In the center, I tried to make students thinkers before fighters. I did everything I could to keep them in the center, or make sure they went straight home to keep them from dangerous interactions with the soldiers. We lost some children—some had a strong feeling that they wanted to fight. It was very difficult. Of course, they didn’t always understand what they were doing. But they weren’t just imitating other people who were fighting in the streets, they were expressing their own anger from experiencing humiliation and violence.
Not long after the center was established and I had begun working there, I had the chance to travel abroad for the first time. I went with a friend to help her apply for a scholarship offered by the British consul to study in England. While there, I applied myself, sort of on a whim. But it turns out I won the scholarship. When I got the call that I had won, the consular office gave me two weeks to get ready for travel. So for the first time, I got to leave Palestine—other than my college years in Jordan.
I studied for a year at Newcastle University and learned administration and counseling.9 It was a good experience, even though it was hard. I felt homesick from the moment the plane took off. I was away from home from the fall of 1994 to the spring of 1995. I got to travel a lot throughout England, and that was interesting, but I wanted to go home the whole time. I remember I had very little money, and what I had I’d use to call my family. I’d spend hours asking my brothers about neighbors I barely knew—old men who hung out on the street that I never talked to, for instance—just because I wanted to know everything that was happening at home. When I completed all my coursework, I was expected to stay for the graduation ceremony and some parties. But I told the school administration I didn’t want any parties, I just wanted to go home and see my family!
CHILDREN SEE THAT THEIR PROTECTORS ARE SCARED
The Second Intifada began in 2000.10 During that time, I had to get around a lot of crazy obstacles just to continue my work. From late 2000 to 2003, I used to practically live in this office because I couldn’t always go back home. I remember the first time I tried to go home to Battir from Bethlehem in 2000, just after the Intifada started. It was just a couple of miles, and the checkpoint was closed. Nobody could cross to or from the five villages on the other side of the checkpoint. The soldiers refused to let anyone go back home. Children, old men, workers—imagine, all these normal people who wanted to go back home at four p.m., the end of the working day. Hundreds of people! We were surrounded by soldiers, and I remember thinking that nobody had any place to hide if shooting started. I waited that day from four p.m. to seven p.m. At seven p.m., I was so angry and depressed I started talking to myself. I said, “God, are you there? And if you are there, are you seeing us? And if you are seeing us, are you satisfied with what is happening to us?” Finally, a little after seven p.m., I gave up and came back to Bethlehem and stayed at the center.
Another time that same year, I tried to walk home past the checkpoint. The Israelis had blocked the road with large stones. I wanted to go around the stones, because I couldn’t climb over them with my leg problems. It was also slippery, because it was wintertime. But a soldier, a man less than twenty-five years old, stopped me from going around. When I tried to explain, the soldier said bad things to me—nobody in my life has said these things to me. He called me a prostitute. I can’t repeat all the things he said. I became angry and I started to argue, and at that moment, a young man, Palestinian, tried to calm me down and asked me to stay quiet. He took my hand and helped me pass the checkpoint. At that moment I couldn’t talk. I passed the checkpoint, and my brother was waiting for me on the other side. He took me by my hand and led me to his car, where my nephews and nieces were waiting. Normally I would talk to them, but I couldn’t say a word. I knew that if I spoke, I’d start crying, and nobody would be able to stop me. I reached home and I threw myself on the bed. I felt I was paralyzed completely.
I saw the soldier the next day. I had a feeling that if I’d had a gun, I would have killed him. You know, I can’t kill an insect, but in that moment, I felt my anger was more than it’s been at any time. When he saw me, he began swearing at me again. It was very humiliating. I saw that soldier many times—usually soldiers would stay one week or ten days before they changed the group of soldiers at the checkpoints. I had to see him every day. And every day I looked at him and wished that someone would kill him in front of me. I wanted him to suffer.
