves, how to have effective communication with you and with their partner, and how to accurately assess risk, consequences, and reward, they can move into more traditional dating (in my experience closer to ages fourteen, fifteen, and sixteen).

Are You Ready? (ages 11 to 13)

“We’ve talked a bit about dating and having crushes and stuff, and we have talked about how sex works. But we haven’t really talked about how people decide when they’re ready to date—to have a partner, kiss, hold hands, you know, all of that relationship stuff—or when they’re ready to have sex. We have rules about when you are allowed to date—the number twelve rule that we’ve talked about—so you know that after twelve, you can start thinking about if you’re ready to date. But did you know that some people will set goals about when they want to have sex? Some people say they want to wait until they’re married, others want to be engaged first, and some people say they want to wait until they are a certain age. Right now, you are just starting puberty—your brain is changing a lot, and so is your body—so you are not ready to have sex. That will change as you get older, but for now I am telling you that the rules we have in place are to help you develop safely.”

Consent Is About Yes (ages 11+)

“Remember when you were little and you used to ask me for tickles? You would tell me you wanted tiny tickles, not big tickles? And if I tried to give you tickles, you would say, ‘I don’t wanna play that game’? You were practicing how to say yes and ask for the attention you want, and how to say ‘I’m done.’ You get to decide what to do with your body and when you want to do it—no one else gets to pick for you. And you get to decide if you want to keep going or if you want to stop. And when you decide in a safe way what you want to do with your body—hold hands, hug, kiss, and someday have sex—you don’t have to explain why you decided to say yes or no, because you are the boss of your body.”

Legal Consent (ages 12+)

This conversation is going to vary greatly depending on where you live—age-of-consent laws are different from state to state and country to country. Rather than getting into the weeds about what is technically legal or allowed in your area, it might be more helpful to talk to children about what the laws are trying to accomplish: making sure that people who are not able to consent are not being allowed to consent.

Are You Ready? (ages 14+)

If your peers are doing it: “I heard that someone in your class is pregnant. That’s a lot to think about—that’s going to be a big change for them. It certainly makes you think about how pregnancy might impact your life. You know that pregnancy isn’t guaranteed when people have sex, but when sperm and eggs are involved, it’s almost always possible, even when you’re careful. We haven’t ever told you how long you have to wait to have sex—other than to make sure you knew your brain and body weren’t ready as you were starting puberty—but thinking about how long you might want to wait is definitely something you should be doing as you get closer to getting into more serious relationships.”

“I want to remind you that if you do decide to have sex, you can and should come to me to make sure you’re using effective contraceptives. Birth control—whether condoms, the pill, an implant, or another device—is always important to use. You also need to remember that preventing pregnancy is not the only reason to use protection—you also want to prevent sexually transmitted infections. So if you need protection, or need help changing the kind of protection you’re using, please come to me, or another safe adult.”

The myth of tacit permission: “It might feel like by talking about sex with me that I’ll ‘give you permission’ at some point, but I can’t do that—I don’t get to make choices about your body that way. Only you get to make that choice. But if you feel like I can or should give you permission to have sex, do you think you’re ready yet? Part of knowing that you’re ready to have sex is feeling like you don’t have to explain it to me or anyone else—when you’re ready, you should feel empowered and confident in the choice.”

If there is any risk of later doubt, should you do it?: “Oh man, Mack looked really bummed—did he and Brandon break up? Oh, they didn’t? What’s up—I mean, if you want to talk about it. Do you want a Free Pass? Sure, I won’t bring it up after tonight. Oh boy … they had sex, and now he’s feeling like it was a mistake? That’s really hard—was there consent? There was? Okay, well that’s good. But he feels like things are different? Oofda. That’s really hard. What are you thinking about it? Oh jeez, dude, ‘mess around and find out’ isn’t super compassionate, but like … their situation definitely highlights how you have to be pretty confident before you jump all the way in with someone. There can be some complicated emotions afterward, but we definitely don’t want doubt or regret to be in the mix. Alrighty, well, I won’t bring this situation up again, but you can talk to me anytime.”

What Is Rape? (ages 12+)

“Hey, we’ve talked a bit about what consent is, and how to know when you’re ready to share your body with another person. I hope that you are only ever in situations where you feel confident advocating for yourself and that the person you’re with listens to you. It’s important that you know, though, that there are some people who may not listen, and who may feel like they can force you into having sexual contact with them. That is never okay, and there’s a name for forced sexual contact—it’s called rape, and it’s illegal.”

What Is Coercion? (ages 13+)

“Just like the F in FRIES tells us, when we give our ‘yes,’ it must be freely given—it has to be because we really want to. That means there can’t be any coercion. To coerce someone into doing something means convincing the person to do it even though they don’t really want to. With sex, coercion doesn’t usually mean physical force—physically forcing sex is called rape, full stop. Coercion looks like mental and emotional manipulation instead.”

“I was reading that book you left on the coffee table, and wow, that main character really is a piece of work. He tried to coerce his girlfriend into sex! Remember when we talked about what counts as coercion—statements like ‘I’ll leave you,’ ‘I’ll be sad,’ ‘I won’t love you,’ ‘Don’t you love me?’ ‘You’re a shitty partner because you don’t care about my needs,’ and ‘I’ll get my needs met by sleeping with someone else since you won’t do it,’ or behaviors like becoming aggressive, the silent treatment, pouting, intentionally trying to bait someone by contacting ‘alternative options,’ or overtly flirting with people outside the relationship in retaliation—basically, any way a person can try to manipulate another person into having sexual contact with them, that’s coercion. And now I want to finish your book to see if that ever gets addressed!”

