As I’ve said in previous portions of this book, sometimes your kids don’t want the information from you. It’s not because they don’t trust you or because there is something wrong with your bond; some kids are just very private human beings. They feel uncomfortable acknowledging their own existence, much less their own sexuality. If you have one of these kids, be incredibly careful and pick your battles about what needs to be discussed. If it’s a biological concept and an answer is available in book form, hand them the book. If they might feel more comfortable getting this information from a trusted adult like a doctor, allow the doctor to explain it. Choose which topics require a discussion with you, and for the others, allow them the out of getting the information from a different source that you trust to be accurate, safe, and responsible. Respecting your child’s autonomy and privacy will go so much further than forcing them to feel they have to hide from you lest they be driven into uncomfortable conversations.

CHAPTER 8: IN BRIEF

One of the most universal experiences in parenting is being faced with the question “where do babies come from?” and having to decide the best way to answer it. Like with most other topics related to bodies, reproduction can and should be presented to children factually with age-appropriate information that can be scaffolded and reinforced as they grow.

Key Takeaways

Babies grow in a uterus, which is a special organ made of muscle whose job is to grow babies.

Babies are made with two cells—a sperm and an egg. These cells combine their information and grow into a baby.

Babies come out either through a person’s vagina or through an incision in their stomach called a C-section.

The cells required to make a baby come from one person with a penis and one person with a vagina, and can be combined inside someone’s body through sex or through intrauterine insemination, or outside someone’s body through in vitro fertilization.

For younger children: Only grown-ups should be having sex.

Sex does not always result in a baby—sex can also happen because it feels good—but people should remember that most vaginal sex can result in a baby, so they should plan accordingly and use protection if they do not want to have a baby.

PART 3 SPECIFICS

Once you get the hang of the Mechanics conversations, it kind of feels like the world is your oyster. You feel confident using biological terms, you know how to keep things positive—your kid knows they can ask you anything, they’re curious, and they have the power to consent to knowledge. For a while it feels like everything is coming up roses … and then the Specifics show up.

The Specifics are conversations that need to be had when kids start really thinking about the fact that sex requires at least two people. Because if there are two people, and one of those people is them, then … the questions start popping up like weeds The following chapters are designed to help you start conversations about how the Mechanics work in the context of interpersonal relationships—how people get from exploring themselves to exploring each other.

Just as they were in the Mechanics chapters, the Foundations are going to be instrumental in navigating these conversations. Keeping unconditional positive regard at the forefront of every discussion is going to help ease a child’s mind as they begin trying to grapple with what exactly it means to be a person who can be in a relationship. Curiosity will allow a child to ask the questions that come into their mind, even if they do so through the lens of a hypothetical “friend” rather than admitting they are the ones wondering. Curiosity, too, can help a parent encourage a child to consider the morals that come up outside the context of simple Mechanics: “What might you do if your friend is drunk at a party and you see them walking into a bedroom with someone else?”

Consent for knowledge becomes somehow both more nuanced and easier as children move into the Specifics conversations. It is more nuanced because children in middle childhood need to know different levels of information than children in later adolescence. But it’s simpler because as children reach the age where Specifics become more interesting to them, they will sometimes just … ask you the question, and you can answer it.

As you embark on these discussions, please do not hesitate to continue reviewing the Mechanics chapters. As your kids develop a broader understanding of interpersonal relationships, they may want to revisit some of the simpler information and apply their new understanding to how things work. Remember your boundaries and enjoy the adventure!

CHAPTER 9 The Feels

My parents met in the fall of 1969. My dad, a twenty-one-year-old army veteran newly home from Vietnam, had spent a large part of his first months home trying to recover from what he had witnessed during his time overseas. My mother, on the other hand, was a fresh high school graduate excited to branch out into life as an adult. The freshman mixer was the place to be on their college campus, so naturally both of them were there. My mom had just walked into the venue with her roommate and was surveying the room when she spotted him. He was six feet six and lean from his army service, with dark hair and a thick moustache. She turned to her roommate and pointed him out: “See that man over there? That’s the man I’m going to marry.” She did what any savvy woman would do: She loosened the belt that was delicately balanced on her hips accessorizing her sheath dress—and sauntered across his path. She timed her steps just right, and bam—the belt slipped over her hips, down her legs, and landed on the floor as she walked away. My dad didn’t even know what hit him—he picked up the belt to hand it back to her, and the rest was history. They were engaged three months later and married a year after that.

