With therapy, James began to peel back the layers of his emotional wounds. He confronted the young boy within him who so desperately sought his father’s consistent love. Through introspection, he began to understand that his attraction to unpredictable love wasn’t a masochistic choice, but rather a subconscious attempt to “right the wrongs” of his childhood.
He delved into self-compassion, learning to extend the love he so freely gave others to himself. And with time, James’s definition of love evolved. No longer was it an unpredictable force. He sought, and found, a relationship built on consistent warmth, understanding, and mutual respect. A relationship where love wasn’t a puzzle to solve, but a comforting embrace to come home to.
REFLECTION EXERCISE: BREAKING THE ADDICTION TO VOLATILE RELATIONSHIPS
As you consider how toxic shame shows up in your life, pause and take a moment to think about any remnants of toxic shame lingering around in your heart and mind.
STEP 1
What are some of the issues that hold an emotional trigger for you because of the pain it roots when it comes into your awareness? Make a list.
STEP 2
Pause and pay specific attention to the physiological responses that come up for you.
STEP 3
Make a list of where toxic shame shows up and how the decisions you make and things you tolerate or avoid stem from it.
STEP 4
Journal about what comes up for you as well as the automatic negative thoughts that fuel the shame for you.
STEP 5
Self-soothe as you take the time to focus on this area of your life. You’ll have unexpected feelings that come up and it’s best to sit with these, breathing through them while recognizing they will and allowing them to pass.
STEP 6
When you feel safe, make a list of the necessary changes you need to make.
REFLECTIONS
What is an earlier event in life that fuels toxic shame for you?
In what ways does this memory influence the relationship you have with yourself?
What negative thoughts come up when you make a mistake, a relationship fails, or you feel abandoned/rejected?
Lurking negative core wounds and beliefs can show up in the following ways:
People Pleasing: Consider the shame you feel when you want to stand up for your needs but back down. Pay attention to the emotions that come up in that moment between the event or request and your response. Is it possible that toxic shame determines whether you’ll acquiesce or speak up?
Situationships: In thinking about regrettable relationships, what decisions were driven by the shame you felt that compelled you to move forward against your own boundaries, standards, and deal breakers? If you never wanted to be in that situationship, consider the following to help you understand why you may have accepted it or stayed:
Seeking Validation: We enter or remain in situationships due to a desire for validation and acceptance, even if the relationship isn’t fulfilling our needs. The ambiguity of the situationship can create a space where we are constantly seeking reassurance and proof of our worth from the other person.
Negative Core Wounds: This need for validation can be traced back to negative core wounds that have left us feeling unworthy or not good enough. The situationship becomes a ground for replaying these old patterns, as we look to others to fill the void left by unhealed wounds.
Fear of Abandonment: The lack of clarity and commitment in a situationship can trigger intense fears of abandonment, as we’re left uncertain about where we stand in the relationship.
Negative Core Wounds: These fears often stem from early experiences of abandonment or instability, leading to a deep-seated belief that we’re not worth committing to or staying for. The situationship perpetuates this fear, as the lack of commitment mirrors these old beliefs.
Tolerance of Ambiguity and Disrespect: In situationships, we may tolerate ambiguity, inconsistency, and even disrespect, often rationalizing the behavior or making excuses for the other person.
Negative Core Wounds: This tolerance can be linked to negative core wounds that taught us to accept less than we deserve, reinforcing feelings around unworthiness and inadequacy.
Difficulty in Setting Boundaries: The undefined nature of situationships can make it challenging to set and maintain clear boundaries.
Negative Core Wounds: This difficulty may be rooted in negative core wounds related to neglect or disrespect of our needs and boundaries in early life, leading to patterns around not being able to stand up for ourselves because we haven’t owned our self-worth.
Impact on Self-Esteem: Prolonged involvement in a situationship can take a toll on our self-esteem, as the lack of commitment and clarity can leave us questioning our worth and desirability.
Negative Core Wounds: This impact on self-esteem echoes the negative core wounds, further ingraining beliefs that we’re not enough or aren’t worthy of a committed, respectful relationship.
Obsessive Thoughts: Obsessive thoughts in this context are largely about avoidance. Instead of facing the problem head-on, we loop around how to fix the situation, thinking about “woulda, shoulda, coulda,” and fantasizing and romanticizing in an effort to overwrite reality—all in an effort to avoid the emotional pain that toxic shame creates.
Part III
THRIVING
10
Moving from Red Flags to Green Flags
As we gear up to embark on Part 3 of our journey together, let’s take a moment to reflect on the ground we’ve covered and set the stage for the exciting explorations ahead.
In Part 1, “Healing,” we delved deep into the transformative process of healing. We navigated the intricacies around deciding to heal, committing to the journey, and making a bold declaration to change. We embraced the solitude of hermit mode, unpacked the Pandora’s box of our past, and started the inner work necessary to grow. We also learned the importance of setting boundaries, standards, and deal breakers, and explored the various signs that point toward healing. Throughout, we focused on both internal and external aspects of healing, aiming to strike a balance that promotes genuine and lasting change.
In Part 2, “Unlocking the Pattern,” we continued our exploration by examining the role of ego defense mechanisms, the unconscious mind, and the sources of toxic shame that play a critical role in our lives. We connected the dots between attachment styles, trauma responses, and the patterns of abuse that can emerge in relationships, shedding light on covertly abusive behaviors and the nuances of covert narcissism. We also tackled the complexities of premature attachment, fixer relationships, and trauma bonding, offering reflections on how lurking negative core wounds can manifest in our lives and relationships.
Now, as we stand on the cusp of Part 3, “Thriving,” we are ready to take all that we have learned and apply it to forging a life filled with growth, resilience, and conscious love. We will delve into the differences between fixed and growth mindsets, unravel the power of resilience, and learn how to navigate emotional turbulence with grace. We will embrace vulnerability as a strength, explore the three pillars of conscious love, and understand what it truly means to be reborn into the best version of ourselves.
