We all had things we could work on to improve ourselves, and Shiloh could put this into practice in all aspects of her life—not just dating. I wanted to pat myself on the back because maybe my years of therapy made me more qualified than I thought.

Chapter 10Shiloh

As I stared into Caz’s caring blue eyes, I realized she wasn’t putting on a show for me. She wasn’t placating me and telling me what I wanted to hear. She seemed so genuine, which lowered my guard a little.

“I appreciate your honesty and validation. Yoni isn’t someone I want to be with, but as my friend, I wouldn’t want you to be with her, either. But that’s only because I think you deserve better.”

Before tonight, I didn’t want Yoni to be with Caz for somewhat selfish reasons, but now I realized that Caz wasn’t here to help me get a date. She was teaching me how to look out for myself.

“I don’t know about that. I probably don’t deserve anyone, but I appreciate how you see me.” She winked, and I could see why Yoni fawned over her when she did it.

There was this sparkle about her that made you feel like you were the only person in the room. Granted, I was the only person in the room, but when I was around her, she never made me doubt she wanted to be with me. She didn’t scroll through her phone, interrupt me, or zone out completely.

Sonya and Devon did those things a lot, but in their defense, they were high most of the time. Was that an actual defense? Probably not, since it was a choice, but it still changed how they responded to me.

Caz, on the other hand, was attentive and thoughtful. She had an acquired sense of humor, but I enjoyed it. In the two days I’d spoken to her, I felt more like myself around her than I did with my own family. Was that happy or tragic? I would go with the bright spot and say it was good.

“You know how you want me to speak up? Well, there’s something I want you to do, too.”

She quirked one thick brow in my direction, and I almost lost my train of thought. I was so jealous of her ability to do that.

“And what is that?” she prompted, and I was embarrassed I had been studying her face.

“Sorry. Yes. I would like you to see yourself through my eyes. You said you didn’t deserve anyone, but that’s absurd. You are here, helping me out of the kindness of your heart.”

“Technically, it’s for the show, but I am enjoying it.”

“Not all of it is for the show. You are helping me with my shyness, getting me to stand my ground and set boundaries. And you haven’t taped one thing for the show, but you keep giving me your time and attention. It means a lot to me.”

She hung her head for a minute, then exhaled deeply. “I believe in you and don’t want to see you taken advantage of.”

“And that is why you’d make an amazing partner for someone. You want to bring out the best in them, and I hope you can see the best in you.”

The compliment seemed to make her uncomfortable, and she waved her hand in front of her as if trying to brush it away. “Enough sappy talk. Let’s order food and get down to business.”

I could tell she wasn’t used to the praise, and I understood that, so I dropped it. “Sounds good. I’m starving.”

“What’s your favorite place?” She picked up her phone and waited for my reply.

“I don’t care. Anywhere you want is fine.” I wasn’t super picky as long as they had meatless options.

The way she looked at me was confusing. “Is that so? I choose Rib Shack.”

I now understood her expression was smug.

“Stop saying you don’t care when you do. I asked you what you wanted, and your opinion matters, so don’t let me or anyone else dictate your life.”

If I voiced my thoughts, they were out there for people to judge or argue with. But if I kept things to myself, I wouldn’t have to face scrutiny or risk upsetting someone. However, she had a point. I was allowing others to determine what I did or didn’t do. It wasn’t really living, but there was a comfort in it.

“I appreciate you pushing me to be more assertive, but I genuinely don’t care. I’m sure Rib Shack has some vegetarian options.” For obvious reasons, it wasn’t a place I had eaten at before, but I didn’t even know where I would pick if the decision was on me, so this felt easier.

“Why are you afraid?” Her words shook me from my thoughts.

I shrugged. “I just don’t see the point in arguing when I can go with the flow.”

“And you think it will be an argument if you tell me what you want… when I was the one who asked you?” She set her phone down and locked her gaze on mine. Her eyes appeared as sharp as sapphires. “I don’t know who made you feel so small, but fuck them. You are worthy of being heard.” She always added a little color to her advice, but it always made me feel better.

“So, you want me to pick a place on my own?” The weight of my anxiety was suffocating, but I took a slow, deep breath, trying to find some peace.

“Yes. You are in charge.”

I was sort of on the spot, but there was one restaurant I hadn’t tried but always wanted to. “What about Green Cuisine Café? I’ve heard their food is incredible.” I smiled, and she scrunched her nose as if smelling something rotten. “Or we could go somewhere else that you might like better.” I hated seeing her disapproval.

“That was all it took for you to cave? We have work to do.” She shook her head while releasing an exasperated sigh. “Green Cuisine, it is. Do you know what you want, or do you need to peruse the menu?”

“I don’t know what they have because I’ve never eaten there, so I’d need to see my options.” I felt stupid for suggesting it while basing my opinion solely on word of mouth.

“All right. Get over here, and we can search together. I’m a virgin, too.” She tugged my chair, scooting me closer so I could see her phone at the same time.

I couldn’t tell if she was put out by my choice because she wasn’t saying anything while she scrolled. The silence was heavy, so I broke it. “Do you want to look somewhere else?” I didn’t want her to get upset with me for asking that, but I also didn’t want her to suffer because of me.

“I’m getting the Cauliflower Steak. Have you decided?” She ignored my prior insecurity, and I picked the first thing I could remember to avoid irritating her.

“Jackfruit ‘Pulled Pork’ Tacos, please.”

“Done. Was that so hard?” she questioned, but it didn’t appear to be rhetorical.

“No. I guess not.” I was uneasy during the process, but in the end, nothing bad happened.

“Tell me more about this girl you like.” She set her phone down and gave me her undivided attention.

I swallowed hard because I had read her questions, and I wasn’t qualified to give her the answers. “She works at Java Jive, and she fascinates me.”

She drummed her fingers on the table. “May I offer some advice?”

I chuckled because she had been doing that since I met her, but now she was asking for permission? “Please.”

“Get to know her before you decide to be with her. We can build people up in our heads, but they rarely meet those expectations.”

“I want to do that, but that’s where I struggle. I get too nervous.”

“What fascinates you, then?”

I didn’t want to say the obvious because she might think I was superficial. “She has a unique personality, and I like her… style.” That was more encompassing than her physical beauty.

“Do you have anything in common? Friends, interests?” She appeared unimpressed by my responses, but I didn’t blame her.

“I don’t know.”