One more occasion stands out from that checkpoint during the Second Intifada—I’m not sure exactly when. I remember a little girl was crying. She needed to get to school to take exams, and the soldier wouldn’t let her. It’s not guaranteed that a child is able to go to school. And it’s not guaranteed that the child will be able to come back. Of course, this kind of helplessness has a psychological impact on kids as they grow up. Many parents have told us that their children have nightmares and achievement problems. Children look to us adults as people who can protect them, and when we can’t—in many situations, we’re scared! To see the child recognize that his mother is scared, his father is scared—it’s not an easy thing.
When you move around Bethlehem, it’s very restricted. We don’t travel long distances. When you face a checkpoint or a wall, you might need to travel only a mile or two as the crow flies, but your destination is far away behind the wall. The children I teach don’t have a good sense of distance because of the restrictions. They might say they live “far away,” and I’ll ask, “How far?” And it’s a ten-minute car ride away, if not for checkpoints. That’s far for them, because that fifteen minutes might actually be an hour or two most days.
Sometimes I try to put all the obstacles in the back of my mind—the checkpoints, the harassments—to try and keep up my energy for my work, to keep my optimism for the future. But when I’m waiting at checkpoints, I have to face the hard realities of our lives. And the children I deal with—they also have to face these realities, and before they’re even fully grown they have to face them without guidance, without someone to protect them.
THE SIGN JUST SAID “OTHERS”
Back in 1994, just after we’d started the center, we used to take students to Jerusalem for trips, to spend the day in the city. It was possible then. Since the Second Intifada, it’s not possible to take the class to Jerusalem.
I think this is the first generation of Palestinians that isn’t able to see Jerusalem easily. Now we only talk about Jerusalem. At the center, when we ask the children, “What is Jerusalem?” they only know about the Dome of the Rock.11 That’s all Jerusalem is for them. They’ve never experienced the city—to see it with true senses, to feel it, to smell it. They only know it through photos. I think it’s really demoralizing that this experience, something that used to be essential to being Palestinian, has vanished. I think the Israeli government wants other parts of Palestine—Gaza, Jerusalem— banished from our minds. The new generation, these children might never come to Jerusalem. After years, how will it be in their mind? They won’t think of it as Palestine.
Here in the center, we try to keep students connected with the different parts of Palestine, even if it’s only through photos, movies, films—anything. For instance, I want our students to understand that Gaza is part of Palestine. This is my hope for all Palestinians in the West Bank, that if they have the opportunity, even if it takes a lot of effort, to go and visit Gaza. I think it’s our duty. Many people have lost their lives to keep Gaza and the West Bank one land. I’m not losing my life, but I have put in some real effort to go there.
In 2011, I went to Gaza to facilitate an outreach program. I was with a German colleague who worked for a German NGO that addressed international development projects. The German NGO was trying to fund a cultural center in Gaza that used our center in Bethlehem as a model.
The Israelis keep a tight control on who gets into Gaza, so the permits to visit were not easy to get. I had to go through a lawyer and the court to get the permit. First, the Israeli military rejected my request for the permit, but I was able to appeal and get permission from the court to go for one night. It took me some time to get permission. But even then, I had to go through checkpoints—a checkpoint to get out of the West Bank, and then another checkpoint to get into Gaza.
To get to Gaza, we took the car of my German colleague. When Palestinian workers in Israel talk about the checkpoint, you can’t imagine—you hear about it, but you need to live the experience to understand it. We went through the checkpoint nearest Hebron, because from Bethlehem it is the most direct route to Gaza.12 It was the first time I was at that checkpoint. I can’t imagine the mind that designed that checkpoint. It’s a kind of torture. We tried to pass through the checkpoint in her car. We thought we might have an easier time in her car since she was an international. She passed right through in her car at first, but then a soldier stepped into the road and stopped us. They checked my ID, saw that I was Palestinian, and I was made to get out of the car and walk back to the checkpoint building—a fifteen-minute walk! It was difficult for me to walk all that way with my brace. When I got back to the checkpoint, I was put in line with the rest of the Palestinians. It was around seven a.m., so most of the people there were workers. We were herded in lines through cages, and all around us were young soldiers with guns. There were only three or four other women in line, and they all passed through with no extra delay. But not me.
