I felt the caustic emotions rise inside of me and blur my logic. I was relieved that he hadn’t actually planned on killing one of the guys but was absolutely furious that he had put me through weeks of mental anguish over it and had never had any intention of letting me leave. I should have backed away from him until I had taken time to clear my head. But I had just had enough…it was all just too much, and I lost it.
I yanked my hand up from my side and slapped David across the face, leaving a pinkish imprint of my hand against his pale cheek. For a second, he stood there in a humiliated shock. But as soon as that second faded, and the anger added a brilliant, scarlet flush to his skin beneath the handprint, I became keenly aware that my lack of control had just set off a chain of destructive events.
David grabbed me by the neck and squeezed his fingers around my throat so tight that I immediately felt something cracking and wasn’t able to breathe. From the corner of my widely staring and fear-filled eyes, I saw Rob pull out his gun to take David down right where he stood. But without thinking, Julian jumped in between me and David to try to loosen his grip on my neck and protect me as he had been doing ever since we were kids.
In the split second that Julian had gotten in the middle of us, David pushed him aside to block the path of Rob’s gun as it fired and struck Julian square in the chest. As Rob went to aim again, David dropped my neck and ran out the door and down the stairwell with Rob chasing after him in close pursuit.
“Julian!” I screamed with a voice that felt like my throat had been torn open. “No! Why did you do that!? Why did you get between us!?”
I sobbed and tried to look at him through my tears that flooded my eyes. I pressed my hands to his chest to stop all the bleeding that was pooling around his body on the floor. In the chaos, Adam called 9-1-1 and Michael knelt down to help me put pressure on Julian’s chest. Rob reappeared in the apartment after a few minutes, winded and with a look of grief for having accidentally shot Julian.
“He got away,” he said to Michael.
Rob stared at Julian bleeding out on the floor and knew he wasn’t going to make it. “I’m so sorry, he got right in the path of my gun.”
“It’s not your fault,” Michael said. “David pushed him into the way on purpose.”
“I’m so sorry, Lisette,” Rob said as he stood by helplessly not knowing how to fix it.
There’s nothing that can fix this.
I cried and screamed and lifted my hands to hold Julian’s head in my lap.
“Why did you do that?” I sobbed against his face.
Julian looked at me with glassy pupils and his lips formed a weak smile on his mouth. “Because I love you,” he choked out.
I kissed him and held my face to his until the faint feel of his breath against my face disappeared. I screamed until I thought my voice would bleed and buried my face against his chest. And when the paramedics finally fucking arrived, it was too late.
Julian was gone.
He was taken from me forever, just like my mother had been.
“Lisette,” Michael said gently as he tried to unwrap my arms from Julian’s body.
“No!” I screamed. “No! Don’t touch me!”
I held on to Julian as my hands slipped against all of the blood and dug my fingers into his skin so that no one could take him away.
“Ma’am, we need you to let go,” one of the paramedics said.
I ignored him and held tightly to Julian.
“We need her to let go,” the paramedic said again to the other guys.
I felt three sets of arms around me as Michael wrapped his arms around my waist, and Rob and Adam each reached for one of my arms. I screamed even louder and pulled against them as hard as I could.
I’m not letting go. Not this time. I can’t.
“No! No! No! Let me go! Don’t touch me, let me go!” I wailed.
I tried to hold on to Julian, but the other three men held me firmly and pulled me off of his body as I thrashed around and screamed and scrambled to get back to him. When I saw the paramedic put his hand over Julian’s open eyes and pick up his lifeless body, I felt myself choking for air that I couldn’t push through my lungs. I felt myself start to panic as I tried to breathe but couldn’t. I couldn’t even cry.
I couldn’t do anything at all except feel like my life was being burned out of me as my eyes bulged and my chest throbbed.
All three men held me, and I felt their arms wrap around me like an interlocking cocoon. They held me tightly as if they were trying to keep my broken pieces together and keep me from crumbling apart.
“Breathe, Lisette,” Michael’s voice said in my ear. “We’ve got you… just breathe.”
I was drowning in air, and that was fine. I felt the darkness swallowing me whole, and that was okay. I even felt David’s threats looming over my head. Threats to kill me and have his way with me. Threats to make my life a living nightmare before he eventually did away with me, too. And it was all okay. I almost wished for it.
Because I sure as hell didn’t want to be alive here anymore.
When I opened my eyes, I was lying in the bed. My throat burned and my lungs hurt, and I felt an overwhelming sense of despair; a feeling that I hadn’t had since my mother died. I opened my mouth to scream and sob some more, but nothing came out except for a small and painful gurgling noise.
“You’re okay,” Michael said from beside me. “Don’t try to talk, just be still.”
I turned my head around and saw that Adam was on my other side and Rob was next to him. Each of them was holding onto me with a hand on my arm, or hand, or thigh. I cried silent tears and let the salty water fall from my eyes and roll down my cheeks, drenching the pillow beside me. All three men laid down around put their heads against mine. I was breathing, and it hurt.
Everything hurt, but mostly my heart.
I don’t know how much time passed as I laid in that bed. All I knew was that they all stayed with me the entire time. They held me while I cried for seemingly endless hours. They kissed my forehead and rubbed my hand. They wrapped their arms around me when I felt like I was going to split apart.
I don’t know how much time passed once I had started to step out of the bed and go through the meaningless motions of living. I went to the bathroom, I sipped on hot tea, and I felt nothing but grief. I didn’t know when or if my voice would come back, because I didn’t want to talk. I didn’t even want to scream anymore; what did it matter? There was nothing left to scream about. I listened while Michael talked to me about things, but I didn’t hear what he said because none of that mattered either.
I heard Rob say something about David, but I didn’t care about him.
