October 2
Weatherācloudy
I finally told Jae-Hwa about the terrible dreams Iāve been having. I think itās been happening for a month now? Every time I have one, I wake up with terrible shakes and Iām sweating. I get shakes sometimes anyway, but this is rather unbearableālike I have no control over my body. I just wish that it would stop, but it seems as if itās getting worse.
Every night that Iām hit with it, my work morning is hell. Some of my students have even noticed and started asking me questions. That is the last thing I need right now.
My darling David made it as a finalist to the National Sciences and Innovation competition. He has a big showing tomorrow at Cardiff University. I told him I couldnāt comeā¦ but the truth is, Iāve taken the day off for it especially. Both me and Jae-Hwa will be there. Heās going to be so surprised. I cannot wait to see his face. Iām so proud of that boy.
October 7
Weatherācloudy, rain
I had another episode last night. Terrible. Jae-Hwa woke up with me and got a cold compress for my head because I was so hot, and then he held me. Itās like a fever, but itās not. We went to the doctor again, but as usual, theyāve got nothing. Utterly useless lot, they are. If I told them what I really think is wrong with me, theyād have me institutionalized. Why arenāt there any proper vampire doctors? Someone like that would actually listen to me. Maybe itās time I take matters into my own hands. Iāll talk to Jae-Hwa about it.
David came in second place at the competition last week. He was disappointed, but I think heās incredible. Jae-Hwa was impressed, too. We took him for sushi at that posh Japanese restaurant in town, even though Jae hates sushi. I pushed for it because it was Davidās special night and he should get to have what he really likes, dammit. Jae-Hwa complained the entire way there, but thankfully, he shut it at the restaurant. It was a nice dinner.
October 20
Weatherāpartly cloudy
Iām in the kitchen and trying to enjoy my tea, but Cyrus is here with David and the TV is so loud the cottage is rattling like a movie theater. Christ. Itās making my head pound and Iām two rooms over.
I need to be careful of the time. The last thing I need is Cyās mum breathing down my neck because Iāve let him stay too long into the evening. Haughty judgment, like, āIām not sure how you raise yooour kid, but as for mine, he needs to be home before dark.ā
Piss off, lady. Ever think that your son is over here all the time because itās a much happier household? I wish I could say that to her. Matter of fact, I should. Stuffy little twit. Her husband is even worse, like a dyspeptic badger.
November 10
Weatherālight snow
The school requested that I take leave today, and Iām gutted. The headmaster said I need to focus on my health, that Iām too pale and take too many breaksāthat I shuffle to the loo too often. I canāt believe this. All the work Iāve put in there since we moved here, and the kids love me. God, this is so frustrating. I feel like a prisoner in my own damn body.
Jae-Hwa let me try last weekā¦ to drink his blood. We kept the process clean and simpleāa shallow cut to his finger and I licked the wound. It wasnāt awful, but itās not really helping. We did it twice but nothingās changed. Iām still this weird gray color and the dreams havenāt stopped. I donāt know if I need to drink more, or if I should try with something else? Maybe a cat or a dog? God, I have no idea.
Jae-Hwa asked me if he tasted nice, and I said he tasted just alright. He said he was hoping Iād say he tasted like flavored soju or maesil, since I loved those things so much back when we were in Korea teaching together. I said no, sorry, you donāt taste like delicious plum juice and alcohol. We had a good laugh about that.
It was nice. I canāt remember the last time we laughed together. Everything feels so serious lately.
November 15
Weatherāsunny
My son is beautiful. I watched him clean the snow from the lane up to the house with Jae-Hwa today. I stood in the kitchen, looking through the window. I swear the sun almost made him glow. Jae-Hwa doesnāt like it when I tell David heās beautifulāeven though heās always been. He discouraged me from telling him when he was a baby, saying he didnāt want a son with a massive ego. Iād still whisper it to him when I was rocking him to sleep though. All the time. Heās fifteen now, and heās still stunning and bright with this luscious head of ombre blonde hair. Heās got lovely, clear skin that reminds me of French vanilla ice cream (my favorite) and eyes like swirls of caramel. And heās funny and sweet. I really lucked out with this kid.
Cyās mum came inside yesterday when she picked him up. She brought a big pot of osaman dal for us with fresh naan. I was shocked. Whatās more, she sat with me and asked how I was feeling, then told me she was sorry that I was too sick to attend school.
