But she couldn’t ignore the fluttering of her heart. The vague hope there.
She just felt like... She felt like maybe there wouldn’t be grand declarations or anything like that, but like they might settle into something that was a little bit more long-term. That was all she wanted. Just a little longer.
She didn’t need for him to love her.
And she didn’t need to say anything like that again.
She didn’t.
She just wasn’t ready for it to end.
And she would do whatever she had to do to keep him with her. For now. She would do whatever she needed to for now.
A week later, she realized that her period hadn’t started when it should have. And she had no idea what to do. She was usually pretty regular, and she knew full well that they’d had unprotected sex the night of the open mic.
She wasn’t stupid. If you spent your whole life not having sex, and having regular periods, then you started having sex and the period didn’t come...
She knew what that meant.
She was terrified. Trembling. But she couldn’t risk going out and buying a pregnancy test. People were already starting to take pictures of them. There were weird rumors online, a lot of speculation about her personal life. People treated her like she was a fictional character. There were so many stories about who her dad was, and what he had done, and it was like what she shared about herself had taken on a life of its own.
And if anybody took a picture of her buying a pregnancy test... How did actually famous people handle that? She had one song, and was having some kind of a moment on the internet. She didn’t know how anybody stood this for years on end.
But before she did any of that, she would tell him. Tell him what she suspected. Because she wanted to have a deeper conversation with him about...about the fact that this wasn’t a fling anymore. That much was clear. It had become something so much deeper. So much more serious. They actually talked. They shared things. And really, it had always been wrong to call it a fling.
They had been friends first. And it mattered.
A baby.
She wasn’t ready for this. And she was afraid. What if he rejected her? What if he rejected the baby?
This is why you can’t depend on anyone else.
No. Because she was shaking. Because it felt like he held her life, her future in his hands.
It was horrible.
She walked downstairs, into the kitchen, where he was preparing dinner. It felt domestic. They felt domestic. They felt like something special and perfect.
Except for... Except for all the walls. He had told her about those walls from the beginning.
To see what he says, you have to tell him. You can’t keep it a secret.
“I need to talk to you.”
“We talk all the time,” he said. “Does it require an announcement.”
“This might,” she said. “I’m late.”
She looked at him, full of meaning. And waited for him to get it. She watched as about ten emotions cycled over his face. More than she had maybe ever seen him express in their time together.
“Well... You need to find out.”
“I’m just... I don’t know how. I’m afraid of what will happen if I go to a store here. Because people know that we are here. You saw that stuff pop up online. It’s... It’s a little bit unnerving.”
“You need to find out,” he said, his voice hard.
“I know,” she said. “I will, Flint. I promise... And...”
“I don’t want a baby,” he said.
She blinked. “Well... I don’t know that I was really planning on...”
“No. We said this was a fling. That was it. I told you, I am not up for this.”
“I...”
Everything in her started to shut down. She didn’t know how to handle this. Because he looked like a stranger. His eyes had gone deadly flat, his body language so distant... So...
“Are you saying that you would want me to get rid of it?” she asked.
He shook his head, decisively. “No. I’m not gonna tell you what to do. I just...”
“So you would just not have anything to do with it?”
“I didn’t say that either,” he said, his voice hard. “I said I didn’t want a kid. And I don’t. But I would be responsible. I would make sure that you had everything you needed. I’d be there. Physically. But I don’t have anything to give, Tansey. Not emotionally. This... This was nothing. We hung out, we ate, we talked. We fucked. It wasn’t real life. It wasn’t really me. It was... It was something different. It’s not my life. It’s not who I am.”
“So you... What? You would be in your child’s life, begrudgingly?”
