“As you start exploring, please remember that your penis skin is delicate and can get sore—if it is rubbed too much without anything to protect it, that can cause irritation called chafing. In order to protect it, consider being in the shower or using a lubricated condom. There is also a bottle of water-based lubricant in the bathroom closet that is only for you. I don’t care if you use it to lubricate the ball bearings on your desk drawers—if it’s gone, I will replace it. If you do find yourself sore or chafed, please either let me know or use the unscented lotion to keep it soothed while it heals. If the unscented stuff stings or you’re not getting better, then I need you to let me know so you can get the right kind of cream to help.”
“Thank you for letting me know you need more condoms. No, I’m not going to ask you why you need more, I’m just going to ask if you need me to get the same kind or a different kind. Okay, I’ll get that kind for you this time. Do you have any questions?”
“Hey, dude, just a reminder—the condoms under the sink are for you. Your friends might ask about them and you might be tempted to take some and show your friends, but you gotta remember that not all families are as open with information as we are. If you choose to take one and show your friends, please do not share where we keep them or that you have access to them when you need them. If your friends need access, that’s something they need to approach their safe adults to get.”
For People with a Vulva/Vagina (ages 10 to 13)
I will never forget the first time the “cucumber” rumor went around my school. Some poor girl in my class (we’ll call her Kayla) had made her frenemy angry, and the other girl decided to tell everyone that Kayla had “done it” with a vegetable. All anyone could talk about was how gross she was, how only “sluts” needed to “do it” anyway, and how none of the normal girls would ever do that—never mind that all of the kids had biological urges to explore their bodies. Kayla was mortified and missed almost a week of school—by that point, the message was clear: Girls don’t touch themselves. Media representations of female pleasure still aren’t great, so there’s work to be done in our homes to help prevent the next generation of kids from experiencing similar shame about their body curiosity.
“Hi, sunshine. I know we’ve talked before about you exploring your body and understanding how it works before you share it with anyone else. There are a lot of jokes about how people with a penis touch their bodies a lot, but there’s not a lot of representation of how people with a vulva touch their bodies. I want you to know that it’s totally okay to explore your body and find out what feels good to you. To start, please remember that the best way to explore your body is with your hands and nothing else. Your body is still developing, and until your body is mature it’s safest to only rub or touch your vulva, not explore your vagina. Your vagina is growing, just like the rest of your body, so giving it time to finish growing is the best plan before anything goes into it. You don’t want to accidentally hurt yourself or end up with an uncomfortable infection.”
“I wanted to let you know why it’s important to only touch your vulva with clean hands. Your vagina is a self-cleaning system, that’s true. If you forget to wash your hands before exploring your vulva, you can end up with an infection, which could be painful or itchy and annoying. So just remember to wash your hands before you touch your vulva. If you do end up with a yeast infection or think you might have one, just let me know and we’ll get some medication to get it sorted out.”
“When your body is sexually excited, it usually makes its own lubricant—it’s secreted by these two little glands near the entrance to your vagina. Some people refer to it as ‘getting wet.’ If your body isn’t making that lubricant or isn’t making enough of it, or if you’re exploring and your body isn’t really excited yet, you can use some water-based lubricant. There is a bottle in the bathroom cupboard just for you—no one else will touch it. I don’t care if you use it to lube your skateboard wheels—if I notice it’s gone, I’ll replace it. I just want you to know it’s there because if you rub your vulva without lubrication you can end up sore and chafed.”
“Hey, kid—I wanted to let you know that part of self-exploration is cleaning up afterward. Whether you rely on the lubrication your body makes or use the store-bought stuff, it’s always a good idea to go to the bathroom when you’re done exploring. Generally speaking, you should try to pee and then wipe well. This can help you avoid things like urinary tract infections and yeast infections.”
