“Maybe? I’m not completely sure.” I think about all the ways I’ve been inclined to cater to him. The way I adamantly hunted him down when we first met. Was all of that just my instincts driving me? My nature easily recognizing and knowing what he truly was, even though I consciously had no idea?

Jae falls back, slouching against the couch cushions. He sighs, pulling off his glasses, tossing them aside and closing his eyes. He massages the bridge of his nose with his fingers.

“I’m also thinking… that you’re like a brand-new vampire, and that’s incredible, Jae.”

“Mm,” he breathes, the sound flat and his eyes still closed.

“You should explore this. Drink other vampires’ blood and experience the aristocracy as a purebred—learn what that means to you and establish your new individuality. I don’t think it’s healthy for your identity as a vampire to be completely wrapped up in me and my blood.”

Jae opens his vivid eyes, but he’s staring straight forward. He folds his arms. He doesn’t say anything, so I continue.

“I want to make sure we’re together for the right reasons. Not because I’m a greedy, purebred-sniffing bloodhound, and not because I’m the only ranked vampire you’ve ever intimately been with and I awakened you. How do we know the exact same thing wouldn’t have happened with another ranked vampire had they found you first?”

“Because they didn’t find me.” Jae finally looks at me. “You did.”

“I don’t think we should barrel into this. We’ve moved so fast… I think we should separate for a while and give everything that’s happened some thought. Can you understand?”

“Do I have a choice?” Jae frowns, still watching me. “I think this is contrived.”

“What?”

“You don’t want me because of what I am, so this is your way of letting me down easy—gradually distancing yourself. You’re telling me that how I feel about you is potentially artificial, but it’s not. I’m not into you because you’re the first ranked vampire to pay me some attention or because you’re fit. There are loads of other reasons. This might be my first night as a vampire, but I wasn’t born yesterday. I know who I am and what I feel. I’m not confused about it. It’s all rubbish.”

I’m shocked, staring at him and blinking. If nothing else, this male always surprises me. “I’m not ready for you, Jae. Not yet. Not right now.”

“When will you be?”

“I don’t know,” I say honestly. “I can’t give you a timeline… Are you demanding that I do? Is this an ultimatum?”

“No, Jun. Christ. I just—” He shakes his head and stands up from the couch. He’s pacing now, running his hands into his thick hair. “I’m not ‘making demands’ of you. I would never. I don’t know how to do this, alright? Be a purebred vampire. It’s like I can’t be myself because I know how you feel about me now—this new version I’m supposed to be or whatever. It’s unfair. It’s bollocks. If I’d known you’d be like this, I wouldn’t have fucking gone through with it. I would have just tried to stay as I was!”

I fold my arms as I sit against the couch, watching him carefully. “So… you became a vampire for me, Jae? You blame me for this?”

Jae pauses. First, he’s looking at me in disbelief. Then he shifts his gaze away and rubs his palm into his hair again. He looks like he’s in pain. “Shit. No. I didn’t mean that… I…”

He plops down against my live-edge coffee table. His head is in his hands and his back is hunched. “Fuck.”

“You still aren’t registering the situation, and it makes me nervous, Jae. You had two choices—be awakened or die young. Embrace your nature or let it slowly eat away at you. You have always been a vampire. Regardless of whether or not I awakened you, you were one of us—you just didn’t know it. You still don’t get that. It’s not sinking in and you’re putting all your vampire stock in me.”

He’s silent with his back bent, elbows on his knees. I pick up my beer and take a sip before I say, “You know what I don’t want? For us to bond, and then some weird shit happens in the aristocracy—because inevitably, it will—and you have a bad day. Then you come home and say, ‘If I hadn’t let that fucking Junichi awaken me, I wouldn’t need to deal with this bullshit.’”

Jae sits up, frowning as he turns to look at me. “I wouldn’t say that.”

“You basically just did.”

“I apologize.”

Bringing my bottle to my lips, I tip my head back and down the rest of the liquid.

We sit in a long stretch of silence. Lulú eventually appears, slinks past me and hops up on the table, bumping her head into Jae’s lower back. Traitor. She’s taking his side. Or maybe she’s giving him comfort when I’m refusing to.

