“Well, yeah.” Not sure why he was looking at me like I was the confusing one, when he was the one hanging small cucumbers on a tree. “And on Christmas Day, the first one to find it got an extra present from Santa.” He smiled. “It used to be chaos…”
I could imagine. In my house there would be branches and baubles flying everywhere.
“Sounds fun.” I smiled, thinking back to the first year we’d got a real Christmas tree, and Tess and I had slept in the lounge so it would be the first thing we saw when we woke up.
“It was,” Ru said, with a soft smile. For two people who didn’t like Christmas, it seemed like we both used to. A lot.
Eurgh. Stupid Elf Song. Stupid everything.
I shimmied my shoulders, trying to shake off the festive, and sat up. Now was NOT the time to start feeling nostalgic – it was the time to make sure I avoided everything Christmassy until this whole stupid film had gone away.
It was like Ru read my mind. He grinned, as if the memory was long gone. “Not as awesome as having fish and chips for breakfast though. Genuinely happened in Camden a few weeks ago.”
And we got stuck into a (heated) debate about whether fat chips or thin ones were superior (OBVIOUSLY THIN ONES) right up until a buzzer rang and we realized the time. 7:55 p.m. The real world crashed back in.
Five minutes till the film finished.
Five minutes until my parents were on a mission to check I hadn’t keeled over and died in a vat of popcorn.
Five minutes until Ru risked meeting them in full concerned flow for my fake food poisoning, when right now he thought they were busy trimming reindeer hooves (I’d had to get inventive).
“I better head.” I stood up. “Although…” I sat down again. “I’ve locked us in, haven’t I?”
But after we both tried pulling, pushing, leaning, even giving the handle a talk on positive mental attitude, the door still wasn’t budging. And there were more footsteps outside. And Stormy yelling, “No one listens! Signing autographs is emotionally drraaaaining.” Followed by, “And someone needs to get a pooper scooper.”
In desperation, I asked Ru to give me space as I vented my stress on the handle, but when it didn’t work I called him back over. He was faffing about with a popcorn container.
“Guess there’s nothing for it.” He rocked back on his heels. “Three…” Was he really going to attempt a run? He crouched down into a semi-sprint position. “Two…” Then he stood up. “Although, before I potentially break my shoulder, you do definitely need to leave, right?”
“Yeaaahhh.” I looked at the heavy wooden door. “But it’s not breaking-bones level of urgent.” Maybe minor fracture, but not break. There was always plan B: staying here until Mum and Dad had gone to notify the police of my disappearance and they brought in a battering ram, or at least a key. Or plan C: slowly dying in this room, and my final resting place being on the bed of floor popcorn we’d tried to clear up. Which actually, now I’d considered it, sounded quite good and could be upgraded to plan A.
“Cool, in that case … ONE!” Ru thundered towards the door. Almost as fast as me down the red carpet, his left shoulder dipped forwards. “ARRRRR!” he yelled, bracing for impact.
I braced for impact! But the door swung open.
Wide open. And Ru fell right into the hallway, straight on to the feet of Elijah, who was holding the handle.
Elijah looked at me, then at the crumpled pile of human on the floor. Immediately his face turned from confused eye twitch to pure thunder.
“You!” Elijah pulled at Ru’s T-shirt, yanking him back to his feet. He looked him up and down. “You, Kyle, are coming with me.”
“But…” began Ru, but Elijah was already marching him off towards where some other ushers had just gone into a staffroom. I ran out into the corridor, watching as Ru tried – and failed – to apologize. We hadn’t even said bye.
But Ru looked back. And mouthed just one thing. Not “bye”, but “popcorn”.
Right.
And just like that he disappeared through the door marked “STAFF”. The last I’d ever see of him. And for a split second I was alone.
Until the doors into the screen sprang open, the low murmur of noise became a loud roar of chatter, and people spilled out in all directions.
The film had ended! And I hadn’t found a single thing to use for a raffle prize! I was a terrible friend. I ran back into the room for one last look. As much as I’d love a vintage cinema chair it was going to be hard to fit one in a pocket, so I grabbed a couple of branded popcorn containers. Slinking back out, I pulled my hood up and shrank back against the wall, scouring the heads for Grace and practicing my “I’ve miraculously recovered from my sudden burst of food poisoning” face.
My phone pinged.
Tess: Look what I just found. Enjoy 
I opened the video. It was a loop of someone in a black hoodie looking like she was about to stab Maeve with a giant sign that said “Joseph D Chambers 
be my Christmas present!”
It was fair to say the fan looked deranged. And on a rampage.
And it was also fair to say, the fan was … me. I was the fan.
So that’s what the sign said!
I hadn’t even seen Joseph D Chambers, let alone wanted to wipe-out his love interest. Not that whoever posted it and wrote the caption cared.
“CRAZED JOSEPH D CHAMBERS FAN GOES ON RAMPAGE AGAINST RUMOURED LOVE INTEREST MAEVE.”
The top comment was even worse.
“FIND HER #JUSTICEFORMAEVE #MAESEPH”.
It had 1,231 likes.
I hated my sister.
And I also hated that because of the crowd, you couldn’t make out Stormy’s dogs knotting themselves round my legs. The only relief was that my hood was up and it was impossible to see my face. If anyone found out it was me, it could be even worse than my Elf Girl secret getting out! But now I felt like my hoodie was evidence and yanked it down. Phew. There was Grace’s black hair piled up.