They went on to have five kids, live in three states, and earn graduate degrees. My mom never hesitated to share the story of how they met, and my dad was forever leaving my mom little notes about how much he loved her and his family. There was a lot of love in the house where I grew up, and my parents were both really intentional about how they expressed that to their children—they both said they were going to be “huggin’ and kissin’ ” parents. They wanted us to always feel comfortable coming to them for snuggles, climbing into their laps, or just generally seeking them out for physical comfort because neither of them had had that in abundance growing up.

My parents also made sure we understood that if we decided to share our lives with a partner, we should be aiming for a healthy, happy relationship like theirs. They never fought in front of us, they expressed their emotions effectively, and overall they modeled what a marriage could be when both people worked at it.

They were pretty ahead of their time, especially given where I grew up. As I’ve mentioned, they didn’t shy away from the topic of sex—if we asked a question, they answered, and they were honest about sex being for making babies. I ask my friends now how much their parents taught them about sex and relationships, and for many, the answer was “Don’t get knocked up or knock anyone up!” So I am grateful for how much information I got, and for the healthy modeling of an adult relationship. The problem was this: Sex was almost exclusively discussed in the context of a happy, loving, monogamous coupling. I don’t remember it ever being explicitly stated, but I do remember internalizing that sex could happen outside of marriage, but it was best within it. So much better, in fact, that we shouldn’t ever discuss why it was better—just take it as fact.

To be clear, I do not fault my mother for not tackling the intimacy discussion—it certainly was not something she had modeled for her, and the conversations she had with my siblings and me about sex were instrumental in keeping us as safe and happy as we were. But by not talking about intimacy, particularly sexual intimacy, her teachings missed a key part of what makes a happy, healthy partnership.

Yes, it feels weird to consider talking about intimacy with my children. But when you step back and think about it for a second, books, television, and movies are already giving them the information … only less accurately and significantly less helpfully! The examples of relationships that our kids are getting from the media they consume can be not only inaccurate, but harmful, too. In one of my psychopathology classes, a student shared a clip from a show called Miraculous: Tales of Ladybug & Cat Noir. In the clip, one of the characters was shown dealing with her attraction to someone by memorizing his schedule, stealing his cell phone, and manufacturing ways to bump into him in public. It was appalling that no one on the show called the behavior what it was: stalking. I went home that night and made sure I had a conversation with my children about what love and relationships look like, because heaven forbid they ever see something like that show and think stalking = love.

By making the definitions of both intimacy and relationships very clear, it becomes much easier for our kids to develop a gauge for what healthy relationships look like for them. Imagine how much more comfortable our kids would be if, rather than trying to guess and using the often questionable representations of young relationships in media, they had frequent and thoughtful conversations about their expectations and needs with the adults who care about them the most.

You might be struggling to talk to your kids about intimacy because we usually associate intimacy with romantic relationships, but intimacy is vital to humans all throughout their development. At its most basic, intimacy is the bond one individual forms with another (or others) in which they feel understood, respected, cared for, and comfortable sharing emotions and expressing private thoughts and feelings. None of those feelings are inherently romantic or sexual (and not everyone experiences romantic or sexual feelings, anyway)—they can be felt by people in relationships of many different kinds.