While David and Cy were still watching TV, she told me she and her husband are worried Cyrus might be gay. She asked if Iād noticed anything about David. Honestly, I have no clue. Iām much more concerned with whether or not heās going to survive and stay healthy, and if this sickness I have is hereditary. Iām not at all fussed about his sexual preferencesāand that is most certainly his business. I told her as much. She nodded curtly, stood and called Cy to go home. That seemed to be the end of our sharing time.
I thanked her for the food. I still think sheās a snobby twit.
November 30
Weatherāsnowy
Iāve tried pigās blood, chickenās blood and cowās blood. All of which have made me vomit. I tried having more of Jae-Hwa. That doesnāt make me vomit, but it doesnāt ease the aches or stop the bad dreams and tremors. It does nothing, and I feel myself declining, fast. Itās hard to get out of bed lately. David is tiptoeing around me now like Iām some fragile little bird. Iāve always been, but at least I could move about, travel and manage it. Take care of myself. I fell down the other day and I think I scared him. My poor baby.
Iām grateful he seems healthy. Whatever this thing is that Iām dealing withā¦ it doesnāt seem to have transferred to him. By the time I was his age, I was already having issuesāvisiting doctor after doctor with my foster parents and trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with me. The doctors didnāt know then, and they still donāt know.
What should I try? Who can help me? It feels like my body is rejecting and turning in on itself. Because of the nightmares, I keep thinking that maybe Iām something else. Or thereās something inside me. I donāt know how to give it what it wants, so itās slowly destroying me.
January 15
Weatherācold
December was awful. Today is the first day in weeks that I am out of bed, and I probably shouldnāt be.
Now that Christmas is over, Jae-Hwa is at work again, so only David is here with me. He canāt be overbearing and boss me about like his father, so Iām taking my tea in the kitchen. Heās cooking for me, and it smells divine.
Secretly, heās a better cook than Jae-Hwa. Jaeās pajeon is always a bit thick and too heavy, but David always gets it perfectly light and crispy around the edges. The room is warm. It smells like sesame seed oil and some delicious restaurant his father and I frequented in Seoul.
I wish I could have taken him there on a family holiday, and Iād show him the university where I met his father. I wish Jae-Hwaās family were more supportive of us, so David could meet them and know he has more family than just his father and me. I wish my body could have managed more children, so at least heād have siblings to lean on and support him through this. I wish he didnāt have to be so independent and adult-like while heās still just a teenager. I wish Iād told Jae-Hwa to stuff it and let David know how beautiful he is every day, because he seems to have no clue.
Iāll tell him. As much as possible while I still can. Iāll make sure he knows.
March
Forty
Jae
āDoctor Davies, you look different.ā Yukiko leans so that her forehead and eyebrows take up the entire computer screen. Itās awkward. Weāre on a video call, but I lean back on instinct.
āLikeā¦ prettier,ā she goes on. āAre you wearing eyeliner?ā
I am not wearing eyeliner. āYukiko, this check-in is about you. Letās try to focus?ā
āWhen are you coming back? Itās been four months already!ā She sits away from the screen. Sheās in her bedroom, which is also uncomfortable. Iāve asked that her parents set up these calls in the kitchen or some other common area within their home. But apparently her mother is having tea with friends. I can see a large glam rock poster of Hisaki-chan over her shoulder, taped to the wall. It triggers me slightly, giving me flashbacks of black licorice and angry, hissing, cat-like vampires.
Redirecting the conversation, I clasp my palms and lean on the desk with my elbows. āHow was the outing with Vampire Teens United? You went to the movies, right?ā
āYeah. It wasnāt bad. Some of the kids were nice. One guy was pretty cute. Whatever. I didnāt hate it.ā
I smile. For Yukiko, thatās a rave review. āExcellent. Will you join the next outing? What is it?ā
She shrugs. āOne of the girls wants to have a thing at her house. I might go. I donāt know. Itās whatever.ā
Now Iām nervous. Iām the doctor, but something parental springs to life in me. āThat sounds wonderful, but remember, only feed from the bags we assign you at the hospital. Your nature is still stabilizing and we donāt want you feeding from a person whose blood we know nothing about. Remember, your body isnāt like a full vampireās, and youāre still susceptible to blood disorders and diseases.ā