“When you’re exploring, you will find what feels good to your body—most of that will happen when you are touching and rubbing the outside of your vulva. You might have what’s called an orgasm, and that usually involves a lot of the muscles in your pelvic area squeezing and relaxing in waves. You do not need to have penetrative sex in order to have one—that is a myth. And maybe it might be a while before you have one—you are not broken if it doesn’t happen.”
Reminders for Kids Ages 16+
Remember that conversations about bodies don’t necessarily stop when a kid grows up. Older kids may need reminders that there are safe and unsafe ways to explore their bodies. By this age, they may have heard about people using things that are shaped like a penis to help people with a vagina explore their bodies. It’s important for everyone to know that any internal exploration needs to be done only with items designed for that purpose, like dildos. Kids may also need a reminder to listen to their body—if it hurts, you need to stop.
As I mentioned before, media representation of female pleasure isn’t always the best. A pervasive idea I’ve seen in counseling sessions is that people with a vagina need penetration to reach climax, which isn’t true. Dispelling this rumor with my kids is one of the more empowering and protective things I can do for their sexual health, because it puts them firmly in the driver’s seat of their own experiences and lets them know they do not need anyone else in order to feel pleasure.
“It’s important to understand that your body does not need outside help from a partner or a device in order to feel good. Partners and devices can be part of a healthy sexual life, but they are not required. Part of the reason it’s important for you to understand how your body works when you are by yourself is because it will help you determine what your boundaries and needs are when you eventually decide you’re ready to interact with other people and things.”
Explaining Self-Stimulation to a Child with Different Body Parts Than Yours (ages 13+)
Of course, sometimes children grow up in families where only a caregiver with different body parts can provide information about self-stimulation. I think the scripts I’ve provided above still hold up in this case. Really, the only necessary changes will be to make extra certain that you present the information neutrally—in other words, without judgment and as accurately as possible. For example, you could tell a teen that it’s normal for all teens to explore their bodies—parts are irrelevant—and that the same rules apply across the board: in private, with clean hands. You can instill in the child that this exploration is not restricted by sex or gender, and that the primary purpose of self-stimulation and exploration is to keep kids safe: safe in their knowledge of themselves, and safe in future situations.
As a reminder, if a child who is not your own asks you questions about self-exploration or self-stimulation, your first answer should generally be “That’s a question for your safe adult.”
Something’s Not Right (all ages)
As adults, we know that there are a myriad of things that can go a little wonky with our bodies. From yeast infections to UTIs to frequent urination, it’s hard to keep track of all the things that might end up going a bit sideways. This holds true for children, too. Our kids may need to be encouraged to seek help when things seem “off,” especially because they may worry that they did something to cause the change and feel shame about admitting it.
“I want to remind you that if there is ever anything that you feel isn’t right with your genitals—if you are extra itchy, or things feel strange, or there are fluids and you’re wondering if they’re normal—please come to me or another safe adult. I do not want you to avoid asking about things because you’re embarrassed or worried that you’ve made a mistake. My biggest priority in life is making sure you are safe and healthy, and making sure you know who you can come to for help is a big part of that. Do you remember who your safe adults are?”
The Importance of Communication
One of the things that many parents have expressed difficulty navigating is how to both define and communicate body boundaries for their young children. Naturally we want our children to be in the safest of hands, always. We interview daycare providers, pediatricians, and anyone else who may be interacting with our kiddos on a regular basis. We make a short list of individuals whom we trust enough to provide primary care when we are not available. Remembering that we have done this due diligence—we have vetted and carefully chosen these people who will care for our children—will help us know that the next step of the boundary discussion is somewhat simple. If the person is caring for your child, they will care for them appropriately—help them wipe if necessary, take care to make sure they are comfortable, and report any injuries or issues to you immediately.
This may feel scary, because we have all heard horror stories of children being mistreated by carers. However, asking our children to establish or maintain their own boundaries when they are very young is both unreasonable and potentially harmful. If a child is experiencing discomfort because they fell and injured their vulva on the playground but has been told that “no one but Mommy can check their privates,” they may fail to report the hurt to their primary carer and delay necessary treatment. Children at this age think of their bodies as neutral—their vulva is not much different from their thumb. If they hurt their thumb, they would tell a grown-up, and it should be the same for their private parts, within limits.
