Time for the erection conversation.

“That’s called an erection, sweetheart. It just means that your penis has a lot of blood in it and that makes it look like it’s a bit … longer. You might notice that it feels stiff or hardened, too. That happens to most people with a penis, and it will go away soon. No need to worry. You can just go potty and go back to bed.”

She thought about telling him that erections are normal, or that they happen at night all the time, or that it was a sign his body was working as expected. But it was the middle of the night, they were both exhausted, and the odds that he would internalize anything more than the base message of “Mom gave you science and said to go back to bed” were slim. So she decided that she’d already said more than technically necessary, turned back over, and fell asleep.

Or tried to. A few moments later, after almost dozing off, she heard a frustrated groan from the bathroom. As she crossed the threshold into the bathroom, she spotted a poor little kid who had not accounted for physics. There was pee pretty much everywhere—the floor, his jammies, the shower curtain—and he was holding his still erect penis down in the toilet bowl. He had forgotten to aim. As he locked eyes with her, he spouted wisdom that can only come from the lived experience of having a penis:

“Sometimes these things just don’t behave.”

Explaining exactly how “these things” work is probably a whole lot easier when you have your own experience to fall back on. Much like someone with a uterus can’t perfectly convey what it’s like to experience menstrual cramps, I am certain that no description of being “kicked in the balls” has ever captured what it actually feels like. The thing is, though, even when I describe my menstrual cramps to another person with a uterus, they won’t ever know if what I’m describing is exactly what they feel because they can’t be inside my body, feeling what I feel. This is the reason I remind parents that they need to listen as much as they talk, even if it’s about a common experience. Similarly, that listening has to come from a safe, nonjudgmental viewpoint—kids need space to share their perspective, especially if it differs from the “norm,” and they need support. In my experience, the quickest way to shut a child down and leave them feeling like they have to go it alone is to make it seem like you’re going to judge them.

I’d be lying if I told you we can’t leave kids to figure stuff out on their own—it’s an option! The internet exists, and even if we skip giving our kids the “this is how you research” talk, they’ll get at least a few bits of accurate information, all things considered. However, if we want our kids to have accurate information that will keep them safe, healthy, and happy, we must be involved in the discussions, at least somewhat. So if we feel unsure, then it’s up to us to take the first step in handling these conversations about body parts—the ones we have and the ones we don’t: educating ourselves. In chapter 6, we got a crash course in what kids need to know about having a period, as well as other body changes that happen during puberty. This chapter covers similar topics, but also addresses some of the stereotypes that often accompany the physical changes of puberty for young people with a penis. Because ultimately, changing bodies can be confusing and disorienting, especially when the information you’re getting from outside sources doesn’t match the information you’ve been raised with.

Sample Scripts

What Is An Erection?

Early Childhood (ages 2 to 6)

“Your penis/the baby’s penis is long and feels/looks stiff like that because it has extra blood in it right now. That happens sometimes! It will stop eventually.”

“I know it feels different when your penis has an erection, and you can touch it if you want, but only in your bedroom or in the bathroom, by yourself, and with clean hands.”

Middle Childhood (ages 7 to 10)

“Erections—when the penis gets full of blood so it looks longer and feels harder—happen for lots of different reasons and at lots of different times. Sometimes people wake up with an erection, sometimes they have them when they are excited about another person, and sometimes they happen for no real reason at all. Eventually they go away on their own, but sometimes people choose to touch their erection for a while because it feels good, and then it goes away.”

Adolescence (ages 10+)

Helping a child navigate their changing body is always going to include helping them deal with potentially embarrassing situations (I was pretty sure I would never live down my pad leaking through my jeans at youth group). For people with a penis, this means preparing them for the sneak-attack erections that can happen as they go through puberty (and beyond). This includes not only warning them they might experience these sneak attacks and helping them figure out how they can build “concealment systems” into their everyday lives, but also reminding them that they are not alone.

“You may have erections at the most random times—they might happen when you expect them to, like after seeing an attractive person, but they can also happen after things that you never expected. Getting an erection does not say anything about what you like or what’s happening in your brain. All it means is that your body decided now was a good time to fill your penis with blood. As you get through puberty, the erections will calm down some and happen at less annoying, more predictable times.”

