“That’s not immature. You know you can’t be the person you want to be when she’s around, so you’re choosing not to be around her during those times. That’s called boundaries, and it’s more than okay to set them.”
Her eyes shifted around like they were following a clock, but her face lightened. “I like that perspective. I was worried my past hurt was causing me to be resentful.”
I rolled that sentence around in my head but couldn’t dissect it. I needed clarification, so this time, I directed the conversation. “Past hurt from her?” I pulled out the chair across from Shiloh, not wanting to get in her personal bubble.
I needed to keep things casual so she didn’t feel like this was part of the show—technically, it wasn’t—but maybe I could find some quotes in there that would show growth by the end of the week.
She nodded almost imperceptibly, and I thought there might have been a story there by the interaction today.
“Do you want to talk about it?” My approach tonight would be more open-ended. The direct questions I had asked in the past didn’t provide me with many solid leads. But if I could get her to talk freely, maybe I could pick up some things to further the conversation.
She hitched one shoulder up. “I don’t know that there’s anything to say. We dated for a while, but now we’re strictly coworkers.”
That had to be awkward. I couldn’t imagine having to spend unwanted time with Davia, especially because she was a massive flirt like Yoni. I wouldn’t want to see that—not because I wanted her back, but because it would make me sick to my stomach that I was so wrong about someone I once loved. It would make me question myself, which didn’t sit well with me.
“She likes to play the field, and I like to be settled inside the dugout. We are better off as business partners and nothing else. She and I aren’t good on paper or in person.” She forced a smile, but she seemed over it, which was good.
“I get that. Sometimes, our choices aren’t based on logic. Words, actions, or even potential can trick us into thinking something is a good idea when it isn’t.”
“I think mine was convenience,” she said deadpan, but I laughed.
“What does that mean?” I smirked, and she finally broke her seriousness.
“I didn’t have to make an effort. Since we worked together and she had made the first move, it seemed like an easy choice. She was the decision-maker, and I liked that. It took away some of my anxiety.” She shrugged, but that probably happened more than I knew.
“Well, let’s hope this new person, what’s her name?” I figured it was time to focus on why she was here, and this seemed like a good segue into that.
Her lips curled into a wider smile, and a blush crept into her cheeks. “Ember,” she responded in that low voice that was barely audible.
“Alrighty. Well, I hope Ember is more your type, then.” I pulled out my phone, and she froze.
“Are you recording this?” Her eyes got wide in panic, and I shook my head.
“No, I was going to figure out where to get food so we could eat while we talked. I told you I wouldn’t do anything until you’re ready. Please view this as two friends hanging out and discussing the chicks they like—that’s it.”
She tilted her head as if questioning something. “So that means you have someone to talk about, too?” Of course, she took my words literally.
“I don’t, but I would tell you all about her if I did.” That seemed safe to say since I knew it would never happen, but hopefully, it would also get her to realize that this wasn’t just a job for me.
There were very few people I didn’t get drained by being around, and so far, she was one of them. She wasn’t talking to me because she thought I was “famous.” In fact, she would probably like me better if I wasn’t. I didn’t have to worry about her intentions, which was refreshing. So many people thought they knew me because of my show and social media, which made being in public downright exhausting.
How could I explain that my podcast persona wasn’t me? It was me, but an amplified version of me to engage the listeners. I didn’t want to be “on” all the time, which was how most people thought of me.
Shiloh seemed to accept me as I was, and that was something new. I hoped she felt the same sense of belonging when she was with me.
“Oh really?” Her question caught me off guard because she appeared skeptical, and that was the last thing I wanted.
“Yes.” I stared at her quizzically.
“Did Yoni ask you out?”
I bit my lower lip because knowing their history now made it awkward, but I didn’t have anything to hide. “She did. But I turned her down gently.” I gave her a cheeky smile, hoping it would keep things relaxed.
She shook her head slightly. “Go figure. She came to talk after you left and probably wanted me to help her out with you, but I brushed her off.” There was a softness when she brought her caramel eyes to mine. “But I don’t want you to not go out with her because of me. I’m over her.”
I didn’t even know they had been together when I turned Yoni down, but I wasn’t looking for someone anyway—not to date or to have fun with. My life was better in the small world I had created for myself. If I tried to fit anyone else in it, I would probably suffocate.
“I appreciate your approval, but I’m not interested in Yoni. And even if you are over her, it’s okay not to want me to date her. I’m your friend, and I don’t think it’s kosher to be with your ex, no matter how you feel about her. And I think you should speak up more. Don’t just say what you think the other person wants to hear. Your feelings are valid, even if you don’t have ‘reasons’ for them.” I didn’t mean to turn this into a TED talk, but it was something she needed to learn sooner than later.
We all had things we could work on to improve ourselves, and Shiloh could put this into practice in all aspects of her life—not just dating. I wanted to pat myself on the back because maybe my years of therapy made me more qualified than I thought.
Chapter 10Shiloh
As I stared into Caz’s caring blue eyes, I realized she wasn’t putting on a show for me. She wasn’t placating me and telling me what I wanted to hear. She seemed so genuine, which lowered my guard a little.
“I appreciate your honesty and validation. Yoni isn’t someone I want to be with, but as my friend, I wouldn’t want you to be with her, either. But that’s only because I think you deserve better.”
Before tonight, I didn’t want Yoni to be with Caz for somewhat selfish reasons, but now I realized that Caz wasn’t here to help me get a date. She was teaching me how to look out for myself.
“I don’t know about that. I probably don’t deserve anyone, but I appreciate how you see me.” She winked, and I could see why Yoni fawned over her when she did it.
There was this sparkle about her that made you feel like you were the only person in the room. Granted, I was the only person in the room, but when I was around her, she never made me doubt she wanted to be with me. She didn’t scroll through her phone, interrupt me, or zone out completely.
Sonya and Devon did those things a lot, but in their defense, they were high most of the time. Was that an actual defense? Probably not, since it was a choice, but it still changed how they responded to me.
Caz, on the other hand, was attentive and thoughtful. She had an acquired sense of humor, but I enjoyed it. In the two days I’d spoken to her, I felt more like myself around her than I did with my own family. Was that happy or tragic? I would go with the bright spot and say it was good.
“You know how you want me to speak up? Well, there’s something I want you to do, too.”