All the Palestinians have to pass through metal detectors. I failed the detector because of my metal leg brace. The soldiers had to examine me personally because I couldn’t just take off the metal and pass through the detector. Soldiers behind security glass told me that I’d need to be taken to a special cell. The whole time I was at the checkpoint, I hardly ever talked to a soldier directly—it was through microphones, since they were always behind glass.
I was taken to a cell with no chairs. The walls were all metal with no windows, and I couldn’t see anyone. I stood waiting for half an hour. I thought they might have forgotten about me. Because of my disability, it’s difficult for me to stand for long periods of time. I knocked, and nobody came. Later, I knocked several more times, to remind them that there was somebody here.
Then I was taken to another room, also like a cell—just five feet by five feet. Here there was a soldier behind security glass. She was young, in her twenties. Otherwise I was alone in the room. The soldier was dealing with me as if I didn’t exist. She ignored me and didn’t bother to explain what would happen next. She just sat there behind the glass. From time to time I would knock, or ask her to please search me so I could leave the cell, and she’d say, “I’m just waiting for someone to come.” For an hour she left me standing there.
Then another soldier joined her behind the glass. They told me to undress. I said, “I can’t, there’s a camera.” She looked at it and said flatly, “Yes, there’s a camera in the room.” Every checkpoint has a Palestinian mediator, someone to translate and do chores for the soldiers, and I made them get him for me. This took a long time. Eventually, he arrived and I talked to him. He put his jacket on the camera and then brought me something to put on. I got undressed and then the soldiers told me how to move so they could examine me. Then I put on the clothes the mediator brought while he took my other clothes for them to examine. More waiting. After everything was over, the mediator took his jacket and left, and then I was taken to pass through the metal detector again.
The whole time, my colleague was outside in the car waiting for me. It had been hours. Then, once we made it to the Gaza border, it was the same procedure. My German colleague was allowed to pass quickly through the checkpoint, while I had to go through procedures strictly for Palestinians, not for foreigners. At the Erez checkpoint, we were not in the car.13 We had to park, and after you pass through the checkpoint, everyone has to walk through a mile-long tunnel to where the taxis are.
The tunnel was an open-air tunnel, with fencing on both sides. It was narrow—not big enough for a car to drive through. Outside the fence was a barren, treeless security area. My colleague had waited for me so we could walk the tunnel together, but a mile is very far for me to walk. I had to sit on a luggage cart of another Palestinian who pushed me the whole way. It was a struggle for me. I like to think of myself as strong, independent. I do things on my own. It’s not easy for me to sit on a luggage cart and be pushed!
We finally made it to Gaza after hours going through the checkpoints. We went directly to the organization because we couldn’t waste time. They only issued me a permit for one day! It’s ridiculous to not be able to visit your own country. We can move freely in other countries, but not in our own.
After I finished my trip to Gaza, I had to go back through screening at Erez. This time, at the start of the checkpoint, I saw the two signs—one for “Israelis and Foreigners,” and the other just said, “Others.” You know, it’s like they want us to feel that we belong to nothing. They could write “Palestinians,” they could write “Arabs,” but “Others”?
Going through the tunnel, there were open-air cells along the way. They were more modern than the Hebron checkpoint, but the same principle. The soldiers were all on high scaffolding with guns. They looked down on us from up high and talked into microphones. They would say things like, “Open gate number 2. Open gate number 10.” And they’d tell us to move along. The whole time, we could see soldiers on the scaffolding, but we could never see exactly who was talking to us and ordering us onward to the next cell.
The last cell had a ceiling and a grated floor. A soldier behind the glass was there. She asked me to take off my clothes. We negotiated what I could take off and leave on. I took off my trousers and my brace and put them on the conveyor belt. She checked them and then put my things back on the machine to send back to me. I waited for them to contact the people who got me a permit. It took a long time. I thought I had already negotiated all the permits I needed, so it would be fine, but no. They made me wait anyway.