“If you are worried about getting an erection during school, you might want to consider getting a binder that you can keep your notebook and pen in and use as a cover. You can also wear thicker pants like jeans or sweats, or carry a sweatshirt with you. You have options.”

“I’m going to share with you one of the best things I ever heard, from my friend Warren when we were sixteen. He told me there’s really no reason to bother worrying about covering up a sneak-attack erection because at your age, they’re happening to everyone. Just try not to stare at anyone else’s, wait it out, don’t be a jerk when it happens to other people, and you’ll be fine. You’re all in the trenches together on this one.”

Nocturnal Emissions (Wet Dreams)

Middle Childhood/Adolescence (ages 8 or 9+)

“Pretty soon you may start to have erections while you’re sleeping—you may have already woken up with an erection. As you get older, this might happen more, and you may notice that sometimes you wake up and your underwear feels damp or wet. This means that your body ejaculated—released some semen from your penis—while you were asleep. Semen is the liquid that carries sperm cells out of your testicles—it’s not pee. This is totally normal and something that most people with a penis experience. When it happens, you should clean yourself off with a damp cloth or a wipe and put your underwear in the hamper or in the washing machine. Please make sure you fold it in a way that no one will accidentally touch the semen if they are doing the laundry.”

Body Hair

Early and Middle Childhood (ages 3 to 11)

Again, facts and neutrality are the approach for children at this age.

“The hair that’s on swimsuit parts is called pubic hair. It grows there for lots of different reasons. People grow it when they get older—most kids your age don’t have it. Some grown-ups choose to remove their pubic hair, but everyone gets to pick what works best for them.”

Shaving

Adolescence (ages 12+)

“I wanted to let you know that I bought shaving cream, some aftershave, and a razor for you and left them in the bathroom. You don’t have to use them yet, but you might want to consider starting to experiment with them. I do not expect you to shave right now because you’re not really growing much on your face, but eventually you’ll probably want to learn how to because it’s a fun way to play with how you look. You know Grandpa has a beard, but Uncle Tony has a goatee. And lots of folks, you know, just have bare faces. It’s just a fun form of self-expression. Just make sure you use the shaving cream, and you shave along with the direction of your hair. I can show you how to do it, or we can find some videos online if you’d like.”

Body Odor

Middle Childhood (ages 10+)

“Hey, dude—check your dresser. I left a couple sticks of deodorant on top. You don’t technically have to wear deodorant, but we live in a part of the world where folks expect people to have pleasant body odor, or at least neutral or no body odor. Most people don’t have that naturally, so I bought you some different deodorant scents. They’re kind of like cologne—you can pick which one you like or smells the best to you, or just go with the one that has the least scent—it’s up to you! I also want to remind you that you need to be taking showers every day. Or at least every other day. That’s important for helping to control body odor, but it’s also important to help keep your body clean and healthy.”

Physical Changes (Muscles, Height, Voice)

Middle Childhood (ages 8+)

“I noticed that everybody in your class is starting to become all different heights. Isn’t that wild? Yeah, some of you are getting closer to puberty, which means your bodies are going to start changing a lot. I want you to remember that you can always come to me with questions, and even though I don’t have the same parts as you, I can either tell you the answer or help you find the answer somewhere else.”

“Hey, kiddo, you’re getting to an age where people are going to be changing a lot and at very different rates. Some people are going to get tall really fast, whereas others are going to take longer to grow and not get as tall. Some people are going to really bulk out, they’re going to get a lot of muscles super fast, and other people are going to stay like a string bean. Some people, like us, are going to put on a little bit of extra weight to help fuel getting taller and more muscular. All these changes can feel really awkward, especially because it feels like most people aren’t changing at the same rate as you. The truth is, they’re not, and that’s okay.”

Self-Exploration—Again

If you’re reading this book straight through, you might be wondering why the following scripts seem like a reiteration of chapter 5. The reason stems from both my professional experience and the anecdotal experiences of other professionals. Children may be feeling lots of increased curiosity during this time in their lives. They want to explore their bodies because they know it feels good. This may lead to an uptick in frequency of self-stimulation, but the co-occurring onset of puberty can also mean an uptick in shame and secrecy. Think about the language surrounding teen masturbation in books, movies, and television shows: “jerking it,” “stiff socks,” “crispy towels,” served with a heavy side-eye and jabs about being horny, but very little acknowledgment of what might actually be the most comfortable and safe. The following scripts are just slightly different from the ones found in chapter 5 and are meant to help you, the caregiver, reiterate important information without feeling like a broken record.

