“You were never all that mean,” he said, something sore blooming at the center of his chest.
“Don’t tell me that. That ruins my street cred. I was really trying to be mean.”
“No, the thing was, I just liked it,” he said, taking a step closer to her. It was dark, and he wanted to give her this. A little bit of honesty. Because the truth was, they hadn’t spoken with honesty about what had been happening between them at the time. She had called it a fling, and he’d let her do it, because he needed to put those parameters around it in order to deal with it. He needed that border so that he could allow himself to do it.
And he hadn’t given her or himself any honesty about that.
“Why did you like it?”
“Because you didn’t act charmed by me. And I found that fascinating. You were not my type.”
“I wasn’t your type?”
“No. I didn’t like squeaky-clean, fresh-faced virgins. I liked women who knew what they’re doing.”
“That is actually really insulting. I’m not sure why you thought that you would come in here while I was crying and...”
“Because you got to me. You got to me and I couldn’t explain why.” The words were rough and tortured. His voice didn’t even sound like his own. “And I kept telling myself that it wasn’t anything. That I wasn’t attracted to you, because I couldn’t be. Because you weren’t a rodeo queen, and you didn’t have a single rhinestone on. Because you were too young for me. Because even before you told me that you were a virgin, I knew that you were more innocent than anyone that I should be...talking to at all.”
He took a breath, and his chest hurt. “But yeah, I loved that attitude. From the beginning. It was why I couldn’t stay away from you. And I couldn’t stay away from you, you remember that, right?”
“I try not to. And actually, most of the time I remember my version of events. I remember the breakup. But I forget... I forget that I stood there and hid everything that I felt, and that I told you that I agreed. I mean, I know I did, but I forget...that you couldn’t see inside me to how I hurt.”
“I knew,” he said. “I knew because I hated it too. You don’t... You don’t know, Tansey. I had feelings for you. In a way that I never had for anybody else.”
He swore he could hear the snowflakes falling outside it went so quiet between them. It was like his heart barely dared beat.
He had never admitted that out loud. He had barely admitted it to himself in coherently formed sentences in his own mind. He had allowed himself to act on feeling only, and call it nothing.
Making excuses about what he couldn’t feel and what he couldn’t do. But the problem was—and he knew it—that his feelings were there; they were just erratic. Uncontrolled. And he couldn’t handle them.
He’d never wanted to inflict them on another human being. He had trained himself in that brutal art a long time ago. Built a wall up around himself. Toughened himself up. Because he had never ever wanted to feel...
“You know, I feel too much. And sometimes I feel nothing at all. And sometimes when I feel too much, it turns into anger. And it’s bullshit no matter what scenario it is. Believe me when I tell you that. I didn’t want to admit to myself that I had feelings for you. I didn’t want to admit that you telling me you might be pregnant scared the hell out of me. Really, the hell.”
“It scared me too. It scared me too and then it... I felt like I was dying. When I started bleeding. Because I wanted it. I wanted it. Even though I didn’t want it. And it was such a mess. It was a horrible mess. And you were the only person that I wanted to talk to about it, and I texted you and you never texted me back.” She was breathing hard now, crying again, and he felt like this was what he deserved. This conversation.
“I didn’t know what to say,” he said. “I didn’t know what to say, because part of me wanted you to be pregnant. So that I could keep you anyway, even though I knew it was a bad idea. I’m... I’m toxic, Tansey, and I tried my best not to be toxic with you. I did. But I froze you out instead, and it wasn’t better.”
“So you know that about yourself and, what, you just sit in it?”
“Yes,” he said.
“Why?”
“Because I don’t want to fix it. I didn’t want to care about you. I didn’t want it. I wanted to possess you. I wanted to keep you. And hell, the contortions I would’ve gone through to do that if the whole pregnancy scare hadn’t happened... I would still be torturing you. I can’t even imagine. Not letting you go, not really, and not giving you what you wanted. Because I can’t let myself care that deeply about someone. But it doesn’t mean I don’t want you. With absolutely every part of myself. It doesn’t mean you’re not the only woman I dream about.”
“You...you do?”
“How many women do you think I’ve been with since you?”
She looked away from him. “I don’t want to have this conversation.”
“None,” he said. “I haven’t been with anybody. I haven’t even wanted to. It’s just you. You’re the reason that I wake up at night hard. You’re the reason I wake up in a cold sweat. You are what I want. You are everything that I want.”
“Please don’t,” she said. “Please don’t. Because if you can’t give me one more piece of you, if you can’t give me one more piece of who you are and why you’re this way, then why are we having the conversation at all?”
“Do you want to know why? Do you want to know why I’m like this?” He swallowed hard. “My sister died. When I was fourteen. And I was...fucking destroyed. And it just... Everybody around me fell apart. They were so sad. And I was just so angry. So angry. At the universe, at God, at my parents, at the doctors. And at everybody for just crying all the time. Because it killed me.”
“Flint,” she whispered. “I didn’t... I’m so sorry.”
“I didn’t want you to know. I didn’t want to have the conversation with you, because I didn’t want you to look at me like that. Like I was an object of pity that you could fix, because you can’t fucking fix it, Tansey. Nobody can. That’s what death is. It ends something, and you can’t fix it. You can’t get it back. It broke something in me. And I had to... I had to find a way to get rid of that anger...”
“What did you do?”
“I put a wall up...”
“No,” she said softly. “What did you do? Because you are not acting this way because of a feeling you had. You must’ve done something.”
“Yeah,” he said, shame burning over his skin. “I did. You know my brother Boone? One time... We shared a room all the time when we were on the road. Right? When we were on the road with the rodeo. And one night he was crying. He was twelve. And he was crying and crying and he wouldn’t stop. He just said how much he missed her. I told him to stop. I told him he had to stop. Because it was like... Every time he cried, it was like I was being stabbed in the damn chest. I couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t listen to it. Because everything that came out as sadness for him stoked the fire of rage inside of me. Because what was tragic to him was just so desperately unfair to me. I told him to stop crying and he didn’t. He couldn’t. So I punched him in his face. I punched him in his face and I told him he’d better not cry like a little girl anymore. Because it wouldn’t bring her back. Because it didn’t do anything. It didn’t mean anything.”
He watched her face, watched to see if she was shocked, because it still shocked him. He still hated it. And he still hated himself for it. “I still remember what that felt like. That anger. It was so pure. It was probably the most real thing I’ve ever felt in my life. I hated him. And I hated his feelings and what they did to me...”
“That was grief,” she said. “That was grief. And I know that I’ve never experienced grief like that, but I know what it’s like to feel angry. I know what it’s like to feel like you would rather just be a toxic awful person than the bigger person. Because everything is terrible so why should you have to be anything but terrible.”
“You know, my brother still loves me. A lot. He still loves me, because that’s what younger brothers have to do. And we’re still family. But you... You’re not stuck with me. My brother needed me and I failed him. And that’s all I know how to do.”
“And you don’t want a relationship because of what you’ll...”