Though there is variation in the research, intimacy can generally be broken down into four different types: emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical. In all four types, individuals feel accepted and understood, and establish a willingness to communicate because of trust. However, each type of intimacy is formed through different domains. Emotional intimacy is closeness of feeling; sharing how you feel and hearing how somebody else feels; and feeling comfortable to express your emotions openly. Mental or intellectual intimacy is the sense that you can share your ideas and thoughts with another person; that you can explore big ideas together, or that the other person will help you grow by helping you think about things nonjudgmentally. Spiritual intimacy is closely related to both emotional and mental intimacy, but is tied specifically to a feeling that you can share your innermost beliefs—your purpose, your spiritual beliefs, or your religious beliefs—with another person without judgment. The other person may not have the same beliefs, but there is a sense that you are able to express those beliefs without fear of losing your connection. Finally, physical intimacy means feeling respected and safe while being physically close to someone. This includes what most people first think of when they hear the term “intimacy”—sex. But sex isn’t the only form of physical intimacy, and sex isn’t always an expression of physical intimacy.

Understanding the different types of intimacy and recognizing their influence on both platonic and romantic relationships is an important lesson for us, and for our children. In early and middle childhood, it helps children understand the purpose of friendship. We can ask “Why are the people who are in your life in your life?” Think about the friendships you’ve had throughout your life—the good ones and the bad ones. The good ones usually have one of the forms of intimacy established—they make us feel emotionally seen, intellectually stimulated, spiritually fulfilled, or physically safe. Do you have people in your life who provide none of these feelings of safety, security, or growth? If they are around you, taking up your time and energy without fulfilling any of those needs … should they be around? As our children navigate the often treacherous waters of adolescent friendships, having a solid grasp on the purpose of friendship can help them identify their true friends and separate themselves from the ones who are in their circle simply because of proximity. Taking it one step further, as they get old enough to consider picking romantic partners, they can ask themselves the same questions: Does my romantic partner tick at least one intimacy box? Have I hit the jackpot and found someone who ticks all four boxes? And is that a two-way street—does my partner feel a sense of intimacy with me?

As our children spread their wings and begin dating, it’s important that they realize a long-term partnership requires all four levels of intimacy, not just physical intimacy, even though their biology is driving their hormones toward that physical fulfillment. Conveying to our children that the other forms of intimacy contribute significantly to a healthy relationship can help them make more fulfilling choices. They may even choose to delay sexual encounters to determine if their chosen partner provides other forms of intimacy before moving on to explore sexual intimacy.

In addition to intimacy, some theorists study the concept of love and its various forms within relationships. Psychologist and psychometrician Robert Sternberg proposed what he called the triangular theory of love, which states that the forms of love are based in three domains: intimacy (a sense of a closeness), passion (physical attraction and related phenomena like sex), and decision/commitment to the relationship (a decision that love exists between the people, and if the relationship lasts, a commitment to maintain it). These factors can exist on their own or combine to form seven different forms of love, and all forms of love can grow into each other and change over time:

Intimacy alone without passion or commitment is known as liking or friendship.

Passion without intimacy or commitment is called infatuation.

Commitment without passion or intimacy is called empty love.

Passion and intimacy with no commitment is called romantic love.

Intimacy and commitment with no passion is called companionate love.

Passion and commitment with no intimacy is known as fatuous love.

Love that includes passion, intimacy, and commitment—the most “complete” and often idealized form of love—is called consummate love.

Thankfully, intimacy, love, and relationships are like most other sensitive and complex topics—they can be discussed in small bites over time. There’s no need to navigate one big sit-down talk that covers everything, mostly because that would be both ineffective and impossible! No, frequent check-ins about the following topics, along with modeling your own priorities, values, and healthy relationships (both platonic and romantic) will help show your child what they should be aiming for as they navigate intimacy.

Sample Scripts

To Thine Own Self Be True (all childhood)

Checking in with our children and helping them understand who they are—what their core values and beliefs are—is difficult to do when we haven’t figured out what our own core values and beliefs are. All too often I see parents who are distraught over a choice their child has made—quitting a sport, joining an activity, ending a friendship—without reflecting on why they are attached to their child’s choice.