He turns, petting the top of her head with his palm. She’s nuzzling her nose into him. Showering him with affection. “What now?” Jae asks, focusing his gaze on Lulú and stroking her back. “I should sleep around the aristocracy and get a taste of everyone’s blood on my path of self-discovery?”

“Generally, sleeping around in the aristocracy is frowned upon. But you’re a purebred, so technically you can do whatever the hell you want… maybe not in this particular aristocracy? I don’t think Haruka and Nino would appreciate that. But they are pretty chill about things.”

“Is that really what you want me to do, Jun?”

“It’s not about what I want. It’s about you accepting who you are now. Whatever path you decide to take to get to that point. Again, your choice. I won’t tell you not to.”

I know what he wants from me—what he wants me to say. I don’t want him to sleep around and feed from anything ranked that moves, but I won’t say it. It’s his journey. His decision, and I think it’s necessary.

“I’d like for us to stay close, though,” I say. “I’m not ‘distancing’ myself from you, like you said, and I don’t want us to become strangers. It would be nice to know what you’re doing—how you are. I don’t want you to be angry with me. I just need time.”

“I—I understand,” he says. “I hear you…” Lulú is literally lying against him now with her legs outstretched. Dios mío. She sits up abruptly when Jae slowly stands from the table. He sighs. “I’ll go pack up my room then.”

I sit up straight, surprised. “What? I’m not kicking you out, Jae. You don’t need to leave—you can take your time, and you probably need to feed again.”

He shakes his head. “No… I’ll figure something out. I’ll leave tonight. It’s best, I think.” He tries to walk around the opposite side of the table, an effort to avoid passing me. I stand and quickly move to block his path. I put my hands on his shoulders and look down into his face.

“Are we clear that I’m not ‘done’ with you, or whatever the hell you keep saying? That’s not what this is. Do you really understand? It’s just time apart to think and work on ourselves. Recalibrate.”

“I understand,” he says, avoiding my eyes.

In this moment, and in this singular day where I have decidedly not indulged Jae (after weeks of doing so), I take his chin in my fingertips so that he looks up at me. I lean down and brush my nose into him, slowly submitting to the intense pull I’ve been feeling toward him all damn day. Resisting it has been exhausting, and even giving in this little bit eases the tension in my spine.

I tilt my head and press our lips together. I’m kissing him, but Jae is totally guarded. He doesn’t part his lips for me. He’s awkward and not meeting my rhythm, trying hard to keep the kiss polite. Sterile. I decide to steal a page from his book. I move one hand up and into the thick waves of his hair, then move the other down between us to graze my fingers against the swell between his legs.

He opens his mouth in a gasp and I attack, licking into him and sliding our tongues together. He groans, exhales, and he’s with me now, falling into our unique rhythm and moving his chin against mine. His hands are fisting my sweater at my waist like he’s melting into me, or maybe we’re melting into each other.

I’m getting swept away to where I can’t tell where his mouth starts and mine ends, so I pull up. The back of his head is gripped in my palm and his eyes are clenched shut like he’s in pain. I’m about to ask if he’s okay, but his eyes open and my breath catches.

They’re alighted in the most incredible shade of blue. Cobalt blue—lush and compelling. Like the sky over Santorini and the Aegean Sea, when you’re genuinely not sure which is reflecting which.

He clenches his eyes shut again and tears stream from the inside corners. I don’t know if it’s because his eyes have alighted for the first time (and it truly does burn the first few times), because our emotions are running high or a likely combination of the two.

“Jae—”

He pulls away from my grasp, shaking his head. “Sorry—I need to pack up.”

I reach out for him, to grab his wrist, step into his path again and wrap my arms around his shoulders. When he’s secure in my arms, I say, “You don’t need to pack right now. Just sit with me, alright? And don’t leave tonight. At least stay until tomorrow and talk to me—about everything. If you’re angry, if you’re sad… if you think I’m being stupid and this is bullshit. Don’t hold it in. Tell me.”

It takes a minute, but slowly, he brings his arms up to my waist and wraps them around.

He’s crying, silently, into my sweater as I hold him. It’s good. I’d rather he do this here, with me, and then we talk openly as opposed to him being alone in his room—packing and pretending like everything is fine. That shit breeds bitterness and resentment. I want this separation to be healthy for us. Not a launch pad for toxicity.

Thirty-Nine

Eva