“Mm.” He nods against the pillow, watching me. “Strangely.”
“Right, well, why not feed from me then? Don’t go back to Ren. Just have me as your source?”
On record, this is not a snap decision. Every time he’s gone to Ren in the past month of us living together, I’ve thought this. I don’t know Ren, but I don’t like him. Junichi is never pleased to go to him, so I’m displeased right along with him. Junichi always has a contented air about him—until the day comes when he needs to see Ren. His entire demeanor shifts on those days, and I really hate it.
Jun is watching me carefully with his black irises. I can’t read him. “You’re offering yourself to me?” he says.
I blink, sensing some formal nuance I don’t understand hidden within the words. “Well… yes. Is this particularly special in vampire culture?”
“It is.” Junichi cracks a smile. “It’s kind of a big deal, Jae.”
“Should—should I get on one knee or something?”
Junichi laughs. “No. You’re thinking of marrying me now?”
“I—” I swallow hard because my heart has leapt up into my throat. Shit. I… What?
“As ranked vampires,” Junichi explains, “we’re very selective about who we offer ourselves to. It’s a personal choice, but some of us only do it a few times within the span of our lifetime.”
“In what circumstances is it appropriate?”
“Hm… it depends. Sometimes sources are established through a contract when we’re children and before we even come of age at sixteen—which was the case with me and Ren. Sometimes we choose our sources based on personal preferences. Either way, the long-term intent is to bond. This is why I haven’t secured a new source, Jae. Because they will one hundred percent request that I form a bond with them.”
I nod. “So you’ve been sticking with the devil you know.”
“Basically.”
“But now the devil is demanding that you try bonding with him again?”
“Right.” Jun surprises me when he lifts our hands from underneath his shirt. He gently tugs me forward, bringing my hand to his mouth and kissing my fingers. He pauses and looks up at me, serious. “I know I’m helping you through this process, but you should never feel beholden to me. Even after you’ve awakened, you are free to leave here and explore our culture—your new life and how you fit into the world. I think it’ll be good for you to do, actually. So be careful about offering yourself, alright?”
He kisses my fingers again, closing his eyes. I hear what he’s saying. I do. I see the logic in it, but… I scoot a little closer, looking down into his face. “I understand. And thank you for telling me those things, but… Jun, I want you. You give yourself to me constantly, so I want to give myself to you, too—to help you. I hate seeing you in this shitty situation with Ren, and I—”
I stop short because I feel the emotions bubbling up warm within me, breaking the surface and making my face flush. Three words. Rising up from nowhere, and I don’t know if I should say them. If it’s too soon, even though the fact that they’re even in me now is validation enough.
But I swallow them down and take a breath. “I know that being free is extremely important to you. So if I’m satisfying for you, let me feed you, and then you can have your freedom… with me?”
My heart is beating like crazy in my chest and I’m embarrassed as I watch him. There’s a moment of pause where Jun is staring back at me, not moving. Just as I’m wondering if I should run out the back door and impale myself on the nearest fence post, something truly remarkable happens. Something I’ve only seen once before with my own two eyes.
The black, liquid pools of his irises become brighter from the center—morphing and glowing like a dimmer switch is slowly being turned on. The moment I gasp at the drastic shift in color, he shuts his eyes tightly and brings his palms to his face, groaning. “Ay, Dios mííío…”
I sit up like a rocket, my eyes wide with shock. “Jun, what—what’s happening?”
“No puedo creer que esto está pasando…”
I have no idea what he’s saying, but he’s so obviously riled up that it makes me smile as I reach and wrap my fingers around his wrists. “Jun, stop—I can’t speak Spanish! Let me see?” I pull his hands from his face, but his eyes are shut tight. “Jun.”
I wait as he exhales a deep breath then opens one eye. I shake my head because it’s breathtaking. He opens both eyes and looks at me. The weird melty feeling that had subsided shifts in me, like it’s warm and bubbling deep at my spine. It’s distracting, but I can’t take my eyes off him. His irises are glowing in bright, vivid purple—like amethyst crystal.
He rubs his palm down his face. “Unbelievable…”
“Why? It’s—You’re ravishing. Christ, Jun. How is this scientifically possible?”
Jun laughs. “Wow.” He opens his glowing eyes, but he shifts his head on the pillow, looking away from me and staring out through the glass wall.
“Why does this happen?” I ask, leaning over him. “I saw Haruka’s eyes alight once—crimson. He was angry, I think. Are you upset?”
“No,” Jun answers quickly. “I’m not.”
“Then why?”
Jun takes another deep breath and closes his eyes. He breathes out through his nose, laughing again, but it feels self-deprecating. “Because my nature is developing a mind of its own, despite the fact that you’re not even fully awakened yet.”
“So this is a good thing?” I know that only purebreds’ and first-gens’ irises do this. Anyone ranked lower, human research assumes their blood potency isn’t strong enough. So of course, we don’t have any solid information on it since we rarely have the opportunity to work with higher-ranked vamps. The Harukas and Juns of the world don’t divulge the secrets of their biology to human scientists and researchers. Why the hell should they?
He turns his head to look at me. I’m amazed yet again as his eyes slowly shift back into onyx marbles. “Yes, it’s a good thing,” he says. “And I accept your generous offer. Thank you.”
I sit straighter, my heart still warm. “Good. You’re welcome.”
Junichi sits upright as well. I shift back to let him, but then he threads the fingers of one hand against the back of my head. He presses our foreheads together, and his breath caresses my mouth as he whispers, “If you change your mind once you’ve awakened, just tell me. I never want you to feel burdened, alright? You’re not locked into this.”
“I won’t change my mind.” I tilt my head and press into his full lips. His jaw drops and he holds me against the kiss even tighter, searching me with his tongue. God…
How could he ever be a burden to me? I want to tell him it’s not possible and that I wish I were locked into it somehow. I wish that… he was officially mine and I were his—that I could wake up every day with that assurance. This bizarre path I’m on and its innumerable uncertainties. How wonderful would it be to know Jun would always be there? This vampire that I’m absolutely in love with would always be with me and I’d never be alone again.
Of course, I don’t say any of that because I’ve probably said too much already. Instead, I just kiss him. Openly and like he means everything to me—because he does. Being with him, learning all these veiled insights within vampire culture, studying with Haruka and launching the surrogate program—it’s all a dream, and Jun is at the center of it.
I’m kissing him, just hoping that somehow, he understands how I feel.