When my eldest child tried—and was indifferent toward—basketball, I was sad. I knew he was bound to be pretty tall—over six feet—and basketball has a long legacy in my family. I tried for a bit to ignite the passion for basketball in him—we played at open gym, would shoot around outside when we got the chance, and talked about the fundamentals of the game. He engaged in all those activities with gusto, and he was pretty good, too! But when I signed him up for a basketball camp or asked if he wanted to join the rec team, the most enthusiasm I got was an indifferent shrug. He would do it if I made him, but he certainly wasn’t excited about it. When I finally gave in and asked what made him like basketball but not want to do basketball, he said, “The people. The other boys on the team aren’t very kind and make me feel bad when I make mistakes. I don’t want to be with them.”

Well, crud. Now I was at a crossroads. I didn’t want him to internalize that you should quit what you enjoy just because other people suck, but I also didn’t want him to learn that Mom was going to force him to be around people he didn’t like just because he kind of liked basketball (and Mom really liked basketball). We had a heart-to-heart, and as we talked, I had to keep this one question central in my mind: What is right for him? He talked to me about what he liked: He liked dribbling with Mom. He liked shooting with Mom. He liked open gym … with Mom. When it came to activities he enjoyed without Mom, he said he loved swimming, theater, and playing D&D with his friends. He had a clear head on what he valued, and I needed to honor that he could make decisions for himself about his free time. I needed to realize that my attachment to basketball was rooted in my own passion for the sport, and in some fantasy I had about cheering for him in a “traditional” sport. I hadn’t recognized that I could cheer for him in countless other arenas that would make him so much happier than basketball ever could. I was a little bit sad that I might not have anyone to cheer for from the bleachers in a packed gymnasium, but I was significantly more proud that I had a child who was not only aware of what he wanted, but willing to advocate for himself to the most powerful adult he knew at the time—his mom.

As he’s grown, we’ve continued touching base about how his core values intersect with his physical and developmental needs. He hasn’t been allowed to ditch all sports, even though he doesn’t love to compete, because it’s good for his development to remain physically active and learn how to operate in a team environment. But rather than a sport like basketball, he has chosen the swim team as his “I’m going to learn about being a high school athlete” home. And as the results of his other decisions—both good and bad—play out, he can use the discussions we’ve had about his values and needs as an ever-evolving manual to help him become the adult he wants to be.

Checking in and making these conversations intentional has also helped me understand him so much better than I would have otherwise. I know the answers to questions like “What makes you happy?” I could list what he would say if I asked him “How do you like to spend your time?” He is prepped and ready to answer when I ask “What makes you feel appreciated? What makes you feel safe? When do you feel the best? What makes you sad? What do you do when you’re feeling scared?” Though there have been times when he has made choices in direct contrast to his core values—everyone makes mistakes—when the consequences of those choices came back around, ultimately, it was those values and his sense of safety in coming to me for help that navigated him back to the course he wanted for himself.

My hope for my children—and for all children—is that as they leave childhood and enter the adult world they have a sense of what matters to them, and a willingness to pause and check in with themselves as they grow. Because those skills will be paramount in maintaining healthy, happy relationships with their friends, coworkers, family, partners, and, ultimately, their own children.

What Makes a Good Relationship? (ages 11+)

The world is full of people—gross, right? Just all these people with their own dreams and goals and wants and needs and agendas and flaws. I mean, it makes sense that we have all of those things, but when you zoom out and think about how there are literally eight billion other people on this planet who are just like that? It’s almost too much to consider. Because that means that beyond knowing themselves, our children need interpersonal skills. They need to be able to not only assert their core values but understand and react to other people’s core values. Thankfully, we can teach our kids these interpersonal skills, and also impress upon them how valuable these skills are in a partner.

Research on relationships is varied in type and scope, but most researchers, clinicians, and coaches agree on some fundamental building blocks of a healthy relationship. These blocks include communication, respect, trust, safety, honesty, responsibility, boundaries, and compatibility. As you read that list, you probably nodded to yourself and thought, Heck yes, that’s exactly my list. Same! I agree—those are all essential concepts to have in a healthy relationship. Now … define them.

I’ll wait.