Sexual Contact Is Never, Ever, Ever “Owed” (ages 14+)

“I don’t care how nice Joe is to her, Beck doesn’t owe him her body. He can be as attentive as he wants and do all the ‘right’ things—those are his choices. They don’t buy him sex or affection or anything. If he feels like he’s putting too much in and not getting enough back, then he can break up with her. There is literally no scenario where sex is ‘owed,’ and if someone tries to tell you that you owe them sex—feel free to educate them. Or end things with them. Yikes.”

Sometimes Sex Can Be a Waste (ages 14+)

“Man, these ads are unhinged. They put so much pressure on sex and how things ‘should’ be. Sometimes sex is just … fine. Don’t get me wrong, sex can be really good, but sometimes people have sex and it isn’t what they hoped, or it wasn’t as fulfilling as they wanted it to be, or maybe they didn’t really want to do it after all, even though they thought they did. Regretting sex happens, and it doesn’t mean you or your partner did anything wrong, necessarily—it means that you both need to reassess before you try again, if you try again with that person.”

Remember: We’re All in This Together, and Lots of Us Are Lost

Acknowledging the spectrum of relationships and how people choose to engage in sexual encounters is one of the most complicated topics we’ll have to discuss with our children. How do we go from discussing that consent needs to be an explicit and enthusiastic “yes” to acknowledging that some folks want an element of “cat and mouse” in their sexual encounters? Even we, as adults, don’t always get the nuances correct, so how can we possibly teach our kids?

The answer is to Keep. Talking. About. It. Be honest with them—at the beginning of their escapades into romance, dating, and sexuality, there should be no ambiguity. “May I hold your hand?” is a great question, and even if as an adult you feel like you can read people’s body language, it’s not a question we should sneer at. As people get older, timing, body language, expectations, stigma, and setting all matter even more than they ever have, and are influenced heavily by the culture in which the people live. In the US alone there are a myriad of different expectations for courtship, dating, and relationships.

Unfortunately, the variability in these conversations means fitting them all into this book is impossible—there are just too many different scenarios, individual personalities, and desired outcomes to be able to spell them all out without writing an additional volume. What I can say is that we should continually remind our kids that their boundaries matter, that they also need to pay attention to the boundaries of the people they are interested in, that there will be times when they zig when they should have zagged, and that ultimately, so long as they do not hurt anyone, they will be all right, even if they are temporarily embarrassed.

Beyond navigating the complexities of establishing sexual relationships, it’s also important that we discuss the other dynamics of adult relationships that kids are learning about. When I think back to the information I had access to as an early teen, I remember the most “out there” representations of sex and relationships coming from a stolen Playboy magazine and a couple of bodice-ripper romance novels. When I scroll the internet now, it is instantly obvious that kids have so much more shown to them than I ever did. I didn’t even know the definition of BDSM when I was thirteen; now there are incredibly popular and painfully inaccurate fanfics, novels, and videos readily available only a click away. Even if it squicks us out, we have to consider that if we don’t address the facts of sex and relationships with our kids, someone else might feed them full of … well, bullshit.

Do You Have a Condom?

This next set of scripts is very similar to scripts you’ll see in the next chapter, on topics including discussions of safer sex, the importance of condoms, the need to advocate for yourself with a partner, and informed consent. As with most other topics, the dialogue around safer sex needs to be ongoing, open, honest, and nonjudgmental. The difference between those previous scripts and the following are that these next few scripts can provide ammunition for your child to use with a partner who may not be adhering to the standards your child has established for themselves.

“Protection should not be coy—knowing how you and your partner plan to be safe is a feature of the ‘Informed’ part of the FRIES framework for consent. Birth control—the pill, an implant, whatever—is fine, but it doesn’t prevent STIs. If you haven’t discussed each other’s testing status, is that truly informed consent? You get to decide what level of confirmation you need—for some folks, just their partner’s word is enough, while others want receipts—but there needs to at least be a discussion about it. You can also change your mind if your partner doesn’t respect your protection needs.”

“You know how I feel about condoms—you should always have your own that have been stored correctly—and if that’s not okay with your partner, then y’all need to go buy them together. It can be a compromise to go get them together, but using someone else’s musty, dusty, stored-in-the-glovebox-and-maybe-full-of-holes condom is not it.”

“Darlin’, if they are fighting with you about protection—ESPECIALLY if they are arguing that what they are doing is enough when the science says it clearly isn’t … please see that for the red flag it is! The rhythm method and pulling out are not adequate protection. You know that!”

Communication Is Key—That’s Why It’s a Pillar (ages 14+)

“So, duh, consent has to happen before sex. But is that the only time you need it? NO. Correct. Consent is something that is super tied to communication—one of the four Pillars of Safe Sex. Remember, the S in FRIES tells you that consent needs to be specific. If anything changes about what two partners are doing, then consent needs to be verified—check-ins have to happen! ‘Oh, we moved from the couch to my room—how are you feeling? Is this still good?’ or maybe your partner wants to roll over and try another position—don’t roll your eyes, this is important!—you can verify consent and keep it sexy. Even just letting your partner know that you like it and want to keep going is an important part of communication and consent!”

You Have a Free Pass (ages 13+)

Something to remember is that the Free Pass counts within specific discussions of sex, too. If something happens and your child feels complicated about it, or feels like it was a mistake, or wants to talk about it but not have to hear about it later—they can use their Free Pass within the boundaries you’ve established. So long as it’s not something that will have serious long-term consequences for their health or safety, you shouldn’t bring it up again after the discussion. If it will have long-term consequences but they are looking for your help without extensive discussion about it in the moment, then they can use their Free Pass and say they want to talk about it after the current situation has been handled and they have had time to prepare.

Reminder of when a child or teen might use this card:

I want access to birth control options that require a doctor (the pill, an implant, IUDs, etc.).

I need a morning-after pill.