She raised her big green eyes at him, and Ashen felt his heart falling.
“If... If I had known,” he muttered, “I wouldn’t have asked you to follow me. Not... I didn’t realize. I was young, arrogant, and... blinded by my feelings for you. I had this stupid idea that you and I, we could do it together. I didn’t even consider you were too young and too fragile to endure this. When I got back, and I got thrown into war once more... Several times, I regretted not having you with me, and at the same, I felt thankful you were far from this hell. I... I really had no idea...”
Cessilia put her hands on his and shook her head.
“Th-that was my mistake, Ashen... I d-didn’t listen to my p-parents. I was b-blind too. I just th-thought about how b-brutally we were separated, and... I just wanted t-to see you, even if it-t was only one last t-time.”
For a few seconds, the two of them remained silent, just staring at each other with complex feelings. Now that everything between them was out in the open, it felt like a fresh wind had been blown, bringing something a bit new to their relationship. Something a bit exciting, and different. The warmth of the fire and Ashen’s hands on her skin were starting to get to Cessilia. She could feel the gentleness in his fingers, and in his dark eyes, read the tormented King’s thoughts. He looked torn apart, staring at her with regret, guilt, and adoration. He wasn’t good at hiding his emotions from her, and right now, she could easily read his bittersweet feeling, the sour expression he was making while caressing her wet cheeks.
Cessilia leaned forward, hoping for a kiss, but Ashen suddenly pulled back. He was still holding her neck, cupped in his hands, but he had stepped back right away, with an almost frightened expression.
“Ashen...”
“I... I c-can’t, Cessilia,” he muttered. “I can’t ask you to stay with me.”
“No,” she declared strongly before he could add a word to that. “N-No. D-don’t p-push me away b-because you p-pity me.”
“I don’t pity you!” he protested. “I am responsible for what happened to you, Cessilia! I... I have just thrown my anger at you since you came, when I had no reason to! I had no idea what you went through, and I just acted like... like the self-centered bastard I am! How can I even dare to keep you with me now? I–”
“Ashen!”
She grabbed his face, angrily staring at him and forcing him to look at her.
“I c-came here,” she said. “I chose t-to see you again, and I d-don’t regret it. D-despite what happened t-to me, I still regretted that I c-couldn’t see you. I... I missed the b-boy I fell in love with b-back then. I... I missed you t-too. D-don’t d-decide what is b-better for me now, or what you c-can do or not. Things are d-different now. I am an adult, and I c-came here b-because I really wanted t-to. When Yassim c-came and said you needed a q-queen, I knew I had t-to come.”
She let out a long sigh and lowered her hands to his exposed torso, her fingers lingering on the long lines of his scars. The King calmed down a little, and gently moved his hands down to her shoulders, holding her gently.
“I understand... you have b-been through many hardships t-too,” she whispered. “My d-dad made you leave when you were only sevent-teen, still a b-boy... I d-don’t want t-to say I am the only one who g-got through hardships, I know t-things were d-different here. I t-talked a lot with Nana too, and she t-told me about it... P-plus, I know you c-could have k-killed th-those men without even a fight. I’m sure th-that woman knows p-poisons th-that c-could have spared you a fight, b-but you d-didn’t choose that.”
She smiled, a bit weakly given the circumstances, but she didn’t want to hang on to those heavy feelings in her heart. She wished it could be blown away, like the rain and wind battering against the windows. She touched the tips of Ashen’s silver-white hair.
“So it t-turned c-completely white after all,” she muttered. “It’s p-pretty. I like it.”
He covered her hand with his.
“...So you really still have feelings for me?”
Cessilia nodded.
“You th-thought I d-didn’t?”
“I don’t know... I was scared,” he muttered. “Each time I had found peace, it ended up slipping through my fingers again. I don’t think I’ll be able to handle it if I lose you a second time.”
“...You won’t,” she whispered.
Cessilia sighed, and took a step forward, nestling against Ashen’s torso. After a hesitation, he wrapped his arms around her, and tightly embraced her. She closed her eyes, feeling Ashen’s moist, hot sigh against her temple. He cradled her head while she leaned on his shoulder, his fingers softly grasping her brown curls. The two of them stood like this, by the fire, hugging each other in silence. They didn’t even need to kiss. Right now, all Cessilia wanted was Ashen’s smell surrounding her, his strong but gentle arms, and the quietness of being just the two of them in this room.
After a while, she felt him move, and he lifted her up, carrying her to the bed. Cessilia didn’t resist at all, even as he sat her on the edge of the mattress, and with one knee down, helped her get rid of her shoes, very gently. She couldn’t help but grimace when her ankle moved.
“Are you alright?” he asked, concerned.
“I th-think I b-broke my left ankle, b-but it d-doesn’t hurt anymore. It will b-be healed by tomorrow morning.”
Ashen nodded, visibly satisfied. Then, he stood up and grabbed a clean piece of clothing to give her. Cessilia frowned while receiving it. It was clearly a man’s tunic, much too long for her.
“For you to change into,” he said. “You’ll get sick if you sleep in these clothes, and... I don’t really trust my self-control if you end up naked.”
Just as he said that, he took off his own shoes, deliberately looking away. Cessilia tilted her head, a bit intrigued. He really wasn’t going to peek at all? She felt a bit dejected and a bit happy at the same time. Although they were going to spend the night together, it seemed like the King was resolute on really only sleeping together... She chuckled but changed into that piece of clothing anyway. The truth was, she had never been naked in front of a man, and felt nervous, even if Ashen really was turning away from her. Not only that, but a part of her was somewhat jealous of all those women who had done things with him in this bed before...
When he finally turned back and came to join her, Cessilia was still frowning at his side of the bed.
“What is it...? Do you want me to change the bedding?” he frowned.
“I d-don’t like it,” she muttered. “You’ve s-slept with other women here...”
“I haven’t.”
Cessilia frowned as he lay next to her, facing her in the bed. They were just a few inches away from each other, but Ashen didn’t try to get any closer, sticking to his side of the bed as if he was worried about crossing some invisible border. He chuckled, facing her. In the darkness behind the bed’s curtains, he looked even more mysterious, while his white hair had golden reflections from the fire.
“I’ve... had sex with many women, but not in this bed. I can’t stand sleeping with someone else in the same room... unless it’s that thirteen-year-old girl who’d sneak into my bed under the cover of night.”
It took Cessilia a short while to realize, and a faint smile appeared on her face. She moved her body, confidently laying against him, and Ashen laid out his arm for her with a sigh. He wrapped her in his embrace, rubbing his cheek against her hair.
“You haven’t changed much,” he muttered to himself.
Meanwhile, Cessilia had a faint smile on, and closed her eyes, feeling a bit better now.
