“Only grown-ups have babies grow in their bodies—kids don’t, because their bodies aren’t ready yet.”

The goal of this phase isn’t so much to answer questions as it is to put the Foundations into practice—particularly Curiosity. It shows your child that you yourself are curious about the world and observing what happens around you, and reinforces that they are safe to talk to you about what they see in the world.

Phase Two: What Are Babies Made Of? (ages 2 to 5)

Once kids are used to recognizing what a pregnant body looks like, the questions about the origins of That Baby in There start to come up. This is when you might get your first “where do babies come from?,” but it’s important to recognize that most kids aren’t asking for the whole story at this point. Consent for knowledge and verifying what question you’re answering is vital here. I recommend starting all body talk conversations at this phase, regardless of the age of the child, particularly if it is the first time the child has expressed any interest in the topic.

“Where do babies come from?”

Young/early language child: “Babies are made when two cells combine and help each other grow into a baby! Cells are like your LEGOs, except cells build people!”

Slightly older/more verbal child: “It’s a super cool process! When a baby is made, there are two cells that each have only a part of the instructions to make a baby. So, the cells combine together, and they share their information and work together to make a baby!”

In my experience, young children are satisfied with this level of answer and will not ask you to elaborate until they are ready for more information. Sometimes, however, children express a desire to know more in that moment, at which point you can move to the next phase by asking what more they would like to know.

Phase Three: How Does the Baby Come Out? (ages 3 to 6)

Generally speaking, when referring to where pregnancies occur, most children and adults use more colloquial language: “in her belly” or “in her tummy,” to name two of the most common descriptors. Because of this tendency to blur the lines about what is happening and where it’s happening, children can draw some pretty interesting conclusions about both how a baby got into where it is, and how that baby gets out.

“(horrified stare) Did she EAT the baby?!”

“I’m pretty sure my mom is going to poop out the baby soon (confident nod).”

As adults we know that neither of those assertions is true, but for children, these conclusions are the peak of logic. They are utilizing what those in psychology refer to as schema, or systems of organization that help them make sense of their world by fitting new information into a structure similar to what they already understand. And if they’ve been told that babies grow “in a tummy,” the same place that connects their mouths and their bowels, it makes sense:

A baby grows in a belly.

Things go into the belly through the mouth.

Things leave the belly through the butt.

Therefore, a baby has to be eaten to end up in the belly and must be pooped out to be born.

In order to help children build new schema that are both more accurate and helpful in understanding future concepts (as well as their own body), it is vital that we help kids understand that babies grow in a uterus—a special organ made of muscle that protects the baby—and that babies come out via one of two ways: a vaginal birth or a C-section.

How Do Babies Come Out?

Young/Early Language Child

Parents, especially parents expecting the arrival of a sibling for their young child, are likely to be asked questions repeatedly for weeks: “How is the baby coming out?” “How will it get out?” “How will it get here?” It can be helpful for both your child and your frustration levels to have a simple, accurate answer that can be supplied automatically, like “Sometimes they are pushed out, sometimes they need help.” This both answers the question and offers some comfort for a child who is noticing how much everything around them is changing. Sometimes a question isn’t really a request for information, but a way of seeking reassurance that their caregiver knows what will happen, and that what will happen isn’t something to worry about.

For children who are seeking information, or who want a more thorough answer, the following is an accurate and age-appropriate answer to the question: “Babies are born! They can come out of the pregnant person’s vagina, which is a part of their body in between their legs, or they can come out from a surgery.”

Slightly Older/More Verbal Child

“The process of a baby being born is called giving birth. Remember how we talked about how people with a uterus also have a vagina and a vulva? Well, when people with a uterus give birth, the strong muscles of the uterus help push the baby down through the vagina and out of the body! Some babies are also born in a different way called a C-section. A C-section is where a doctor very carefully cuts into the uterus and helps the baby come out through the cut they made, which gets closed up after the baby is out!”

Phase Four: Where Do the Cells Come From? (ages 4 to 6)

As kids move into a more concrete and increasingly complex understanding of the world, they start to recognize when their deck is missing cards, so to speak. They start to catch on when answers are simplified for them, and they seek to increase their knowledge of the nuance of the situations they’re discussing. Because of this, one of the pieces of the “where do babies come from?” puzzle is helping kids understand what kinds of cells are combining in a uterus, and where those cells come from. This is not likely a conversation you’ll have to have with a very young child—instead, children ask these questions as they get older, and they may come rapid-fire as part of other conversations.

Cells from the Parents

“There are only two kinds of cells that can make a baby—one is called a sperm, and one is called an egg. The sperm comes from someone with a penis—like your (dad/papa/parent/etc.). The egg comes from someone with a uterus—like your (mom/mama/parent/etc.). Since we knew we needed one of each kind, we agreed that we would share our cells to make you.”

Cells from Donors

“There are only two kinds of cells that can make a baby—one is called a sperm, and one is called an egg. The sperm comes from someone with a penis. The egg comes from someone with a uterus. To make a baby, there has to be one of each, so in order to make you [insert circumstance here—one donor cell into parent or surrogate, two donor cells into parent or surrogate, etc.].”

The follow-up questions during this phase may center around the attributes of the cell:

An EGG?! Like a chicken?

No, not a chicken egg, a people egg! It is so tiny you can’t see it with your eyes, and it doesn’t have a hard shell like a chicken egg, either.

What does an egg look like?

Kind of like it sounds—round, like a chicken egg! But it’s SUPER tiny—you can’t see it with your eye, you have to use a microscope!

What does a sperm look like?

Sperm are similar to eggs in that they’re roundish, but they have a little tail that helps them swim to where they need to be. They are also super tiny—even tinier than an egg!

Why do you need one of each?

Because sperm and eggs only have part of the information to make a person, not all of it! Imagine trying to build [LEGO set/furniture/train set] with only half of the instructions and half of the pieces—would it work? Probably not! The two kinds of cells have to combine to make sure they have all the instructions and all the pieces needed to make a baby!

Early to Middle Childhood Scripts

Phase Five: How Do the Cells Get Into the Uterus? (ages 5 to 7)

This is the part of the discussion that everyone seems to dread, and that I am not even allowed to put on social media for fear of it being taken down. Which is a real shame, because as we’ve established, it’s incredibly valuable to normalize talking with our children about our bodies and how they work.

In this phase of information sharing with children at this age, I believe it is crucial to lead with consent for knowledge. Let your child know that you are happy to answer their questions, but also that they may have follow-up questions or Big Feelings about the knowledge you are about to impart. If the child asserts that they do, indeed, feel ready to hear this information, consider starting by sharing the method used to create your child. Once you have shared the information, remind your child that you will continue to respect their boundaries around knowledge, and that they need to respect other people’s boundaries, too. Part of being “old enough” to ask and have answers to questions that their friends may not have access to is knowing who they can share that information with.

Now you know how babies are made! Who can you talk about this with?

Uhhh … you?

Yes.

Dr. K?

Sure, if you have questions!

My other safe grown-ups?