“We’ve talked before about how it’s totally normal for you to want to explore your body. That’s just as true now as it has ever been, but now that you’re getting older, you might feel like you want to do that more often. That’s also okay.”

“As you get older and your body changes, you might stimulate your penis enough to have what’s called an orgasm. That’s where your body ejaculates semen—it’s how you release the sperm cells needed to make a baby. It adds an extra step of cleanup to the process, so you have to be a little bit thoughtful about where you’re doing that. The shower is a good option because it essentially takes care of cleanup for you.”

“Hey, bud—I don’t super care how long your showers are, but please remember to stick with just water if you’re going to be touching yourself. Shampoo, conditioner, and soap can all irritate your urethra and give you an infection, so let’s skip that.”

“As a reminder, there’s a box of condoms under the sink. You do not have to use them. They are there for you whenever you need to use them. I would encourage you to maybe consider using them if you’re gonna explore yourself because it’s a great way to get used to the feeling of wearing one. They’re going to be necessary when you become sexually active with whoever you become sexually active with, so … use them. Make sure you throw them away in the garbage can underneath the sink. If you need a refill, let me know, or I’ll just try to keep an eye on them and replace them when they’re running low. They’re for you.”

“I found my bottle of fancy lotion when I was cleaning your room. I’m not mad that you used it, but I swapped it out for the unscented stuff from the bathroom because I don’t want you to end up possibly uncomfortable.”

Masculinity

In my own life I’ve found that if I were to ask ten people what it means to be masculine, I would very likely get ten different answers. There have been countless books, podcasts, op-eds, and articles written about the right way to “be a man.” The stereotype that has spurred a huge portion of this discourse is that men can either be happy and horny or angry and aggressive. The confusing part for people growing up identifying as men is that those books, podcasts, op-eds, and articles don’t all agree with the scientific results that tell us this binary is patently false. Frustratingly, not only are some of the voices in the discussion screaming that the binary is true, those voices are also the most easily accessible. Thankfully, there are credible resources, and I’ve shared them with you on page 285 to help you shape the conversations about masculinity you have with your child. But in the meantime, here are some sample scripts to help you help your child navigate what it means to be a man.

Emotions (ages 10+)

“As you go through puberty, you might notice that your emotions feel bigger than they used to—you also might find yourself saying things impulsively, reacting really fast to things, and just generally feeling stuff way more than you did before. You also might feel like you’re at odds with me and other grown-ups. Some of that might be due to your amygdala growing really fast—it’s part of the emotion center of your brain, and when it’s driving the bus, your thinking brain can’t really keep up. I will try my best to remember that this is something you’re going through, and I’d really appreciate it if you tried to remember that your amygdala can be a bit of a jerk. We need to be kind and compassionate with each other, and we need to try to keep communicating. I might call your amygdala out when it seems like it’s taken over—I’ll just straight up say ‘AMYGDALA’ when you’re being a bit much, and that can be our code word for ‘let’s take a breather and talk once emotions have cleared up a bit.’ And you can one thousand percent call me out if I’m chalking things up to your amygdala instead of being a good listener. Sound fair?”

“Uh, dude, I want to make sure we’re on the same page—that movie that said people need to ‘man up’ and ‘stop being a … derogatory word for female genitalia’? That movie was from my childhood. It’s not a healthy representation of what it means to be a man. People with a penis feel just as many emotions as people who don’t have them, and the idea that identifying as a man somehow means you suddenly have only two settings—horny and angry—is stupid. You have always done a great job of talking about your feelings—that doesn’t have to change just because you’re growing up into a man.”

“I also want you to remember that my number one priority is to raise healthy, happy, functional adults. If you are feeling extra down—like you can’t find pleasure in things you used to love, like you can’t enjoy anything, like you don’t want to stick around—or just feel crappy in general, I want you to tell me right away so we can get you the support that you deserve. Sound fair?”