The protection that parents can offer children at this age comes instead from careful due diligence when choosing care providers, providing supervision during peer interactions, and having normalizing daily discussions about bodies and the ways they are treated. Think of yourself as an interviewer—make conversation about their body as normal as reporting what they had for lunch.
“Did you have a good day at daycare? Great! What was for snack? That’s wonderful! Did you get to use the big kid potties today, or did you stay in the classroom? Ooooh, big kid potty?! Cool! Did anyone have to help you?”
A routine like this can not only help you stay connected to the daily activities that your child is experiencing, it can also help you spot anything amiss as quickly as possible. Asking your child how they feel about children at school—new kids, anyone they like or dislike, children who have been labeled as “naughty” or “annoying”—sets a precedence of open-ended communication and lets them know you are invested in their life beyond their health and safety. It also allows you to set boundaries with the adults who care for your child and communicate them effectively and quickly.
“I heard that you had a new helper start today—sounds like she’s a lot of fun! I want you to know that I am not comfortable with her helping Jaxon in the bathroom and I would prefer that you take care of doing that when necessary. Thank you!”
“Marissa tells me that there is a new kid who is ‘naughty’—she said that the playground aide called them that? Can you tell me more about them, and help me understand what she’s seeing on the playground and in class?”
CHAPTER 5: IN BRIEF
Curiosity about the human body ranges from information seeking to sensory seeking. This self-exploration, also known as masturbation, is regarded as developmentally normal, though it has been highly stigmatized in many cultures. Helping children understand the health and safety boundaries of self-exploration is an important and often intimidating task for parents. However, parents’ proactive choices can both keep their children safe and potentially identify children who have been made unsafe. They can accomplish this by having conversations with their own children about self-exploration, and by understanding healthy boundaries.
Key Takeaways
Guidance around self-exploration should be free of shame, require privacy, and focus on hygienic practices.
Privacy during self-exploration means boundaries regarding location (often “bedroom or bathroom”) as well as boundaries on participants (“you should only explore your own body”).
Hygienic boundaries are designed to encourage cleanliness and minimize health risks like infection. This includes the “only with your hands” guidance, as well as suggesting individuals with penises explore in the shower or with condoms.
Providing safe and accurate information to children regarding healthy self-exploration can prevent accidentally dangerous exploration, as well as help protect children from internalized shame that drives poor decision-making and risky behaviors.
*Though self-stimulation in childhood is generally understood to be developmentally normal, there can be situations where self-stimulation is cause for investigation. Markedly increased frequency, unusual engagement with objects such as attempts at penetration, and explicitly sexual displays even after redirection are all examples where concern is warranted, as they can be indicators of potential sexual abuse or exposure to sexually explicit material.
CHAPTER 6 Periods, Period.
I’ve said before that I don’t have many crystal-clear memories of my childhood—for the most part, there are only a few big moments that stand out as things that I remember. I remember The Talk with my dad. I remember almost lying to my mom about breaking that headband at Claire’s. And for some reason, my brain has chosen to remember Period Pancakes.
Fifth grade, when most students are ten or eleven, is when many schools choose to introduce the topic of puberty and sex education. They will send some sort of note home to parents asking if they consent for their child to learn about these topics, and teachers walk the students whose parents sign off through whatever curriculum the school board of their district has been deemed appropriate. My school was no different—fifth grade meant *cue ominous music* sex ed.
This didn’t feel like it was going to be a big deal for me—after all, I had already gotten my period. I hadn’t told anyone that I had gotten my period, but I had what is called “precocious puberty”—in other words, my period started a bit earlier than anyone expected, when I was ten. I had been having regular periods for months at this point, so when my mom said I was going to a class to learn about periods, I figured it would probably be boring, but I’d survive.