I’ve spoken with some friends and some people at the Bethlehem Arab Society for Rehabilitation. They go through the same thing, the same conditions. They have the same procedure. It’s not because of me—they target Palestinians anyway—but they could show more understanding. They could not make me wait so long, or bring me a chair to sit on, to be humane. I understand they need to check, but they could do it without humiliating the person. If this were just about security, they wouldn’t need to humiliate Palestinians and not others. It’s to show that we’re a lower class of people. The Israelis and foreigners are first-class, the Palestinian people fifth-class. And people don’t understand why we are fighting. I want to be equal! Equality! Not one of us is better than the other.
Someday I want to go back to Gaza to keep working on developing a cultural center that is like Ghirass. But by then I hope I can find an easier way to get there than through the Hebron and Erez checkpoints as they are now. Still, I’m happy that I passed that experience, really. Now I know what it’s like for Palestinians who have had to travel through the checkpoints day after day for work.
ALL THINGS INDICATE THAT THE FUTURE WILL BE MORE DIFFICULT
I am very proud of being Palestinian. I have never thought of living in another country. I’ve traveled across Europe, but I prefer to live in Palestine. When I was abroad and something bad happened in Palestine, it would be very difficult for me to sleep. If people I love die, then I want to die with them; if they live, I want to live with them. If they face a difficult situation, I want the same thing to happen to me. I want to be a member of this society. When I think of Palestine, I think of the struggles we’ve had. We have to keep struggling for our rights, and there’s no end to the struggling for me—some days it’s for rights, some days it’s to improve education. We are all fighters. When I do work with the children at the center, that’s fighting. When I work to improve their quality of life, that’s fighting. And working against the occupation, that’s fighting as well.
Day by day, it becomes more difficult. All things happening in Palestine indicate that the future will be more difficult. Twelve years ago we did not have the wall, the settlements were fewer, the harassment was less. Everything bad is increasing. Usually I avoid going to the checkpoints, because it makes me sick—physically, emotionally, all kinds of sick. It usually takes me time to come back to normal.
My goal now is to expand the center—to extend it and spread it to other places. We’re working on outreach programs, to reach schools and other communities that are struggling just to continue to exist. Some villages are surrounded by Israeli settlements and are cut off from important resources. We are looking to support these communities and improve the quality life through education. I believe a lot in education if you want to rebuild the nation.
At the cultural center, we try to keep our students as children as long as possible, to protect them. When they reach a certain age, we can’t protect them anymore, they have to face the reality of the streets by themselves. And this is very sad. I can think of many times I’ve been out walking with my nephew, or with other young boys and girls who are nearing the end of childhood. Suddenly I would get very sad, because when they reach fourteen, fifteen years old, they are children under international and national law, but the soldiers don’t think of them as children. They deal with them as adults. And it doesn’t matter if they’re following the law or not. How they’re treated depends on soldiers’ moods.
I use many strategies to manage. My strategy is that I love life. I want to protect my life, and the lives of others, as much as I can. Life, even with all these difficulties, deserves to be lived. And I like to look for nice things. Even the smile of a child, or flowers—I try to find something.
I’m not optimistic about the future for Palestinians. Israel is strong, and the Western powers give them their support. On the other hand, I don’t think Israel can continue this forever. The world will not support Israel forever with all their behavior towards Palestinians. One day, changes will happen—history proves this. One day, sooner or later, the Palestinians will have their rights.
When the world looks at Palestine I do not think they see the full situation. If people want to see the reality of the situation, they will see. If they want to hear the reality, they will hear. But if they don’t want to know the reality of the situation, they won’t, even if it’s right there in front of them.
1 Battir is a village of around 4,000 people located four miles west of Bethlehem and three miles southwest of Jerusalem. It is a site of ancient agricultural terraces and was named a UNESCO World Heritage site in 2014.
2 Amman, the capital of Jordan, is a city of over 2 million residents. Jordan administered the West Bank between 1948 and 1967, and many Palestinians worked in Amman during this time. For more information on the history of the West Bank and Jordan, see Appendix I, page 295.
3 The American Colony Hotel is a luxury hotel in Jerusalem. It was built in the 1950s on the site of a former utopian Christian community started by an American couple from Chicago in 1881. The hotel is well known as a gathering spot for influential people from diverse political and religious backgrounds.
